Showing posts with label Prayer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Prayer. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 15, 2025

"I Am Always Remembering..."

 
Little did I know that early that Sunday morning, now nineteen years ago today, the most significant day of my life had arrived. It was a lovely sunny Autumn day and I remember the sunshine streaming through the window onto the spot where I decided to kneel in prayer. That day, after decades of prayers to be somehow changed, I finally asked if I was as He intended me to be. Immediately, an unlike with all those previous prayers, God answered me straightaway. And I've never been the same since. But that was not actually what changed me.

Finally understanding what I'd needed to know since I was little more than a 5 years old boy, I then prayed to know the truth of love and of what I was feeling in my heart for the beloved one. Every question I had was answered by Him with cautious admonitions over the length of an entire afternoon. And as shadows began to fall across the once bright window, the final question of Him gave the answer I'd dared never to ask for or dream of.

Now filled with fear and courage, I visited him to explain the truth of my heart. I told him for the first time that I loved him. And in doing so, I'd shared the greatest truth of my entire life. I left after speaking my simple but profound truth; I'd never even taken my jacket off during the few minutes I stood there before him. I asked him not to say anything about what I'd said that night until he'd thought and prayed about it himself and then I left.
 
When I laid my head to rest that night, I wondered if my world would change and what the morrow would bring. That next morning, I discovered that my world had changed in every wonderous way I could imagine, and everything seemed gloriously new and beautiful as finally love' true journey had begun in earnest. I've looked back on that Sunday afternoon every day of my life since. It was October 15th, 2006 and yes, absolutely nothing was ever the same.



"I am always remembering...
And my greatest fear is that I may not live long enough to forget."



Sunday, March 31, 2024

"Happy Easter..."


This image is at least 8 years old, They'll be grown men now, I wonder what became of them? Did this love and affection grow into something more?

I've often thought this is the sweetest kiss I've ever seen and it always fills me with hope for the next generation of young men like these two. My prayer for Easter, is that the world may continue to grow just a little bit more accepting and become free for everyone to love whom they love and be themselves, something I couldn't even dream of or imagine when I was this young.



Thursday, November 23, 2023

"Sometimes In Advertising..."


Remember this advert from Kohl's in 2015...?

It seemed like everything was gonna be alright... There were haters about, but Marriage Equality had become the law of the land just months before. Barack Obama was the POTUS and nobody thought Donald Trump had a snowball's chance. The nightmare of the pandemic seemed unimaginable to anyone except Hollywood and a few scientist who tried to warn us... How times have changed!

I'm thankful that I can say, "I saw the time imagined here." Today, I pray for a return to our national senses and to a time of lasting acceptance and inclusion for all in a world where we are free to love and be loved. 

That is my Thanksgiving prayer.



Sunday, October 15, 2023

"I Am Always Remembering..."


It was a day just like today, a chilly but sunny autumn day, a day to marvel at the beauty of the season. I'd said my prayers well before dawn that morning and then I'd been out running in the cold, damp darkness before the sun came up. And though I'd dared not to mention the beloved one to God as I knelt in prayer that chilly and dark morning, every time my foot fell onto the pavement as I ran through the darkness hearing my own blood rush through my veins, in my heart I heard myself declaring to the Lord my love for Stephen.

It was earlier that same week, when I kissed him for the very first time that I knew that something had profoundly changed in my life... Although I could feel my heart beating in my chest as I ran, I knew it no longer belonged to me. I had so effortlessly given it away and it was no longer my own.  And so later that morning as I walked through the house distracting myself with tasks long deferred, while trying to ignore the pull of heartstrings I never knew were there, I found myself back on my knees on the carpet, this time reupholstering the dining room chairs in the same spot where I would pray most everyday. 

While on my knees surrounded by the fabric scraps, staples and brass tacks, I paused to look out the window just as a beam of sunlight broke through the clouds and landed on the carpet beside me. Without knowing why, I moved into that light and found myself again bowing my head in prayer. And then finally, I asked the questions of God that I had been afraid to ask in the 40 years that had led me to that fateful day... I had just three questions: "Am I as you intended me to be?" "Is this love?" "Will you anoint my love for him?" As I knelt in fearful silence awaiting His answers, I soon felt His presence about me. And in an indescribable soft whisper I was given my answers and an unexpected warning about the beloved one's fearful heart.

