"I Am Always Remembering..."

 

"Lover's moon is high on the sky...143"

Stephen Christopher Harris

He was on the road to Charlotte that late night and he'd promised me that soon we'd be happily together in love's tender embrace. I wonder now as I wondered then, how much of it was true...

"It's Not So Funny..."

Husband and I cast our ballots today and then hand-delivered them to the clerk's office...

Yes, it's that important!

"I Am Always Remembering..."

There are some songs that are like an anthem in your life, this one is mine...

Stranger

LTD

One night I loved a stranger

Like the beginning of a fantasy

Was it right to love a stranger?

There was nobody to care after me

Nobody, no, no, no, no

Nobody, no, no, no, no

Nobody, no, no, no, no

Was nobody to care after me

Another night I loved a stranger

Like in the middle of a fantasy

Was it right to love a stranger?

I had nobody to care after me

Nobody, no, no, no, no

Nobody, no, no, no, no

Nobody, no, no, no, no

Had nobody to care after me

Last night I loved a stranger

Hope it's the ending of my fantasy

Is it right to love a stranger?

When there's nobody to care after me

Nobody, no, no, no, no

Nobody

There's nobody to care after me

Tonight, there'll be no stranger

There will not be another fantasy

My baby called, she's on her way here

The only one who ever cared about me

Somebody, la, la, la, la

Somebody, somebody

The one somebody

The only one who ever cared about me

Oh, love is back, said it's no stranger

It's so much better than a fantasy

Since you left, I've been in danger

But now you're back just to take care of me

Said, love, love is back, and it's no stranger

Oh, it's so much better than a fantasy

Since you left, I've been in danger

But now you're back just to take care of me

 

Songwriters: Dave Bassett / Nina Woodford / Talay Riley

© Global Talent Publishing, Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Universal Music Publishing Group, Warner Chappell Music, Inc

The beloved one is the stranger I pray each night to be with in my fevered dreams.

"I am always remembering...

and my greatest fear is that I may not live long enough to forget."

"The Views From Home..."

This is always a sad time of year for me...

The garden is confirming the sure and certain approach of winter as chilly autumn nights bid her inhabitants to prepare for their long winter's sleep.

Husband is quite proud of his banana trees and he's excited about the prospect of them overwintering in the garage this year. I'm installing heating and cooling in the garage sometime in next week or so to help preserve my old Ford Fairlane. The heated garage will also allow me no excuses for not completing the winter projects I have planned for my beautiful old car.

This is the view from porch outside my second floor office. We changed out the blooming annuals several weeks ago and the new mums are still looking lovely.

The wreath on our front door in the first image was made from the blooms of these hydrangeas that flank the seating area in front of the garage.

Blazing orange, and pinks & purples are everywhere in the perennial garden.

And amazingly, cool crisp whites are on display too.

And not to be outdone, even surprising blues are having their last hurrahs.

Soon, Husband and I will begin planting the hundreds of fall bulbs whose bright and cheery blooms next spring will signal the end of winter and the beginning of Mother Nature's cycle all over again as we all take another trip around the sun.

"I Am Always Remembering..."

 

Today was an anniversary of sorts... It was exactly 20 years ago today, that I first declared my love to the beloved one. He and I had been pacing the edges of the dance floor we call love for a little more than two months, and I knew that we would either embrace one another and begin the dance of love, or depart from each other, never to look back again. 

I had pondered what to do about what I was feeling that entire Sunday, with much of it spent on my knees in prayer. As dusk arrived, the decision was set in my mind and more importantly in my heart that I would tell him the truth of my heart. Finally, I rose up bravely and with more courage than I had ever felt in my life. I steeled myself and I called the beloved one and asked if I could come see him. He said, "Yes." 

Once there with him, with trembling hands and throbbing temple, I revealed the truth and the precious desires of my heart to him. He listened quietly and intently. And as I spoke, the beloved one responded, speaking to me only with his eyes until, as I prepared to leave, we parted with a kiss and I told him for the first time, "I love you..."

