"The Truth Is We're All Only Human..."

Here in the United States, February is known as "Black History Month," a time to reflect on the history, sufferings, contributions and successes of people of color in our nation and around the world.  Black people jokingly love to point out that... Yes, they gave a us a month to be celebrated, but as usual, we got the short end of the stick* with the shortest month of the year.  But that aside, yes, there is much to celebrate both past, present and future and I invite you dear reader to take a moment to reflect on what you know of the Black experience.

When I read this story on NPR's website the other day, my heart swelled with pride and admiration for the young black man you're about to meet, I knew this would be the first of my few posts this month celebrating black history.  I invite you to read on and see if you too are perhaps moved to tears as I was by this man's touching story.  His perseverance and personality speaks to a truth I hold dear - We each of us, no matter our color, our gender, our orientation, or our wealth, have this in common, we are only wonderfully and marvelously human.

An African Immigrant's Pizza Wins Global Raves — And Overcomes Italian Prejudices

    January 30, 20228:52 AM ET

    IAN BRENNAN

Ibrahim Songne, an immigrant from Burkina Faso, opened a pizza spot called IBRIS in the Italian town of Trento. He overcame local prejudices — and now has been named to a list of the world's top 50 pizzerias.   Marilena Umuhoza Delli for NPR

After immigrating to Italy from Burkina Faso at age 12, Ibrahim Songne tasted pizza for the first time. His reaction?

Disgust.

"I'd never even heard of pizza before I arrived in Italy. I took a bite and found it gross and completely tasteless."

Despite that inauspicious start, Songne went on to take out a loan to open a pizza joint — and in late 2021 the 30-year-old's pizzeria was named one of the top 50 in the world. 50TopPizza.it calls Ibrahim's dough "perfectly leavened" and the recipes "imaginative."

Ibrahim christened his restaurant, IBRIS— an all-caps hybrid of his first and last name. Before he opened the small shop in downtown Trento 3 years ago, he says that locals warned him, "A Black man behind the counter will drive every customer away."

These fears seemed realized when on the first day open, Ibrahim stood behind the counter and a middle-aged couple entered. Silently, the pair surveyed the pizza on display, he remembers. Then, he says, they likely assumed that someone of African descent didn't speak Italian, remarked, "This pizza looks amazing. Too bad they let Black people work here" and left.

In 2022, it's a very different scene. With only three small benches for seating, lunchtime patrons pack IBRIS' narrow storefront, shouting orders over the Afrobeats soundtrack.

A recipe for success

Ibrahim's success is hardly due to lack of competition. Two other pizza places sit on the same block and another seven are within minutes' walk.

He says his pizza distinguishes itself due to the "intensity, texture and sense of experimentation."

Over the past decade, "crunch pizza" became a trend in northeastern Italy — Crunch pizza customarily has a lightweight but multi-layered dough— that is sometimes fried— and makes a loud crunching noise when bitten into. Ibrahim has created a subtler version of this crispiness.

As for the experimental toppings, they reflect Songne's belief in Italy's zero kilometer food movement, using locally and seasonally available fresh ingredients whenever possible. Working side-by-side with his younger brother, Issouf, he changes the pizza menu daily and includes non-traditional ingredients like purple-potato cream, saffron and ceci bean (chickpea).

Ibrahim Songne is a big believer in local — and sometimes unconventional — pizza toppings. His narrow storefront is packed with pizza lovers.  Marilena Umuhoza Delli for NPR

A rough start to a new Italian life

Today, Ibrahim lives within Trento's picturesque cobblestoned center. One of the nation's wealthiest cities, it is frequently ranked high for quality of life.

It's a great contrast to his younger years. Growing up over a 4-hour drive from Burkina Faso's capital of Ouagadougou, Ibrahim and his parents lived without electricity or running water. In search of work, Ibrahim's father immigrated to Italy; the family later followed.

Upon arriving in Italy's mountainous north in 2004, Ibrahim says he was the only Black student in school and became further isolated due to stuttering.

His desire to undergo speech therapy spurred him to take on part-time jobs as a teenager, a path that led to working in a pastry shop. It was there that he developed a passion for baking.

In the years following, Ibrahim taught himself how to make pizza. Having worked at the pastry shop, he'd tired of sweets and decided to pursue salty flavors. His roommate served as "guinea pig" and Ibrahim grew "obsessed" with developing the consummate pizza dough recipe. He knew he'd found it when he landed on a formula featuring lievito madre — "mother dough, " a natural yeast where the same sourdough starter is used perpetually. Ibrahim has used the same mother yeast for over five years now.

Today, Ibrahim defines himself as 100% Italian and Burkinabe, "but most of all, I am resilient."

"Once I'd overcome my stuttering, I was free. After that, I knew I could face anything."

Helping others with 'suspended pizza'

He's not forgotten his roots. En route to the airport on the day Ibrahim left Burkina Faso for Italy, he entered the city for the first time and witnessed a small boy standing naked, begging on the streets. A passing Burkinabe businessman tossed a candy onto the ground "as if the boy were a dog" and the child scurried after the candy. At that moment, Ibrahim says he decided he would devote himself someday to helping others who are hungry.

After witnessing so many people struggling to make ends meet during the COVID lockdown, pizza and Songne's charitable urges merged. Inspired by the Neapolitan tradition of caffè sospeso ("suspended coffee") — where cafe clientele pay for an additional coffee that bartenders later give anonymously to those in need — Ibrahim expanded the custom to pizza. Soon, pizza sospesa spread to restaurants throughout Italy.

Ibrahim's positive personality and fluent Italian (with what locals describe as a "perfect" Trentino accent) has endeared him to customers.  Marilena Umuhoza Delli for NPR

Rising up despite racism and anti-immigrant feelings

Ibrahim's success is all the more notable given the history of Italy – and his home province.

Racism is part of the country's past and present.

During the renaissance, young African children referred to as mori ("the dark ones") were used as household slaves in wealthy Venice households. In recent years, Italians have hurled bananas at Italy's first Black governmental minister, Cécile Kyenge, and Italian-born and -raised soccer star, Mario Balotelli. In 2021, the national television network, RAI, refused to officially ban Blackface following an uproar over Blackface impersonations of Beyonce and other musicians.

Anti-immigrant sentiments also run strong.

Filomeno Lopes, one of the first and most prolific Italian African authors and a host on Radio Vaticana Italia (Vatican Radio), states, "Ibrahim dared to get out of the kitchen — where behind closed doors immigrants clean dishes and furtively prepare the meals — and instead to lead in a field that Italians consider their own. By doing so, he's forged a new path to citizenship."

Trentino presents its own challenges.