When finally, I opened my eyes, I realized from the diminishing daylight that hours had passed with me there on the floor in contrite prayer. And for the first time in my life, I felt that everything was clear about what I should do next. Although, I hadn't been ignoring Stephen since experiencing the unbridled passions of that first kiss just a few nights before, I had been avoiding him and declining his invitations to meet over those few days that had since passed.

When I rose from the floor, I sat in a chair by the window and I sent him a text message asking if we could talk. It went unanswered for hours as I sat there waiting.  Then late that evening he finally called... And even as my hand trembled reaching to pick up the phone, knowing it would be him, I knew what I had to say couldn't be said over the phone. I asked if I could come to see him, and he said, "Yes." I remember deciding to wear the same outfit I'd worn to our first date. And as I prepared to leave, I picked up and kissed my Mother's photo, asking her to wish me well in heaven. Then once more, I knelt in prayer again, asking for strength to endure what I believed would be the hardest thing I would ever do. As I closed my front door behind me, I knew nothing would ever be the same on my return.

When I arrived, the beloved one let me in, and without a word being said between us, he led me up the beautiful staircase to his rooms in the palatial mansion he called home. He invited me to sit with him in front of the fireplace... but I told him I would stand as I had something important to tell him. He sat down and I stood before him trembling with fear and I began... "I love you and you have my heart. I don't know what to do next, or what will happen, but I love you and that is all I know." I stood there nearly in tears until he stood up and he took my hand and said, "I love you, too."  With nothing else being said, we stood there in silence until I reached out to take both his hands in mine and he leaned in as I looked fearfully into his eyes and I kissed him gently upon lips that had become instantly precious to me... 

As he pressed his lips against mine with increasing passion, I stepped back and said, "Not yet... I'm going home now." and with one hand, I led him to the door and down the stairs to give me my leave. When I arrived home, as I closed the door behind me, I knew that from that moment until forever more, my life would never be the same. Just before midnight, as I lay restlessly awake thinking of every dream of life that then so suddenly seemed possible, he called and he said to me, "Goodnight Christopher, sleep well and have pleasant dreams. I love you." And that was enough to bring the calm needed for sleep. Just moments later, as I began to drift into the land of dreams that night, across my lips, for the very first time, I whispered, "Goodnight Dearest, I love you!"


I am always remembering...


And, my greatest fear is that I may not live long enough to forget.



"The Artist's Corner..."


"I Submit"
Color adjusted from the original
Fred Matthews



Tuesday, August 9, 2022

"The Imitation Of Life..."







What I Like About This: This scene from "God's Own Country" reveals the moment that fears melt into love's acceptance and the sweet comforts of believing you're no longer alone in the world. Seeing this scene reminded me of when the beloved one returned to me one late summer night after he'd left for a  new life without me in North Carolina...

I had prayed mightily for his return every day for weeks and months and I was even joined in those prayers by my father who had come to live with me that summer.  My father who'd been absent for almost all of my adult life up to then was incredibly distressed by my broken heart, he'd never seen me so distraught and lost.  And so everyday, my father would pray with me morning and night, that somehow God would make a way for the beloved one and I to be happy and safe and together.

I remember it being around 11 pm on that clear and cool late summer night that my prayers were answered... I had helped my father to bathe and he'd gone to bed for the night.  As for me, I was just beginning my nightly vigil of longing and waiting to hear from the one who had left with my heart and my every hope. Then out of the sorrowful loneliness of that night, as I lay in the dark waiting and praying for a call that I thought after many months would never come, the phone lit up and revealed that it was the beloved one.  As I cautiously answered with only, "Hello Stephen," tremors ran through my body as I listened to hear his voice.  In a tone of despondency and contrition, he simply said, "Can I come see you?" And my reply in a broken and tremulous voice was simply, "Yes, I'll be waiting for you."

As I had done so many times before in our love affair, I took up my seat by the window watching for him.  And a short time later, he arrived and as I watched him walk towards the front door, my heart leapt in my chest and pounded so hard I could hear the blood coursing through my veins.  I quickly went downstairs and opened the door just as he reached for the bell. He stepped through and without a word being spoken between us, he put his arms around me and our kiss and embrace was just like this.  No sorrowful apologies were offered and none was needed... God, I thought, had answered my prayers. I closed the door and he said, "Can I stay with you tonight?"  I answered, "Yes, Dearest" as I took his hand and we climbed the stairs together.

