"I Am Always Remembering..."

As a boy, I was mercilessly bullied in school from about the 5th grade on. Although I don't believe I was effeminate in my appearance or mannerisms, my other OGTs* gave away the truth of me and other kids could see it, even if my parents couldn't wouldn't. It was so bad that in the 7th grade, I attempted suicide at school by an overdose. I very nearly succeeded, but was discovered unconscious when I fell out of the chair I was sitting in revealing my suicide note. I don't recall the next couple of days, but when I came around a few days afterwards fully restrained in a hospital bed, I realized I'd failed.

Interestingly, I didn't have go back to school for the rest of that year. When they let me go home, I had to endure outpatient therapy where I never really revealed the reasons for what I had done (there were many, but the bullying was what pushed me over the edge). The following year, I went back to the same neighborhood school and the bullying was much more subtle; I guess the teachers were told to keep a close watch on me and as a general rule tamped it down quite a bit. I always had to sit at the front of the class within feet of the teacher's desk.

 

There was one teacher that I clearly identified as gay, and although he never said a word to me about being gay or about what had happened the year before, he was especially watchful over me and quick to squelch even the mildest harassment directed at me. It only occurred to me today how heroic his actions were since he was putting himself at risk of being outed by merely being my ally. Like me, Mr. Spencer's OGTs were on display for all to see even as he tried very hard to hide them. This was all happening during the days of Anita Bryant's hateful anti-gay crusade. I often heard gay gossip about Mr. Spencer amongst the same kids who were bullying me.

This weekend, I ran across the video below and it immediately helped me to remember Mr. Spencer and his willingness to put his own safety and livelihood on the line for me. Unsurprisingly, this video was both disturbing and weirdly satisfying to watch. I'm not sure if it's AI or staged and from some crazy film or web series. But after I smiled for a moment, I realized it had also dredged up some of the worst and most painful memories of my own school days. 

 

I managed to make it through the 8th grade and Mr. Spencer's watchful eye certainly helped make that possible. But the 9th grade and high school brought hateful bullying on another level. It was not only verbal and psychological, but it was brutal and physical too. In fact, it was so intense that I transferred high schools twice before the first semester was over. By spring, I'd solved the problem myself. I dropped out of school in the ninth grade and as I turned 16 that summer I couldn't be forced to return.

Trigger Warning: This video depicts physical bullying in a school setting.

"I am always remembering...

and my greatest fear is that I may not live long enough to forget."