The current president of the Trentino-Alto Adige/Südtirol region is a member of the far-right, anti-immigration Lega Nord political party. The IBRIS storefront signs have been vandalized, and photos have appeared on social media of teenagers standing outside the restaurant and making obscene gestures.

Nonetheless, Ibrahim's contagiously positive personality and his speaking fluent Italian with what locals describe as a "perfect" Trentino accent has helped endear him. He has even mastered Trento's regional dialect – and of course – as his new pizza honors prove – he's a maestro of the Italian pie.

"Once they taste my pizza, all judgment disappears," says Ibrahim Songne.

Marilena Umuhoza Delli for NPR

A pizza fan club

On a recent Thursday afternoon, 52-year-old Alessandra Gelva sat huddled excitedly on one of the pizzeria's benches with her two teenage children and a friend.

"This pizza is beautiful. It is the only place we ever come for pizza. The toppings are so original. The pistachio is one of my favorites."

Another regular, Giuliana Passamani, 60, describes IBRIS' pizza crust as "superlative."

35-year-old Maria, who declined to give a reporter her last name, gushed that she "comes here three times a week from over an hour away. He is famous."

"Big things start little," says Ibrahim. "If given enough care and value, food can change the world. It's a bridge between people — a way to pleasurably experience something new. That experience then can lead to greater tolerance and understanding.

"Once they taste my pizza, all judgment disappears."

Ian Brennan is a Grammy-winning music producer (Zomba Prison Project, Tinariwen, The Good Ones) who has recorded 37 records by international artists across four continents. He is the author of seven books. His latest, Muse-$ick: a music manifesto in fifty-nine notes, was published last fall by Oakland's PM Press. He has lived in Italy since 2009.

Photos, translation and additional reporting by Marilena Umuhoza Delli, an Italian Rwandan photographer, author and filmmaker. She has written two Italian-language books about racism and growing-up with an immigrant mother in Italy.

******

* Curious about this expression? Visit: Know Your Phrase

"The Imitation Of Life..."

"The Truth About Love..."

Love always has its price, come whence it may.

- Henri René Albert Guy de Maupassant

"And The Truth Shall Set You Free..."

Former Professional Rugby Player Gareth Thomas

And The Truth Shall Set You Free..."

What It Was Like To Come Out As Gay, As Told By My Online Shopping History
It took me a while to realize I was gay. In the meantime, I bought clothes.

By Jacob Geers
Vox.com
September 13, 2018

I heard a rumor my senior year of high school that I was gay.

I forget who told me the rumor, but I never forgot its message. Of course, it took me completely by surprise because I wasn’t gay. I definitely, absolutely, positively could not be gay. Because I wasn’t!

As I entered my first year of college with that rumor buzzing in my ear, I was convinced that any bit of insecurity could be overcome by a boring business-casual outfit. I had a pair of tan chinos that matched the self-doubt barely contained under my emotionally muted veneer.

And that’s how my first year of college went.

After clocking out from my freshman year, I traveled the two hours back home from college.

In preparation for my summer retail job, I ordered some clothes from JCPenney. In those days, I oscillated between 40-year-old-office-park-dad-chic and frat-tastic enough to fit in among the beer pong tables at some Epsilon Epsilon Epsilon party.

I was determined to wear my pullover before the end of summer, even though the average daily temperatures were above 90 degrees in my Ohio hometown’s ferocious summer heat. One day, I was feeling sweat accumulate under my collar as I restocked the granola bars, volcano-scented candles, and cake mix when I heard the store’s front door open. I looked up, out of habit more than anything, and saw a young man with curly blond hair walk in. He was wearing a plain white T-shirt and black Converses, and he had the most distinctive freckles on his cheeks. He was with a girl wearing some kind of romper.

It took me a minute to realize I was staring at something other than the candles, and I abruptly averted my eyes.

My college had an incredibly large campus. You could walk for miles and still be within the confines of Ohio State’s domain.

Walking so often, and for so long, teaches you a lot. You should always walk with your back straight up, moderating each step to be even-keeled and well-paced. You can keep your head up to look confident or look down to blend in, just so long as you aren’t bopping it along to “Dark Horse” by Katy Perry. Never show too much expression. Walk stoically, slowly, methodically. Don’t show excitement, and definitely never, ever be flamboyant.

Don’t worry, you’ll mess it up sometimes. If you sense anything resembling a spring in your step, just push your hands into your chino pockets — or if it’s chilly, the fleece pockets of your black North Face jacket — and resume the proper form.

In the last weeks of October, I ordered a pair of blue chinos to match a yellow Polo Ralph Lauren shirt that I was sure would finally make me feel cool enough to belong at college.

Somehow, there was a mix-up with the order, and when I ripped open the bag of merchandise, they had sent green chinos instead.

I decided I had a Halloween costume.

Picking up an (almost) matching shirt from Target or Old Navy or somewhere like that, I painted numbers on my outfit and called myself a chalkboard.

My friends and I went to a party in an apartment so small you definitely couldn’t call it a “house” party. The hosts were trying to break a record for how many people they fit in their apartment, and I was trying to make everyone pay attention to how funny I was.

There was a lot of sexual tension in the air. A Harry Potter was flirting with a Raven from Teen Titans, and a “This is fine!” dog was making out with a cheerleader (I think she actually was a cheerleader, so it was a particularly bad costume).

I had never hooked up with anyone at a party. I hadn’t even ever flirted, unless trying to trade my jungle juice for the last cup of pumpkin pie moonshine was flirting.

I squeezed myself through the crowd to the porch, where a group of my friends had congregated. I pushed past a boy dressed as Link from Legend of Zelda. He had light blue eyes, and we locked gazes for a minute. He smiled. I turned away.

I didn’t go to another party for a few months. (Unless, of course, you count the gigantic pity party I threw for myself on a daily basis.)

A few weeks after Halloween, I coughed out the words, “I think I’m bisexual,” to my best friend and roommate. I then proceeded to do absolutely nothing of interest. I didn’t go to clubs; I didn’t go on dates; I didn’t sleep with anyone. I was barely able to get to sleep alone.

I wrote a lot. I thought a lot. I watched three whole seasons of Pawn Stars. Self-discovery wasn’t as sexy as it always seemed on TV.

After one existential crisis too many, my supportive friends did my job for me and got me an invitation to a “gay party.” I ordered a pair of super-skinny jeans. That’s what I was supposed to do, right?

I slipped on a pair of Converses and a plain white T-shirt and joined an old acquaintance and his boyfriend to pregame for this party. I had no idea what to do except keep drinking IPAs and laugh nervously. They were both nice. They had both gone through this.

After sitting in my friend’s apartment for about an hour, he asked me if I was ready to go to the party.

