"A Little Sane Advice..."

10 Ridiculous Things Gay Guys Do For Sex

GayGuys.com
David Artavia
August 25, 2015

I have to admit, gay guys do some pretty ridiculous things in order to get laid. Not only are we men but we’re men who are attracted to men, which has made the pressure to impress each other all the more tempting.

It might be a millennial problem, but gay guys of all ages and cultures have fallen victim to the allure for sex. Everyone wants to feel sexy, but we in particular wear it on our sleeves. It’s a currency that makes us insatiably valuable to the world, our circle of friends and ourselves. But some of the things we do to gain sex appeal is a bit overboard:

#1) Pretending to be a bigger bottom than you really are.

There are plenty of bottoms out there pretending to be tops, but there are just as many tops pretending to be bottoms. Some guys are always curious and despite the fact that they hate it every time, they always think it will be different the next time around.

Trust me, if you hated it the fourth, fifth and sixth time, you’re probably not going to like it the seventh. Stop pretending to be a bigger bottom than you really are—it’s only going to make things awkward and kill the mood when you start crying.

#2) Lie about our age on Grindr.

Your profile says you’re 28 but your face reads 38. I’ve also seen guys who are clearly preteens pretending to be in their mid-twenties—child please! I can still see your baby teeth. Trust me when I say sexiness is about honesty and truth. No man has ever gained appeal by lying about his age. Own it honey!

#3) Doing squats for hours on end to get the bubble butt we see in porn.

I can’t tell you how many scenes I’ve watched where the camera guy asks, “How do you get your butt so perky?” to which the hot porn star says, “I do a lot of squats…”

Now I’m thinking, oh sh*t I need to do a lot of squats if I want to look like him; so I march my flat ass to the gym the next day and do every squat I can think of till my knee caps go weak. Shower and repeat for two months straight until I see the tiniest curve and think it was all worth it. I get that squats are one of the greatest all-round workouts with benefits up the wiz wang, but who are we kidding? We do the squats for the butt. Don’t lie.

#4) Tedious prep.

The prep before gay sex is insane if you truly want to rock a man’s world. It’s not just about douching and soaping. We don’t want to leave any trace of disgust in his memory, especially if we’re having sex for the first time with a man we’ve been eyeing for weeks.

It takes an extra 20 minutes of bathroom time to douche, shower and rinse, but diet also comes into play too; so does trimming in all the right places, baby wiping, etc. The Do’s and Don’t’s of Bottoming can be too much for a gay man to handle sometimes that I’d rather just order takeout and forget about the damn thing.

#5) Shaving balls.

I don’t know who magically thought of shaving balls, but I’m glad they did—it looks better and they’re more fun to play with in my opinion. But the process can either be nice or not so nice. Some balls aren’t meant to be shaved (too sensitive), but others seem as if it they were created to be as smooth and shiny as a pair of bowling balls. The maintenance is constant, which sucks. They grow back not like the soft and curly hairs we once knew, but the hard and thick ones we’re used to seeing on our dad’s mustaches. Gross.

#6) Waxing pretty much everything else.

We’ve always said the back is non-negotiable when it comes to hair, and I always agree. Nairing or Veeting too often will cause rashes and gross spots, but waxing does the job quickly and smoothly without leaving much evidence, so guys are marching in pairs to wax places and getting their backs pulled. All it takes is one Russian princess to say, “You know we also have a special on ass wax…” Twenty minutes later we’re limping away never looking better since the day we were born, but whatever, we’re going to be hot on the beach right?

#7) Having sex like porn stars thinking it’s the only way to do it.

Reenacting your favorite porn star’s moans, groans and moves shows how inexperienced you are with sex. We think we have to act like them—“Oh yeah Daddy,” “F*ck my tight hole,” “Just like that…” We sound like a broken record and it’s clear we say these things to fill the silence when we’re not enjoying it as much as we should.

Porn stars are meant to feed our imagination on a two-dimensional medium, so talk like that can be necessary when we’re trying to get off quickly. But sex is reality: he’s in front of you; his body is here within your grasp. Why tickle his imagination when you can tickle his actual penis? There aren’t any cameras, you aren’t acting, and there’s no need to exaggerate feelings—it’s not like you’re getting paid (or are you).

#8) Pretending we’re richer or more connected than we are—basically lie.

Status and image are aphrodisiacs in the gay community; we keep telling ourselves as such. We truly believe that by lying to guys about who we know, where we’re at in our careers or the things we’ve accomplished, we will be more attractive and respected. Believe me, these things might have worked at 23 (when everyone is trying to get ahead and network), but it’s not cute afterwards. It’s pathetic and everyone knows you’re lying, so it’s best to sell yourself. You and he will feel much better in the end.

#9) Feeling pressure to lead with our d*ck.

Whatever happened to “Hi, hello, my name is…” before slipping us your cock in the middle of dinner? Thanks to Grindr and other hookup apps, I can’t help but feel like gay guys are pressured to be aggressive if we want to get laid. There’s no beating around the bush, otherwise you’ll miss out on the opportunity. If you want to have sex you need to be upfront and open about it—who needs small talk?

God I miss small talk.

#10) Getting sloshed to gain short-term confidence.

Some gay guys don’t know how to handle their liquor (amateurs), but feel like in order to gain confidence they have to at least be halfway gone. Approaching guys is hard nowadays because we have ten times more reasons to judge each other than we did a decade ago. Technology has brainwashed everyone into thinking our voices matter when it comes to judging beauty—calm down sir, you’re just another profile.

We’re scared to talk to guys because we fear we aren’t good enough. We don’t think we’re good enough because we constantly see other guys who are good enough (at least in our heads) on Grindr, Tinder, porn and Instagram. We know that they know there are other more attractive options, so we get scared to even try. Cue alcohol…