"And The Truth Shall Set You Free..."

I Am Gus

By Wendle Whiting,
Aspen Daily News Columnist
January 28, 2016

Everyone has their own journey through life. When you are born you are gifted an amazing and complex vehicle to use: your body. Life itself powers your trip, and if you are careful, lucky, and wise, you’ll have enough fuel to get to the end of this marvelous journey. There are few rules to follow. However, there is one absolute — the voyage has a beginning and there will be an end.

Wendell Whiting says he was inspired
to come out by Gus Kenworthy

You can travel from point to point, visiting the sites of life solo, capturing memories and moving on. After each visit an item is ticked off your list. Alone these experiences are like passing the mile markers on a desolate highway; each one means the end is closer but each mile looks like the last. But at the same time you may witness other travelers, paired together, finding joy in companionship. Perhaps the greatest of human experiences during this journey is finding a travel partner. Without love, the journey is mundane.

For some of these solo travelers, love is inhibited. They are born with a body that is only attracted to other adventurers of the same gender, consequently love is avoided; they can’t risk being seen as a defective person. This stigma finds its source from both an internal confusion and shame, and from the external intimidation by much of society. However, the unique travelers had no choice about the body they were destined to start their journey with. If you are a humanist, it is a destiny determined by the genes given to them when their parents had a special layover on their journeys together. If you are spiritual, it is a destiny given them by higher powers.

You don’t get to choose your body. That’s a rule. The way you live life is to either acknowledge the truth of your existence, or hide. There is an eventuality though to the decision to hide: One day near the end of your journey you will look back and ask yourself, “For what reason did I deny myself the greatest experience of human life?” And then the trip will come to its inevitable end without a chance for a do-over. The opportunity to experience the greatest gift of life — love, will be missed.

That’s sad… and that is the story of my journey so far. I’m going to change that right now.

I am gay.

Today begins the rest of my journey. I simply cannot count down any more lonely days to the final mile of my trip.

There is one person that bears the most responsibility for motivating me to finally do what is right: Gus Kenworthy.

Today, Gus begins competing for the biggest prize of the extreme sports world, an X-Games gold, and it’s the first time he’ll be doing it as an openly gay man. I’ve followed his story closely since he came out on the cover of ESPN magazine. A fellow Coloradan from a mountain town, his story was relatable and much of what he said then, and since, resonated with me. Gus posted a picture of himself the day of his announcement exposing genuine tears of relief and joy. You can see in his eyes the great good he did for himself, and he described that moment as feeling as if the weight of the world was finally lifted from his shoulders. Every time I try to talk myself out of writing this column that picture reminds me of what is at stake.

Gus has given a gigantic push to his peers, and this generation, toward realizing that the stereotypes that defined gay people for so long are not the reality. Gus is making it easier for others by showing the world that he’s not a flawed human being. He’s a successful extreme athlete, and gay. So what? His honesty about living closeted and his reasons for choosing to do so are unique to him, and that’s the most poignant point: they are unique to each of us, and almost always difficult.

Gus knew that when he came out the world’s interest would be piqued. Our culture has become obsessed with other people’s business, especially when they are breaking molds, but he gathered the courage and did it anyway. He sacrificed what would have been his own private experience, if only he had been just another kid from a small town in Colorado whom the world didn’t know.

He’s shown class, composure and bravery with his very public coming out, but mainly he’s shown that he’s just a normal guy. That makes it easier for others, like me, who are 
struggling with our own lot in life. We now see that the world is accepting him as just another regular ski bro. The world hasn’t ended. And Gus is clearly happier.

One part of Gus’ story offers a bit of insight into why I have waited so long to seek peace and acceptance with my existence; here our stories diverge significantly. While my life and what I do with it is my own business, I will share this one story as reasoning of the shame I’ve held so tightly. I feel like I owe a lot of people at least a little explanation. I anticipate the only negative response to this column will be from people who are going to be upset with me for not being honest until now, because they deeply care about my happiness.

