"I Am Always Remembering..."

It was a day just like today, a chilly but sunny autumn day, a day to marvel at the beauty of the season. I'd said my prayers well before dawn that morning and then I'd been out running in the cold, damp darkness before the sun came up. And though I'd dared not to mention the beloved one to God as I knelt in prayer that chilly and dark morning, every time my foot fell onto the pavement as I ran through the darkness hearing my own blood rush through my veins, in my heart I heard myself declaring to the Lord my love for Stephen.

It was earlier that same week, when I kissed him for the very first time that I knew that something had profoundly changed in my life... Although I could feel my heart beating in my chest as I ran, I knew it no longer belonged to me. I had so effortlessly given it away and it was no longer my own.  And so later that morning as I walked through the house distracting myself with tasks long deferred, while trying to ignore the pull of heartstrings I never knew were there, I found myself back on my knees on the carpet, this time reupholstering the dining room chairs in the same spot where I would pray most everyday. 

While on my knees surrounded by the fabric scraps, staples and brass tacks, I paused to look out the window just as a beam of sunlight broke through the clouds and landed on the carpet beside me. Without knowing why, I moved into that light and found myself again bowing my head in prayer. And then finally, I asked the questions of God that I had been afraid to ask in the 40 years that had led me to that fateful day... I had just three questions: "Am I as you intended me to be?" "Is this love?" "Will you anoint my love for him?" As I knelt in fearful silence awaiting His answers, I soon felt His presence about me. And in an indescribable soft whisper I was given my answers and an unexpected warning about the beloved one's fearful heart.

When finally, I opened my eyes, I realized from the diminishing daylight that hours had passed with me there on the floor in contrite prayer. And for the first time in my life, I felt that everything was clear about what I should do next. Although, I hadn't been ignoring Stephen since experiencing the unbridled passions of that first kiss just a few nights before, I had been avoiding him and declining his invitations to meet over those few days that had since passed.

When I rose from the floor, I sat in a chair by the window and I sent him a text message asking if we could talk. It went unanswered for hours as I sat there waiting.  Then late that evening he finally called... And even as my hand trembled reaching to pick up the phone, knowing it would be him, I knew what I had to say couldn't be said over the phone. I asked if I could come to see him, and he said, "Yes." I remember deciding to wear the same outfit I'd worn to our first date. And as I prepared to leave, I picked up and kissed my Mother's photo, asking her to wish me well in heaven. Then once more, I knelt in prayer again, asking for strength to endure what I believed would be the hardest thing I would ever do. As I closed my front door behind me, I knew nothing would ever be the same on my return.

When I arrived, the beloved one let me in, and without a word being said between us, he led me up the beautiful staircase to his rooms in the palatial mansion he called home. He invited me to sit with him in front of the fireplace... but I told him I would stand as I had something important to tell him. He sat down and I stood before him trembling with fear and I began... "I love you and you have my heart. I don't know what to do next, or what will happen, but I love you and that is all I know." I stood there nearly in tears until he stood up and he took my hand and said, "I love you, too."  With nothing else being said, we stood there in silence until I reached out to take both his hands in mine and he leaned in as I looked fearfully into his eyes and I kissed him gently upon lips that had become instantly precious to me... 

As he pressed his lips against mine with increasing passion, I stepped back and said, "Not yet... I'm going home now." and with one hand, I led him to the door and down the stairs to give me my leave. When I arrived home, as I closed the door behind me, I knew that from that moment until forever more, my life would never be the same. Just before midnight, as I lay restlessly awake thinking of every dream of life that then so suddenly seemed possible, he called and he said to me, "Goodnight Christopher, sleep well and have pleasant dreams. I love you." And that was enough to bring the calm needed for sleep. Just moments later, as I began to drift into the land of dreams that night, across my lips, for the very first time, I whispered, "Goodnight Dearest, I love you!"

I am always remembering...

And, my greatest fear is that I may not live long enough to forget.

