"5:35 AM, Thursday, June 11, 1964"

Today is my birthday…

The fact that I’m now another year older means little to me. I guess that’s because I am without the one thing that I waited a lifetime for… the companionship and promise of a lifetime together with the one I love. I was promised that very thing by Stephen Christopher Harris, whom I still love despite his terrible mistreatment of me over the course of the last three years. But once, I believed that perhaps he truly loved me. It was on this day just one year ago that I believed he finally loved me as he’d said he did so many times.

After the night he called out of the blue and spent the night with me, he’d come to town several times in May and June 2008. I’d meet him at the airport, getting a room for us at the Westin to spend those few hours in his arms during his layover between flights. I listened to him tell me some truths and some lies about what he’d been doing since leaving Detroit. He’d tell me that he needed me, that he loved me, that he didn’t “want to be alone in the world anymore…” I believed him. He still kept lots of secrets, including many that by God’s grace I already knew. And because I loved him, even as I do today, I forgave the lies and trusted his word yet again.

He was in Charlotte on my birthday last year, and that day my “gift” was this card from him…

He sent it Express Mail from the Post Office near the “Dream House,” but he put Mike Fisher’s address on it as the return address. He hadn’t yet told me about his having bought the house with (for) Alonza, and I imagine Alonza was still there. But it didn’t matter, I believed (wanted to believe) what it said, and it brought joy (and pain) to my 44th birthday.

Stephen was here for my 43rd birthday as well… I wrote about it in my blog on Yahoo 360. This is what I said…

I had another birthday on Monday and I have to say, “I’m surprised that I’ve made it to the ripe old age of 43.” I’ve also got to say, “It was worth the wait!” I had one of the best birthdays of my entire life. A special 360 friend, Dena visited many of your pages unbeknownst to me to urge you wish me a happy birthday. Another great friend here on 360, Justin even posted a birthday shout on his blog. As a result, I got lots of warm wishes for my special day. It was wonderful to be thought of in so many kind ways.

As for what I did on my birthday… well that was great too. The day started with breakfast shared with my beloved, Stephen. After dropping Stephen off at his office. I came home and enjoyed my day off by sorting some papers and cleaning around the house. If not for all the messages from my 360 friends, I might have felt a little depressed with cleaning as the highlight of the day. Stephen was scheduled to fly out of town on business in the afternoon and I’d be spending my birthday alone again this year.

But much to my surprise, around 12:30, my niece called to say that she and her mother (my sister, Lisa) were on their way to take me to lunch. What a treat … at least I’d get to go somewhere on my special day. In the meantime, I got a text from Stephen saying he wanted to take me out to dinner after work. I replied that he didn’t have to try to do that as I didn’t want him trying to rush to get his flight that evening.

Lunch with my sister and niece was great. We went to my favorite family style restaurant, “Big Boy.” I had the same thing I’ve had on almost every visit since I was a little boy; a hamburger and onion rings.

When I got back home from lunch, I was feeling much better about the prospect of spending the evening by myself. But I followed Stephen’s request and I got dressed for dinner although I planned to insist that we postpone it until he is back in town. When I went to pick Stephen up from his office, I thought to myself, we sure look good together, both “suited and booted.” When he got into the car, my dearest made my day… He said, “I’m taking you out to dinner tonight, I’ve postponed my trip until tomorrow, you’re more important to me.” It was music to my ears to hear him say that, and with that said, we were off to my favorite Italian restaurant, Maggiano’s.

Dinner was great… I let Stephen order for me and he selected a $35 steak for me. I wanted to protest, it was one of the most expensive entrees on the menu, but he wouldn’t hear it. I felt really honored and loved by my dearest. We had some great appetizers and when the entrees arrived, we had so much food that we ended up taking much of it home in three little shopping bags that they packed it in for us. We had a lovely conversation on the drive home from dinner. And when we got back, he gave me my gift and a very beautiful card…

Later, we had the cake and ice cream I thought I’d have been eating alone. Then, we spent the rest of the evening enjoying each other’s company and talking about our future. It was the best birthday I’ve ever had.

*****

I posted that on June 13th and while it was true that it “was the best birthday I’ve ever had,” that was a partial truth meant to save face with my blog friends. It was also one of the worse birthdays too, because I knew I was being lied to by Stephen… and because the “gift” was a terrible disappointment… and because I knew I was powerless to do anything about it.

I was expecting a ring, or a bracelet or some other symbol of our love and commitment; this is what I got…

I took this picture last night; I’ve kept this candy for two years now. At the time, I couldn’t eat more than a few pieces without it choking me because of “what it was” and “what it wasn’t…”

Stephen actually handed it to me in the car when I picked him up from his office. He gave it to me in this bag…

He’d bought the candy and card that same day at a shop in the building he worked in. Even the receipt was in the bag…

It was a terrible disappointment… my heart sank to depths that I’ve only known again in these last few months since returning to Detroit from Charlotte. It must have shown on my face, because I didn’t say anything about how it made me feel, but I think that was his reason for the last minute, spendthrift dinner. But there’ll be nothing like that for me today… Tonight, I’ll eat one piece of the candy that’s now two years old and I’ll for just a moment relive the “best” and the “worst” birthday of my life.

My birthday will end tonight as it has for each of the last 971 days… with a prayer for Stephen Christopher Harris.

“Fear Eats the Soul”