Kevin & Mark - Kearney, MO.
My marriage to my wife ended after almost 14 years and three kids. All my life something was missing. Once I was divorced, I finally decided that I wasn't getting any younger (I am 41 years old and a late bloomer) and I wasn't about to allow myself to get too old to act on those thoughts and desires that I had stuffed so deep in the recesses of my mind. In December of 2007, I finally experimented with my first guy. There were several after that, and I liked what I was doing. Everything just felt "natural" to me. But I still had a problem, I was still keeping everything a secret and I kept telling the guys that I was spending time with that once I found the "right guy" I would "come out".
I found Chris online in late June, 2008. He was casually dating a guy, but it wasn't a real serious relationship yet and he agreed to do what I call a "meet and greet" at a restaurant on the Plaza in Kansas City. We started seeing each other fairly regularly, pretty quickly. I still had a lot to learn about the gay lifestyle and Chris, at first, was kinda taking the teaching role. I learned Chris's boyfriend's name was Mark, and Chris told me a lot about him and would even tell me that when we were done spending time together on some days, he would be going over to Mark's place and spend time with him. I didn't mind because Chris and I were just having fun, and at the time I wasn't really thinking I would get serious with Chris.
Things progressed pretty quickly. Chris and I spent more and more time together, having good times, and talking a lot. Chris was not a very talkative person if you asked a lot of questions, but if I would talk, and tell stories about my life or whatever, he would start talking and telling me about his life. I learned that Chris was tormented in high school and then again when he was in the military and then the worst thing possible - his parents and brother were not accepting of his lifestyle. They just didn't talk about it. His sister was, I think, his best friend and confidant for many years and she totally accepted him for who he was.
Chris had what I called an "old soul", he was aged beyond his 26 years due to the hardships in his earlier years. I believe this is why he was attracted to older men. I was 41 years old and he told me Mark was 38. In early August, I really started having feelings for Chris and I expressed this to him. Although, more than anything, he wanted a long term relationship, he was torn between the two men he was seeing. He said that he had been looking for years for a partner that had the qualities necessary for a LTR and had given up, thinking there was no such man out there. Then, all of a sudden, he had found not one, but two great men, referring to Mark and myself. But I had to do some damage control, or self preservation, and told Chris that I could no longer continue the way we were - him dating both of us, because I was starting to develop feelings for him. He needed to choose between the two of us and I fully expected him to choose Mark since they had known each other a little longer.
But he was torn. Finally, I met up with him at his apartment and told him that I would make it easy for him and bow out of the running, because I didn't want to hurt him further and I couldn't handle the drama any more and wanted it to end. He had been talking to his sister, who helped him decide that he would quit seeing Mark. I was dumbfounded, but very happy, of course. We committed to exploring our relationship that day and I told him, that I felt I found the right man, I was "coming out"... and I started that whole process.
Over the next few weeks I was slowly coming out to friends and a couple of family members, with Chris's advice and guidance. We had a lot of great times and sex. He was meeting my friends and then the granddaddy of them all, he met my kids. He was so nervous about it and we had long discussions about that, but in the end the meeting went very well over dinner at a local restaurant. He was so excited he had to call his sister and tell her all about it. He also, throughout this time had been confiding in his sister about the things we were doing, and the path we were on and expressed to her that "he had never been happier". Considering his past, I am very happy that I was able to give him this happiness.
Another benchmark in our relationship was two nights before he died. He wanted to schedule a dinner for me to meet one of his best male friends, James, and his partner Phil. Chris talked a lot about James throughout our short time together, and how much he admired James and Phil, and how long they had been together, and how much Chris himself wanted something like what they had. I asked Chris if meeting James was the equivalent of meeting his parents, and he responded in his typical fashion "James is very important to me".
Fast forward to August 28th, Chris came by the house and dropped off his over night bag, he was going to spend a weekend with me and the kids, to get to know them better. He was going to sleep on a pallet in the basement to try and get the kids used to the idea of him sleeping at the house without adding the additional stress of him sleeping in "daddy's bedroom". I was mowing the yard and he was going to go for a motorcycle ride. He left the house at 4:20 and died at about 4:22, less than ½ mile south of my house. Someone pulled out in front of him, he was only traveling at about 50 mph. He died instantly from a broken neck.
As I said, Chris died at 4:22 or so, and I didn't know it. My daughter was due home at 4:45, when the school bus would drop her off. I kept watching the highway, especially when she wasn't home by 5:00. By 5:15, she finally showed up, I shut the mower down and asked where she was and she stated "There was an accident up the street and they detoured us". I still didn't know Chris had died. I had no reason to think it was him involved in the accident since I had assumed it was just another accident that regularly occurred at another intersection further up the road. I continued on with the yard work, finished it, came inside to get dinner ready for myself, Chris, and my kids.