Gus’ first experience with a man was with his friend. They were drunk, and Gus thought he’d make a move on him and if it went badly he’d just play it off as having had too much to drink. The friend ended up reciprocating the pass and they ended up in a five-year relationship together.

I had nearly the exact same experience during college. Except it didn’t end well. He was my greatest friend; in fact, he was the greatest friend I’ve ever had, we had been inseparable for years… and he essentially never spoke to me again. I ran away.

I tried to escape my feelings by moving here, to Aspen. I walled off my emotions, became stoic and just let time bring me closer to the end. Like a fugitive, I hid my secret deep in my heart. Over time, it just became the way I was. I forgot what love feels like.

The “best” years of my life kind of came and went, and now here I am, alone, and leaving those prime years behind. Gus’ story catalyzed the introspection that lead me to the question: Why am I cheating myself out of happiness? For what crazy reason am I choosing to do this to myself?

And the answer to those questions is that there is no good reason anymore. The simple fact is I don’t want to throw away my life. If I want to find love again, I’m going to have to risk it all or never have it.

Having been pushed toward sanity by Gus’ example, I recently began telling my closest friends. My hope was that there would be a flash of catharsis, and after a good deep cry, I would have that moment where I too feel like the weight of the world is lifted from my shoulders. So far that has not been my experience. I feel disassociated from what is happening and the weight is still there.

I thought, then, maybe the weight remained because I had no plans to tell my family. I was raised in a deeply religious environment. Not one particularly intolerant, but uncomfortable enough to make me feel like the last thing I should expose to my family was my deeply held belief that I was flawed. So maybe being honest to my closest friends, but not my family, wasn’t enough for my soul to feel free.

However, I rationalized that after all these years of being silent and isolated that the worst that could happen if I told my mother and brother was that they would never speak to me again, and that wasn’t a bad enough consequence to justify spending the rest of my life miserable. So I told them, and their response was a collective shrug of “whatever.” So now I am just left with one feeling: anger.

I am so angry with myself for thinking that this mattered to anyone I knew anymore. Times changed; but I didn’t.

Still, having told my mother and brother the truth, the two people whom I thought would be the hardest, I wasn’t relieved of the weight of the world… not entirely, but there was something tangible happening.

And I know now what is left to do to finally find my peace. I have to tell the rest of my family.

Aspen you are my family.

I’m sorry I lied to you all these years. I’m sorry I felt shame for being something that no one in this community would ever hold against me. Aspen is a unique and special place, and no matter how many stupid banks it builds it will always be the place I’m most proud to call home. I have faith that because I am now able to tell you the truth, today will be the day that brings me the liberation I need to finish what’s left of my journey. Without any more rules I may finally open my heart again to finding someone to share, and finish, my life’s journey.

Thanks for everything Gus. Good luck. I hope that without the weight of the world on your shoulders, you are able to sing out loud higher above the ground than ever before. The rest of the world will see that life’s adventure shouldn’t be held back by the body you are given at the beginning of life’s journey, it should be propelled. You will finally stand at the top of that hill and not have to hide that your companion is at the finish waiting to tell you, “I love you.” No matter what happens.

Wendle can be reached at @edquess or wendle@wendlewhiting.org

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"Fear Eats the Soul"

"The Views To Love..."

Love's promise...

"The Truth About Who We Are..."

Henri and Maxime, Brussels, Belgium by thegaymenproject

photos by Kevin Truong, Maxime (left) and Henri (righ)

photo by Kevin Truong, Maxime (right) and Henri (left)

Henri, in his own words:"To me, being gay doesn't mean anything per se, except considering my sexual orientation : I have always seen myself as an ordinary person, a human being like millions of past, present and future others, with the same potential, the same basic personality. Yet I am aware of belonging to a minority, a fact that has its positive and its negative sides. The positive side is that I got more sensitive to racial prejudice and to any form of discrimination, and that I am strongly against labeling : nobody should be reduced to a formula. The negative side is the awareness of being obliged to justify our being gay, to defend ourselves against fear and hostility.

