"I Am Always Remembering..."

It was a day just like today, a chilly but sunny autumn day, a day to marvel at the beauty of the season. I'd said my prayers well before dawn that morning and then I'd been out running in the cold, damp darkness before the sun came up. And though I'd dared not to mention the beloved one to God as I knelt in prayer that chilly and dark morning, every time my foot fell onto the pavement as I ran through the darkness hearing my own blood rush through my veins, in my heart I heard myself declaring to the Lord my love for Stephen.

It was earlier that same week, when I kissed him for the very first time that I knew that something had profoundly changed in my life... Although I could feel my heart beating in my chest as I ran, I knew it no longer belonged to me. I had so effortlessly given it away and it was no longer my own.  And so later that morning as I walked through the house distracting myself with tasks long deferred, while trying to ignore the pull of heartstrings I never knew were there, I found myself back on my knees on the carpet, this time reupholstering the dining room chairs in the same spot where I would pray most everyday. 

While on my knees surrounded by the fabric scraps, staples and brass tacks, I paused to look out the window just as a beam of sunlight broke through the clouds and landed on the carpet beside me. Without knowing why, I moved into that light and found myself again bowing my head in prayer. And then finally, I asked the questions of God that I had been afraid to ask in the 40 years that had led me to that fateful day... I had just three questions: "Am I as you intended me to be?" "Is this love?" "Will you anoint my love for him?" As I knelt in fearful silence awaiting His answers, I soon felt His presence about me. And in an indescribable soft whisper I was given my answers and an unexpected warning about the beloved one's fearful heart.

When finally, I opened my eyes, I realized from the diminishing daylight that hours had passed with me there on the floor in contrite prayer. And for the first time in my life, I felt that everything was clear about what I should do next. Although, I hadn't been ignoring Stephen since experiencing the unbridled passions of that first kiss just a few nights before, I had been avoiding him and declining his invitations to meet over those few days that had since passed.

When I rose from the floor, I sat in a chair by the window and I sent him a text message asking if we could talk. It went unanswered for hours as I sat there waiting.  Then late that evening he finally called... And even as my hand trembled reaching to pick up the phone, knowing it would be him, I knew what I had to say couldn't be said over the phone. I asked if I could come to see him, and he said, "Yes." I remember deciding to wear the same outfit I'd worn to our first date. And as I prepared to leave, I picked up and kissed my Mother's photo, asking her to wish me well in heaven. Then once more, I knelt in prayer again, asking for strength to endure what I believed would be the hardest thing I would ever do. As I closed my front door behind me, I knew nothing would ever be the same on my return.

When I arrived, the beloved one let me in, and without a word being said between us, he led me up the beautiful staircase to his rooms in the palatial mansion he called home. He invited me to sit with him in front of the fireplace... but I told him I would stand as I had something important to tell him. He sat down and I stood before him trembling with fear and I began... "I love you and you have my heart. I don't know what to do next, or what will happen, but I love you and that is all I know." I stood there nearly in tears until he stood up and he took my hand and said, "I love you, too."  With nothing else being said, we stood there in silence until I reached out to take both his hands in mine and he leaned in as I looked fearfully into his eyes and I kissed him gently upon lips that had become instantly precious to me... 

As he pressed his lips against mine with increasing passion, I stepped back and said, "Not yet... I'm going home now." and with one hand, I led him to the door and down the stairs to give me my leave. When I arrived home, as I closed the door behind me, I knew that from that moment until forever more, my life would never be the same. Just before midnight, as I lay restlessly awake thinking of every dream of life that then so suddenly seemed possible, he called and he said to me, "Goodnight Christopher, sleep well and have pleasant dreams. I love you." And that was enough to bring the calm needed for sleep. Just moments later, as I began to drift into the land of dreams that night, across my lips, for the very first time, I whispered, "Goodnight Dearest, I love you!"

I am always remembering...

And, my greatest fear is that I may not live long enough to forget.