I said I was. That was a lie.

I told him I didn’t feel so good. That was the truth.

It was a highlighter party, so the most common way of introducing yourself to people was to draw a dick on their T-shirt. A lot of people introduced themselves to me.

I sipped my first shot of Fireball and then took two more in rapid succession.

I did laps around the living room, talking to people. At college parties, it’s often the same conversation over and over again: What’s your year? What’s your major? What are you into?

Slowly, I began to get into a groove. The loudness of the music masked the softness of my confidence. I forgot to police how I walked, or how I laughed, or how I talked.

I forgot I was supposed to be pretending to be someone else.

Bit by bit, I started incorporating little pieces of that party into my life.

I started walking the way I wanted. I started buying the clothing I wanted. I remember ordering my first pair of jean shorts and thinking, “It doesn’t matter if these make me look gay, because I probably am gay!”

I still struggled a lot. Instead of going to class or doing my homework, I stared at guys, trying to make sure I was actually attracted to them and not just losing my mind. I obsessed over labels, once making a list on my dry-erase board of ways my life would change if I was “full-on gay” versus bisexual.

But day by day, I was owning who I was more. I bagged up a bunch of old clothes for our residence hall’s donation drive. I started talking about guys that I found hot. I stopped forcing myself to act “masculine” or “straight.”

I wasn’t completely sure who I was yet, but I was starting to become comfortable with that.

That summer, I went back to my hometown, where I rendezvoused with all my old friends from high school. Some of them knew about my coming-out process the year before; some of them didn’t.

We sat around a bonfire, reveling in being 20-year-olds drinking warm beers and red wine out of plastic cups. At some point, somebody brought up me being gay.

“Not much of a surprise,” one of my friends laughed.

Only one of my friends seemed truly caught off-guard. He hadn’t been in the loop. We talked to each other one on one later on, and while reiterating his support for me as a person, he said he wasn’t yet totally comfortable with it.

“Don’t worry,” I said. “Neither am I. Not yet. But I’m going to just keep being myself until I am.”

And that’s what I did.

"This Made Me Smile..."

Yep, this is a thing...

That's world famous gay porn star Sean Zervan up there receiving an award at the GayVN Awards

Read about it here on his blog

If you follow the link, you'll discover that Sean's real name is Josiah Jennings and in real life, he's a proud former U.S. Marine, a very intellectual person and a proud actor in gay adult cinema.

"A True Love Story..."

Captains Daniel Hall, left, and Vincent Franchino, who are Apache helicopter pilots,

leaving the Cadet Chapel at West Point.  CreditDanny Kim for The New York Times

For Love of Country, and Each Other

The New York Times
By Vincent M. Mallozzi
Jan. 19, 2018

Apache helicopters — the kind of aerial weaponry immortalized in Hollywood tough-guy films such as “Rambo” and “Black Hawk Down” — are among the Army’s most revered killing machines, and those who fly them across enemy skies “have an attack mentality,” said Capt. Daniel Hall, a 30-year-old Apache helicopter pilot based at Fort Bliss, in Texas.

“That attack mind-set is shared by the entire Apache community,” Captain Hall said. “It’s a real macho thing.”

As he spoke, Captain Hall was flanked by Capt. Vincent Franchino, a 26-year-old fellow Apache pilot who is also stationed at Fort Bliss, where they are both a part of another community: the group of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender soldiers who serve there.

The couple first met when both were at West Point. Captain Franchino, left, was a plebe and Captain Hall a firstie.

“It’s been a bit of a bumpy road for us,” said Captain Franchino, who married Captain Hall on Jan. 13 in the Cadet Chapel at the United States Military Academy in West Point, N.Y., where they are believed to be the first active-duty, same-sex couple to exchange vows at the legendary Army post.

The Rev. Dawn Sangrey, a Unitarian Universalist minister, performed the ceremony before 150 guests, many in Army service uniforms.

The couple, beaming in their own immaculately pressed blue mess uniforms, the most formal threads in the Army’s wardrobe, were celebrated by a saber-arch salute as they departed the chapel.

“We’ve experienced everything from people feeling awkward around us to being called faggots while holding hands and walking down the street, stuff like that,” said Captain Franchino, who was born and raised in Stony Point, N.Y., the youngest son of Holly Franchino, a retired pharmacist, and Robert Franchino, a retired sergeant with the Police Department in Clarkstown, N.Y.

The Rev. Dawn Sangrey, a Unitarian Universalist minister, performed the ceremony before 150 guests.  CreditDanny Kim for The New York Times

“But despite what we’ve been through,” Captain Franchino added, “nothing was worse than having served during the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ years.”

The emotions and romantic feelings felt by Captains Hall and Franchino, as well as scores of others from the L.G.B.T. military community, were hamstrung by “don’t ask, don’t tell,” a policy that went into effect in October 1993 under President Bill Clinton; it forbade any homosexual or bisexual member of the military from disclosing his or her sexual orientation or from speaking about any homosexual relationships, including marriages.

“Through mutual friends at West Point, we had each learned the other was gay, and though we were attracted to one another, we couldn’t say or do anything about it,” said Captain Hall, who grew up in Chattanooga, Tenn., the only son of Kyle Hall, a middle school mathematics teacher, and Stephen Hall, the vice president for nylon polymer strategic development at Koch Industries in Wichita, Kan., where his parents now live.

“It’s really frustrating when two people have feelings for each other but are not allowed to act on them,” Captain Hall added. “We were serving under a policy that was telling all of us — perfectly capable soldiers, sailors, airmen and marines — to lie about ourselves.”

The couple after the ceremony were applauded by their guests, including many in uniform.  CreditDanny Kim for The New York Times

Captain Franchino said that lying was much better than the alternative.

“We couldn’t tell the truth for fear of what would happen to us,” he said. “So we put it in our minds that we were never going to say we were gay, we were never going to get made fun of, and we were certainly never going to get kicked out of the Army.”

The first time they met was on a Friday afternoon at West Point in August 2009.

Captain Franchino was taking part in an annual tradition during Ring Weekend in which freshmen (known as plebes) get a chance to retaliate against their often overbearing senior cadets (known as firsties) by doing all they can to delay the departure of those seniors, who are trying to hurry home after the ceremony to spend a weekend with their families.

It took Captain Hall, swarmed by plebes, a full hour to cross the final 100 yards to his room. When he got there, he had no idea that four more plebes were waiting patiently to jump out of hiding spots in the room in an effort to scare him and further delay his weekend. After the first three plebes had departed, Captain Hall assumed he was alone, but as he prepared to leave, he was ambushed by Captain Franchino, who had been hiding under the bed.