Everything in my life changed that day... I've never been the same since. Over the course of the three years that followed, I learned well why earlier that day I had been warned but also encouraged by God. But one thing has remained the same, from that first time, to the every time of every day since, when I say to him, "I love you..." (even though he can't hear it), it's still as true as I was told it would be on that sunny autumn day while talking to God.

I am always remembering, and my greatest fear is that I may not live long enough to forget...

"I Am Always Remembering..."

In a couple of hours, the anniversary of one of the greatest moments of my life will come and go again while being fully remembered and relived in my mind and in my heart as if for the very first time...

It was October 11, 2006, I was 42 years old and I had just come out to my family over the course of the two months just before that day.  More importantly, having waited half my life to even dare dream of love, I already knew that I was more in love with the man I'd only just met than I had ever been before or since... I was "in love" far beyond anything I had ever imagined "love" could be or feel like.  My heart had never felt so free or so joyous in all the years I'd been alive.  And it was at that momentous time in my life that I first truly experienced the power of love and the magic of a kiss...

Although at the time I was a man in his forties, and even though I'd been married to a women for a short while in a bout of self-delusion that even now I find hard to reconcile, I had never experienced the joy of a romantic kiss - the passion of lips joined in exquisite ecstasy, but on that night, for the first time, I would.

I had fallen in love with Stephen Christopher Harris, and on that night, I was invited to visit with him in his rooms at the B. Siegal Mansion.  It was still early days in our romance, but even then, even before either of us had dared to use the word, "Love," I knew beyond any doubt that I loved him as I had never loved anyone else.  And I knew that it was "the love" that I had imagined in all my secret dreams that had both comforted and tormented me in the decades of my life spent in a closet of my own making where I had fearfully watched those dreams pass away like sands in the hourglass of my life...

Although we had spent some time together in public places, that night, we talked nervously about this and that, but mostly we lingered in each others auras... In that room that night, we were connected in a way that only the greatest poets and thinkers have ever come close to describing.  I remember it as a very surreal moment in my life, as we sat in his outer room with the television tuned to a rerun of an ancient "Charlie's Angels" episode.  I remember how we nervously tried to make small talk to avoid just sitting there gazing into each other's eyes while drinking in the heavy elixir of bondedness that was thick in the air that night.  I remember being afraid of such intense feelings for him and I tried to break the spell we were under by finally commenting on the set decoration in the program that was watching us rather than us watching it... I pointed out how the "casino" being depicted in the episode had walls made of the cheapest do-it-yourself paneling and how you could see them tremble as people walked by... I remember saying, "Who'd believe that's supposed to be Vegas, even in the 70's...?"

But then as Stephen sat next to me on the love seat directly in front of the television, he looked at me and asked me if I liked to kiss.  I answered honestly as I draped my arm across the back of the love seat and across his shoulders, saying, "No, I really don't like kissing very much..."  The truth be told, I had only kissed a very few people in my life up to that day in the way you're supposed to kiss a lover. But when I said that, the look on his face instantly became one of distressed dejection.  And that was the moment that for the first time his desires became my commands... 

 

I looked deeply into his eyes, as I turned his chin towards me, and I said, "But I'm willing to learn to like it..."  And with that, he leaned in to kiss me, but I didn't kiss him, and instead he seemed to understand the look in my eyes that said, "Not yet..."  It was then that he laid his head on my chest and wrapped his arms around my waist and we sat there silently listening to a 30 year old TV show as we carefully breathed in each other's scent and basked in the magic sensation of each other's warmth and embrace for the very first time.

When finally the program ended, it was 11:30 pm and I was afraid of what might happen if I stayed a moment longer. I knew beyond the shadow of any doubt that I was in love, but I was still unsure about him and I was still afraid of love and I also knew I could not well endure having my heart broken again so soon... And so I told him I had to go home. As we both stood up facing one another, I could see in his eyes that were soft and yet piercing at the same time that he wanted to kiss me, but he didn't. But then just as I pulled on my jacket, I stepped in close taking his hand as I thanked him for a lovely time of just sharing his company.  And as I was holding his hand, feeling his pulse and the warm blood running through his veins, it was then that all my fears melted away...

