"A Thought To Ponder..."

My mother often said, "You can't miss what you've never had"

I'm going to miss the feeling of knowing that this good man was looking after us...

Thank you, Mr. President Uncle Joe!

"Just For Fun..."

The discussion this morning in Sunday School...

"This Made Me Smile..."

Fozzie Bear on meeting a Christian Homophobe...

"Wocka wocka!"

"A Little Sane Advice..."

"Same Gender Loving People - No. 3996"

"Love Is Faith And Hope..."

Positive images of people like me... The truth of the matter is that we all need to see people like ourselves. So everyday, I'll post a photo, drawing or some other artwork that depicts Same Gender Loving People as what we are... Only Human.

"It's Not So Funny..."

Of course that gleaming edifice built to glorify God the pastor's ego is an essential community service business...

Thou Shalt Stay the Hell Home!

"The Imitation Of Life..."

"Blackbird" (2014) - Seventeen-year-old Randy (Julian Walker) tries very hard to be a good person. Since his father (Isaiah Washington) left, Randy takes care of his emotionally disturbed mother (Mo’Nique), and he’s the kind of friend all of his classmates can depend on. As strong as he seems on the outside, Randy is hiding a secret inner struggle and denial of his true self.  It’s not until he opens himself up to love that he discovers that becoming a man means accepting who you really are.

"And The Truth Shall Set You Free..."

I Knew I Was Gay When I Was Five Years Old

Medium.com
Darren Stehle
March  13, 2018

For as long as I can remember I’ve always known, but for the longest time it wasn’t a feeling of pride. It was a combination of fear, guilt, shame, unrequited desire, silence, isolation, and otherness.

I was five or six years old when I went to a girl’s house to play. I don’t remember if she was from school or one of the kids in the neighbourhood. From my little boy’s eyes her house seemed like a mansion. The basement was so large I felt overwhelmed by the number of closed doors I could see. We went into a playroom filled with toys. I remember wanting to play with the dollhouse more than anything. Something about that moment made me self-conscious.

My grade 2 teacher’s name was Miss Hickey. I remember her name because she cared about me and I could see her compassion when she looked me in the eyes. I was learning dyslexic and had severe ADHD. She spent time with me after class to help me practice my alphabet and to learn how to write the letters.

What I liked most about grade 2 was Ted. He sat one or two rows in front of me and often, when I passed behind his desk, I would poke him. He was a little bit chubby but I had a crush on him. His reaction to me, and that of the other boys and girls, also made me self-conscious.

For many years I didn’t have a word for what I was feeling. But by grade 7 a couple of the bullies did. Sitting in the back of the class, in a portable, one of the “bad boys” pulled out his penis to show the girl beside him. Since I was to his left, I couldn’t help but notice all the pubic hair, and the fact he was so comfortable whipping it out. He knew I’d look, didn’t care, and used that against me.

When I entered high school I had high hopes for a new kind of freedom and the possibility of starting fresh. I wasn’t an excellent student. I had a terrible time focussing and paying attention, still ADHD, but not as bad as childhood. I was so insecure I didn’t make very many friends. I was the classic loner sitting at the very edge of a cafeteria table, eating his lunch, head down and alone.

In grade 10 gym class I saw Ted again. There was a small room in the gym filled with Universal exercise equipment. Ted worked out in the gym over the summer and in my eyes he was a muscled Adonis. My knees felt weak looking at him and I would jerk off many a night thinking about him.

When I was 16 years old I began to question my religious beliefs. What was being taught in the church at the time didn’t support me as a human being. I had finally learned the language. I privately called myself bisexual — a protective mechanism to avoid accepting the truth of my faggotry.

Around the same time I endured a negative experience in confession with a priest. He criticized my cousin, who had to leave the Dominican priesthood due to a nervous breakdown. This felt like the highest form of hypocrisy for a Christian in my eyes. A priest, someone I went to seeking solace and guidance, spoke ill of my cousin. His harsh words made me question the validity of the church’s teaching and I could no longer believe in god. I left the Catholic church and became agnostic. I suppose I was sitting on the fence about everything — neither straight or gay, neither a believer or a non-believer.

In grade 12 I tried dating two different girls. One was at my high school and she was part of the New Wave crowd, to which I belonged. Tara was sweet on me and I couldn’t help but enjoy her affections. We slow danced at one of the school dances and with our bodies pressed close I knew I couldn’t date her anymore.

The other girl I met at a friend’s house party. I was drunk as she laid on top of me on the couch in the basement, with others coupling up and playing the same game. I had a raging hard-on that she groped and rubbed against. I don’t know how I didn’t shoot a load in my pants. My hormones were driving my body, but my mind was thinking about doing what she was doing to me with one of the boys in the same room.