“When I came out from under the bed, Dan was so startled, he jumped over his desk,” Captain Franchino said, laughing.

CreditDanny Kim for The New York Times

Captain Hall said he remembered thinking, “This guy has a lot of guts, and he’s kind of cute too.”

They went their separate ways, though neither veered too far from the other’s line of vision. In January 2010, they selected each other as a partner in a mentorship program that allowed seniors to offer instruction to freshmen who were following similar career paths.

By April of that year, it was clear to their fellow cadets that a spark had been ignited, but under the rules, there could be no flame.

“You could tell that there was this chemistry, this unspoken communication between them,” said Capt. Owen Waits, a close friend to both who was a senior cadet at that time and later married Captain Hall’s sister, Lauren.

“It was kind of strange because you knew that there was this whole aspect of their feelings and personalities that were being suppressed,” Captain Waits said. “But that’s just the way it was.”

But in September 2011, it was that way no longer. Congress repealed “don’t ask, don’t tell,” and Captains Hall and Franchino were soon celebrating their new sense of freedom.

“Vinny came out with a big splash to everyone on Facebook, posting all of these pictures of himself and Dan kissing and hugging, and I thought it was so brave that he did that,” said Captain Franchino’s uncle, Charlie Franchino, of Brooklyn, who is also in a same-sex marriage and was often the shoulder that his nephew leaned on when struggling to keep his sexuality a secret.

Mr. Franchino said he also stepped in to “help ease the shock that was initially felt by Vinny’s parents.”

“My brother’s a cop, he’s a tough guy, and so I knew it wasn’t going to be easy for him and his wife to handle this news,” Mr. Franchino said. “But whatever initial shock they had, they got over it quickly and immediately embraced Dan.”

A reception was held at Skylands Manor in Ringwood, N.J.  CreditDanny Kim for The New York Times

That evidence was on display during the couple’s reception at the elegant Skylands Manor in Ringwood, N.J., a 44-room Tudor revival mansion perched high in the heavily wooded Ramapo Mountains along a stretch of long and winding country roads snaking through Ringwood State Park.

“Speaking from my heart, I love Dan,” Holly Franchino said during the cocktail hour.

Her husband, Robert Franchino, added of their new son-in-law: “They are two peas in a pod.”

“You can see the chemistry between them,” he added. “Without a doubt, Vinny is absolutely a happier person today than he was before he met Dan.”

The relationship has not always been so accepted or in tune, including beginning with their first date in February 2012 in Washington.

The grooms and their mothers share a dance.  CreditDanny Kim for The New York Times

“That’s where some guy called us both faggots,” Captain Franchino said.

But they had a bigger problem to deal with, as Captain Hall, then in flight school at Fort Rucker, in Alabama, learned he was being deployed to South Korea, along with his Boeing AH-64 Apache, a four-blade, twin-turboshaft attack helicopter equipped with a 30-millimeter M230 chain gun, as well as Hellfire missiles and Hydra Rocket Pods.

Upon hearing the news, Captain Franchino was not feeling quite as macho as Captain Hall. Just five months removed from “don’t ask, don’t tell,” the young soldier was on edge.

“I was so worried about Dan, it was really nerve-racking,” Captain Franchino recalled. “At the time, there was just too much pressure involved, we were both very nervous about the long-distance thing, so we both thought it was best to just step away.”

They began dating other people but had a change of heart and got back together in November of that year.

The couple cutting the cake. They used Captain Hall’s officer saber, a West Point graduation gift from his maternal grandparents.  CreditDanny Kim for The New York Times

Three years later, their relationship was on more solid ground, so Captain Franchino was in a better place emotionally to hear the news that Captain Hall was being deployed to Kuwait.

A year after that, Captain Hall was flying his Apache above war-torn Iraq.

“We’ve just grown accustomed to being apart at times,” said Captain Franchino, who spent all of 2017 deployed in Germany and several countries in Eastern Europe. “It’s a part of who we are, a part of what we do, so we simply accept it.”

Captain Hall, who said he plans on “leaving the Army after spring,” also said that his military stint, especially the time he spent in the cockpits of Apache helicopters, “has brought a lot of excitement to my life, and so has Vinny.”

But when pressed, Captain Hall refused to say which of the two has brought him more excitement.

“Don’t ask,” he said with a wink and a smile. “I won’t tell.”

"The Truth About Who We Are..."

Simon, Montreal, Canada
by thegaymenproject
photo by Kevin Truong

Simon, in his own words: “Être homosexuel, bon ou mauvais ou les deux ? Le plus difficile est de l’accepter pour soi-même. Après l’acception il reste à l’intégrer, une fois intégré on y trouve du bon, on grandit et on se dit qu’il y a pire que ça dans la vie !

Ça débute par faire le deuil de notre idéal de vie que l’on c’était imaginé dès le jeune âge, d’un modèle de famille qu’on croyait facilement réalisable. La frustration et la colère s’emparent de nous et nous fait regarder en l’air pour envoyer chier le bon dieu de nous imposer un tel défi. On voudrait négocier avec lui un cancer, voir même une amputation en remplacement de ce mal étrange et intense qui nous habite. On cherche à qui s’identifier dans ce nouvel univers d’hyper sexualisation auquel on n’a pas envie d’adhérer malgré la pression qui nous y pousse. On est confronté à nos propres préjugés, on se déconstruit pour retrouver une nouvelle identité, on tente de se trouver de nouveaux repères, non sans peur, angoisse ni vertige.

Puis on se dévoile au grand jour, on cesse de se mentir et de mentir aux autres, sauf à sa grand-mère trop vieille pour comprendre, on fait face aux préjugés, les nôtres et ceux des autres, on a peur d’aimer, de s’ouvrir, on se le reproche et on renvoie chier le bon dieu, on s’achète un pantalon trop serré et on le rapporte au magasin. L’ambiguïté s’installe entre ce qui est normal et malsain, on avance et on revient sur nos pas.

Et puis un jour on aperçoit la lumière au bout du tunnel, on respire une bonne bouffée d’air. On se regarde dans le miroir et enfin on aime assez ce qu’on y voit. On regarde derrière sans avoir envie d’y retourner. Finalement on se reconstruit dans une authenticité qui nous réjouit et on se rend compte qu’on ne le déteste pas tant que ça ce Christ. On prend conscience que ce détour obligatoire nous a fait voyager à travers nous-même, nous a permis de s’ouvrir aux autres, de s’ouvrir à la différence, on se sent entier et enfin libre. Alors on desserre les poings et on trouve que tout ça en valait la peine.”

