"The Truth Is Sometimes Hard To Hear..."

Lee Suckling: Why Do Gay Men Act Like Teenagers?

December 10, 2014

The ability to get married as a gay man is a blessing many of us never dreamed possible.

Among the hundreds of congratulations I received when I got married last month, was an unexpected one from an older gay gentleman. "You're so brave," he said. "I can't imagine why two men would want to get married."

It took my husband and I a while to figure out what he meant. Why wouldn't two men want to get married? If they love each other, and are legally able, is that really so brave? A lightbulb then went on as we recalled the book The Velvet Rage, which looks at overcoming the pain of growing up gay. Commitment, this book says, isn't in the gay DNA - or at least it never used to be.

When Gay Liberation was kicking off in the late 1960s, non-conformity to heteronormative traits - marriage and monogamy being two of them - was part of the culture. This was a culture of freedom, of youth, and of possibilities. "Growing up" and getting married didn't fit into that very well.

In the lead up to my wedding, I'd started to realise there was a certain adolescence I was letting go of. What I didn't quite comprehended, until I thought that older gentleman's comment through, was that such an adolescence isn't something a lot of gay men want to let of go of.

Nor do they have to. Our culture permits - even encourages - an eternal Peter Pan syndrome whereby we can choose to remain young and free at heart. And we do the best we can to keep our physicality in such a state too.

I'm not the first to call this the "gaydolescence", but this isn't a common term. I can't speak for the rest of the LGBT spectrum, but for gay men, we're allowed a much longer lease on youth than our straight counterparts.

Until marriage equality came around, gay men were relieved of the pressures of having to couple up, move to a nice suburban neighbourhood, and spawn children to carry on the cycle.

For the most part, the gaydolescence comes from being denied a legitimate adolescence in our teenage years. Even gay teens who grow up in the most liberal of environments have a good few years of finding out who they are. For those that aren't so lucky, the years 13 through to 18, and often beyond, are riddled with confusion and isolation (past the appreciation of most heterosexual coming-of-age experiences).

The consequence of this is often young gay men don't partake - and actively distance themselves - from the adolescent experiences of teenage love, sex, even good friendships. Both implicitly via societal norms and explicitly by schoolyard bullies, gay teenagers are more likely to miss out almost entirely on the education of adolescence. They're perennially relegated to the sidelines as observers, shallow stereotypes, and outcasts.

While usually there are others to blame for this (like the aforementioned bullies), gay men only realise in later years that the onus was on them to have a proper adolescence, and we built up protective barriers of our own which prevented it. The fall out effect of this becomes apparent when we accept who we are, at 18, 22, or sometimes 30 or older, and then we become 16 year old boys all over again.

Sex drives ramp up. We join a party culture that doesn't stop for anything. We date around and finally get the sexual education we missed out on (and then some).

It's obvious that gaydolescence extends to some gay mens' physical appearance, too. Buffed up from the gym like the athletes we wanted to be in high school, we're finally able to enjoy the prime years of ultimate fitness and boysie banter we were once denied. We try to stop time in other ways as well; notably in our skincare and hair regimes, and our wardrobe choices. Only on gay men is it still acceptable to wear hi-tops and tank tops at 38.

For some guys, the gaydolescence never really ends. Others might drag it out until their mid-40s when they realise a the benefits of a prolonged adolescence are no longer outweighed by the effort it takes. But for the gay men coupling up and getting married early-ish in life (myself included) our gaydolescence isn't even going to last into our 30s.

My enduring gaydolescence may be over. But that's not to say I'm going to get fat. I'm not throwing out my tank tops, nor do I plan to stop having fun. I'm married, not dead, and there are some things I have now - things I never had as a teenager - that I'll never give up.

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I was very surprised by the reactions that many had to this article as it made the rounds of the internet. Many commenters took the author to task and openly dismissed his thoughts and observations.  Having read them myself, I agree with him... Not only have I made the same observations, but I came to the same conclusions about why they're true.

Sometimes the truth is hard to hear, but truth will always set you free...

"Fear Eats the Soul"