"And Sometimes, Not Even Death Shall Set You Free..."

Gay Widower Finds Himself Opposed by Partner’s Family

By Steven Petrow
August 20, 2013

Every other Tuesday, Steven Petrow, the author of “Steven Petrow’s Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners” (Workman, 2011), addresses questions about gay and straight etiquette for a boomer-age audience. Send questions for Civil Behavior to stevenpetrow@earthlink.net.

Q. Dear Civil Behavior: Mike, my partner for 13 years, and I worked with a local attorney to prepare our wills and related documents. Before we could finalize all of our financial affairs, however, Mike was diagnosed with a rare brain virus that strikes some H.I.V./AIDS patients. Six weeks later, I held Mike’s hand as he took his final breath in our home. During his final difficult days, Mike’s mother, father and sisters seemed disinterested in his illness. Recently my attorney learned that Mike’s parents have instructed the funeral home not to provide the documentation that I need to file Mike’s estate. In addition, Mike’s co-workers and friends have abandoned me, turning their backs and adding to my emotional distress. Now I’m struggling with how to address the individuals who disrespected my beloved’s final wishes and added to my emotional distress during the early days of my bereavement. I’ll be grateful for any advice you can share.
— John Moriarty, Kansas City, Mo.

A. First, let me say that I’m so sorry for your loss and for the added challenges you’re facing from your late partner’s family and some of your “friends” and co-workers. Lest readers think this is a rare occurrence, alas, it is not. Earlier this year, I heard a similar story about a lesbian couple, Jessica Powell and Crystal Craven of Laurel, Miss. Ms. Craven had terminal brain cancer at the time they said, “I do,” and died 43 days later. Mississippi, like 24 other states provides no relationship recognition for same-sex couples, and Ms. Powell and Ms. Craven had not executed the necessary legal paperwork to protect themselves. (While the local paper, The Laurel Leader-Call, heralded their nuptials as an “Historic Wedding” on the front page, Mississippi doesn’t legally recognize same-sex marriages.)

When I e-mailed with Ms. Powell she told me that her late wife’s parents were able to take complete control of their daughter’s funeral and obituary (Ms. Powell’s name only appeared at the end of a list of survivors as a “special friend”). On the day of the service, Ms. Powell posted on Facebook: “I was banned. Tell everybody that I love Crystal [but] I can’t come because I would be asked to leave. This is tearin’ me apart....” Ms. Powell was also asked not to attend her wife’s burial; instead, she posted from her parked car across the street from the cemetery: “I’m at the laundromat watching.”

I think what you pose above is really two separate questions: one about the law and the other about manners and ethics. As I’m not a lawyer, I’d recommend following the advice of Frederick Hertz, a lawyer and and author of “Making It Legal: A Guide to Same-Sex Marriage,” who told me: “Consult with an attorney savvy in L.G.B.T. matters and focus on your specific and achievable goals. Your lawyer can guide you on how to proceed with the estate issues - and you will need to be realistic about what is possible, in light of the legal avenues open to you in your particular state.” (To find a local attorney in L.G.B.T. family law, contact Lambda Legal.)

The manners matter here -- is more challenging. My readers know that I generally advise taking the “high road,” i.e. letting go and moving on. Along those lines, one reader posted on my Facebook page (in response to your question): “I would suggest that a protracted battle against his partner’s family will only compound his grief and make it more difficult to remember the good times sooner. I would probably abandon Mike’s remains and estate to Mike’s family and find other ways to remember and honor Mike.”

Not so fast, please. In this case, the high road is not one of conflict avoidance, but rather of a principled stand. Instead, I hope you’ll honor Mike’s wishes and assert yourself as his life partner by channeling your grief into action. One way to do that is to find and instruct lawyery to “to legally kick some butts around the courtroom” (as one Facebook reader put it). Or consider exerting some social pressure to draw attention to your situation—a process that you have indeed set underway by writing to me—whether in the form of a news story or postings on social media. That’s what Jessica Powell did after her wife died, and while it didn’t result in a “win” for her, the publicity helped educate other L.G.B.T couples about the need for all unmarried couples to be rigorous about estate planning and the importance of fairness for same-sex couples in states without explicit protections.

(Of course, not everyone is prepared to take a public stand during a time of deep sorrow such as yours. Please don’t feel it’s required of you.)

As for the folks who disrespected your partner’s wishes and have abandoned you, turn your attention instead to those who love and support you. That’s the real high road.

*****

As anyone who has read my profile (here) knows, I work in the death care industry.  The situation that Steven Petrow brings to light here is not at all uncommon and in fact I'd say situations like this are more the rule of what happens rather than the exception.  

I have witnessed situations like these unfold many times, including most recently when one member of a SGL couple who had been together for over 40 years died and the family (and in Michigan, state law) excluded his spouse from being able to have a say in his beloved's final arrangements.  Surprisingly, but I'm sure of little consolation to his surviving spouse, the family did include him in the obituary as his beloved's "life-long friend."  

As a result of having seen these types of situations happen over and over again, I am a strong advocate for SGL people pre-arranging their own funeral plans and obituaries.  And of course, all GLBT people and especially those in committed and long-term relationships need to have estate plans and the necessary legal documents in place to protect one another when the eventuality of illness and/or death touches their lives.  Even in state's with legal same-sex marriage, the rights normally granted to surviving spouses may not be available to a same-gender spouse without additional planning beforehand.  It behooves us all to be prepared and to protect those we love.

"Fear Eats the Soul"