"I Am Always Remembering..."

Today is an anniversary of sorts... It was about this time that morning, 16 years ago today, that I had a long talk with God.  I remember being on my knees in prayer for hours seeking to know what to do, seeking to know whether I should follow my heart or try to escape the inescapable grasp of true love's potent grip. I recall telling God that I had known fear in my life, in-fact for most of my life up to then, but that I had never feared anything more than the answer I thought He might reveal to me that sunny autumn morning. Nevertheless, I prayed with earnest contrition, sharing every secret that He already knew and finally asking to know what might lie ahead.

The beloved one and I had been pacing the edges of the dance floor we call love for a little more than two months, and I knew that we would either embrace one another and begin the dance of love, or depart from each other, never to look back again. I shared what God already knew, that I was truly "in love" and I wanted to know if He would take away love's blindness for just a moment to let me see the beloved one's true heart. As many hours passed and my legs cramped and my knees ached and as I saw the light in the room change as the sun traversed the sky, finally He gave an answer. Shocked by what I heard and saw so clearly, I rose from the floor and took a seat near the window and pondered if I was brave to act on the truth revealed to me that day.

As dusk arrived, the decision was set in my mind and more importantly in my heart. Although my answer from God had included a warning, it also laid out a path for me to follow... bravely and with more courage than I had ever felt in my life, I rose up, and as I did, looking about the room, it was as if I could see everything that was revealed to me like slides projected on the walls. I steeled myself and I called the beloved one and asked if I could come see him. He said, "Yes." Once there with him, with trembling hands and throbbing temple, I revealed the truth and the precious desires of my heart to him. He listened intently, as I was told he would. As I spoke, the beloved one responded, speaking to me only with his eyes until, as I prepared to leave, we parted with a kiss and I told him for the first time, "I love you..."

Everything in my life changed that day... I've never been the same since. Over the course of the three years that followed, I learned well why I had been warned but also encouraged by God. But one thing has remained the same, from that first time, to the every time of every day since, when I say to him, "I love you..." (even though he can't hear it), it's still as true as I was told it would be on that sunny autumn day while talking to God.

I am always remembering, and my greatest fear is that I may not live long enough to forget...

"It's Not So Funny..."

"The Artist's Corner..."

"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me; because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound" -Isaiah 61:1 KJV

Here the Passion of the Christ is re-imagined in the art of Douglas Blanchard. He depicts Christ as a contemporary young gay man, and in so doing, asks the question:

"What If Jesus Were Gay?"

“And when he entered Jerusalem, all the city was stirred, saying, ‘Who is this?’ And the crowds said, ‘This is the prophet Jesus.’” -Matthew 21:10-11 (RSV)

"And the Jews' passover was at hand, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. And found in the temple those that sold oxen and sheep and doves, and the changers of money sitting: And when he had made a scourge of small cords, he drove them all out of the temple, and the sheep, and the oxen; and poured out the changers' money, and overthrew the tables; And said unto them that sold doves, Take these things hence; make not my Father's house an house of merchandise." - John 2:13-16 KJV

"The chief priests and the teachers of the law heard this and began looking for a way to kill him, for they feared him, because the whole crowd was amazed at his teaching." - Mark 11:18 NIV

"The evening meal was in progress, and the devil had already prompted Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, to betray Jesus." - John 13:2 NIV

“My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,” he said to them. “Stay here and keep watch.” - Mark 14:34

“Have you come out as against a robber, with swords and clubs to capture me?” - Matthew 26:55 RSV

And when he had thus spoken, one of the officers which stood by struck Jesus with the palm of his hand, saying, Answerest thou the high priest so? - John 18:22 KJV

“But he gave him no answer, not even to a single charge; so that the governor wondered greatly.” - Matthew 27:14 RSV