While still holding his hand, I leaned in as we both closed our eyes and I kissed him for the first time... it wasn't a deep passionate kiss, in fact it was little more than our lips gently pressed together for the briefest moment in time. But as we opened our eyes, it was clear that we both had felt the palpable current that had just blazed between us. And though I had been kissed before by others I thought I loved, I had never felt anything like what I felt for the first time that night.  

 

By the time we'd walked downstairs and I was out the door and walking to my car, my heart was racing, I felt feverish and short of breath and though it was a frosty autumn night, beneath my shirt, I could feel beads of sweat running down the center of my chest... it unnerved me - having never experienced such an absolutely exquisite sensation as what had just happened and that had left my body still tingling. I waved to him as I drove away, and when I was a few blocks down the street, I stopped the car and just sat there at the curb on the dimly lit street, still lingering in the feeling that still had yet to subside.

As I finally regained my composure, I tried to clear my head as I drove on, but all I could think of was this man I knew I loved and that I had just kissed for the first time.  And it was then that I realized why people kissed although I had never understood it or imagined it before. I had experienced my first real kiss on October 11th, 2006.

Later that night, as I lay restlessly awake in my bed, I could still feel that peculiar and intoxicating sensation still electrifying every nerve in my body. I laid there thinking of him for hours, until finally I saw the first light of day peaking over the roof tops outside my bedroom windows. It would be just a few days later that I would declare my love to him for the first time. And in the course of the painfully joyful and tragically wonderful romance that followed, each of the thousand or so kisses that we shared brought back to life every sensation that marked this very first kiss... Yes, even the very last kiss on that fateful morning years later, felt like the first... And for each of those brief moments in time, when we kissed, we were one and we were whole, and I knew what love was.

I am always remembering...

"Fear Eats the Soul"

"Fear Eats the Soul..."

Coming out is a very serious and important event in the lives of LGBTQIA+ people. The idea of a 'day' to do just that has always appealed to me.  I've been out to my family and friends for about 20 years now. And since that time, to one degree or another, I've also been out in various roles and jobs I've had in my career as well and I can tell you that it is one of the most liberating and empowering things that I've ever done.  Although there were difficulties along the way, and biases and bigotry to overcome, having made the journey (which never really ends), I can say unequivocally that for me, it was the right thing to do.

You can read about my coming out here:

Coming Out... In The Beginning
Coming Out... The School Days
Coming Out... The Brothers
Coming Out... Dear Sister
Coming Out... The Missionaries
Coming Out... There's Something I Want To Tell You, Son

"Fear Eats the Soul"

"I Am Always Remembering..."

This little birthday gift is just a small token of my esteem for you. This coin is as old I am and I’ve had it for about 30 years. I give it to you that it might be a keepsake and that,

“When this you see, you might remember me…”

Happy Birthday!

Twenty years ago today... I am always remembering

"I Am Always Remembering..."

As you know, I am always remembering and looking back on things. . . The older I get, the more I find myself reminiscing and longing for the past.

This was one of my favorite images of 2016 from an American Express ad campaign in June of that year celebrating the first anniversary of the marriage equality ruling by the US Supreme Court.

The tagline of the ad was:

Member since 1996

Married since 2015

"I Am Always Remembering..."

This Was The Place - Street-level View - Detroit's Iconic Fisher Building

Twenty years ago today, September 27th 2006 it was early Autumn and I was going on a dinner date to meet Stephen Christopher Harris for the first time. Since we'd become online friends in August of that year, we had talked by phone for the first time the week before when he was preparing to return to Detroit from a work assignment in South Carolina. We'd talked a couple of times after that and had exchanged a number of text messages by the time we agreed we'd meet one another for dinner that night.