In the bedroom, as I closed the door, I told him of how I'd brought my elderly father to live with me... Stephen expressed doubts about staying, but I shared with him that my father wanted us to be happy together and I told him of how my father had prayed for him with me.  We undressed together and then prayed silently at the edge of the bed as we had done so many times before. And as we climbed under the covers and pressed the nakedness of our bodies together, we whispered the truths of our hearts to one another, and I still remember the joy and the wonder of not being alone in the world that night... 



Wednesday, January 20, 2021

Thursday, January 14, 2021

"I Am Always Remembering..."


It was around this time, 12 years ago now, that I finally understood that fear wouldn't let him love me enough to keep his promise to me.  That following day would've been the anniversary of my life's greatest dream turned disappointment. His failure to even acknowledge that pain was too much to bear. He'd toyed with my emotions for far too long and I'd reached the breaking point, even though I loved him with all my heart.

This long while later, as it is every day, the pain is just as intense, the wound just as fresh as it was 4,383 days ago... Each day, I realize that although I tried to move on, and although some would say that I've succeeded, I know the truth is that I love him as much now as I did 12 years ago today. Tonight, as I lie between the sheets of the empty bed that we once shared, my prayers will be to dream of him again in moments of fitful sleep.

I am always remembering...


"Fear Eats the Soul"



Thursday, October 15, 2020

"I Am Always Remembering..."


Little did I know early that morning, now fourteen years ago today, that as I knelt to pray at the beginning of that autumn Sunday, my life would be momentously changed in an instant before that day had ended. And, that before that day was done, I would come to count both the beginning of my life from that one day, and from that one moment, with the utterance of just a few words, it would also become the day from which I marked the end.

I am always remembering...



"Fear Eats the Soul"



Saturday, October 15, 2016

"Remembering A Love Song..."

This is a very beautiful song and video about "love." And although, it's very "hetero-normative," it speaks to the thoughts and the feeling of same gender loving people too. In fact, in an almost disturbing way, it reveals some of the deep-seated thoughts and anguish that I think "we" often feel as some of us believe "our lives" can't be like this.

I myself have thought that if there were a "real ability" to choose not to be as God has made me, I don't know what I'd do... I look at couples in just the same longing way that Gary Barlow does in this video, I always have. And for a very long time in my life, I prayed that somehow God would make me not "one of the others" so that I too could know what I dreamt it must feel like to be with one's "forever love."

Mistakenly, I concluded from God's silence in the face of those thousands and thousands of prayers that went on for decades of my life that it was in my hands to try to achieve that impossible dream. Like many others before me and since, I married a woman I did not love, a woman my heart could not love. And even as I lied to her, saying I was in love, I knew that God had made my heart for a man like myself. And in that bout of self-delusion I discovered that all I had done was to inflict upon myself a terrible punishment. And it was a punishment that hurt her as well and one that left me cold and empty and alone for many years thereafter.

But it was on this day, exactly four year ago today that I sought my answer from God about the true nature of my heart and about true love and about what life could be for me and the man I had truly fallen in love with.

I prayed upon my knees that day from sunrise to sunset. And as I felt the sun moving from one window to the next as the day passed by, God spoke to my heart quite clearly. I had finally asked of Him the right questions and He answered me and I could hear Him. God revealed that He had made no mistake in me... My heart was exactly as He intended. He shared with me that He had ordained love for all His sons and daughters and He approved of all love including mine. And then finally, He gave me a warning about the fear and evil in the world that tries to destroy love. And He explained to me the dangers of loving a heart that feared, and I understood.

Late that night, I bravely declared my love to the one who had fearfully stolen my heart and my world has never been the same...


"Fear Eats the Soul"



Epilogue: It's been exactly 10 years today since that day that I knelt in prayer to ask my question... Many changes have come into my life. I am married to a man I love in a different way. I am a father again to two lovely children, and I have a generally pleasant tide of life.  But one thing has remained the same through all these days and years... my love for him has endured unchanged and not a single day since that most momentous day in the autumn of 2006 has passed without my remembering him.




