"The Truth Tonight..."

I really love movies, they’ve been my “great escape,” especially when life was not going well and my mind was troubled or whenever I was lamenting being sad and alone. In fact, for most of my life, going to the movies was one of the few things I’d do by myself without it troubling me that I was alone. Although I was always mindful of all the couples in the theater with me, I’d look on them and for brief moments live vicariously through them, imagining that I too was there with someone I loved in the shared darkness of the auditorium. But then when Stephen came into my life, suddenly the experience of going to the movies took on a new dimension… Finally, I knew why people go as couples, and it was as wonderful as I had imagined it to be. So now, I can’t bear the thought of going alone, I’m haunted by the memories of being beside him, feeling the warmth of him whom I loved next to me… feeling his hand brush against mine… laughing with him, sharing all the emotions that the movies evoke.

Going to the movies and sometimes to dinner was about the only thing Stephen and I ever did that was like a “date.” Many times I wanted us to do more “couple things” like going to the museum (which we did once here in Detroit), or to a concert or just to look at the Christmas lights during the holidays. But Stephen didn’t want to do those things; he only wanted to stay at home when we were together, although he did things on his own and with others while I waited for him. But on those nights when we were together I always tried to make the best of it. I would make those nights a date for us… I’d cook wonderful meals for him, make his favorite snacks and drinks and hold him in my arms for hours as he slept in my lap in front of the television. Most of the time, I felt like the best kept secret in his life. In three years, I was introduced to just two of his friends. After a while, he didn’t even want to go to the movies or out to dinner much, but I didn’t care, I loved him and wanted him to be happy… whatever he wanted became what I wanted.



Last September, a film called “Fireproof” came out and I knew it was something we needed to see together… I realized it would help him understand what was missing in our relationship. I suggested we go see it many times, but he wouldn’t agree to go with me. One night, when I was angry with him, I went by myself and I discovered just as I thought, that although the film wasn’t written for us (SGL couples), it was nevertheless about us too. I knew if Stephen could see it, he’d realize how we needed to change to be happy. For nearly a month, I literally begged him to go see it with me. I even asked him to go see it alone. He refused and he never did… That he could refuse me such a small thing was very hurtful and it crushed my spirit. He would say, “I love you,” and in the next breath deny me such trivial things that could bring me happiness… I never understood that. Now, as I’m lying here alone in the bed we shared, I can remember every film we saw together, including the one’s I didn’t want to see but happily went along to because he wanted to see them. I sometimes feel like my life with Stephen Christopher Harris has been like a bad movie, the kind you walk out on halfway through… and more than once, I’ve nearly “walked out,” on life that is...

“Fear Eats the Soul”