"A Little Sane Advice..."

The Reasons Why Gay Men Suck at Dating

Jerry Plaza
April 30, 2014


The older we get in life the more pressure we have in finding a stable relationship. For single gay guys around the world, it can get personal real quick. With every passing year, more and more people begin to look at us with judgmental assumptions as to why we haven’t found a man. Certainly something must be wrong with us.

The truth of the matter is gay dating has turned into an endless competition with ourselves and the people around us. So much so that we’ve forgotten what’s important. With endless voices reminding us what we’re missing, boyfriends have become the number one accessory of the 21st century.

I’ve seen countless of gay guys obsessed with the idea of being in a relationship, yet so many of them don’t actually want it when they find it. It’s the “idea” around it which makes them feel complete, not the practice. With so many hot guys shaking their tails in the gayborhoods and on TV, it’s quite easy to get distracted the minute another enters our peripheral. Finding and settling down with a guy not only takes discipline, but a conscious decision – probably the most complex we’ll ever make. But if done right, it doesn’t seem like work at all.

Access to information has made us more picky, jealous and snoopy than ever before. But regardless of the high-tech age we’re in, we’re still plain old human beings looking for someone to connect with. Most of the time, the only person that’s preventing us from achieving what we want is us. But here are a few problems I’ve discovered in the process:

Gay Guys Are Boys Until They Turn 30 

It’s easy to stay a boy forever when you’re a gay man. The parties never end and the drinks are constantly pouring at every corner bar in the gayborhood. Even if we’re settling nicely in the job of our dreams, turning our adversities into gold and shaping ourselves into a man of character, our “twenties” seem to last longer than anyone else’s. Most gay guys in the dating scene today don’t envision themselves getting married or having kids until they’re 30-something. For those who want it before, you’re probably out of luck so you might as well use this time for what it is.

We all have different versions of what a successful relationship is. The good news is, unlike women, there’s no need to rush into having a family. For those who feel like they do, stop fooling yourselves. You have much more time than you think – don’t look at your life on a spectrum of deadlines.

We Refuse To Sacrifice Anything

When you decide to settle down with someone, there’s always a sacrifice to be made. Most serial monogamists are too busy focusing on landing the next man they often sacrifice their identity. For guys who’ve been single all their lives, it’s the opposite. They treasure their alone time so much that the thought of sacrificing it for someone else terrifies them.

We’re always sacrificing something in this regard, whether we’re single or in a relationship. In a way we both lose, but depending on how you look at it, we also both win. The trick is finding a person who’s worth the sacrifice. It’s not easy giving time, attention, affection, sex, commitment and responsibilities to someone else. But relationships are about compromise. Though it might seem hot and steamy in the movies, the average film is only two hours long. Compare that to a longterm relationship full of ups, downs, and turnarounds.

We’re Too Afraid Of Feeling Vulnerable 

The dating community – online and offline – is so afraid of looking or feeling vulnerable it’s difficult to make the first move about being honest with our feelings. Because of this, it’s much harder to surpass the first step.
We’re not in junior high anymore. There’s no need to lay your head down and turn bashful when a cute guy smiles, or roll your eyes and pretend you didn’t notice. Conjure up the confidence to show the world how unserious you take yourself. We’re human beings and we relate most to people who remind us of that, not ones who constantly try to have a wall.

We’re Unclear Of Our Intentions

A lot of us are looking for sex while the minority is looking to settle down, and we hardly find it out which one it is until we’re already emotionally invested. Because most gay men leap into sex after the first or second date, any motivation behind the actual date becomes blurred. Even if he calls or texts you the next day, there is still always a question in the back of your mind. Was I just a booty call or was it something more? We’re too afraid to ask since it might make us look needy, so we usually brush it off. If we are out in the open from the get go, we might save ourselves a lot anxiety down the road.

We’ve Become Nomadic 

In case you haven’t noticed, the price of airfare has never been cheaper and more accessible. Since a lot of gay men, especially in their twenties, have nothing holding them down, i.e. kids, this generation has become much more goal-oriented. We want to move away, travel and achieve big dreams. Not that there’s anything wrong with the idea, but it sure does put a damper on anyone who might see a future with you. Most of the people I’ve met on the scene plan on being in the city only within the next year or so. Whenever you hear something like this, it’s easy to filter not only your emotions, but any relationship potential outside of sex. What’s wrong with staying still for a bit?

Money Rules Our Emotional Availability 

There are so many people with debt nowadays, especially those in their twenties and thirties. It rules over us like a dark cloud and usually prevents us from making beneficial decisions, including love. If someone is packing 80 grand worth of debt they can’t afford to pay back, it’s clear they’re going to be a little closed off – whether consciously or unconsciously.

Even if they have a “real job” instead of the normal assistant level jobs a lot of us tend to carry for years, most people with debt tend to think more about paying rent than having a boyfriend who wants to go out to dinner, to the movies or even to a cheap happy hour they can’t afford. Money makes the world go round, but it also affects our psyche in more ways than we think. Either be patient or make the appropriate steps towards fixing both aspects of your life.

Hookup Apps Are Becoming The Norm 

Whether you like it or not, it’s rare to find a gay man in their twenties or thirties who doesn’t have a naked pic floating around somewhere in the cyber waves. Most of my friends and I had our first sexual encounters via online. Today, teenagers are doing it through mobile apps like Grindr. When you’re still in the closet these types of things can be your refuge, except for most it’s become a tool that helps them stay closeted.

These teenagers will one day grow up to be 30, 40 and 50. In ten years, hookup apps will morph into God knows what. But until then, they will only become more popularized as more users join the fun, even straight people. These gadgets are here to stay whether you think so or not. The only thing we can do is to make a personal choice to beat it or join it.

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"Fear Eats the Soul"