Thursday, November 28, 2013

"Remembering The Reasons Why..."


A Haudenosaunee Native American "Thanksgiving" Prayer

GREETINGS TO THE NATURAL WORLD!

The People
Today we have gathered and we see that the cycles of life continue. We have been given the duty to live in balance and harmony with each other and all living things. So now, we bring our minds together as one as we give greetings and thanks to each other as People.
Now our minds are one.

The Earth Mother
We are all thankful to our Mother, the Earth, for she gives us all that we need for life. She supports our feet as we walk about upon her. It gives us joy that she continues to care for us as she has from the beginning of time. To our Mother, we send greetings and thanks.
Now our minds are one.

The Waters
We give thanks to all the Waters of the world for quenching our thirst and providing us with strength. Water is life. We know its power in many forms - waterfalls and rain, mists and streams, rivers and oceans. With one mind, we send greetings and thanks to the spirit of water.
Now our minds are one.

The Fish
We turn our minds to all the Fish life in the water. They were instructed to cleanse and purify the water. They also give themselves to us as food. We are grateful that we can still find pure water. So, we turn now to the Fish and send our greetings and thanks.
Now our minds are one.

The Plants
Now we turn toward the vast fields of Plant life. As far as the eye can see, the Plants grow, working many wonders. They sustain many life forms. With our minds gathered together, we give thanks and look forward to seeing Plant life for many generations to come.
Now our minds are one.

The Food Plants
With one mind, we turn to honor and thank all the Food Plants we harvest from the garden. Since the beginning of time, the grains, vegetables, beans and berries have helped the people survive. Many other living things draw strength from them too. We gather all the Plant Foods together as one and send them a greeting and thanks.
Now our minds are one.

The Medicine Herbs
Now we turn to all the Medicine herbs of the world. From the beginning, they were instructed to take away sickness. They are always waiting and ready to heal us. We are happy there are still among us those special few who remember how to use these plants for healing. With one mind, we send greetings and thanks to the Medicines and to the keepers of the Medicines.
Now our minds are one.

The Animals
We gather our minds together to send greetings and thanks to all the Animal life in the world. They have many things to teach us as people. We see them near our homes and in the deep forests. We are glad they are still here and we hope that it will always be so.
Now our minds are one.

The Trees
We now turn our thoughts to the Trees. The Earth has many families of Trees who have their own instructions and uses. Some provide us with shelter and shade, others with fruit, beauty and other useful things. Many peoples of the world use a Tree as a symbol of peace and strength. With one mind, we greet and thank the Tree life.
Now our minds are one.

The Birds
We put our minds together as one and thank all the Birds who move and fly about over our heads. The Creator gave them beautiful songs. Each day they remind us to enjoy and appreciate life. The Eagle was chosen to be their leader. To all the Birds - from the smallest to the largest - we send our joyful greetings and thanks.
Now our minds are one.

The Four Winds
We are all thankful to the powers we know as the Four Winds. We hear their voices in the moving air as they refresh us and purify the air we breathe. They help to bring the change of seasons. From the four directions they come, bringing us messages and giving us strength. With one mind, we send our greetings and thanks to the Four Winds.
Now our minds are one.

The Thunderers
Now we turn to the west where our Grandfathers, the Thunder Beings, live. With lightning and thundering voices, they bring with them the water that renews life. We bring our minds together as one to send greetings and thanks to our Grandfathers, the Thunderers.
Now our minds are one.

The Sun
We now send greetings and thanks to our eldest Brother, the Sun. Each day without fail he travels the sky from east to west, bringing the light of a new day. He is the source of all the fires of life. With one mind, we send greetings and thanks to our Brother, the Sun.
Now our minds are one.

Grandmother Moon
We put our minds together and give thanks to our oldest grandmother, the Moon, who lights the night-time sky. She is the leader of women all over the world, and she governs the movement of the ocean tides. By her changing face we measure time, and it is the Moon who watches over the arrival of children here on Earth. With one mind, we send greetings and thanks to our Grandmother, the Moon.
Now our minds are one.

