September 24, 2014
You may have recently read my Coming Out story (if not, you can read it by clicking here.) When my story was published, I received an outpouring of support from the community exclaiming their love and support for me – a total stranger – who happened to share his story with the world. However, the most important details were left out and even overlooked by readers; what comes next after coming out.
Coming out lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. It was definitely a great feeling as well as a privilege many don’t get to experience and after years of dwelling on what could happen, I had the strength to decide what will happen. I felt invincible. Then, reality caught up with me.
For years I had been someone I’m not. I deceived those around me simply by telling half-truths and letting them come to their own conclusions about who I was as a person. I was careful who I said things to and how I said it, if I spoke at all. I was introverted, I trusted no one, and my social life reflected that. When I started college, I joined the school’s LGBT club, but soon after coming out, I couldn’t go back as the person I used to be or who I was after. In fact, I honestly didn’t know who I was. I lost my identity.
Months passed and nothing changed. I lost my desire to eat, I slept more, became physically weak, and the man I saw in the mirror was a stranger. At 93 pounds (which is slightly lower than average for a height of 5’4”) lacking any body fat or muscle tone, I realized that I had depression. I was just another statistic and I couldn’t understand why or how, just that I was in a dark, lousy, unstable place; trapped in a hole with no foreseeable way to get out.
One day during my depressive mental-self-examination, I had a breakthrough. I realized that I may not have known who I was, who I wanted to be, or where I wanted to be in life, but I knew that in my depression, I yearned for something greater. I wanted strength, I wanted my confidence, I wanted friends, and I wanted to be accepted once again. Not for my sexual orientation, but for who I was as an individual and what I could contribute to society. I knew that as long as I kept myself going, I was bound to have something good happen for once.
By the time any of these realizations actually sank in, I had completed my first year of college. Fall semester had started up again and I had signed up for philosophy 101 in order to fill a spot in my schedule. What had started out as a class to fill hours for my degree, soon became my favorite class ever. The class required group discussion in order to argue our point and even defend it in front of our peers. Because of that, I had no choice but to become social. Before I knew it, I was comfortable speaking to groups of 30 or more students – a new record up from 2 or 3 close friends.
During the same time frame, I had also joined a community service club and quickly found myself in an officer position. I then realized how rewarding helping others can be and discovered my purpose in life; finding joy in the joy I bring to others. In the process I made friends who valued and respected my ideas and opinions. I became more socially open, trusting, and communicated how I felt more often. In addition to working an officer position, I started working out Monday through Friday as well as dieting. By the end of my second year in college, I had inadvertently gained all that I had desired only a few months earlier. At 115 pounds, I went from skinny, depressed, timid, and socially incompetent to strong, confident and one of the most social and extroverted among my friends. My depression subsided, however for many in the LGBT community, especially youth, depression is far too common.
It’s no secret that LGBT people are at high risk for depression, suicide, and alcohol and drug abuse over their straight counterparts. Yet, the dialogue about these issues is often nonexistent or a dull murmur among close friends. As a community, we should be talking about our issues, not hiding them. Share your coming out story, share your problems, and try to help others with theirs. United as a global community, we can make a difference in each other’s lives.
Share your coming out story, story of depression, or alcohol/drug abuse below and maybe you’ll make a difference in someone’s life.
If you need help overcoming suicide and/or depression, please reach out to The Trevor Project online, or by phone 1-866-488-7386.
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"Fear Eats the Soul"
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