“Behold the man!” - John 19:5 RSV

“Soldiers treated him with contempt and mocked him.” - Luke 23:11 RSV

“Then Pilate took Jesus and scourged him.” - John 19:1 RSV

"...And he went out, bearing his own cross, to the place called The Place of a Skull, which in Aramaic is called Golgotha." - John 19:17 ESV

“There they crucified him.” - Luke 23:33 RSV

“While the sun’s light failed… he breathed his last.” - Luke 23:44-46

“They took the body of Jesus, and bound it in linen cloths with the spices, as is the burial custom.”
- John 19:40 RSV

“Even the darkness is not dark to you.” - Psalm 139:12 (Inclusive Language Lectionary)

“I am the resurrection and the life.” - John 11:25 RSV

“Saying this, she turned round and saw Jesus standing, but she did not know that it was Jesus…. Jesus said to her, “Do not hold me, for I have not yet ascended.” - John 20:14, 17 RSV

“When he was at table with them, he took the bread and blessed, and broke it, and gave it to them. And their eyes were opened and they recognized him.” - Luke 24:30-31 RSV

“And he said to them, ‘Why are you troubled, and why do questionings rise in your hearts? See my hands and my feet, that it is I myself; handle me, and see.’" - Luke 24:38-39 RSV

“As they were looking on, he was lifted up, and a cloud took him out of their sight.” - Acts 1:9 RSV

“There appeared to them tongues as of fire, distributed and resting on each one of them. And they were all filled with the Holy Spirit.” - Acts 2:3-4 RSV

“The grace of the Sovereign Jesus Christ and the love of God and the communion of the Holy Spirit be with you all.” - 2 Corinthians 13:14 Inclusive Language Lectionary

All paintings in the series are oil on panel:

"Gay Passion of Christ" by Douglas Blanchard

H/T: Jesus In Love Blog

"It's Not So Funny..."

Of course that gleaming edifice built to glorify God the pastor's ego is an essential community service business...

Thou Shalt Stay the Hell Home!

"In Memoriam..."

Bill Withers

Famed recording artist and three-time Grammy Award winner who sang ‘Lean on Me’ and ‘Ain’t No Sunshine,’ died this week at age 81. - The New York Times

On many a day in my life, including the long and anxious days of the past few weeks, this song was what brought me through trial and tribulation reminding me that this is not only God's promise, but our promise to one another as we make our journey of life.

Thank you, Bill!

"Fear Eats the Soul"

"A Sunday Thought To Ponder..."

Just one of the reasons I no longer believe in organized religion...

"A Thought To Ponder..."

"A Song For Me..."

My life began again October 15, 2006

"Just Like A Woman"

Written by Bob Dylan, 1966

She takes just like a woman, yes, she does

And she makes love just like a woman

And she aches just like a woman

But she breaks like a little girl

Nobody feels any pain

Tonight as I stand inside the rain

Everybody knows baby's got new clothes

Lately I see her ribbons and her bows

And the problems from her curls

She takes just like a woman, yes, she does

And she makes love just like a woman

And she aches just like a woman

And she breaks like a little girl

It raining from the first

Everybody knows I was dying of thirst

So I came in here, long-times curse

And whats worse is this pain in here

I can't stay in here, ain't it clear, ain't it clear

I must be clear

I believe it's time for us to quit

When we meet again and introduced as friends

Please don't let on that you knew me when

I was hungry and it was your world

I take just like a woman, yes, I do

And I make love just like a woman

And I ache just like a woman

But I break just like a little girl

******

I am always remembering...

"Fear Eats the Soul"

"Remembering A Love Song..."

Originally posted: October 15th 2010

This is a very beautiful song and video about "love." And although, it's very "hetero-normative," it speaks to the thoughts and the feeling of same gender loving people too. In fact, in an almost disturbing way, it reveals some of the deep-seated thoughts and anguish that I think "we" often feel as some of us believe "our lives" can't be like this.

I myself have thought that if there were a "real ability" to choose not to be as God has made me, I don't know what I'd do... I look at couples in just the same longing way that Gary Barlow does in this video, I always have. And for a very long time in my life, I prayed that somehow God would make me not "one of the others" so that I too could know what I dreamt it must feel like to be with one's "forever love."

