"The Truth About Sex...."

Is Sex Necessary For A Happy Marriage?

Sometimes, couples argue so much about sex that they wonder if it is really necessary for a happy marriage or if they should just learn to do without it. Find out if sex really is necessary for a happy marriage and why.

This is an adaptation of an article from familyshare.com, only gender pronouns and related contexts have been modified...

By Aaron Anderson

As a marriage counselor, I see a lot of couples who come to me with sexual problems in their relationship. The stories that couples tell me about their sexual difficulties vary, but most of them go something like this: One of them wants more sex and the other doesn’t. He says he needs sex to feel close and his partner doesn’t see why snuggling, cuddling and stuff done around the house doesn’t do it for him. One may say they need to feel close first to have sex and the other doesn’t see why sex doesn’t help them to feel close.

At the end of the day, one partner doesn’t see why sex is so important to the other, anyway. There are so many other things they do together as a couple that makes their relationship great that sex shouldn’t be as much of a priority. But after a while, he begins to wonder if there’s something wrong with him for not wanting sex and his partner also begins to wonder if something’s wrong with him for wanting sex as much as he does. So the couple goes on like this, both wondering if something is wrong with them or the other one, and they grow more and more frustrated and distant. So it’s no wonder that many couples, wonder if sex really is necessary for a happy marriage because it seems to just cause more problems. If they could just learn to do without, the problem would be solved.

Sex Is Vitally Important In Marriage

The only thing you uniquely share with your spouse that you don’t share with anyone else is sex. So sex is the only thing that sets you and your spouse apart from simply being roommates. It’s a vital part of marriage.

Not only does sex set you and your spouse apart from simply being roommates, it also requires a deeper level of communication that you don’t normally do with just anyone. Sex requires you to talk to each other about intimate, emotional things. For example, to have a truly intimate experience with your spouse, you need to tell your spouse where you like to be touched, and make requests for certain things. This requires that you both feel a comfort level with each other that you’ve never felt with anyone else before. It requires you to both become very vulnerable by asking, receiving and giving sexually. And it requires you to reach a deeper level of trust that your spouse will respond to your requests without judgment.

Sex also creates passion and a unique connection

To be able to talk to your spouse in this kind of vulnerable, intimate way creates a unique connection that you simply can’t have with anyone else without becoming sexual. This kind of intimate talk and physical touch creates passion in your relationship, too. It tells your spouse you think of him as more than just a friend. You think of your relationship as something deeper. This unique connection that lovers have creates vibrance, passion and romance between the two of you that you can’t create in any way other than sexually.

When couples come to me for counseling about their sexual difficulties, they’re sometimes surprised that I don’t focus on technique or the number of times that they engage in sex in a week. Whether they have sex two times a week or 10 times a week is irrelevant. What’s more important is that sex becomes an intimate and connecting experience for both of them. If this isn’t happening, then the marriage isn’t really happy. So instead of couples arguing about sex and creating more distance, couples need to learn to really talk and communicate about sex. They also need to be open to hearing what their spouse wants, feels and needs. This is not only a recipe for great sex but a great marriage as well.

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With marriage equality and the ability to openly enjoy the types of relationships that our parents were role models of, gay men and women in loving committed relationships are now facing the same challenges as our parents in marriage. 

Often, in marriage there will be differences in expectations around many topics ranging from "Who's going to do the dishes tonight?" to "What color sheets for the guest room?".  And while most differences that married couples encounter are pretty easily overcome, issues of sex and intimacy are perhaps the most difficult to resolve.  

Perceptions of what it means to be gay and the stereotypes that accompany these are often hypersexualized.  Add to this, societal pressures and expectations about marriage and its traditional liberation of sexual abstinence for the couple and it's not surprising that some gay men may have unrealistic expectations about sex in marriage... 

Happily, (or sadly, as the case may be) sex for gay men is typically not like what we see in pornography.  Most people are surprised to learn that studies suggest that penetrative anal sex is a rather infrequent form of sexual expression for most gay men and some gay men have never participated in that sex act. Expressing our sexual nature in many other ways is one of the many adaptations inherent in being gay.

Nevertheless, for married couples both gay and not, sexual expression in whatever form it may take, is essential to a happy and contented life together.  Just like our non-gay brothers and sisters in the world, finding safe, enjoyable and mutually fulfilling ways of communicating our sexual desires, wants and needs is paramount to maintaining a happy and loving relationship with our spouse. 

If you're not happy with your sex life, you've got to be able to talk about sex with your spouse.  Only when you can share the intimate and vulnerable desires of your heart can you actually know true companionship and the fullness of love in marriage.

You've got to talk about sex...

"Fear Eats the Soul"