"The Truth About Me..."

El Paso Herald, Texas, January 6, 1928

Funny Story: This actually happened to me... When I was in college, I became friends with a very stylish older woman who I shared a number of classes with. We eventually became study partners and then pretty good friends as she shared how unhappy she was in her May-December marriage.  I remember that she was always so flattering towards me and a little touchy-feely and it wasn't until my mother noticed it and said something about it to me that I realized she was actually coming on to me. I was living my secret and keeping my promise back then, so I thought, "This is great cover!" I had never heard the term "beard" back then. So anyway, we got closer and took many of the same classes every semester, until about a year after I met her when we were sitting in the cafeteria together and outta the blue she asked me kill her husband.

I'll never forget that day, she was talking about how things had changed between her husband and herself and how stingy he was now, and unhappy she was because of it. Then she asked me, "Don't you think I should be happy?" Foolishly, I replied, "Of course!" And then I said, "Maybe you two should divorce." She said she couldn't because there was a prenup and she'd be left penniless. Her husband as it turns out was quite wealthy, he was a successful real estate investor. Then she said it, "If he was to have an accident, I'd be fine, he's got a big insurance policy payable to Jennifer (their pre-teen daughter), but I'd get everything else." I was dumbfounded and couldn't even speak, then she put her hand on my thigh under the table and I realized she meant it. I jumped up from the table and nearly ran out of the cafeteria.  She followed me and grabbed my arm as I was going through the outer doors. I turned towards her and she said, "Just think about it...."

When I got home that evening, I told my mother what had happened and she of course gave me the "I told you so!" Then she said I should stay away from her and if I needed to, I should drop those classes we shared. I thought that was mostly good advice and made that my plan. The next time I saw her at school, I didn't speak and I just walked past her like I didn't see her, even though we'd made eye contact. I knew I'd see her in my next class, so I decided to come into class late, to be sure I could take a seat away from her. When I walked in, she motioned for me to join her in the seat she'd saved for me, but I took a seat on the other side of the room, I remember the professor noticed and had an odd look on his face for a moment, but then he went on with his lesson.

When the class ended, I popped up and went right out the door and she followed me and caught me on the stairs. She was all like, "What's the matter?" And I replied, "What you said to me, I want nothing to do with it or you!" She stepped aside as she said, "Oh that, I was just kidding." I didn't respond and just walked away.  I continued to ignore her and never sat near her again. Within a couple of weeks, I noticed that she was entertaining a new young man and I wondered if she'd make the same proposition to him. It wouldn't be long though before I'd know.

About a month later, as the semester was ending, a mutual friend was sitting at a table in the student union and she motioned for me to join her when I walked in. She wanted to share my notes on a class we had together and then out of the blue, she asked, Did you hear about Lena's husband? I said no and then couldn't stop myself from saying, "What happened?" "He's in a coma at Sinai Grace, and he's not supposed to make it according the Lena, she said he fell down a flight of stairs at home." I was speechless, but sure it was no accident. Later that week, I saw Lena coming towards me down a hallway and she looked positively radiant and happier than I'd ever seen her look (mind you she was a very beautiful woman to begin with. I moved to the other side of the corridor and was hoping to pass without saying a word, but she changed sides too and when we met, she said, "Hi Christopher!" as she put her hand on my chest to stop me walking on. "Hi Lena, I was sorry to hear about your husband, how is he?" "Not good, ain't it a shame!" as she sniggered and walked on.

And now the rest of the story: I told my mother about what I'd heard and the encounter I'd had with Lena and I asked, "If her husband dies, should go to the police and tell them about what she said to me?" "Hell no! Stay the hell out of it and pretend you don't even know her." Again, I thought good advice, I'm gonna follow it. I didn't see Lena at school again after that semester, I assumed she got her wish. I graduated the following year and hadn't thought about her for some time, when a few years later I bumped into her at the mall on the arm of a new "old man." 

Weirdly, she seemed so excited to see me, and like a car crash, I couldn't seem to just walk away.  She introduced me to her new beau and he left us sitting on a bench to "catch up" as he went into a clothing store. I offered her my condolences over her late husband and then she corrected me... Her husband Juan, as it turned out had made a miraculous recovery for an 83 year old with a punctured lung, a concussion and numerous broken ribs and bones. Apparently, the first thing he said to a nurse when he came out of the coma was, "Call the police." The only thing I could think of to say as her new man was returning with a garment bag over his arm was, "Did you do it, did you push him?" A guilty smirk flashed across her face as she stood up, smiled and embraced her new fella and gave him a kiss in front of me as she looked right at me. Then she turned and said, "It was great to see you!" I watched the two of them stroll away arm-in-arm and I thought to myself, "There's a life lesson in that..." but I'm still not sure what it is.

BTW: The names have been changed to protect the guilty.