Mistakenly, I concluded from God's silence in the face of those thousands and thousands of prayers that went on for decades of my life that it was in my hands to try to achieve that impossible dream. Like many others before me and since, I married a woman I did not love, a woman my heart could not love. And even as I lied to her, saying I was in love, I knew that God had made my heart for a man like myself. And in that bout of self-delusion I discovered that all I had done was to inflict upon myself a terrible punishment. And it was a punishment that hurt her as well and one that left me cold and empty and alone for many years thereafter.

But it was on this day, exactly four year ago today that I sought my answer from God about the true nature of my heart and about true love and about what life could be for me and the man I had truly fallen in love with.

I prayed upon my knees that day from sunrise to sunset. And as I felt the sun moving from one window to the next as the day passed by, God spoke to my heart quite clearly. I had finally asked of Him the right questions and He answered me and I could hear Him. God revealed that He had made no mistake in me... My heart was exactly as He intended. He shared with me that He had ordained love for all His sons and daughters and He approved of all love including mine. And then finally, He gave me a warning about the fear and evil in the world that tries to destroy love. And He explained to me the dangers of loving a heart that feared, and I understood.

Late that night, I bravely declared my love to the one who had fearfully stolen my heart and my world has never been the same...

"Fear Eats the Soul"

Epilogue: It's been exactly 10 years today since that day that I knelt in prayer to ask my question... Many changes have come into my life. I am married to a man I love in a different way. I am a father again to two lovely children, and I have a generally pleasant tide of life.  But one thing has remained the same through all these days and years... my love for him has endured unchanged and not a single day since that most momentous day in the autumn of 2006 has passed without my remembering him.

"The Truth Is Ironic..."

Flood Destroys Home Of Hate Preacher Who Claims God Sends Disasters To Punish Gay People

But why did God decide to destroy his home?

GayStarNews
18 August 2016
Joe Morgan

Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council, has long claimed God sends natural disasters to punish people for the ‘sin’ of homosexuality.

It turns out his home was one of the 40,000 destroyed by the southern Louisiana floods this week, which killed 11 people.

The hate preacher, who’s organization is designated a anti-LGBTI hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center, was forced to escape his destroyed home by canoe.

Perkins called into his own radio show to describe how the disaster was of ‘biblical proportions’ and will force his family to live in a camper for the six months it will take to rebuild his home.

But was this flood to punish the sinners?

No, according to Perkins God sent this deadly flood as an ‘incredible, encouraging spiritual exercise to take you to the next level in your walk with an almighty and gracious God who does all things well’.

He also urged Christians to rejoice as God considers them ‘worthy of suffering for his sake’.

Via Right Wing Watch, Perkins has…

• Said that “the human race would be extinct” if homosexuality were to become “normal.”
• Defended Uganda’s “kill-the-gays” bill as a “laudable” effort “to uphold moral conduct.”
• Claimed gay youth have a higher suicide rate because they intrinsically know their sexual orientation is “abnormal.”
• Asserted that there is “a correlation between homosexuality and pedophilia” and that pedophilia “is a homosexual problem.”
• Repeatedly predicted that a Supreme Court ruling in favor of gay marriage would lead to a “revolution” and “the dissolution of our republic.”
• Likened homosexuality to alcoholism and drug addiction.
• Said lawmakers who backed the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell have “the blood of innocent soldiers on their hands.”
• Called on troops to fight the gay “agenda” as an enemy within.
• Described LGBT rights activists as pawns of the Devil: “The Enemy is simply using them as pawns, they are held captive by the Enemy.”
• Insisted that LGBT rights advocates inspire ISIS terrorists and act like terrorists themselves.

*******

I take no glee in this hatemonger's home being destroyed, but I must admit the irony is delicious... Nevertheless, the same ignorant sheeple who bought him the house in the first place will contribute to restore it and make it even better than before... such is the state of ignorance in America.