In English:

"Being gay, is it good, bad, or both? The hardest part of being gay is accepting yourself. Once that’s done, you can integrate your sexuality into your daily life, you grow, and you realize that there are worst things in life than being gay!

As a child we have this ideal of what a family is, and we assume that we’ll easily attain that dream, but the realization that you're gay turns that notion on its head - in the beginning. We lose ourselves to anger and frustration, cursing a god that would impose such a harsh life on us. We try to negotiate with him, maybe a cancer, or an amputation, anything to rid ourselves of these strange feelings that have taken hold. We search for someone to identify with in this new hyper-sexualized world, a world we want no part of, despite the pressure we feel to conform to it. We face our own prejudices, and in the process we deconstruct ourselves to find a new identity, and new support systems, without fear or anxiety.

Then the big day comes, we stop lying to ourselves and to everyone else, well, maybe not grandma, she’s too old to understand; we face prejudice, both our own and those of others, we’re afraid to love, or to open up, and we blame ourselves, and again, we curse god, we buy those skinny jeans that are much too tight, only to return them. Ambiguity settles in between what is right and wrong, we take one step forward and two steps back.

Then one day, we see the light at the end of the tunnel, and we can finally breathe. Our reflection in the mirror is finally one that we can tolerate, more than that, we see someone that we finally like. We look back on the past without longing to return to it. Eventually we find happiness being our authentic self, and acknowledge that maybe we were a little hard on God earlier. We realize that this detour was necessary and forced us to examine ourselves, it let us open ourselves to others, it helped us to accept our differences, and we finally feel free. We can now let go of all that tension we held, and we find that it was all worth it."

"A Thought To Ponder On MLK Jr. Day..."

"The Talk"

Oil on canvas

by Michael D'Antuono

More about this painting here

I would say that we have come a long, long way in our struggle to make justice a reality for all men, but we have a long, long way to go before the problem is solved. And it is this realistic position that I would like to use as the basis for our thinking together this afternoon as we think of the future of integration and as we think of progress in race relations. We have come a long, long way but we still have a long, long way to go. […]

It would be a marvelous thing if speakers all over our nation could talk about this problem in terms of a problem that once existed but that no longer has existence. But see if I stop now I will merely be stating fact and not telling the truth. You see a fact is merely the absence of contradiction but the truth is the presence of coherence. Now it is a fact that we have come a long, long way, but it isn’t the whole truth.

And in order to tell the truth, I must give the other side and if I stop at this point, I may leave you the victims of a dangerous optimism if I stop now. I may leave you the victims of an illusion wrapped in superficiality. So, in order to tell the truth, it is necessary to move on and say not only have we come a long, long way, we still have a long, long way to go before the problem of racial injustice is solved in our country. Now I need not dwell on this point. We need only turn on our televisions and open our newspapers and look around our community. We see that the problem is still with us.

– Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., March 17, 1966

"The Truth About Who We Are..."

Jun, Make-up Artist, Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam
by thegaymenproject
photo by Kevin Truong

Jun, in his own words: "Tôi không hỗ thẹn mình là gay, ngược lại tôi hạnh phúc khi nói rằng trời vẫn sinh chúng tôi ra để thế giới muôn màu hơn, vì nhiều lãnh vựt chúng tôi làm được nhưng chưa chắc các bạn làm được và các bạn làm được chúng ta cũng đã có người thành công.
Tôi sống thật với chính bản thân tôi, không vì 1 lý do nào đó để lừa dối tình cảm 1 người con gái, đó là điều tốt chưa chắc 1 số đàn ông làm được.... ^^

Thử thách lớn nhất là tôi phải đối mặt với ba mẹ khi công nhận tôi là gay lúc đó tôi 20t, chỉ biết diễn đạt bằng những lời mình cảm thấy là thuyết phục nhất..
-----"con xin lổi ba mẹ, không không lấy vợ và sinh cháu cho ba mẹ được đơn giản con không muốn tổn thương 1 người con gái nào đó, không đem lại hạnh phúc cho người ta thì đừng cố gắng bên nhau. con đặt trường hợp xấu nhất là cô không chịu được cú shock và chết vì biết chồng mình là gay, thì ai là người gieo mầm tội lỗi đó?"
Mẹ tôi khóc, ba tôi không nói câu gì vì giận. 1 thời gian dài 2 cha con nhiều tranh cãi và ông ấy đã nói câu tôi không bao giờ quên : "tôi sinh ra mày được thì tôi giết mày được"
Tôi hận bản thân mình và càng chứng minh rằng tôi như bao thằng con trai khác,, thể thao, học tập, cuộc sống hằng ngày ..... rất bình thường. vài năm sau tôi nhẹ cả người khi nghe câu nói đùa của mẹ : "con gái không kêu bạn giới thiệu thằng tây nào cho con đi" ^^
tôi không thuộc tuýp người năng động và chinh phục thế giới nên tôi chẳng có thành tựu lớn nào, chỉ biết đừng làm mẹ thêm buồn... ^^

cũng là lúc tôi cho ba mẹ và mọi người xung phải là 1 chứng bệnh là 1 thứ chạy theo hiện đại hay chỉ là 1 trò chơi như mọi người nghĩ. chúng tôi cũng có trái tim cũng yêu bằng chính trái tim đó như bao người. hiện tôi có 1 bạn trai đã quên nhau được 6 năm tuy chúng tôi không chung sống bên nhau được, tôi rất buồn vì điều đó nhưng biết như thế nào hơn khi số phận đã ngăn cách ta giữa 2 bờ đại dương. mọ

gia đình chúng tôi không phản đối nên càng cho chúng tôi động lực để chứng minh cho mọi người rằng gay không có gì là sai trái cả. càng tạo niềm tin về 1 ngày nào đó rằng chúng tôi sẽ vượt qua số phận mà được sống bên nhau

Tôi nghĩ cũng như cộng đồng Mỹ, ngày phát triển và được nhiều người chấp nhận và đồng cảm hơn. nhưng chưa thật sự có những hoạt động tô điểm cho cộng đồng.
Nhà nước VN cũng đã thảo luật về việc cho gay kết hôn."

In English:

I am not ashamed to be a Gay, in the contrary I am very happy to say that God has given me a life in this world with a different aspect of this colorful universe. Because on many levels with regards to talents, we can do better than others, and some (gay men) are very successful.

I live for myself, there is no reason to fake my emotions to a girl, which is a good thing since others may do something like that.

The big challenge to me was when I had to come face to face with my parents to declare that I am gay, I was 20 years old. I tried to use simple words to convince them “Please forgive me, I am sorry, I can’t marry a girl, I can’t give you grand children. Simply, that I don’t want to hurt that girl, if I can’t bring happiness to her, then I should not live with her. I give you one example: it would be worse for her to find out that I am gay, it would be a shock which could lead to her dying, then who should we blame for causing such a tragedy?”

