"The Truth About Love And Family..."

Two Gay Texans Open Up About Building Their Dream Family
The latest in the Let Love Define family series.

In celebration of National Adoption Awareness Month, today’s Huffington Post Gay Voices RaiseAChild.US “Let Love Define Family®” series installment, explores life’s unexpected surprises. Contributing writer Eric Criswell shares the story of two especially courageous dads. 

JamesMichael Nichols
The Huffington Post
11/20/2015

Once upon a time there were two guys in Austin, Texas, both single and wondering about the future. Both dreaming of one day finding love and raising kids together. Both signed into an online chatroom (back when it was the new and cool thing to do). They talked about their jobs, their interests and their aspirations for the future. Chats turned into dates, and dates turned into moving in together. Within a year, Stephen and John were planning their commitment ceremony!

According to John, “The first gay wedding we went to was our own! And for most of our friends, this was their first gay ceremony, so we really blew it out and wanted to have the first big gay wedding in Austin!”

Both John and Stephen Wright were very active in their community and felt like they were in the first wave of people demanding things for their lives, such as the open celebration of their wedding and being able to foster and adopt children without having to defend their choices. To them, it was all simply a matter of love for each other.

Stephen says, “Sometimes we feel like the grandfathers of progress in our community, because there wasn’t a lot of that going on in public in Austin. It had just started to become public there, so we feel like we were able to blaze a trail for us and for others to follow. “

Right around the time of their commitment ceremony, the two started looking into options to grow their family. They had discussions about whether they wanted to adopt internationally or domestically; if they should explore surrogacy or use a private adoption agency.  

Ultimately they agreed to just start moving forward and have faith that the right things will happen. They started parenting classes, meeting with social workers and opening up their house for home studies. Their hopes were raised when they were close to securing an international adoption -- but it fell through at the last minute.

“We were heartbroken, but we had met a lot of kind and awesome people along the way and they were so open to us and supportive of our desire to be parents.”

The couple was surprised when they got a call from a foster/adoption agency in Chicago, which had a potential child for them. John and Stephen quickly learned that one of their social workers from the international adoption agency had recommended them.

John tells the story, “The agency said they believed they had the right child for us, and asked if we were interested. As soon as we said that we were, they told us that we had five days to get there.”

The couple flew to Chicago, met with the agency and then drove to the Children’s Hospital to meet the baby boy.

“When you’re adopting, you go into it with certain expectations. You can say you want an infant or an older child; that you want this race or that race. What we faced when we got to the hospital was that everything we thought that we wanted, was not the child that was presented to us. The boy was seven months old with some medical issues, and did we want to be an interracial family? After a few minutes we both knew one thing for sure -- none of that mattered. We were doing this because we wanted to have a child, to give him as much love as possible, and to simply be a family. Labels didn’t matter and we wanted to adopt this child immediately. As soon as we held him, with all his tubes and the potential for a lifetime of illness, Stephen and I felt nothing but love for our new son, Eli.”

It was an amazing experience, and the acceptance they felt in their community in Texas is best summed up in one word: “awesome!” Everyone was great, especially considering they were a gay, white Texan couple adopting a black baby.

After a few years they were ready for another child and began the process of fostering and adopting a brother for Eli. They agreed that they wanted a child of color because they didn’t want Eli to feel like he was the only person that looked like him in our family.

 Within a few days of finishing up their requirements for fostering, they got a call about a placement of an African-American boy who needed a home. They picked him up at the daycare and brought home a brother for Eli. Their new son, Simon, had been with a family member who could no longer care for him. About 7 months later, Simon was officially adopted and their family was complete.

“A lot of people say that we did so much for these children,” John says, “but we both believe that Eli and Simon have saved us. We could’ve had very different lives where we spent a lot of energy on ourselves, but by having children you have to be selfless, and do these things because you love these children so much. You see the world in a much different way and strive to bring more love to the world through your family. We didn’t do this for any other reason than that we just loved these kids.”

John emphasizes, “Eli and Simon are brothers in every sense! They are each other’s biggest advocates and worst enemies -- just as any siblings.” John adds, “We always get the question, ‘are they brothers?’, and when we say ‘Yes’, they usually follow up with, ‘are they brother, brothers?’ and it can be kind of annoying, but when we say ‘Yes, they’re brothers,” that usually stops the questions.”

The brothers are both happy, healthy and very close. Simon loves to find a cozy blanket and watch TV and Eli is very athletic and into all sports, especially playing basketball and football. Both are healthy and happy kids, and are surviving the joys and awkwardness of middle school.

Life unfolds in ways that you can and cannot expect. In December of 2011, Stephen was diagnosed with cancer. John explains, “The good and bad arrive at your doorstep and you just have to deal with it. Luckily, we built a home full of love and are able to face the things that life throws at us.”

Gay or not, cancer can derail a lot of things, but you have to make the best of it and face life head on. John and Stephen downsized to a smaller house, changed how they budgeted their money and John began working at the school where his kids attended so they both could have more quality time as a family.

The boys at first didn’t understand what the diagnosis meant, but now that they are older, they are dealing with it in different ways. Eli is angry at times when he thinks about losing a parent, and Simon is super nurturing, often just being next to Stephen when he is going through a particularly bad time.

“Life happens and you have to make the best of it.” Stephen adds, “It’s all about the love.”

Have you considered building a family through fostering, adopting or weekend hosting? RaiseAChild.US would like to help you. Visit us at www.RaiseAChild.US and RSVP to join us for free, fun and educational RaiseAChild.US events throughout Southern California:

            Tues., Dec. 1st            6:30PM to 8:30PM      Andaz West Hollywood Hotel

            Wed., Dec. 2nd       6:30PM to 8:30PM      The Prado at Balboa Park, San Diego

        Thur., Dec. 3rd            6:30PM to 8:30PM      The Art Theatre of Long Beach

  Sun., Dec. 13th     2:00PM to 4:00PM      Museum of Art History in Lancaster, CA      

RaiseAChild.US is the nationwide leader in the recruitment and support of LGBT and all prospective parents interested in building families through fostering and adoption to meet the needs of the 415,000 children in the foster care system. RaiseAChild.US recruits, educates, and nurtures supportive relationships equally with all prospective foster and adoptive parents while partnering with agencies to improve the process of advancing foster children to safe, loving and permanent homes. Take the next step to parenthood at www.RaiseAChild.US.