"A Little Sane Advice..."

Frightening Truth About Monogamy In Gay Relationships

Rick Clemons
November 4, 2013


Gone are the days that relationships last for any length of time, let alone a monogamous gay relationship. Really? You’re actually buying into that! Just because Mom and Dad didn’t make it, and your last two gay relationships lasted less than 24 hours, doesn’t mean your next gay relationship has to bite the big one (biting big appendages for pleasure, excluded)! Honestly boyfriend, unless you can’t take your eyes off your collection of “What’s Up?” hook-up apps disguised as “Meet Mr. Right” apps, long enough to give a real relationship a try, you’ll never experience the big “O” of being in a monogamous, intimate, relationship. Now I’ll get off my soapbox and help you explore why monogamy seems scarier than Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin in a twisted lesbian porno! Ew, and Ew!

Monogamy and gay men, on the surface, don’t seem to go together. I for one, disagree with that old stereotypical wives tale (those old wives sure do spin more “tails” than a gay escort on a Saturday night don’t they). I see you scratching your head and wondering, “Why does he disagree with what Craigslist, Grindr, Scruff, Growlr, and Jack’d have undisputedly proven? Gay men can’t be monogamous!” Capital B, Capital S with finger air quotes. Gay men can be monogamous; they simply have to choose to be tied up in a corner and untied by one guy and one guy only…their man, when it’s time to rid ‘em cowboy! Wrong! Nowhere in the gay handbook, which doesn’t exist, does it say, “Your duty as a gay man is to dip your wicky and have your candy can sucked by as many men as possible; relationship or not!”

The naked truth about monogamy is it scares the bean and cheese burrito with extra beef out of most of us! Why?

Because Monogamy means…

• Saying good-bye to your own jaded “I’m just want to stay home alone…” excuses, which actually mean, “I’m waiting for a trick and don’t want anyone to know!”
• Cracking open a pint of vulnerability and letting your guy see you sweat while you learn to be a “one man guy!”
• Facing domestic life and fearing you’ve become your parents in a twisted way.
• Carving out time on your calendar to be with friends who tease you about your “puritanical lifestyle…no condoms required!”
• Wondering how soon it will be before you have to ask your doctor for an unlimited refill prescription of Viagra, because being with one Tom, Dick, and Harry takes more than love to get it up!
• Climbing into the same bed, with the same guy, day in, day out doesn’t sound fun or exciting.
• He may think you’re bored in the relationship if you want to watch porn.
• Feeling like a caged animal, with a chastity belt, a fantasy that’s the wrong reality.
• Potentially your one step closer to parenthood. Potentially!
• 7:00 p.m., Saturday night, missionary style, sex with socks and pajama tops on is a nightmare come to life!
• In reality, monogamy means what monogamy means to you, and how you choose to be in relationship. Screw anyone and those crazy making voices in your head that tell you monogamy sucks.

Monogamy doesn’t suck because…

• You and he really value being with each other, and only each other.
• Condom-free, bareback sex, could be a possibility that enhances sex, even if it is with the same guy over and over again.
• Unwanted text messages no longer show up at the most inopportune times.
• A monogamous life has as many possibilities as an open relationship, provided you make it that way.
• Whatever definition of “monogamy” the two of you decide upon is what works for you.
• There’s no more waking up, rolling over, and saying, “WTF is that in my bed?” unless your man got all dolled up in drag or leather for the pure shock value and the look on your face.
• It’s not a death sentence for your sex life. You actually might find yourself saying, “Let’s explore our own ‘50 Shades of Gay’ without worries.”
• Real friends may tease you about your “chastity belt lifestyle,” and in the next breath they’ll admit how envious they are you’ve got what they want.
• A monogamous relationship is what you always wanted, you’ve got your hearts desire, and you’re being true to yourself.
• There’s still plenty of room to be “Home Alone,” watch porn, live out your fantasies, build up tasty sweat, and get creative about climbing into the same bed, with the same guy, day after day. All you gotta do is BELIEVE!

Go ahead. Stake your claim! Done your monogamy cape, and be the super hero of your own life. If it doesn’t work out, there’ll be an app developed soon for the recovering monogamists. I know, because I just bought stock in it!

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"Fear Eats the Soul"