"Fear Eats the Soul"

"A Sunday Thought To Ponder..."

If You’re LGBTQ, Here’s What One Pastor Really Hopes You Know

johnpavlovitz.com
John Pavlovitz
July 22, 2016

John Pavlovitz

Yesterday I had coffee with a wonderful new friend who identifies as Transgender. She and I were talking about the incredible damage done to so many people in the LGBTQ community at the hands and words of those in the Church, and what a barrier it’s been in their and her spiritual journey. It was a fresh reminder of how much pain Christians have generated.

A little over and hour later I was online engaging a professed Christian man who was incensed at my support of LGBTQ folks. After realizing that all his threats of Hell, his dire warnings of my impending meeting with Satan, and his admonishing me as “wolf in sheep’s clothing”, “false prophet”, and “apostate” did little to dissuade me, he leaned back on the angry white Christian guy’s go-to Hail Mary closer: he outed me.

“You support gays so much. You may was well just admit it and tell your wife that you are gay!”

(Yes, because that’s totally how that works.)

As I considered how to respond to such a loving, compassionate, and intellectually brilliant tactic, I realized two things:

One, as a fully-affriming LGBTQ ally, the accusation of being gay isn’t at all an insult to me—something which didn’t seem to cross his mind.
And two, he was using other people’s very identity to try and shame me.

The first realization amused me. The latter one really ticked me off. I thought of my new friend. I thought of so many people I know and love. I thought of people I love but will never meet and who might be following that thread, those for whom such wounds are a daily occurrence. I felt burdened to speak to them.

We often withhold saying simple words of encouragement because we take for granted that people hear them enough or that they don’t need them, but this of course is rarely true. Sometimes we just need to say everything.

If you’re reading this and you identify as LGBTIQ here’s what I really hope you know:

You are not an abomination to God. 
Anyone with even a cursory understanding of the Bible knows that this is a completely irresponsible use of Scripture, and that using such a loaded word for another human being simply because of their gender identity or sexual orientation or because of the person they love is a reckless bastardization of the Bible and distortion of the heart of God.

Refuse to wear this label. It doesn’t belong to you. You are far too great for it.

You are not a mistake.
The same God we credit for the stars and the sea and the butterfly’s wings created you. This means you are made of the same stuff God is and with the very same care. Never allow someone to make you feel as though you are at all an error in need of correcting, that you are somehow less-than. You are intentional and perfect.

Even if it has taken you some time to figure out who you are, God has always known.

You are not broken.
Your gender identity and sexual orientation are not flaws or moral defects. They are not signs that you are damaged and to be repaired. Your intelligence and character, your humor and capacity to love, your gifts and passions, your goodness and humanity all comprise the sum total of who you are and it is a thing of beauty.

You don’t need fixing.

Know these things, friend, and know too:

You are fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God.
You are originally beautiful in ways that are entirely specific to you.
You are beloved as you are without alteration or achievement.
You are a walking freakin’ miracle.
And you are the Church, if you choose to be. You don’t need anyone’s consent or permission for proximity to Jesus. He is as close as this breath you take.

I’m sorry that you may not have heard these things enough by those claiming Christ, especially from those closest to you. That is their sin, not yours. It says more about them than it ever could about you. Yes, you have missed out by being disconnected from spiritual community, but that community has dearly missed your presence too. And understand that just because people have hurt you in the name of God, doesn’t mean they speak for God. The damage they have done was done to you without God’s approval. It is not of God.

And this is all true, not just because some white cisgender pastor says so—but because these things simply are. This is already your identity without me saying so of course, but if it encourages you at all to hear these words from a pastor and a father; if they make you feel seen or valued or supported and they give you a bit of hope today, then please hear me.

Let the words seep deep into the marrow of your spirit and live lighter today.

You are fully loved. You are enough. I hope you know that.