The Stars
We give thanks to the Stars who are spread across the sky like jewelry. We see them in the night, helping the Moon to light the darkness and bringing dew to the gardens and growing things. When we travel at night, they guide us home. With our minds gathered together as one, we send greetings and thanks to all the Stars.
Now our minds are one.

The Enlightened Teachers
We gather our minds to greet and thank the enlightened Teachers who have come to help throughout the ages. When we forget how to live in harmony, they remind us of the way we were instructed to live as people. With one mind, we send greetings and thanks to these caring Teachers.
Now our minds are one.

The Creator
Now we turn our thoughts to the Creator, or Great Spirit, and send greetings and thanks for the gifts of Creation. Everything we need to live a good life is here on this Mother Earth. For all the love that is still around us, we gather our minds together as one and send our choicest words of greetings and thanks to the Creator.
Now our minds are one.

Closing Words
We have now arrived at the place where we end our words. Of all the things we have named, it was not our intention to leave anything out. If something was forgotten, we leave it to each individual to send such greetings and thanks in their own way.
Now our minds are one.



Wednesday, October 16, 2013

"I Am Always Remembering..."

That next day after declaring my love to him and experiencing passions with him that I'd only ever dared to imagine... I hardly slept at all that night when I got home.

At 5 a.m. I was out on the foggy streets taking my daily run and as I made my way down the dark boulevards and avenues, I gave my thanks to God for his answering my prayer for someone to love.

When I got home, a text from him awaited me and my heart raced as I read it.  Stephen asked me to call him and I did.  He asked me to spend the day with him.  As I dressed, my head was dizzy with thoughts of love's fulfillment... And as I made my way back to the Fisher mansion to see him whom I was so in love with, I asked God to let it be true that my long wait had finally ended.

When I arrived, Stephen wasn't dressed and as he invited me in he told me that we had the house to ourselves for the day.  As he took my hand, I fearlessly undressed and joined him in his bed and we basked in the warmth of our naked bodies pressed together and this was love...

We stayed that way in each others arms from sunrise to midday and as the hours passed us by without notice or care, we whispered our dreams to each other and we knew our love was real.

I am always remembering... it was October 16th 2006.


"Fear Eats the Soul"



Saturday, August 31, 2013

"The Truth About Canada..."

Canada, like the US is known as a bastion of freedom around the world... Unlike the US, Canada actually strives to live up to her promises of freedom and equality for all and this one of the reasons why I've always loved and admired our neighbor to the South.* My husband and I were married in Canada in 2011. Canada was one of the first nations in the world to adopt full marriage equality nationwide.


Comment: Canada Is Embracing Gay Muslims
PinkNews.co.uk
by Barry Dennison
30 August 2013

Journalist Barry Dennison explores how a group of gay Muslims practice their faith during Ramadan in Canada.

After seeing numerous internet pictures of gay men being hung by the neck in Iran, it raised questions: How is Islam practiced in western society? Does the Canadian Government truly give everyone equal opportunity to believe as they choose?

Yet it appears the first breach of human rights law doesn’t come from government, instead Mosques refuse to accept homosexuals, as well as deny women the right to pray beside men.

This is an “accepted” discrimination (transferred from other countries) that won’t change for the majority of believers of Islam in Canada, Britain, Australia and the US.

So, I was heartened to learn of a Canadian gay Muslim who organised a group called, “Salaam” that hosts a “Jum’ah” (noon prayers) and an Itfar (a community gathering in the evening) during Ramadan, and who welcomed others in to observe their services.

As a journalist, I wanted to go see for myself why this religion was so important to those who have faced such discrimination.

My first question upon meeting immigration lawyer, El Farouk Khaki, was to ask: “Why does this religion mean so much to you after being viciously shunned by Mosques?”

Mr Khaki’s viewpoint saw passed this ill-treatment from others and explained the single most important thing is to have “… a relationship with Allah, one that will be defined by me and Allah. Not by other men.”

Ramadan involves fasting for 30 days, as instructed in the Quran, the Muslim holy book. The purpose of fasting is reportedly “to learn what poor people experience” and believers are encouraged to help disadvantaged people in their own communities.

As I discover, an Iftar can be a small intimate gathering of around 2-4 in a home, a park or larger community gatherings as this one in a Toronto community centre, “The 519” (gay Toronto’s ‘command central’ to various gay/lesbian social groups).