The first challenge was to live in a happy couple, since I didn't imagine myself remaining single. But living with someone proved not to be simple. I was not always prone to compromise, to change ideas or to accept my wrongs. Yet there we are, Maxime and I, happily together for nearly 45 years, glad to share everything that is essential to both of us, and to plan our future life.

Another challenge was to be successful in my professional life, and I was, thanks to personal endeavours but also to chance to a certain extent.

The third challenge, or was it just a wish, was to be surrounded by a web of close friends and sincere relationships. With the help of Maxime, it has been a success.

I never said bluntly “I am gay” to my parents, but they knew Maxime and understood how close to each other we were, so when I told them that we were going to live together, things were clear. At first, my father said he was concerned about the honourability of our family, but I knew that both he and my mother would never reject their son. Later, when after some years our couple turned out to be stable and happy, they showed their affection to both of us and my father supported our marriage quite willingly (my mother had unfortunately died in the 80's). My sister and my brother-in-law were at first reluctant to accept homosexuality, but they soon overcame their reserve and have always been in very good terms with both of us. Their son has known Maxime since he was born and never questioned our relationship or our sexual orientation. Recently, during a family lunch, when he was about 10 y.o., one of his sons asked if Maxime and I were a couple, and when I answered yes, he said “then you are in love with each other ?”, and I said yes again, but he added “but isn't that bizarre, two men together ?”. I told him that it wasn't, the best proof being that nobody cared. He seemed satisfied, and never changed his attitude toward us.

In my professional life, I decided, without being necessarily explicit with everybody, not to conceal my private life. I think it gave me more strength to remain true to myself and proved to be the best attitude.

To my friends I decided to be completely open, and if I lost some (but none I cared most for) because I did, I decided not to have any regret.

We don't know if Brussels is the liveliest place in Europe, but there are enough opportunities to meet people, enough cultural and sports activities for gays with all tastes, as well as bars, sauna's or more. Some friends from abroad find people here less sophisticated than in big cities like Paris, but we can't really judge. Belgian citizens are fairly open and being gay is widely accepted. Yet it might be a problem being gay in a very few neighbourhoods with a majority of migrants, especially Muslims. But there are certainly conservative Christian or Jewish circles where being gay is a real problem too.

(Advice to my younger self) Study hard, exploit your capacities, don't be afraid nor naïve, act towards people like you would like them to act towards you, never fail to pay homage to liberty, equality and fraternity, be tolerant, open and respectful to anyone but be firm in your convictions, hold on to your critical sense and never let anybody nor any book tell you how you should think and what you should believe."

Maxime, in his own words: "Being gay means being what I am and being honest about it. If some people don't approve, sorry it's their problem, not mine.

Of course we are lucky to live in a society where that is possible. I always think it's so sad when we meet young people who can't live freely, have a relationship or simply have sex because of the stupidity of the world around them.

Being gay was a tremendous opening on the world. You realize that being different can be OK and you yourself will think twice before judging other people. Practically, it gave me and my lover/now husband a life so much richer with friends from all colours and cultures. At 69, soon 70, I don't regret a minute of my gay life. I must say I shared that life with someone I have loved for 45 years and whom I still love more every day. Some people say that love becomes affection when you get older. Maybe, but the love part hasn't disappeared as far as I'm concerned.

I'd say the main challenge has been to build a happy relationship with Henri day after day, which is probably not always easy, although I sometimes think we were meant and programmed to go through life together. Even our differences and our errors have taught us so much. Where would be the fun if we were completely alike with no flaws ?

Another challenge in my life was of course my profession but that's not the subject. I did a job I liked and I was well paid for it. I even had the luxury to work with people from all over Europe which was another source of enrichment.

What was important too was not to live centred on ourselves and to try to add our little stone to the temple of humanity ; we don't belong to a particular religion, but we strongly believe that it is important to have values and to fight for them at every possible level. The French motto « Liberty, Equality, Fraternity » is an ideal that should at least be striven for even if we know it will never be attained. And of course we ourselves have always shown concern about that ideal applied to gays all over the world.