My mother cried, my father was silent because he was angry. It was a long time since my father and I always argued and quarreled, and he said to me one sentence that I have not forgotten, “I gave birth to you, and I can kill you, too”.

I felt sorry, and tried to prove that I am just like other boys: exercise, study hard, and live a normal life. A few years later, I felt relief to hear one of my mother's jokes, “My girl, why don’t you call your friend to introduce you to a Western boy."

I am not the type of person to conquer the world that’s why I don’t have any big success, but I only know how to make my mother less sorrowful.

It’s time for me to let my parents and others surrounding me know that it’s not a disease, or chasing a new style, or playing a game as people thought. We have a heart to love just like everyone else. At this present time, I have a boyfriend, we know each other for six years. Although, we can’t live together. I am sad about that, but what can I do when destiny has separated us between the two big oceans.

Our families do not object, so it’s our motive to demonstrate to every one that being gay is nothing wrong. It’s our hope that someday we can overcome our destiny and live together side by side.

I think that the community in the USA has more progress and many more people have been accepted and sympathetic than in Vietnam, in which there has not been much activities to contribute to our community. Although, Vietnamese government is discussing allowing us to get marriage."

"The Truth About Veteran's Day..."

How Veterans Day Went From Celebrating World Peace To Thanking Armed Forces

The Washington Post
Katie Mettler
November 11, 2017

T.C Ayers, a Vietnam veteran from Larchmont, N.Y., spends some time alone near the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in Washington. (Michael S. Williamson/The Washington Post)

On Nov. 11, we celebrate Veterans Day with parades and Old Glory T-shirts, with salutes to those who served and prayers for those who fell.

But the version of Veterans Day we know now wasn’t always so. It wasn’t always a holiday, it wasn’t always on Nov. 11 and, at first, it wasn’t even called Veterans Day. The original intent, established in the wake of World War I, was to celebrate world peace. Then the wars never ended, so Veterans Day changed.

Let’s start from the beginning.

Nov. 11, 1918

At the eleventh hour on the eleventh day of the eleventh month, fighting between the Allied Forces and Germany stopped, putting an end to the bloodshed of World War I per the terms of an armistice agreement signed in France that same day.

But World War I — the “War to end all wars” — did not officially end until seven months later.

A veteran at Arlington Cemetery’s Veterans Day ceremonies on Oct. 27, 1975. 

(James K.W. Atherton/The Washington Post)

Nov. 11, 1919

On the one-year anniversary of the armistice agreement, President Woodrow Wilson signed a proclamation commemorating Nov. 11 as Armistice Day. The celebrations were to include parades, public meetings and a two-minute suspension of business at 11 a.m.

The proclamation read: “… Armistice Day will be filled with solemn pride in the heroism of those who died in the country’s service and with gratitude for the victory, both because of the thing from which it has freed us and because of the opportunity it has given America to show her sympathy with peace and justice in the councils of the nations …”

A watch soldier places a wreath at the Tomb of the Unknowns at Arlington National Cemetery in 1977. (Frank Johnston/The Washington Post)

June 4, 1926

Congress passed a resolution urging state governors to observe Armistice Day with “thanksgiving and prayer and exercises designed to perpetuate peace through goodwill and mutual understanding between nations.”

At the time, 27 states had already made Nov. 11 a legal holiday.

Spec. Austin Allen, who served in Iraq with the 4th Infantry Division, gets a loving look from his wife, Carolyn, during a Veterans Day observance in Washington. (Carol Guzy / The Washington Post)

May 13, 1938

More than a decade later, Congress made Armistice Day an official holiday dedicated to world peace.

June 1, 1954

World War I was not the war to ends all wars, and lawmakers believed that veterans from World War II and the Korean War also deserved their own day of remembrance. So President Eisenhower signed a bill changing the name of Armistice Day to the more inclusive Veterans Day, a holiday to thank all who had served the United States of America.

Veterans, members of the Honor Guard, in 1976 during then-Secretary of Defense Donald H. Rumsfeld’s address at Arlington National Cemetery. (James K.W. Atherton/The Washington Post)

Oct. 12, 1954

Eisenhower published a proclamation in the Federal Register, instructing citizens to recognize Veterans Day on Nov. 11.

He wrote: “On that day, let us solemnly remember the sacrifices of all those who fought so valiantly, on the seas, in the air, and on foreign shores, to preserve our heritage of freedom, and let us reconsecrate ourselves to the task of promoting an enduring peace so that their efforts shall not have been in vain.”

Victoria Ferguson is comforted by her husband, Phillip Ferguson, at the grave of her brother, David Taylor Miller, at Arlington National Cemetery on Nov. 11, 2015. Miller, who was killed in Afghanistan, would have marked his 25th birthday that Veterans Day. 

(Matt McClain/ The Washington Post)

June 28, 1968

Fifty years after the armistice agreement, Congress passed the Uniform Monday Holiday Act of 1968, which moved Veterans Day from its original Nov. 11 date to the fourth Monday in October. The act also declared that Memorial Day, Columbus Day and Washington’s Birthday would be observed on Mondays throughout the year.

The new dates were meant to take effect in 1971.

As a group of Vietnam veterans hug and pray in 1997, color guards representing several groups march above them.  (Photo by Michael Williamson / The Washington Post)

Oct. 25, 1971

Veterans Day, federally recognized for the first time on a day other than Nov. 11, is celebrated with much confusion. Many states and most veterans organizations disagreed with the date change and continued to celebrate Veterans Day on Nov. 11, which held historic and patriotic importance.

(Vanessa Barnes Hillian/The Washington Post)

Sept. 18, 1975

Congress passed a bill changing the observation of Veterans Day back to Nov. 11, where it has remained for the 47 years since.

Much has changed in the 98 years since Armistice Day was first observed.

Now we honor not just servicemen, but servicewomen. Our wars are not fought with cannons, but with drones. The war to end all wars didn’t end war at all. Soldiers have fought and died all over the globe.

But through the past century, despite its different names and dates, the purpose of Veterans Day has remained the same — to say thanks.

On Nov. 11, 2010, at the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in Washington, D.C., veteran Dwight Holliday, 62, remembers a fallen friend, James Miremont, who died in his arms during the war. Holliday, who was an Army staff sergeant, said that Miremont died from friendly fire.

(Photo by Linda Davidson/ The Washington Post)

********

Why This Matters To Me...