We made the date earlier that week and I had been so nervously excited about meeting the man that I already I knew I was falling in love with that I couldn't concentrate on anything. When I got out of bed that Wednesday morning and went for my daily run, everything seemed beautiful and right with the world. As I ran down the street, I thought of what I'd talk about with him that evening. By the time I'd run my four miles and finally arrived back home, I had silently said many prayers about my hopes for our meeting that evening. And as I got ready for work, I decided I wanted to take him something that evening. I thought of  flowers at first, but then remembered he mentioned liking sweets, so I settled on candy instead.

I left work early that day so that I could stop to buy a box of candy for Stephen. But as I looked at the boxed chocolates, the boxes all seemed too "girly" in their decoration and I worried that he'd get the wrong idea of how I thought of him if I gave him something like that. And I didn't want him to think me too effeminate either. Instead, I bought a dozen assorted candy bars deciding I would wrap them as a present in some way when I got home.

At home, I searched through my big box of gift wrapping supplies in the attic until I found a lovely gold foil covered box with a matching ribbon and bow. It had actually been a candy box from Christmas the year before, but it didn't have any markings on it at all.  I lined it with tissue paper and arranged the candy bars inside and closed it and stretched the ribbon and bow from corner to corner. I thought it looked great and I thought to myself, this looks "manly" enough. Then I turned my attention to getting myself ready for my anxiously anticipated date.

I was so tense and nervous that I hadn't realized how long I'd been in the shower until the water finally began to run cool. As I rinsed myself under the cool water, finally I felt some of the intense stress begin to subside. As I dried myself and as I wiped away the fog on the mirror, I paused to look at myself and I thought, "You haven't done much with this body have you...?" And I wondered if he'd really find me attractive or even handsome in any way... But still, I hoped he would.

In Stephen's comments on my blog and in our brief conversations, he'd alluded to his thinking of me as being handsome, although I never thought as much about myself. I remembered I had wondered all that day if he would look like his profile photo... although you couldn't see his face, you could see he was well-built, muscular and handsome. A friend who'd seen his Yahoo 360 photo suggested that it probably wasn't him. And to be honest, I though as much as well, but I had decided that I really didn't care one way or the other... so long as he was as "nice" as he had seemed to be in his comments and in the few conversations that we'd had up until then. As I daydreamed in the mirror, I caught sight of the time and I quickly shaved and preened and groomed like had I never done before as my thoughts turned back to wondering what it was that he saw in me... Although I had more than a few pictures of myself posted on my blog and I was sure that he had a good idea of what I looked like, I hoped it was what I revealed about my heart that interested him most.

When I emerged from my bath, I rethought and agonized over what I should wear so much so that I was nearly in a panic as I changed shirts and pants repeatedly, never satisfied with how I looked. In the end, I put back on the first outfit I'd tried. It was the same one that I'd picked out the night before, black twill pants, a tan faux silk shirt, a black sweater vest and black dress shoes. Finally, surrounded by half my wardrobe on the floor around me, I stood in the mirror gazing at myself again from all angles as I practiced sucking in my gut, sticking my chest out and leveling my shoulders. Finally I thought, "Okay, you're ready... but remember, first impressions are lasting ones..." As I put on my best watch and the one other piece of jewelry I owned, my class ring from college, I grabbed the box of candy bars from the dresser and I headed downstairs.

I grabbed my best jacket from the closet and I stepped into the dining room and picked up my Mother's photo from the top of the server. As I looked down at my Mom's picture, I asked her to wish me luck. And as I replaced the photo and was about to leave, I thought to pray. I got down on my knees and I asked that God might watch over me as I went out seeking what I already knew I was hoping would be true love. I prayed that we both might have discernment about one another and that we might both know if we could find in each other the precious desires of our hearts. Although I had been nervous up to then, when I ended my prayer and stood up again, I felt warm, calm and genuinely happy. I walked to my front door, took a deep breath and stepped across my threshold knowing there would be no turning back.