The estimated 250 attendees was comprised of other non-Muslim people as politicians and journalists, Arab and South Asian youth groups, NGO staff who help refugees settle, to lobbyists who travel to refugee camps helping gays immigrate to safety. Others were Canadian and American women groups, even a gay Iman from Washington DC.

The gathering was timed for just before the sun sets, prayers started for a short time, then attendees are served with “dates” as this fruit is the first item a Muslim eats when ending a fast.

Calling their prayer meeting to order with a large voiced guttural sound that one might expect from an Aboriginal tribal ritual or as in this Arab custom, an “Adhan” … I knew this was going to be something different from my Christian background.

This Muslim service is uniquely Arabic and old world in its own right, as the ceremony involved the group bowing in unison from a stand up, then from a kneeling position, whilst a member of a group says prayers aloud, reportedly quotes from the Quran in Arabic.

Watching this group of people, I felt honoured to witness gay men and women kneeling to pray together. I sensed their dignity as well as a tremendous respect for the rituals they learned in earlier years from family and home countries.

As the evening’s Itfar progressed, a representative from Canada’s first peoples, Aboriginal/Native Indian and a member from the Sikh religion were invited to speak. Also among this group of Muslims was a man wearing a “yarmulke”, the small cloth skull-caps Jewish men wear.

“We are reaching out to others.” explained El-Farouk Khaki, who added: “We all believe in the same one God.”

Wow, Jews and Muslims praying together! Surprise!

Soon each of the 30 tables were invited one by one to line up for a meal catered by a women of East African decent.

Waiting for my table’s turn to go get some food, I chatted with a refugee from Iran – a country where families offer up their own children (seen to be gay/effeminate) to the government for death by hanging. Alternatively, gay men in Iran are forced to have gender confirmation treatment, as young as 16-years-old.

“Iran is a great place for strong men, not for small frail people like me. I have been in Canada for 6 weeks, arriving only with a citizenship from a refugee camp in Turkey.”, said the refugee, proudly showing me his new Canadian passport.

Speaking of his experience in a Turkish refugee camp, he said: “Many other refugees went to Finland and Norway. But I was happy the United Nations Refugee Agency chose Canada for me because there is so much tension in Europe between Muslims and westerners.”

This man’s commentary over the course of the evening was priceless to my limited experience at Iftars.

As tables of anxious hungry people were called to line up for this delicious food we could smell wafting in the air, hearing this new fellow Canadian’s experience made me happy to learn the Canadian Government is willing to help “accused homosexuals” in countries as Uganda, Iraq, Iran where killing homosexuals is a cruel sport.

Learning that Canada will reportedly help gay Muslims reach freedom from oppressive regimes is awesome, especially complete with citizenship, short-term accommodation, $2,500 for living expenses, with time to learn English and get a job.

This makes me proud of Canada. Yes dammit’, this liberal is gratefully conceding that Prime Minister Steven Harper and his Immigration Minister, John Baird, has shown compassion for fellow human beings, including homosexuals.

Not something anyone expected from a Conservative Government, but certainly welcomed.

With more prayers after dinner, the service was led by a female, Dr Amina Wadud of California, concluded: “My work has always been on gender issues. It was only a couple of years ago did I pray to find it in myself to love and accept those with a different sexual orientation and gender identity.”

“Now I do so with an open heart.”

Soon lemon meringue desserts and coffee arrived which was as tasty as your Grandma used to make at our own church’s turkey suppers! Local entertainers, dancers and singers presented their talent and supported with cheers from the crowd.

All in all, I came away from this Muslim event thinking well of my fellow (wo)man and my country, calm in the knowledge that there are Muslims here who do exercise their “right to assembly” to carry on with the religious ceremonies they value, and to share the lessons of their religion with like-minded people.

Clearly, these Muslim folks just want to live peacefully, with the simple message for us all to have an open mind and heart – to stop treating each other as “the other”.

Now, that is one one bottom line we all can agree on as humans no matter where we call ‘home’!

Barry Dennison is a 25-year veteran journalist who specialises in legal affairs and human rights law.


*****

"Fear Eats the Soul"


* Yes, I know Canada is America's neighbor to the North, but from Detroit, to get to Canada you travel due South (don't believe me, look at this map).