"The Truth About Hate..."

Earlier this week, when Pope Francis was asked about the massacre in Orlando and whether he thought the Church should apologize to gay people for the way it has treated them, he stated: “I think that the Church not only should apologize … to a gay person whom it offended but it must also apologize to the poor as well, to the women who have been exploited, to children who have been exploited by (being forced to) work. It must apologize for having blessed so many weapons.”

Then along came Bill Donahue, President of the Catholic League to share his thoughts about what the leader of his faith was "really" saying... It's an epic meltdown that succinctly shows us what those who hate really believe.

BTW: I can't imagine this man teaching black history...

I sure he thinks slavery was our fault.

"The Difficult Truth When You're Gay And A Muslim..."

Pakistan is one of the world’s least tolerant countries when it comes to homosexuality. Being gay is illegal in the Islamic republic and carries a sentence of up to 10 years in prison. Gay men are often accused of bringing shame to their families and commonly face violence — sometimes even murder.

Gay-focused apps like Grindr, Scruff, and ManJam offer a discreet way for Pakistan’s LGBT community to connect and socialize, but they’re also risky: A man was recently arrested for allegedly using the apps to lure gay men and kill them.

VICE News went to Pakistan to unravel the country’s underground gay scene and examine the ways that technology is being used to achieve sexual freedom.

"Fear Eats the Soul"

"The Difficult Truth When You're Gay And A Muslim..."

In Iran, homosexuality is banned and punishable by execution under its strict code of sharia, or Islamic law. In a country dominated by the religious class, being gay is taboo, and especially among the establishment. One Iranian gay cleric, who conducted gay weddings in secret, was forced to flee the country, and has been threatened with death. 

BBC Persian's Ali Hamedani reports.

Video Journalist: Kelvin Brown

"Fear Eats the Soul"

"A Poignant Thought For Sunday..."

"Fear Eats the Soul"

"And The Truth Shall Set You Free..."

Gay College Basketball Player From Arkansas Survived Rape, Now Proudly Comes Out

Nathan Fort has struggled with being gay for much of his life. The college basketball player from rural Arkansas opens up about his belief in God and Jesus Christ getting him through some very tough times.

By Nathan Fort

Outsports.com

March 30, 2016,

I'm often asked, "How can you be a college basketball player and still be gay?"

I usually answer with something equally absurd.

"How can you be straight?"

Growing up in Cedarville, a little town of 1,300 people in western Arkansas, was one of the greatest things that could have happened to me. There I developed some friendships and memories that will last a lifetime. I loved my life there except for one not-so-small problem: Cedarville and the other surrounding areas are some of the most homophobic parts of the country.

Growing up I was inculcated with the belief that "gay" automatically meant "going to hell."

Two years ago I told everyone I was against homosexuality, even hated gay people. I'd say gays have no meaning in this world. I uttered hatefulness out of necessity to fit into the community, but I always felt like my words would come back to haunt me.

In junior high, I was always that "weird" or "crazy" kid nobody wanted to hang around, so I didn't have a lot of friends. The other kids frequently called me gay because I hung out with girls and acted as the class clown. (Fun fact: I am now a professional clown, in case anyone needs me to do a gig).

Of course I denied the gay comments, clinging to three things that kept me whole during my lonely youth: 1) God, 2) family and 3) basketball.

At a young age I showed promise on the basketball court, so my parents sent me to camps and gave me resources to develop as a basketball player. Eventually I caught the attention of a few players and coaches. As I became more of a "star," the other kids started talking to me more. Being good at basketball suddenly made me "normal," worthy of their time and attention.

Even with some friends and attention, I felt like an outcast. In high school my loneliness and self-hatred were at an all-time high, while my self-worth plummeted. I didn't know who I was. I didn't know where I was going in life.

After one particularly awful day, I walked to the edge of a steep cliff not too far from my house. I went to that cliff with every intention of taking my life over the edge. Thankfully a will to live hit me the closer I got and, after some contemplation, I backed away from my death.