We ate dinner at about 6:30 or so and the kids and I discussed where Chris could have gone for so long - must have been a long ride. I officially started worrying when the sun started going down and it started to cool off outside since Chris was wearing a sleeveless shirt, jeans and his helmet. At 8:45, I sent him a text message. No response. I left a voice mail at 10:00, no response. Finally at 11:00, I called the local hospital and asked if there was a motorcycle accident, and they confirmed that there had been but would not give any information over the phone.
Of course I drove up to the hospital and begged them to tell me if their patients' name had been Chris Fry, to which they confirmed and then I asked if he had passed away and they also confirmed what I suspected to be true. I learned that Chris died 6.5 hours after it happened. I think about what I was doing at the moment that he died, and I was thinking happy thoughts about him, and the things we had planned for the long weekend. And then the worry set in, then desperation and finally, total sorrow and the sense of loss! It was awful, I called many people that night and several of them came running the next morning.
I had never met Chris's sister until his death but we bonded almost immediately and spent a lot of time together that week.. It was a very sad week, but I could tell her stories that helped her cope and she told me their conversations about Chris and I that warmed my heart. He told her he was finally happy now that he had found me. She is the only person that can truly validate my relationship with Chris, outside of myself. After the funeral that Friday, in Springfield MO, I came home and spent the night alone. Spent most of the day Saturday at home alone, cleaning, and just generally trying to stay busy - all the while trying to keep from dwelling on recent events with Chris's death. In the back of my mind I kinda kept expecting any number of my friends to call and see if I felt like getting out of the house, but they all must have felt I needed some time alone and no one called.
About 5:30, I finally decided I needed to get out of the house or I was going to drive myself crazy. I dressed up a little and was going to do what Chris and I enjoyed doing back in 2013, going bar hopping, getting a drink or two at one bar then move on to the next. We never drank a lot, just enough to keep the conversation flowing and have some fun. So, I headed out to our favorite gay bars, would have a drink or two, then move on. I of course was not trying to pick anyone up, just trying to get out, have a few drinks and try to get my mind off Chris. The fourth and last bar I hit that night has a dance floor, I don't dance but I like to watch. I chose to stand fairly close to a handsome guy and we just watched what was going on with the dancers.
This gentleman and I started talking, and had a really wonderful conversation for about 20 or 30 minutes, about people we knew in the bar, the bar scene (how much we dislike some of it) and believe it or not, that we both had kids. The gentleman had to go to the restroom and when he returned, asked me my name and then he asked "Did you know Chris Fry?" I was shocked, but I didn't know where he was going with his question and I could hardly talk and said, very cautiously, "yes" and he said "my name is Mark" and it finally dawned on me it was the man Chris stopped seeing at my prodding... we both started crying right there in the club. We had never met before. We were totally and completely in awe of the fact that we met and we started wondering if our meeting had been orchestrated by Chris himself in some way! Of all the places I had been that evening, and the possible variables and alternative avenues that I could have taken that evening and I ended up talking to Chris's prior boyfriend.
The coincidence was too great for us to ignore. The odds were astronomically against us meeting. Yet we did - and prior to us realizing our common bond, we were having great conversation. We decided right then and there that Chris meant for us to meet and we needed to explore possibilities - very slowly - since we had both just lost someone that was very special to us and felt a "creepy" feeling at any thoughts of an intimate relationship. We spent hours talking about Chris, and still do sometimes.
Whether meeting Mark that night was born of coincidence or a higher being, I do not know, but it has given me reason to wonder. Well, we did take things slowly, probably not slow enough for some, considering events that had happened. But we believe that Chris meant for us to meet because we click so well together. I never for a second thought I would have a relationship with someone that had their own children, but it opens up a whole new world of "things in common" with a potential partner.
Chris was a beautiful man and he will always have a special place in my heart, but I also understand his dilemma when he had to choose, because Mark is a wonderful man! There may be those that think what we are doing is wrong, or we may be grasping for relationships, or we are on the rebound, or blinded by grief or whatever. I have thought about all of that and more, but I keep coming to the same conclusion, that I am a reasonably intelligent, emotionally stable, mature man that sees the potential for something beautiful to come of something so tragic and I will not let it pass unexplored - and so far, our relationship, although young, has far exceeded any expectations I might have had in the past and I can once again see great happiness in my future. There you have it, much more than you bargained for.... I don't know why I am sharing this much detail with you, except that you graciously expressed some interest.
Excerpted from:
Gay in America by Scott Pasfield
Hardcover: 224 pages
Publisher: Welcome Books (September 27, 2011)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1599621045
ISBN-13: 978-1599621043
Amazon: Gay in America
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