"The Truth Is Stranger Than Fiction..."

They say we've all got one... It's true in my case, I saw my own doppelgänger when I was in my 20's. He was a model on the page of an obscure catalog for a company then called, Edmond Scientific (no relationship to the current company of that name). That catalog firm now has an online presence as www.scientificsonline.com.  But nearly 40 year ago, before the internet, PCs and cell phones and  while one day turning the pages of a catalog of interesting "science-themed" products, what I found staring back at me was my own image. 

I still remember how shocked and unnerved I was by how precisely this fellow looked like me.  I recall how just to be sure I wasn't imagining it, I showed that catalog picture to dozens of people and they all reacted with, "When did you take that photo? and similar queries as they were convinced that it was my likeness they were looking at. When I pointed out that it wasn't actually me, I was met with disbelief and ridicule for denying what was so clearly an image of me.  In the face of such incredible odds of stumbling across one's own doppelgänger, I wrote to the company (an actual delivered by the post office letter) asking them for contact information on the model in their catalog.  I never got a reply and after a year or two, their catalogs stopped coming (I never bought much from them as I didn't have time for armature science). Although I looked every time they sent another catalog, I could never find my doppelgänger again. Nevertheless, I'm reminded of this experience almost everyday, because when I'm at work I often see one of two doppelgängers of the beloved one that I've encountered since we parted many years ago. 

About 5 1/2 years ago, I changed careers and went to work in a large facility (160,000 sq.ft.) where I lead a team of more than 40 people.  Within the workplace, beyond my team there are perhaps another 100 or so employees.  During my first week there, while walking through the facility, out of the corner of my eye I saw someone walking ahead of me who so unmistakably resembled the beloved one in build, stature, stride and mannerisms that I was convinced it was him... My heart raced and my mind became overwhelmed by a flood emotions including fear and joy, happiness and pain.  I felt dizzy, disoriented and even nauseous and had to stop walking as I watched this apparition from behind a fixture.  When he stopped to chat with a colleague of his, he turned to the side and I could see his profile.  As I got a look at his face, I felt faint and had to hold myself up.  I could hear his voice in the distance as he spoke and even his speech, the tone, the inflection and the cadence of his talking was that of the beloved one.  After a few seconds that seemed like an eternity, this ghostly apparition of the beloved one turned and walked away. I gathered myself and my senses and made my way to my office where I sat down and ruminated on what I'd just seen and experienced.  

Was I certain it couldn't be him?  Yes, but I also knew that seeing this man who could be the beloved one's literal twin was probably going to be too much for me to endure.  As I sat at my desk, a few moments into my reflection of this shocking discovery found me shaking and with tears rolling over my cheeks as every memory both good and bad of the love affair from which I never recovered came flooding back to my mind. I seriously considered getting up and walking out the door and leaving the job forever. Perhaps the only thing that kept me there that day was knowing that I needed to provide for my family.  For the rest of the day, I didn't see the similitude of the beloved one again and I actively endeavored not to look for him as I contemplated whether I could indeed bear to stay in such close proximity to so poignant a reminder of one who was so loved.

I went back to work the next day, and the day after, and the day after that and I didn't see the beloved one's twin again until late the next week, by which time I had decided that I would try to endure the heartache of seeing, (but not actually seeing) the one who still possesses my heart.  When I did next see the beloved one's doppelgänger, I quite literally bumped into him as he was leaving and I was entering the restroom. He looked into my eyes, while apologizing and saying, "Sorry" and it was then that we both realized that he had noticed that rather than acknowledging his "sorry" and then walking past him, I stood there quite unable to move and held the gaze into his eyes for far too long. With a disturbed and puzzled look on his face, he stepped aside and went on his way... As I listened to his steps fade on the concrete floor, it took every ounce of determination in me to not step back out of the doorway and watch as he walked away. For months after that awkward encounter, I noticed that whenever he saw me, he avoided coming near. That was probably for the best, as I felt as if I might die if I stood as close to him again as I did on that day at the restroom door.

After a while (nearly a year), he began to acknowledge me and speak in passing... I'm sure he noticed early on that when he decided to normalize seeing me, I was always affected when he did so. I still am to this day.  Perhaps he even imagines he knows why? I've since studied and observed (from a distance) this emblem of my love for another. I noticed in him some distinct OGTs and I'm now convinced that he's a same gender loving man too. Over time (years), I've now grown comfortable and accustomed to seeing him. Thankfully, he works in a department that is the farthest away from my own. Nevertheless, on days when our paths do cross, we now always speak to one another. Recently and for the first time ever, a few months ago, we had a brief work-related conversation that left me kind of floating and feeling as if I'd been speaking with the beloved one.

Even though every mannerism of my work colleague is so like unto the beloved one's, I now look forward to being fondly reminded of the one whom I cannot stop loving despite the passing of these many years.  Although I still never look for the beloved one's doppelgänger, when I do see him as we pass one another and exchange polite pleasantries, I can hear another voice of mine, that still, small voice inside me saying, "I still love you..."

I am always remembering... and my greatest fear is that I may not live long enough to forget.