"I Am Always Remembering..."

Yesterday was a hard day at work... My responsibilities have increased dramatically as I strive to earn a deserved and needed promotion.  But despite whatever else is happening, my thoughts of the beloved one are always near the surface.  And so, in the midst of controlled chaos yesterday, I paused to remember a moment in my life when I believed that all I had dreamed of... all that I had imagined and prayed for was finally at hand.

The beloved one and I met on a now long defunct blogging site on Yahoo called, "Yahoo 360."  And by this time, what started as a few innocent comments on things I'd written had somehow blossomed into an intense romance, that I was fearfully questioning.   One of the features of the blogging site was a changeable headline called a "Blast" and on the morning of  August 12, 2006, when I visited his blog, I found he'd changed his blast to this quote from scripture and I knew it was meant to put me at ease about his intentions and our love affair:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD," plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11

It worked, my heart and my mind were put at ease and I was willing to see what loving him might bring to my life.

Two years and a day later, after much heartache and suffering, I thought I couldn't bear the uncertainty of not knowing who or what I was to him.  I knew that I loved him with the entirety of my heart, but also that I was being utterly destroyed everyday by his inability to tell me the truth and to keep his promises to me, as I had to him... And so that evening, I packed my bags and left, and as I sat waiting in the Charlotte Airport to board a flight home to Detroit, he sent a text message: 

"Yes I will Dear, I'm more scared to live without you."

- August 13, 2008 9:57 PM

He then called and I hesitatingly answered, and as I listened to his pleas,  he promised me the precious desires of my heart, that we would become to one another everything he'd promised... and that my one ask that seemed so simple and natural to me, but so impossible to him would be made real.  And with that, the unbreakable spell was cast.  I went back and would learn that every day of the next 150 would be a little harder to endure, until finally, the pain of it all burst forth and nothing could save us.

Today, as I do every year, I know I'll pause many times to remember believing and trusting in him the first time and that one last time.

I am always remembering...

"Fear Eats the Soul"