I must have felt I was gay around 14 or 15, that means at the end of the fifties and at the beginning of the sixties. Things were not so easy at that time. Homosexuality was still condemned by law in most European countries. Moreover my parents were no intellectuals and were not prepared to have a gay son. Although I myself accepted the fact quite easily -maybe I had no morals- I didn't come out at school or at the university. At least I never pretended to have girlfriends. With the exception of two minor episodes when I was still in college, my sexual life started at the university but with boys I met in bars not in the class rooms. My stays abroad, especially in Holland and in Germany (I recommend Munich), to improve my language knowledge were also an excellent opportunity to let off steam.

As soon as I started working with people who on the whole were quite liberal, I became more and more open and came out to my parents very quickly after I met Henri. That was in 1970. I brought him for lunch to my father and mother (separately since they were divorced) without making great speeches. It probably didn't take them long to understand. Luckily neither Henri nor me come from very religious families. And after let's say three or four years we were more and more considered as a part of the family. Since then, nobody whether it be family or colleagues would ever have thought to invite one of us without the other. The whole world around us knew we were a couple and treated us as such. Maybe some people didn't approve but we live in a world of political correctness be it in Belgium or at our workplace and nobody would have dared to express a direct disapproval.

(Advice to my younger self) Advice? Don't follow any advice! Think things over honestly! Live your life! And let's hope it turns out as well again. If I were cruised by Henri in another life, I think I'd fall for him again and would be ready to start all over."

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"Fear Eats the Soul"

"The Artist's Corner..."

"Adventures of the Mind"

Mixed media

Brendon Sanborn

"Gay PDA Is Okay!"

"It's Just Love... Live Fearlessly"

PDA: Public display of affection

"The Views To Love..."

Love is a journey to life fulfilled...

"The Truth About Love..."

It is a wonderful subduer, this need of love--this hunger of the heart--as peremptory as that other hunger by which Nature forces us to submit to the yoke, and change the face of the world.

- George Eliot

"It's Black History Month..."

This is Frederick Douglas

Frederick Douglas is widely regarded as the most influential Black Americans of the 19th Century.  Today he was honored as a Google Doodle on the first day of Black History Month.

Here are 5 interesting facts about the life of Frederick Douglas:

1. His Autobiography ‘Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass, an American Slave’ Was a Bestseller

2. Douglass Was the First African-American Nominated for Vice President of the United States

3. He Escaped From Slavery

4. Underground Railroad Member Anna Murray-Douglass Was His Longtime Wife

5. Douglass Was an Early Supporter of the Women’s Rights Movement

Learn more here: Wikipedia - Frederick Douglas

"Adam and Andy..."

I love James Asal's "Adam and Andy" strip

Married life really is like this.

Visit "Adam and Andy" here

"Same Gender Loving People - No. 2256"

"The Goal Of Love Is A Life Together..."

Positive images of people like me... The truth of the matter is that we all need to see people like ourselves. So everyday, I'll post a photo, drawing or some other artwork that depicts Same Gender Loving People as what we are... Only Human.

"The Truth About Who We Are..."

Flavio, Photographer, São Paulo, Brazil by thegaymenproject

photos by Kevin Truong

Flavio, in his own words: "Wow... tough one this first question...I guess that being gay means being normal, just like being straight. Of course that being gay in today's world means that you are very likely to face a few challenges that, in theory, straight people wouldn't face. But I truly don't feel different just because I'm a man who likes men. I guess I used to feel different when I was younger, but, to be honest, looking back now, I actually believe that this feeling doesn't necessarily have to do with being gay - I'm just a bit like a fish out of water in the way I behave, think, etc. Yes, being gay might have played a part in this as it meant feeling awkward when I was a kid/teenager but, truth be told, if it wasn't for the bullying, the awkwardness probably would not have any sort of link with my sexual orientation.

