"Haunted in the night..."

I’ve been haunted in the night by visions of Stephen’s cars…perhaps it’s because of all the news about the auto industry in the last few days. Stephen has had a Chrysler Pacifica, a Jeep Cherokee and a Mercedes during the time I’ve known him… just the sight of any of these car models on the road is enough to remind me of him.

I first saw his car at the end of our first date in August 2006. I met Stephen Christopher Harris in person for the first time at the Metro Grill in the Fisher Building. After a wonderful dinner, where almost instantly, we seemed like old friends, even lovers, the evening came to an end. When we left the restaurant, I asked him over to my car which was parked across the street from the entrance. I had brought him a gift, a gold box of assorted candy bars. He smiled as he took it from my hand and I asked where he’d parked. He said around the corner, so I offered to drive him to his car. He got in and I drove him to where he’d “hidden” his car, it was a silver Chrysler Pacifica.

Later that fall, Stephen got a new car. By this time, we were very much in love (I know I was). He’d asked me what cars I thought he should look at. I gave him my suggestions and he said he wanted me to go with him to look. Though I was at the ready to go, he never followed through on his asking me to go with him. This was an early disappointment. The new car was a black Cherokee. I saw it for the first time when I went to pick him up for a date. By the following fall, during our separation, I was working as a consultant and traveling all over the country and in Canada as well. When I’d be on the road, the sight of a black Cherokee would always elicit a silent, “I love you, Dearest” in my heart. During this time, sometimes he’d take my calls, at other times, I was ignored, but I continued to love him… I continued to wait for him.

The Mercedes came after (during) the reconciliation last summer. On the weekend he got the car, he’d come to see me, or so he told me. But when my father and I picked him up from the airport, he told me “the main reason I came was to get my new car.” This hurt my feelings, since he’d been declaring his love for me again and I had bought his ticket to Detroit that weekend. But I loved him, so like everything else, I forgave it. I loaned him my car for the day while I worked. Later, when I got home, he apologized for saying the main reason he came was for the car, although it was the truth. I drove him back to the dealership that evening to bring back his new Mercedes. He was going to Germany for work that week and he left the car with me for the two weeks he was gone. I tended it, but didn’t drive it. Now, it’s the sight of a black Mercedes that haunts me on the highway… It reminds me of the “Day Without Gay…”

December 10th 2008 was supposed to be “The Day Without Gay,” gays everywhere were supposed to stay home from work in protest of the California Marriage proposition’s passing. Stephen would never have participated in such an event, although I was open to the idea. But, the day before, he and I had had a terrible argument about his lying and deceiving ways. We hardly slept that night. That morning, neither of us stirred until late in the morning, we just laid in bed together in wide awake silence. When I reminded him of his promises to me, the argument resumed. He got angry and got up saying he was through with life and was going to commit suicide. I told him I was tired of living this way too and would join him. We both showered and dressed. We both put on black suits. I wrote a letter to my family and when he came downstairs; we went out to the garage and got in the Mercedes. We rolled down the windows, Stephen started the car, and we sat there waiting for carbon monoxide to do its work.

Stephen put in a CD from his Bible on CD set. I had seen the CD set before, it was where he hid his CDs of his sex pictures. I discovered them innocently enough one day, and when I looked at them, I saw the proof of what he’d lied to me about, saying Charles Kelly’s accusations about sex parties and various other things were untrue. But I never told him I’d seen them, I just forgave his lies. But as we sat in the car that morning of December 10th, I remembered them and began to question him about what I’d seen.

He began to cry and then said, “I can’t do this.” He turned off the engine and got out of the car. He went in the house… But I’d had all I could stand. I closed the door, went back to the car, started it and waited again. About half an hour later, he discovered what I was doing. He came to the car in a panic… at first I thought it was because he truly cared about me (and perhaps he did), but later I realized that it was more because he didn’t want to have to explain his role in what I was doing. I’d seen that side of him before, on Sunday, June 17th, 2007 when he told me to kill myself after an argument.

I refused to turn off the car or unlock the door for him and he went back inside the house. A short time later, he came and opened the garage door and then went back inside again. I got out, closed the garage door, turned off the circuit breaker to the door openers and then started the car again. He came out once again and discovering what I’d done, pleaded with me to turn the car off and come inside. He said he loved me and was sorry for all he’d done to make us so unhappy. I listened and after a while, my attitude changed and I unlocked the door of the car. He got in, turned off the engine, and came around to the other side and took me into the house.

We never spoke of that day again, but as it happened, it was a fitting day for our mutual suicide attempt. It was on “The Day Without Gay” and he was missing from work, no call, no show. I remember as we were getting dressed, his colleagues were calling on the phone as he had an international meeting and conference call scheduled for that morning, but he refused to answer it. Later that afternoon, I heard him call the office to say he’d been sick that morning. I think we’re both still “sick” in a way… This is one of those mornings when I wish he’d been brave enough to leave me in the car, for I surely would have left this world for a happier place that day.