That night of grinding didn’t go any farther. A week later I had dinner with her family, but soon after I knew I had to end the sham before I did something I’d regret. I told her something nice to make her feel good about herself and not implicate me as a homosexual. My best friend, Kevin, told me what he’d heard her say sometime after I broke it off with her. Apparently I was one of the nicest guys she had ever gone out with who didn’t try and take advantage of her.

Isn’t that exactly how a thoughtful homosexual treats a woman? :-)

I finally came out to my closest friends in the summer after high school. Everyone was accepting and supportive. That was a bittersweet summer. Nothing would’ve been better if I could have been out and accepted during high school.

Coming out is a lifelong process and I don’t know how times I’ve had to come out in different ways since high school. There will always be a tiny part of me that lives in the closet. But thankfully, the strong, proud queer in me stands up and says,

“Fuck the closet! Be who you are without compromising your identity or authenticity. And fuck anyone else who dares tell you otherwise!”

"The Truth About Who We Are..."

Christian and Gustavo, Lima, Peru
by thegaymenproject
photo by Kevin Truong

Christian, in his own words: "Para mi ser gay significa ser sincero conmigo mismo, permitirme expresar lo que siento por la persona a quien amo sin importar las condiciones sociales que presionan para que esto tenga que ser algo oculto e incluso visto como algo malo.

Siempre he considerado que una persona gay no es un ser débil, por el contrario, una persona gay que vive abiertamente su homosexualidad tiene mucho valor, ya que no es fácil luchar contra una sociedad machista y de mentalidad cerrada.

Yo me di cuenta que era gay entre los 17 y 18 años, y debo confesar que fue algo extraño, ya que no era algo que en algún momento hubiera considerado como opción. En un principio se lo conté a mis primos, quienes son como mis hermanos y, luego de terminar mi primera relación, se los conté a mis padres. Hasta el día de hoy considero que fue la peor decisión que tomé en el momento, ya que lo hice bajo efectos del alcohol, y creo que tuvo consecuencias que pude haber evitado si lo hubiera hecho de otra manera. Mis padres no lo tomaron de la mejor manera, ya que son personas muy conservadoras, además me educaron bajo la religión católica desde niño.

Luego de confesarles que era gay, mi papá tuvo un ataque cardíaco y mi mamá se echaba la culpa de la situación. Busqué la forma de alejarme de ellos, ya que pensaba que era la solución en ese momento, y busqué la forma de trabajar en el extranjero para poder escapar de la situación.

Considero que eso me ayudó mucho, ya que permitió que la relación que tengo con mis padres en la actualidad haya madurado de tal forma que mi novio ahora sea bienvenido en mi hogar. El hecho de que mis padres lo acepten y acepten la idea de que es mi pareja y sea tratado con el mismo respeto que a la novia de mi hermano, me hace muy feliz.

Considero que la comunidad gay en Lima no es muy grande, pero algo que me alegra e inspira es saber que hay muchas personas que buscan un futuro de igualdad, en donde uno pueda ser feliz con su respectiva pareja. Sé de muchas personas que han tenido que irse a otro país para llevar una vida "normal" sin presiones de ningún tipo, e incluso puedo decir que yo he considerado esa idea ya que hace un par de años atrás era más complicado ser abiertamente gay.

Si pudiera decirle algo a mi yo de hace ocho años, creo que sería: “Tranquilo, todo va a mejorar por imposible que parezca."

In English:

"For me being gay means being honest with myself, allowing myself to express what I feel for the person whom I love regardless of social conditions that push for this to be something hidden and even seen as wrong.

I have always thought that a gay person is not a weakling, however, a gay person openly living homosexuality is valuable because it is not easy to fight a sexist and closed-minded society.

I realized I was gay between 17 and 18 years, and I must confess that it was strange as it was not something that at the time had been considered as an option. At first I told my cousins, who are like my brothers and after finishing my first relationship, I told my parents. To this day I believe that was the worst decision I made at the time, as I did it under the influence of alcohol, and I think it had consequences that could have been avoided if I had done it otherwise. My parents did not take it in the best way, because they are very conservative people, plus I was raised in the Catholic religion as a child.

After I confessed that I was gay, my dad had a heart attack and my mother blamed me for the situation. I looked for a way to get away from them because they thought it was the solution at the time, and looked for a way to work abroad to escape the situation.

I think that helped me a lot, and that allowed the relationship I have with my parents now to mature so that my boyfriend is now welcome to my home. The fact that my parents accept it and accept my partner and treats him with the same respect as my brother's girlfriend, makes me very happy.

I think the gay community in Lima is not great, but something that makes me happy and inspiring is to know that there are many people who seek a future of equality, where one can be happy with their respective partners. I know of many people who have had to go to another country to live a "normal" life without pressure of any kind, and I can even say that I have considered the idea since a couple of years ago was more difficult to be openly gay.