I am a veteran, my father and my father's father were veterans and we all served with pride, honor and a measure of shame.  Me I served as a silent and scared gay man before and during "Don't ask, Don't tell". I lived in constant fear that my secret would come to light and I would drummed out of the service.  For my father and my grandfather, their shame was that they both served in a segregated force under fire and in battle, bleeding the same patriot's blood as the white men who served above decks and at the head of the line.  

But we all had this in common, despite the hardships and deprevations of the injustices thrust upon us for no reason other than our color or in my case, my sexual orientation, we loved our nation and were willing to lay down our lives in her defense in the hope that a better country might someday come.  

For all of us including me, those dreams seemed to come true...  

After returning from WWI Europe, my grandfather, who'd been born to former slaves would go on to fight to win the right to vote and work and make a decent living in the factories of Detroit. 

My father, upon returning from some of the bloodiest battles of the Pacific during WWII would extend that progress to "Living the American Dream" as he and my mother worked hard to provide us a very good home and to see their children go to college and have careers that my grandfather could not have imagined.  

And me, I was able to come out of the closet and be honest with those I had served with in silence.  I was even able know the truth of love and stop living in fear... Today, I am a married, openly gay man. I am the father of three and a grandfather as well.

But today, this Veteran's Day seems more solemn than those in recent years... I question whether the progress won by so much blood and by so many lives like my fathers' and mine will be rolled back in this age of renewed hate and pernicious evils... yet I have the same hope of my fathers that things will get better for me and mine, and so the struggle continues.

"Fear Eats the Soul"

"The Truth About Who We Are..."

Torrey, Artist, New York City
by thegaymenproject
photos by Kevin Truong

Torrey, in his own words:" I definitely see being gay within the context of a broader identity as a Queer person. I see it as a history, both forgotten and hidden, triumphantly emerging from the shadows, drumming and dancing a present and future sown with compassion and conscious of our existence as a collective bound to the lonely orb upon which we sit. Iconoclasts, enigmas, renegades, eccentrics, artists, healers, spiritual leaders, and so much more, across the body of this Earth, throughout humankind's presence here. Essentially, in my opinion, it means we're a marvelous and absolutely essential gift to our societies and communities, as powerful archetypes and as individuals embodying those roles as ancient as life itself.

At risk of sounding like Miss New Age America, one matter I encounter daily and expect to until the last, is how to love myself better so I am capable of greater love, in intention and action, towards all of humankind, our fellow occupants on the Mothership and the big blue and green lady herself. I feel as a Queer Person of Color who occupies space and has been conditioned within a racist, hetero-cis-sexist, patriarchal culture, my never ending journey in self-love and liberation, unlearning fear, stigma, shame and self-hatred, is both my greatest enduring challenge and endless opportunity for success, wisdom, and joy. "

"A Little Sane Advice..."

This Marriage Advice Should Be Required Reading For Newlyweds
Yes, you absolutely can go to bed angry.

By Abigail Williams

There’s nothing quite like the blissful, magical honeymoon phase. But when you finally come back down to earth, there are some practicalities you and your new spouse will have to face. Here's some sane marriage advice to usher you into your new life together.

Here’s Some Marriage Advice You Haven’t Heard A Million Times Before

Put your kids second to your spouse.

The relationship you have with your kids should never come before your marriage, said Jeffrey Platts, a relationship expert and men’s coach. The “your-spouse-should-always-come-first” philosophy may not sit well with some parents but Platts thinks it could help couples stay clear of divorce. Plus, your kids will grow up knowing what a strong, healthy relationship looks like.

A successful marriage takes hard work to achieve.

Most of us step into marriage hoping for a lifetime of love and happiness, knowing far too little about what might give us our best shot at getting there. Many of us assume that because we’re in love, because we have common values and compatible dreams we’ve got everything we need to have a marriage that lasts.

The annoying habits that drive you nuts before you’re married won’t go away once you’re wed. 

“Your spouse’s annoying habits multiply exponentially after you’ve tied the knot. I’m talking about little things that gain annoying momentum as years go by. For me, it was abrasive quirks like these: tailgating at rush hour, interrupting me to correct me and twisting his napkin into a knot after every meal. Shallow and petty, I admit, but day after day took its toll. While dating, I wrote them off as changeable and cute. When the adrenaline wore off, those pesky habits became a problem.”

Open and honest communication is essential.

Happy couples regularly say “I love you,” but those three little words alone aren’t enough to keep the spark alive through the ups and downs of a long marriage.

To that end, we asked a relationship expert to tell us the most important phrases husbands and wives can say to each other. Here they are:

5 Phrases The Happiest Couples Use To Stay Crazy In LoveBy Coach Todd Reed 

Who knew that just a few little words could make all the difference in a relationship?
In my work with couples, I’ve found that repeating certain phrases is key to staying close and connected to the one you love most. Here are five magic phrases that help keep happy couples feeling crazy in love:

1. “WE CAN WORK IT OUT.”
Notice the word “we” versus “I.” Numerous studies have found a link between marital happiness and how often couples refer to themselves as “we.” That’s because seeing yourself as a team makes you more likely to cope well with the day-to-day problems that are inevitable in any long-term relationship. What’s more, “we” lends a spirit of cooperation to your discussions — and that not only results in fewer disagreements, but also arguments that get resolved more quickly.

2. “I HEAR WHAT YOU’RE SAYING.”
If I had a penny for each time I’ve heard a client complain, “My partner never listens,” I’d be a very wealthy man. We humans have a primal need to feel, both, heard and understood; this is especially true in romantic relationships. When you don’t feel heard and understood, you both struggle to feel important, valued, or connected to one another. Notice that this phrase doesn’t necessarily mean that you agree with what’s being said. But, it does send a critical message that you’re listening with an open mind. And when that happens, your significant other is far more likely to share his or her innermost thoughts and feelings with you, which, naturally, tightens your bond.

3. “I’M CRAZY ABOUT YOU!”
Most of us think nice thoughts about our mates all the time, but all too often, we keep them to ourselves. The truth is, our significant others need to hear (again and again) how smart, charming, attractive and wonderful we think they are. In fact, constant reminders from the person whose opinion they value most (that’d be you!) keep your partner’s self-confidence soaring, spirits high, and his/her connection to you closer than ever.

4. “WOW, THANK YOU!”
In the happiest relationships, couples make a point of acknowledging all the little things — from his clearing the table or taking the kids to the park, to her picking up the dry cleaning or making your favorite meal. But the closest couples add an exclamation to their thanks. Adding a “Wow!” is like underlining your thanks or putting it in bold type, so you know for sure that your partner feels loved and appreciated. In fact, according to behavioral science expert Craig S. Davis, Ph.D., an exclamation actually registers differently on the cochlea — the part of the inner ear that receives and analyzes sound — so your partner literally perks up, listens, and better hears what’s being said.