As I drove the five or six miles to the restaurant, I practiced the greeting I'd settled on... "Hi Stephen, it's great to finally meet you!" Over and over again... "Hi Stephen..." Until finally it felt comfortable and natural. By this time I had arrived at my destination, I was on West Grand Boulevard in front of the Fisher building. As I circled the building looking for a space to park, I found one right across from the restaurant entrance. When I checked my watch, I realized that I was way early... it was only a couple of minutes past 7 pm. We'd arrange to meet at the bar of the Grand City Grille at 7:30, so I sat in my car and wondered with each car that passed, "Is that him...?" Then finally, at a quarter after 7, I got out, walked across the street and into the building. When I got into the restaurant, I told the hostess that I wanted to wait at the bar for my dinner companion. It was a Wednesday night, and the restaurant wasn't very busy at all. The hostess pointed me in the direction of the bar and I took up a seat off to the side.

I had scanned the bar area before I sat down and none of the other patrons looked even remotely like they could be Stephen and so I realized that I had arrived first. I thought, "Well, if I'm going to sit here, I should order a drink." I didn't drink at the time and I hadn't had an alcoholic drink since 1995, so when the bartender asked what I was having, I wasn't sure what to ask for. I quickly settled on a Pepsi and as soon as I said it and saw the bartender begin to fill the glass, I regretted it. I thought, "What will he think if he sees me sitting here with a Pepsi?" So I quickly gulped it down. Sitting there with my empty glass, time seemed to have slowed down and I found myself in deep contemplation about whether to eat the maraschino cherry that sat on top of the ice. But as I was thinking about the cherry, I felt a hand on my shoulder and as I turned on the bar stool, I instantly recognized him, Stephen was standing there before me.

It seems strange to me now, but my very first thought upon seeing him was that he was not as tall as I had imagined him... Although we'd never discussed our height or any aspects of our appearances, I was genuinely surprised that I was good bit taller than him. I remember he was casually dressed, yet there was a distinctive "crispness" about his appearance. He was wearing blue jeans and a fitted white dress shirt that highlighted his broad shoulders and trim waist. He was well groomed from head to toe and I could smell his cologne and it was as intoxicating as his appearance. I thought happily, the photo in his profile was indeed of him. He was quite handsome and I felt myself begin to blush as my blood ran warm in my veins and what must have been a very happy smile appeared on my lips.

"Christopher...?" he said to me as I stumbled to get out my well practiced greeting... Instead, I said, "Yes... Stephen...?" And then we were both smiling broadly as he extended his arm and I shook his hand. He began to apologize that he was a little late, but I looked at my watch and said, "No, you're right on time, it's exactly 7:30." Then, although he hadn't taken a seat, the bartender came over and asked what he'd like, and Stephen said, "Nothing thanks." Then he asked me, "Are you ready to eat?" I said, yes and he turned and signaled to the hostess who came over and seated us in a corner booth with a round table. At first we were both kind of clinging to the opposite open ends of the booth such that the full width of the table was between us, but then he slid further around towards the middle and invited me to do the same by motioning for me to move over onto the seat next to him. I moved closer and we started to talk...

When the waiter came with the menus, we had both become so comfortable and engrossed with each other, that we didn't even notice him until, he placed the menus in front of us. As the waiter told us of the specials, I think he realized that we were on a date, his own smile gave it away. As he asked about drinks, Stephen asked what I'd like, I said a Pepsi and he ordered ice water with lemon for himself. When the waiter left to get our drinks, Stephen said he likes to drink a lot of water and always has lemon. That became my first mental note about his likes and dislikes, and as we talked, in the back of my mind, I carefully recorded it as an important fact. As we perused the menu, he asked what I'd like, telling me, "Have whatever you want, this is my treat!" And we talked about what was on offer, he settled on a New York Strip Steak and I chose Roasted Garlic Chicken with Fettuccine.

When the waiter returned, he still had that "knowing" smile on his face and it didn't bother me at all. I was in the midst of my coming out to my family and friends and it felt good to be out and about in the world, just being myself and being unafraid. As he sat the drinks on the table, he asked, "Are we ready to order gentlemen?" and Stephen immediately said, "Yes, we are... I"ll have the New York Strip medium well with the loaded potato and can I get asparagus with that?" The waiter said, "Yes, you can, and for you Sir?" and before I could speak, Stephen said, "He'd like the Roasted Garlic Chicken with Fettuccine." No one had ever ordered for me that way, but when he did, it confirmed in my mind (and for our waiter) that yes, we were a couple out on a dinner date. And in that moment, I felt more human and truly alive than I had at anytime ever before in my life. It was a moment I've never forgotten... a moment of true happiness and joy recorded in the annals of my mind to be remembered forever.

