"A Little Sane Advice..."

WHY SOME GAY MEN DON'T BELIEVE IN ROMANCE

It is easy to showcase stories of love and romance and forget the days when many of us thought: "I will never find the one." Those were trying times and, for some in our community, they still are.

It is not uncommon for a gay man's journey of romance to follow this path:

• Wild and crazy times when we're set free from the closet sampling everything that the "man-candy" store has to offer.
• Wide-eyed and misty moments when falling in love for the first time. 
• Sarcastic and cynical jags about what "dogs" men are after we've experienced a series of failed relationships, but observed a series of successful relationships happening for other gents. 
• Solitary and contemplative eternities spent wondering "Will ever happen for me?" 

While the intent here is not to bring down the room, we have all experienced some version of the above before. And, while the challenges of finding "The One." it isn't particular to gay men, our experience is unique. Why?

Two simple, but complex - though fortunately changing conditions are true for us...

1) We never thought the "picket fence idyll" could be ours.

This comes from the fact that many of us aren't programmed as little boys (straight or gay) to make marriage our ultimate goal, and to the fact that, until recently, marriage wasn't our right. For many of us, we never fully placed "Happily Ever After" in our sights.

Yes, in 2017, married life in its fullest is more and more accessible to many of us, but there is still a ways to go for it to feel 100% equal to those who call themselves husband and wife. And, as a result, this might still make some gay men among us feel like the "normalcy" of husband and husband is not yet in reach.

2) We don't have the role models whose footsteps we can follow in.

Let's face it, as much as Will & Grace seriously moved the needle for making gays a part of the mainstream, we only got to see Will dealing with the day-to-days of everyday married life in flash-forwards during the show's finale.

For as many prominent gay men - be they celebrities, tech pioneers, activists or otherwise - who are proudly out, there are countless more who are not. And, while more and more gay couples move into cities across the country, there are neighborhoods that still don't include same-sex couples among their happy families.

But, because and despite all of the above, we are making confident strides forward in making both the possibility and reality of love, romance and marriage between men as everyday as an episode of "The Brady Bunch." But what this requires is the bravery to be first...

For many of us, we've already experienced being the first in our family or group of friends to do certain things.  For me, I was the first and only one of my siblings to serve in the military. I was also the only one of the men in our family not to work in the auto industry here in Detroit. And likewise, to my knowledge, I was the first and only gay man to every come out in our family, despite a number of confirmed-bachelor uncles, cousins and spinster aunts who everyone secretly assumed must be gay.

And so, having made a number of successful first strides in other areas of my life, when the possibility of marriage became a reality, I began to see the world in a different light. And, I began to believe that the goal of having a happy family life could be real for me too. And that belief in the possibility of love and a lasting relationship was the first step to the life I have now.

The power of believing in possibilities is incredible... It has brought with it a series of new firsts to my life. I am the first openly gay man in my extended family. I am happily married and the father of three by adoption. And, I am a grandfather as well. My husband and I live our lives and raise our two minor children openly as respected friends and neighbors in the community where we live.

I serve as a volunteer at my children's school, where staff and students alike are aware that our family is parented by a same-gender married couple. I am out at work. And, of course, I am out here and in my social media presence. All of these "first's" became possible because I was willing to believe that they could be, despite a lack of examples and encouragements at the time.

My advice to anyone seeking love and romance and a lasting relationship is to first believe it can be possible. Then, be brave enough to be first in doing the things that can bring such dreams to life. If you're not out of the closet, do that first. Without being true to yourself and honest with those who have a meaningful place in your life, you will never be brave enough or even able to obtain what I referred to in my dark and fearful days of denial as "the precious desires of the heart..." they come only with freedom, and freedom is reserved to the brave.

*******

"Fear Eats the Soul"

* Adapted from "Why Some Gay Men Don't Believe In Romance"