"A Little Sane Advice..."

Yesterday I hurt Gee’s feelings. Albeit unintentionally, the effect was the same. See, I tend to have conversations in my head and almost always need time to process my feelings/thoughts before engaging in decision making. I teeter-totter back and forth, weighing all the pros and cons and possible outcomes before settling on a POA. Some people would call this indecisiveness. Those people would be right! This can be a blessing and a curse. It’s a blessing because once I’ve had the time to think things through, I’m able to think logically rather than emotionally (I can be VERY emotional. SCRATCH THAT – I AM very emotional). It’s a curse because I tend to find myself in situations such as the one I’m writing about. Situations that can be easily avoided.

Here’s a brief rundown of what happened. Gee asked me a question about what I wanted to do that day. He had one thing in mind while I had another. The thing is, I wasn’t settled on what exactly it was that I wanted to do. I didn’t tell him this. So, I’m having this back and forth conversation in my head trying to decide what I want to do. Gee takes my silence as acceptance. I eventually decided to tell Gee that I wanted to hang out with some friends instead of the activity that he had planned. Cue the attitude. Cue the silent treatment. Cue the negative energy.

Later that evening, once we began discussing the particulars, I realized something that had a profound effect on me; a lesson that I will carry forever: had I simply expressed my feelings and desires and thoughts throughout the day, in the moment, we would not have ended up in the situation that we were in. Simple as that.

With that, here are 6 tips to foster healthier communication in your relationship.

#1. Find the Right Time.If something is bothering you and you would like to have a serious conversation about it, make sure you pick the right time to talk. Don’t interrupt your partner when they’re watching a TV show, about to go to sleep or stressed about an upcoming project. Tell your partner you would like to talk later and find a time when you’re in the same room and not doing anything important.

#2. Talk Face to Face.Avoid talking about serious matters or issues in writing. Text messages, letters and emails can be misinterpreted. Talk in person so there aren’t any unnecessary miscommunications.

#3. Do Not Attack.Even when we mean well, we can sometimes come across as harsh because of our word choice. Using “you” can sound like you’re attacking, which will make your partner defensive and less receptive to your message. Instead, try using “I” or “we.” For example, say “I feel like we haven’t been as close lately” instead of “You have been distant with me.”

#4. Be Honest.Agree to be honest. Sometimes the truth hurts, but it’s the key to a healthy relationship. Admit that you aren’t always perfect and apologize when you make a mistake instead of making excuses. You will feel better and it will help strengthen your relationship.

#5. Check Your Body Language. Make eye contact when speaking. Sit up and face your partner. Let your partner know you’re listening. Show them you really care. Don’t take a phone call, text or play a video game when you’re talking. Listen and respond.

#6. Use the 48 Hour Rule.If your partner does something that makes you angry, you need to tell them about it. But you don’t have to do so right away. If you’re still hurt 48 hours later, say something. If not, consider forgetting about it. But remember your partner can’t read your mind. If you don’t speak up when you’re upset, there is no way for them to apologize or change. Once you do mention your hurt feelings and your partner sincerely apologies, let it go. Don’t bring up past issues if they’re not relevant.

Juan