On one hand, yes, being gay means that you are a part of a smaller group in today's society and therefore it'd be naive to believe that people would treat you like they treat everyone else. Humans tend to respond to everything that is "different" in a very peculiar way (aggressive and negative at most times, unfortunately). But, on the other hand, I couldn't think of a better time to "be gay" (if that makes sense). We're not coming out as a group, we are out already. And we have a lot of respect from a lot of people, exactly because they recognize what a battle we had to go through to stand where we are. If we still have a lot to "conquer" in terms of respect, understanding and civil rights? Hell yeah. I speak as a Brazilian gay who comes from a very open minded family. But I know it's a completely different story in other places, even in my country. But then I'm just being as positive as I can: I'm looking to the glass and I'm thinking it is half full, and not half empty. It will take ages for society to make it a full glass and for everyone to truly accept that not every man desires a woman, but I remember when my generation (at least in Brasil) came out when we were teenagers and what a nightmare that was generally. I have friends that really went through a living hell in their parents' houses. And I'm not saying that nowadays is an easy thing to do, but we progressed so, so much. 10-15 years ago it was a completely different story.

In terms of challenges, I'm happy to say that the only big "problem" I had for being gay was the fact that I was quite bullied at school. And what an irony: I didn't even know that I was gay. Kids can be horrible... But a lot of children go through bullying and of course it's not always because they're gay. So maybe I would have suffered from this situation anyway, even If I wasn't a homossexual. I like to believe that I did quite well for someone who really had a disgusting experience at school for such a long period of time (I remember being called nasty things even after high school). I tend to be a bit aggressive, which is a negative aspect of my personality, but it's how I managed to "survive" and it must be said that this fierceness has helped me so much in so many fields of my life. So no, I wouldn't change any of the things I went through as a little boy. The cliche is true: what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? I know people that are still dealing with these demons from their childhoods, but I think I already overcame this in a healthy way: I don't hate people, children, men, society, etc etc. I am very aware of the cruelty that exists in the world, but this perception has only made me more sensitive to the ones that are outcasts in society. I'd say that's my real success in terms of being gay: the awareness and sensibility towards the others

The gay community in São Paulo is quite diverse at the moment. I think there's a little treat for everyone... Of course there's the typical "gay scene" that kinda looks like "Queer as Folk", but then there's the hipster scenario, the fancy gays, etc etc. We do have the biggest Gay Parade in the world, but I don't think most of us are what you would expect from a militant, you know? The parade is just one big crazy day for everyone really... Our community is very Grindr/Tinder-driven at the moment, but very hypocritical when it comes to being open about promiscuous sex. Maybe it is a brazilian thing... we have naked people in tv adverts, soap operas, etc, but we're still a very conservative country somehow. I lived in London for 3 years and I remember being surprised with the way gay man would live their sexual lives. Even in the clubbing scene: it is ok for a man to go to a kinky club in Europe. Here in Brasil it's something you probably wouldn't do or wouldn't share, even with some of your closest friends. It's seems silly to me...

Coming out wasn’t a big thing for me. I mean: it did take me ages to do so. I was 19 when I first told a dear friend of mine, who was out already. But once I did it, I just felt free (I guess that’s what most gay man experience, right?) and ended up telling everyone one, including my family and they were quite supportive I’d say. I had never kissed anyone before that (not even a girl), so I guess the biggest problem I had wasn't being gay, but being a complete weirdo in that sense. Obviously coming out opened doors and possibilities and it didn't take a lot of time for me to eventually snog someone. Yes, it was a man I think that if I had not gone through bullying at school, coming out could have happened earlier... but who knows??? Maybe the fact that kids used to call me "gay" helped me realise that they were right after all... those bitches... lol...

If I could give an advice to myself before I came out I'd say: you know you are an amazing person behind this big fear of yours, so be brave and show the world and yourself how strong you can be, otherwise you'll never truly be "complete". It doesn't have to do with being gay and hooking up with other man, though that's a big part of it and quite pleasurable... It has to do with being yourself entirely and letting go of the worst fear of them all: the fear of being happy ps. let us not forget that that's what the word "gay" means."

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"Fear Eats the Soul"

"The Artist's Corner..."

"Jogger Triptych "

Oil on canvas

Yvon Goulet