Later that evening, after enjoying our meals and an incredible conversation, as the waiter brought the check, I asked if he could package the rest of my entree as it had been a really large portion. He said, "Of course, Sir" as he took my plate away while Stephen looked over the check and placed a credit card in the folio. The waiter brought back a small bag with handles which inside held a black foam dish with the rest of my fettuccine. Stephen and I talked and laughed and enjoyed each other's company for a good while longer before we finally decided it was time to go. As we left the restaurant, I asked where he'd parked, and he said, "Just around the corner..." I offered to drive him to his car since I was parked right across the street. He agreed and got in, and I drove him around the building to where he'd parked his car.

We sat there in my car talking for a few minutes more, neither of us wanting to part from the other. In that first evening together, it was as if we'd been old friends reunited after some long separation. But reluctantly, I finally decided it was time to go as I told him how much I'd enjoyed our time together and how I hoped we'd do it again soon. He promised we would as he gently brushed the back of my hand which was resting on the seat between us. "I'll call you," he said as he opened the door and then reached back in for the golden candy box on the dashboard. I'd given him my gift before I pulled away from my parking space across from the restaurant, and the warm smile on his face when I placed it in his hands brought joy to my heart. He said thank you again as he closed the door, and I watched him get into his own car and drive away. I didn't fully realize it then, but as he left that night, along with the golden box, he took with him a piece of my heart that I never got back. But I was happier than I could remember ever being before as I drove myself home while replaying in my mind's eye all the moments of what I still remember to be one of the most wonderful nights of my life.

When I got home, I took the foam dish with the remnants of my meal from the bag and put it into the refrigerator. The next day at work, I enjoyed the fettuccine for lunch, but as I went to throw-away the foam dish, I stopped myself. Instead I carefully washed it and brought it back home that evening and I put it away at the top of the cupboard where it remains to this day. Even then, I realized it would become a precious memento of the day of our meeting. I'll looked at it again tonight, as I have every year now for twenty years, and I'll remember the joy I felt as I went to bed thinking of him late that autumn night... It was Wednesday, September 27th 2006 and nothing was ever the same afterwards.


I am always remembering...

And my greatest fear is that I may not live long enough to forget.

"Fear Eats the Soul"

"The Truth About Love In Music..."

I remember being just 8 years old and hearing this song for the first time on the radio and realizing that it was about how you feel when you're in love. It would be another 34 years before I would find myself in love feeling that way.

"The Truth Today..."

"I Am Always Remembering..."

Today I'm remembering the last time I heard his voice . . . I was hurting and angry, and I almost didn't take his call. But when I did answer, just the sound of his voice melted my heart as it always had, and for just a moment the anger, pain and heartache was gone. 

I'll never forget the last things he said to me, 

"I'm going to make you proud of me."

I've often wondered, should I be?

Seventeen years have now passed,

and I still wonder about it.

"I am always remembering...

and my greatest fear is that I might not live long enough to forget." 

 

"Fear Eats the Soul"

"I Am Always Remembering..."

 
Early this morning, I looked out at the Lover's Moon for the 247th time since every full moon became that for me. For yet again my celestial reminder of the halcyon days when his every word seemed to fulfill a lifetime of hopes and dreams had returned to the night sky. 

 

And as I always do, this morning, once more I bid the Moon, 

 

"Take him my love and remind him of it this night and day."