Yet somehow I slipped and fell right over the edge of the cliff. It sounds crazy, I know. My mind was truly elsewhere in those moments, and I tumbled down. The fall felt like an eternity, but it wasn't bad enough to kill me. My clumsy feet had left me, luckily, alive.

"God," I whispered aloud in a croaked voice, "if you can help me and take care of me, I will live for you for the rest of my life."

Somewhere in my head came an answer, a mandate to "Get up." I moved my legs, sat up, and walked away, relatively unscathed. Surviving that episode, and the emotional roller coaster it put me on, built my trust in God to answer my prayers.

After high school I attended Ecclesia College, a Bible school not an hour away from my parents' house. There I played my first years of college ball. I was one of the best players on the team and had some semblance of popularity on campus. This was also the first time I had guys hitting on me. Yep, at a Bible school. Shocking, I know. They would ask if I was straight or gay, and I'd always chicken out. Yet I so wanted to be with a guy to see what it was like.

After a year at Ecclesia, I ended up at Bethel College. With a new-found freedom at a new school I decided to explore my identity.

After my sophomore year at Bethel, I worked up the courage to try a gay club, just to see what the gay scene was like. There I met a very nice guy who lived near me who wanted to take me out. We left the club together, my heart beating fast, excited and nervous about what the night might hold.

He drove and we talked. It seemed like this was going to be my perfect first time with a guy.

It wasn't. He wrestled me out of the car. He sexually abused me. He drugged me. He raped me. He changed my life. It's a struggle to just write a few lines about it, but it's part of who I am now.

Even though I never reported the incident to anyone, and this guy was not charged with any crime, I know in my heart that he forced himself on me and that's rape in my mind. It's important to me to share this now because I know many other guys have been in similar situations.

After that episode I went back to dating girls. I had to. I wasn't emotionally ready for what "being gay" suddenly meant in my head after that experience.

It took me another year to find the courage to be my true self. When I told a couple friends that I was gay, word quickly spread at the small Bethel campus. Soon everyone would know, which forced me to tell the people I consider my second family: my teammates and coaches.

I've always been scared to tell guys about my sexuality. Telling girls always felt a lot easier to me. So I knew telling my teammates would be one of my biggest challenges.

It turned out to be so much easier than I suspected. I spoke to each teammate, one by one, and for the most part they have supported me. My coming out didn't change the way the coaches treat me either; They consider me as any regular basketball player, not "the gay basketball player."

This season I played in every game, usually in the top five on my team in scoring coming off the bench and contributing every way I could to the team to succeed.

Off of the team, some friends at Bethel who once regularly talked with me went silent. Whispers surfaced behind my back. Some students did threaten to try to kick me out of school, damage my truck, and even physically harm me. So far they have not done any of those things and Bethel College has backed me up to prevent those incidents from happening in the future. Back home some former friends have belittled my sexuality, like it's a choice (a choice I don't remember making).

Some Bethel varsity athletes have had a tough time with me being gay. Usually from the rural South, they have always had the worst-possible images of gay people in their minds. I may not fit all of those images, but that hasn't made it any easier for them to accept me.

The best part is that they are trying to understand me, but when you've been raised with one mindset and one set of beliefs your entire first 20 years, change doesn't come easy. It's not easy for me to accept, but I get it.

My parents are on a similar journey. When I came out they were in the middle of a divorce, so I avoided telling them. Sure enough, they found out by word of mouth and I had to find the courage to tell them about my sexuality. They still don't understand me, but they reassure me constantly that they still love me.

Navigating my sexuality has been a difficult journey, but I thank God for it. He provides me with the strength, courage, determination, heart, and love to live every day knowing some people can't accept me. I hope to help others find the same strength to deal with whatever struggles they encounter in their lives.

I just wish we could all find the strength to live life by this one motto: Always be you. God created everyone different. He did that for a reason.