If I could say something to my younger self, I think it would be: "Quiet, everything will get better as impossible as it may seem."

Gustavo, in his own words: "No considero que ser gay sea algo raro, porque yo no me siento raro, no me siento diferente a los demás; sin embargo, considero que ser gay y vivir feliz con eso es la valentía más grande que una persona puede llegar a tener en medio de una situación constante de juicio, desagrado y desprecio que tiene la sociedad ante las personas homosexuales.

Se necesita demasiado valor y una autoestima muy fuerte para poder vivir feliz, ya que la sociedad va a ocuparse de convencerte de que la forma en la que vives es abominable, y van a tratar de cambiarte a lo que ellos consideran que está bien solo por la idea egoísta de que a ellos no les agrada tu forma de vivir, entonces van a tratar de cambiarte a algo que a ellos les agrade. Creo que la gente y la sociedad en general le tiene miedo a lo “diferente”, a lo que no piensa como ellos, entonces por instinto, buscan moldearlo a lo que a ellos les agrade para sentir que todo está en orden.

Realmente nunca me puse a pensar en qué momento me di cuenta que era gay, ya que llegaba a enamorarme fuertemente de la esencia de las personas, sin importarme si eran hombre o mujer, eventualmente desarrollé un gusto mayor por el sexo masculino. Sinceramente no recuerdo cuándo ocurrió exactamente, pero si tuviera que ponerle una edad, sería entre los 20 y 21 años.

Mis padres se enteraron cuando mi madre tomó mi celular y vio una conversación mía con un amigo a quien le contaba que yo ya tenía dos meses con mi pareja y que era muy feliz con él. Inmediatamente me llamó a su cuarto y me preguntó qué significaba toda esa conversación, y le expliqué la situación, se echó a su cama a llorar y a preguntarme desde cuándo era gay, y recuerdo que en mi mente pensaba “no lo sé”, ya que realmente nunca lo había pensado. Luego mi padre escuchó la conversación, entró a la habitación, se echó en la cama al lado de mi madre y con calma me hizo una serie de preguntas más pensadas sin dejarse llevar por la desesperación; sin embargo, no podía dejar de pensar que les había hecho demasiado daño en ese momento.
El sentimiento de culpa es otro factor con el que se tiene que lidiar, porque una persona no decide ser gay, solo es como es y listo. Si se pudiera elegir entre ser gay y no serlo, creo que nadie elegiría este camino tan complicado y lleno de juicios malintencionados, ¿no creen?. Y para hacer mucho más complicada la situación, el mismo día que mis papás se enteran, yo decido cortar con mi pareja llevado por un sentimiento de culpa, ya que pensaba que si seguía con la relación, les iba a hacer más daño a mis padres.

Luego de un tiempo retomé mi relación, y hasta la actualidad no me arrepiento de haber cortado con él en ese momento ya que ese tiempo que estuve solo lo dediqué a pensar si es que es justo que por otras personas yo tenga que sacrificar mi felicidad. Ese es otro factor importante en la vida de una persona, sea gay o no, ya que a veces hay que ser egoístas con los sentimientos de tus seres queridos a quienes ves sufrir, en este caso por tu opción sexual, si es que en verdad quieres ser feliz tú. Con el tiempo se van a dar cuenta de que eres feliz, y si realmente te quieren, ellos también lo serán.

Para terminar, si pudiera decirle algo a mi yo del pasado, le diría que para llegar a ser feliz, primero tiene que costarte unas cuantas tristezas de las cuales siempre tienes que rescatar lo mejor, y aprender de eso. Por otro lado, ser feliz solo va a depender de ti mismo y de la actitud que tengas frente a la situación, ya que si sabes vivir como eres y te aceptas a ti mismo, los demás van a tomar la misma actitud contigo."

In English:

"I do not think that being gay is something wrong, because I do not feel weird, I do not feel different from others; However, I believe that being gay and living happily with that is the greatest courage that a person can have in the middle of a constant state of judgment, disgust and contempt that society has with gay people.

It takes much value and a strong self-esteem to live happy, and society will take care to convince you that the way you live is abominable, and will try to change you into what they think is right just because of the selfish idea that they do not like the way you live, then they will try to change you into something that pleases them. I think people and society in general are afraid of things that are "different" to what is like them, and instinctively seeks to mold that difference to what pleases them to feel that everything is in order.

I never really got to thinking about at what time I realized I was gay, because falling in love came strongly with the essence of people, whether they were male or female, eventually I developed a greater taste for men. Honestly I do not remember exactly when it happened, but if I had to pick an age, it would be between 20 and 21 years.