"Lover's moon is high on the sky...143"

Stephen Christopher Harris

Thoughts to ponder in the light of a Lover's Moon:

"The Waste of a Lover's Moon" 

"The Moon"

"A Lover's Moon"

"Talking to the Moon"

"Lover's Moon"

"Bad Moon Rising"

"So We'll Go No More A Roving"

"Late In The Night of the Lover's Moon"

"The Sorrow of Love"

"I Carry Your Heart With Me"

"The Bonnie Banks O' Loch Lomand"

"Out of the Cradle Endlessly Rocking"

"A Prayer For Spanish Harlem"

"Men Who Have Seen The Rising Moon"

"The Name of My Secret"

"I am always remembering...

And my greatest fear is that I may not live long enough to forget."

"This Made Me Smile..."

My dad, too...

He had a fit when I was assigned to home economics instead of shop in middle school!

As it turned out, I'm the best cook in my family

and I can also fix just about anything

"Just The Truth Today..."

He's earned my respect, my contribution, and my vote...

Meet the next United States Senator from Michigan

Dr. Abdul El-Sayed, M.D.

"This Made Me Smile..."

AI Generated

I think this meme appealed to me when I saw it because I've got a doctor's appointment in a couple of weeks... 

 

Interestingly, I've never been undressed in front of my doctors since I started getting regular check ups a few years back. I think I have an anti-fetish, I don't like underwear... I do wear undershirts, but for the last 15 years or so I've preferred to go commando when it comes to bottoms. About the only time I wear undershorts is when I go to the doctor, for just in case. In fact, thinking about it, the last time I had to disrobe for a doctor was back in the Navy more than 30 years ago. 

 

Surprisingly, for a man in his 60's I've never had a digital prostate exam, although I did start annual PSA screenings a few years ago. I doubt that my doctors will ever suggest one since I am out to them. I think it might feel weirder than it usually does for them and me in my case.

"I Am Always Remembering..."

It was 6:55 PM, September 20th 2006. It was a Wednesday evening late in that summer. It's now been exactly twenty years ago. I recall that I was driving along Gratiot Avenue here in Detroit. I was on my way to see a friend when my phone rang. On the line was an internet acquaintance, "Chris Stone," the man I would later know to be Stephen Christopher Harris. What I didn't know before I answered was that he would from that day onward be the man who would more profoundly affect and alter my life than anyone else before or since.

This was the first time we'd talked by phone. We spoke only briefly, he told me about the project he was working on at a bank somewhere in South Carolina. He told me he was calling me from a restaurant where he was eating his dinner alone. And although he never said it during the call, I could hear in his voice a plaintiff tone that he would use many times in the course of our love affair that quickly followed... it seemed to be saying, "I don't want to be alone in the world anymore." And even at that time, his as yet unspoken sentiment was as familiar to me as was my own face in the mirror each morning. I recall that in his strong but gentle voice, I heard the pleadings of my own heart's most precious desires...

That very first call only lasted a couple of minutes... we'd exchanged awkward pleasantries and a few of the mundane details of our day as well, but I think he and I both sensed that there was something much more significant happening than either of us had expected. He went on to reminded me that he was returning to Detroit that Friday and he said he hoped we could talk again and perhaps meet one another in person while he was home. I told him that I'd like that and that I'd look forward to hearing from him. And with that, we said our first goodbye.

As I drove on to my friend's home, I remember already feeling strangely somehow connected to this man I had never laid eyes upon (except in the profile photo above which really didn't show his face), and to this man whose voice I'd only just heard for the first time... Yet somehow, I knew it was more than mere chance, it was not just some fluke of fate, but something more, something beyond the temporal... I knew it would somehow change my life. Later that night, as I said my prayers on bended knee, realizing this, I gave thanks for what I knew was to become the beginning of my own hope not to be "alone in the world anymore..."

And now, twenty years later, nothing has ever been the same as it was before that Wednesday at 6:55 PM. And although "life" has marched on relentlessly, that moment in time, like so many others that followed with him is frozen in my mind and in my heart and I have re-lived them all throughout every day of my life since... these memories are like a strange, but welcomed haunting of my very soul... they reside in precious and painful corners of my heart. And I know that even on my last day of this life, as I take my last earthly breath, I'm sure this will be remembered.

"I am always remembering...

And my greatest fear is that I may not live long enough to forget."