Don't waste your life being depressed like I did, to the point where that depression almost takes away your life. Don't let anybody hold you back for what you want to do in life, because it's your life, not theirs. I will never stop fighting to be a better friend, a better basketball player, a better follower of Christ, and a better person.

To those of you who are reading this for the first time, I am still the same Nathan you know. I have been hiding my sexuality for quite some time, and I figured at some point I would have to let the world know. Just like you, my sexual orientation doesn't define me; I'm more than a category. I wish I could have told you sooner.

Am I scared this is being published? Yes.

Will I be judged or looked down upon? Hell yes.

But I am strong, and look to Christ to guide my way until I reach a new life with Him. I hope you take the time to understand what I have gone through and accept me for who I am.



You can find Nathan Fort on Facebook and Instagram. You can also reach him via email at nathan.fort31@yahoo.com.

Story editor: Cyd Zeigler

"The Truth About Who We Are..."

Safir, HIV Technical Expert, Bangkok, Thailand by thegaymenproject

photos by Kevin Truong

photo by Kevin Truong

Safir, in his own words: "Being a 26 years old gay to me means: 20 years living in fear that I would end up in hell and while I was still on earth, I would be #foreveralone because of being brainwashed that God would only give a man a female soulmate (thanks to my conservative Muslim upbringing, including nine years studying in Islamic school) followed by 2 years learning that I'm not alone and not everyone/everything condemns homosexuality (thanks to a new life in Europe that I pursued while I was studying) followed by 5 years feeling awesome to be what I am (as my life here in Bangkok for the past few years is free from stigma and surrounded by open-minded people).

My greatest success was when I got in to the United Nations. I started as an intern two years ago and now I still cant believe that I've really been working with them ever since. I came from a very local uni and I was competing with kids from elite universities around the globe. Heck, I didn't even know if I took the right mastersprogram prior to my internship. I do still have some insecurities with my English while working with the colleagues who are native speakers. But that's great. I mean, that's the only insecurity I have now and I no longer have insecurities of my sexual orientation in the office. It's very different when I worked in an Indonesian company. I kept fearing that they would've bullied me if I was open about being gay.

What's also great about my work at the UN is that, as a HIV technical expert, I'm working for the human rights of people living with HIV and key affected populations, including gay men, which is something I've been passionate about since I grew up. Growing up in a non-gay friendly environment really did unleash my human rights advocate side.

I haven't come out to my parents yet - but I've done it to my Facebook friends. I was in IKEA with friends, they took a pic of me coming out of the showcased wardrobe and I posted that pic on my Facebook (with the caption:" just coming out of the closet"). Bam!

(With regards to the gay scene in Bangkok) This is a tricky question. I am already hearing somebody shouting at me because my answer is stereotyping the gay scene. I find the gay scene in Bangkok, in terms of nightlife, divided into two neighwhorehood: "sticky rice" AND "potato and rice" gayhoods. Or maybe not so much on what kind of race you're into with, but more on 'whether or not you speak Thai." Sticky rice playground is what people refer to "local gayhood" (e.g., Ratchada, Ramkanhaeng) - where finding English-speaking Thai boys is much harder than in the 'international' one (e.g., Silom). I eat all kind of carbo, but I prefer the "Sticky rice" playground to the other. I can still feel the Thai's land-of-smile manners there. no matter how packed the club is, the boys will still say "sorry" (in a very polite Thai expression) if they bump into you or step on your feet.

Outside the nightlife scene, I feel that there's no other exclusive gay scene in Bangkok. Most of the "scenes" are integrated with the non-gay ones. This just shows how Bangkok is much more progressive than other big cities in Southeast Asia.

(Advice I'd give to my younger self) You might still not have Grindr (or a Smartphone), but you are not alone. Gay people exist. Not just in the porn videos you secretly hid in the folder named "Homework" in your old PC. And the best part is, many of them are beautiful and full of inspiration, and they love you they way you are."

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"Fear Eats the Soul"