5. “GO FOR IT!”
This phrase brings the all-important “rah-rah” factor into your relationship. Though short and sweet, it speaks volumes whenever you’re sharing thoughts, hopes, and dreams with one another by sending the message “I’ve got your back” loud and clear. In fact, a ton of research reveals that couples who serve as cheerleaders for one another are not only more optimistic about life and love, but are far more likely to live happily ever after.

Isn't being together all the time what marriage is all about?

It’s not going to kill you to spend a weekend — or a few weeks — away from your spouse. In fact, it could benefit your marriage, especially if you’re experiencing a rough patch.

“Stop talking.” (Or its uglier alternative: “Just shut up.”) 

If you find yourself telling your spouse to “shut up” mid-argument, go directly to jail, do not pass go, and most definitely do not collect $200 — you’ve made a huge slip and don’t deserve it.

Touch and intimacy are truly important.

“When my husband gets home from work we hug for a good two to three minutes. It could be right when he walks in or after greeting our son and changing out of his suit. It’ll happen whether we’re upset with each other or not.”

You really can't live on love alone.

The Beatles were wrong when they claimed “all you need is love.” You also need the ability to navigate some truly rocky financial waters together.

The ability to discuss money matters is imporant. Couples should set aside a time each month or every payday to talk about their family finances, savings and investment goals and spending plans so that both partners know what the family's fiancial position and obligations are.

How each partner feels about finances is often shaped by their experiences with money growing up. And knowing what that history is can give you a greater understanding of your significant other’s attitudes toward money — and help clue you in to sore spots.

Please follow the golden rule of marriage:

If you make it dirty, you clean it. Nobody likes life-maintenance chores, but most of us like ― or can at least appreciate ― cleanliness. Nobody has ever complained about a bathroom being too clean.

We speak different love languages. 

Two people may love each other, but not ‘feel loved’ if they have a different love language. That means, if one spouse’s ‘language of love’ is to do helpful things or buy gifts, and the other’s love language is verbal affirmations, loving touch, or quality time together, the receiver doesn’t really feel love, and the giver doesn’t feel appreciated for the love they’re giving.

Being able to recognize this language barrier and proactively addressing it by adjusting your responses and attitudes goes a long way to making a relationship happier and healthier.

A strong relationship is a marathon, not a sprint. 

Some couples start off hot and heavy, but fizzle out over time. Others with a slow-but-steady burn can last decades or even a lifetime. We asked relationship experts to tell us what common threads they notice among healthy, long-lasting relationships versus short, fleeting ones. This is what they had to say:

1. You can laugh at yourself and each other.“I need to be clear here: I’m not talking about the scornful, contempt-filled laughter that is all about feeling superior and rejecting the other person. That can do serious damage over time. I’m talking about the self-effacing, I-don’t-take-myself-too-seriously sort of laughter that points out the quirks in ourselves, our partners, and our relationship while keeping it light. It’s when people can smile and rib one another about their favorite movie, shake their head and laugh about bad decisions they made in the past, and own up to their own selfishness from time to time.” ― Ryan Howes, psychologist

2. You find little ways to express your love every day.“Having sex is easy. Being loving every day isn’t always. Showing your partner you care, appreciate, and value them can be done in many small, day-to-day ways. Little things add up, like making him a cup of coffee every morning or telling her you appreciate how hard she works. When these caring gestures become habits, it’s a sign a relationship is more likely to last.” ― Kurt Smith, therapist who specializes in counseling for men

3. You’re on the same page where it matters most.“One good sign your relationship will last: your basic values are closely in sync. Research shows in general that the more similar partners are on the most important things in life -– such as religion, money, whether to have children and how to raise them –- the more likely they are to wind up together for life. That’s why it’s good early in a relationship to have a serious ‘values discussion,’ because this basic orientation toward what matters most is unlikely to change.”― Karl Pillemer, professor of human development at Cornell University and author of 30 Lessons for Loving

4. You give each other the benefit of the doubt.
“This means that even if your partner did something that seems insensitive or unkind, like show up late for your big night, you assume that their intentions are good and that they are not trying to hurt you on purpose. Instead of looking for blame, you share how you feel and see if there’s a way to do it differently in the future. Or if they are going to always be late, find some acceptance for who you chose.” ― Celeste Hirschman, sex expert and author of Making Love Real

5. You don’t keep score.“Ideally, partners in a relationship do loving things for one another without expecting anything in return. They give freely, because giving to one another is reward enough. But that isn’t always the case. Many couples find themselves giving to the other in order to receive the same treatment in return. The problem is more than just a focus on giving in order to get: it’s when the arguments about ‘What you’re not doing for me’ start and partners start rolling out the scorecards: ‘I did the dishes five times last week!’ or ‘You’ve gone out with your friends five times since the last time I went.’ Instead of keeping score and waiting for the partner to make things fair for you, how about you just ask for what you want? Like, ‘I know we both hate doing the dishes, but how about we alternate weeks?’” ― Howes 

6. You tackle problems together instead of avoiding them.“Tackling problems head-on is a sure sign of relationship health. Problems are part of life and don’t have to be viewed as something bad to be avoided. They can be opportunities to grow and strengthen your connection and commitment to each other. It takes courage to address problems, but the reward is a stronger, more secure relationship.”― Smith

7. You each take responsibility for your mistakes.“If each person is able to take responsibility for their part in challenging dynamics and admit when they are doing something from an upset or protective place instead of their calm, connected place, it makes a huge difference. Imagine one person saying, ‘I know when I get really upset I chase after you and that can be overwhelming’ and then the other one saying, ‘Yeah, it can, and I know I can shut down sometimes and that can be really scary for you.’ That’s a relationship that can last.” ― Danielle Harel, sex expert and author of Making Love Real

Therapists Tell Couples To Ignore This Common Marriage Advice

Go ahead and go to bed angry. If you or your spouse are exhausted, it’s better to save that heavy conversation for the morning, when you have the emotional bandwidth to handle it. If you’re sleep deprived, you’re more likely to get emotional and less likely to respond in calm, grownup way. Indeed, studies have shown that the brain’s emotional centers are more reactive when we’re sleep deprived.

Don’t buy into the myth that a happy relationship is argument-free. Successful, healthy couples do argue, they just handle fights better.

And, speaking of therapy, There’s Only One Sign A Couple Should Go To Therapy

Counseling may seem like a waste of effort when things are going smoothly, but therapists around the country say it’s always a good time to stop in; you don’t need a huge problem to be the catalyst. (A strong case can even be made for going to a marriage therapist on your own, believe it or not.)

edited and adapted from an original article found here