My parents found out when my mother took my phone and saw a conversation with a friend of mine who told him that I already had two months with my partner and was very happy with it. Immediately she called me to her room and asked me what all this talk was about, and I explained the situation, she took to her bed to mourn and wonder why I was gay, and I remember that in my mind I thought "I do not know" as I had never really thought about. Then my father heard the conversation, entered the room, sat on the bed next to my mother and calmly asked me a series of questions designed more unencumbered by despair; however, I could not help thinking that there was too much damage done to them at the time.

Guilt is another factor which I have had to deal with, because a person does not choose to be gay, it just is as it is. If you could choose between being gay and not, I don't think anyone would choose this path so complicated and full of malicious lawsuits, right? And to make things more complicated, the same day my parents found out, I decide to cut out my partner led by a sense of guilt, because I thought that if I kept the relationship, it would do more damage to my parents.

After a while I resumed my relationship, and even now I do not regret having cut him at that time because that time I was just so devoted to wondering if it was fair that I had to sacrifice my happiness for other people. This is another important step in life, whether gay or not, because sometimes you have to be selfish with the feelings of your loved ones who you see are suffering, in this case by your sexual preference, if you really you want to be happy. Eventually they will realize that you are happy, and if they really want to, they will be happy also.

Finally, if I could say something to my younger self, I would say that in order to be happy, you first have to experience a few sorrows of which always you will always be rescued and learn from. On the other hand, being happy is going to depend on yourself and the attitude you have to deal with the situation, because if you know how to live as you are and you accept yourself, others will take the same attitude with you."

"The Artist's Corner..."

Here the Passion of the Christ is re-imagined in the art of Douglas Blanchard. He depicts Christ as a contemporary young gay man, and in so doing, asks the question:

"What If Jesus Were Gay?"

"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound" -Isaiah 61:1 KJV

“And when he entered Jerusalem, all the city was stirred, saying, ‘Who is this?’ And the crowds said, ‘This is the prophet Jesus.’” -Matthew 21:10-11 (RSV)

"And the Jews' passover was at hand, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. And found in the temple those that sold oxen and sheep and doves, and the changers of money sitting: And when he had made a scourge of small cords, he drove them all out of the temple, and the sheep, and the oxen; and poured out the changers' money, and overthrew the tables; And said unto them that sold doves, Take these things hence; make not my Father's house an house of merchandise." - John 2:13-16 KJV

"The chief priests and the teachers of the law heard this and began looking for a way to kill him, for they feared him, because the whole crowd was amazed at his teaching." - Mark 11:18 NIV

"The evening meal was in progress, and the devil had already prompted Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, to betray Jesus." - John 13:2 NIV

“My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,” he said to them. “Stay here and keep watch.” - Mark 14:34

“Have you come out as against a robber, with swords and clubs to capture me?” - Matthew 26:55 RSV

And when he had thus spoken, one of the officers which stood by struck Jesus with the palm of his hand, saying, Answerest thou the high priest so? - John 18:22 KJV

“But he gave him no answer, not even to a single charge; so that the governor wondered greatly.” - Matthew 27:14 RSV

“Behold the man!” - John 19:5 RSV

“Soldiers treated him with contempt and mocked him.” - Luke 23:11 RSV

“Then Pilate took Jesus and scourged him.” - John 19:1 RSV

"...And he went out, bearing his own cross, to the place called The Place of a Skull, which in Aramaic is called Golgotha." - John 19:17 ESV

“There they crucified him.” - Luke 23:33 RSV

“While the sun’s light failed… he breathed his last.” - Luke 23:44-46

“They took the body of Jesus, and bound it in linen cloths with the spices, as is the burial custom.”
- John 19:40 RSV

“Even the darkness is not dark to you.” - Psalm 139:12 (Inclusive Language Lectionary)

“I am the resurrection and the life.” - John 11:25 RSV

“Saying this, she turned round and saw Jesus standing, but she did not know that it was Jesus…. Jesus said to her, “Do not hold me, for I have not yet ascended.” - John 20:14, 17 RSV

“When he was at table with them, he took the bread and blessed, and broke it, and gave it to them. And their eyes were opened and they recognized him.” - Luke 24:30-31 RSV

“And he said to them, ‘Why are you troubled, and why do questionings rise in your hearts? See my hands and my feet, that it is I myself; handle me, and see.’" - Luke 24:38-39 RSV

“As they were looking on, he was lifted up, and a cloud took him out of their sight.” - Acts 1:9 RSV

“There appeared to them tongues as of fire, distributed and resting on each one of them. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit.” - Acts 2:3-4 RSV

“The grace of the Sovereign Jesus Christ and the love of God and the communion of the Holy Spirit be with you all.” - 2 Corinthians 13:14 Inclusive Language Lectionary

All paintings in the series are oil on panel:

"Gay Passion of Christ" by Douglas Blanchard

H/T: Jesus In Love Blog