"Coming Out - Dear Sister..."

Originally published on Yahoo 360, October 21, 2006

I’ve been following my plan to inform those who are important and close to me about the truth of my heart. As I have said, “I believe that I am as God has made me…” I don’t confess to know why God has made some of us including me, homosexual; but I have after a great deal of prayerful pondering come to understand that this was His will for me. And so, having told my father, my brother William, and my niece and nephew, I determined that I would tell my sisters next. This is the story of telling the women closest and most important to me of the truth of my life.

As I considered when and how to tell my sisters, it occurred to me that there would be a definite order that I would follow in doing so. I have two sisters. My older sister is Ora Jean; she is about 20 years older than me. Jean is a kind and compassionate woman who has known tragedy as well as good fortune in her life. I have always loved and looked up to her as my “big sister.” As I grew up, Jean came to rely on me as her trusted and loving brother. She has always been able to call on me and receive my help.

It occurred to me that Jean would be the hardest of my siblings to tell the secret I’ve kept for these many years. There are a number of reasons for this, but the main one that inspired some fear in telling her is that she is more or less, a bit of an evangelical Christian. Of all my brothers and sisters, Jean is the one that I have most feared might reject me. I felt it was likely that at best I could expect to be condemned by her and that our close relationship might be destroyed forever. Nevertheless, I am determined to never again have to lie about what is true in my heart, and especially not to those I love, my family.

Of my two sisters, I decided that I would tell Ora Jean about myself first. Then, I would have Lisa; whose reaction I have felt sure would be one of love and acceptance to fall back on. With that plan in mind, I pledged to myself that the next time I went to Jean’s to fix something, before I left, I’d tell her. I didn’t have to wait long for the opportunity to arise; I got a call from Jean about two weeks ago… It began as they usually do, she said, “I need a little favor…” My sister Jean has been a widow for about 12 years now. Tragically, her husband was murdered; gunned down in his own driveway in front of his two teenaged daughters. While it was a great tragedy for my sister and her children, many of us in the family thought her husband’s death was a blessing in disguise as he was not a kind man, nor was he a good man or loving husband and father, but my sister mourned his loss greatly nevertheless.

Even before my sister’s husband was killed, I did lots of repairs and maintenance work around their home; her husband was an auto executive type and he rarely tried to repair anything around his own house; he didn’t seem to have many “handy skills.” Since, he died, I took on the role of man of her house, at least when it came to helping her make important decisions about her family and taking care of the “man things” around her home. When my nephew, John Jr. reached puberty and became rather rebellious and a little slothful, my sister asked me to take him into my home and teach him how to be a man. I happily did so, and for two years I raised him along side my son. I taught him all the things I knew about being a good and honorable man. At the end of the two years, I sent him home to be the man of his late father’s house. When John Jr. left for college five years ago, I again became my sister’s help. Over the years, I’ve done so many things around her century old house that I’ve lost track of all of them. So when I hear her say, “I need a little favor…” I know a new project is at hand.

Two weeks ago, the favor my sister needed was to have me install a new toilet for her in one of the second floor bathrooms. As I always have, I told her I’d be happy to do it for her. I told her to go ahead and purchase the toilet and I’d come over after work to install it for her. So last Wednesday, after work, I gathered my tools and supplies, paused at my front door to pray for the words I knew I would be hard to say to her when I had finished the job and I drove to her home to accomplish that task, and my promise to myself to tell my family the truth about me.

The work of installing the new toilet went quickly and in no time I’d finished the job. My great-nephews, who are five and six years old were both there watching in amazement as I removed the old fixture and installed the new one. They kept saying, “You can fix anything, Uncle Chris…” I thought to myself, “I hope so…?” as I contemplated what I would say to my sister before I left her home that night. When I was done, Jean came and admired the work I’d just finished and as I gathered my tools and she walked me to the door, she thanked me for coming to her rescue yet again. When we reached the door, I turned to Jean and said, “There’s something I want to tell you…” “I’m gay, Jean.”

I silently hoped I was prepared for whatever reaction my revelation might elicit from Jean. There is something about my sister that I first identified when I was a little boy, I honestly believe she was born without any “internal censor.” Over the years, I learned that whatever Jean thinks, Jean says. She doesn’t do so to upset anyone or to be mean, she can’t help it, it’s just the way she is. Over the years, she has upset people, quite innocently and unintentionally because she lacks that “censor.” I thought what she might say to me after my confession could be quite ugly and hurtful. So with this in mind, I had already decided that I would simply tell her and then go without allowing her much time to question it or reply to it, I’d quickly leave.

I was surprised by Jean’s initial reaction… She actually smiled and chuckled. I realized that she didn’t believe me, she thought it was a joke; so I explained a little bit more. I told her, “I want you to know this about me, because I love you, and I am tired of lying to you and others about the truth of my heart….” “I’ve known this about myself since I was five years old; and pretending not to be and denying it to even myself has been like having brown eyes, but insisting that they’re blue… No amount of praying and wishing and hoping has changed it.” As she realized I was serious, the grin faded from her face and she opened her mouth in disbelief to say, “Really?”

I replied, “Yes, it’s true…” “We can talk about this if you want, but not today…” I picked up my tools, as a rather shocked look feel upon her. I walked to the door, said, “I love you” and I left. On the drive home, I wondered when, and not if, I would hear from her and what she would say. I was glad that I didn’t give her the chance to think about what I’d said and that she hadn’t said anything ugly or upsetting to me yet. I knew for sure I would see her again in just three days on Saturday at work and I worried for the rest of the week that she’d want to “discuss” it in front of my clients. When she came in on Saturday a week ago, she looked at me in a rather peculiar new way, but didn’t really have much to say to me other than, “Hi Chris.” Later, although I was with a client, I did notice Jean having a conversation with my other sister, Lisa, but I couldn’t hear what they were saying; I wondered if it was about me. Surprisingly, Jean left without having anything more to say to me. The rest of the day, I wondered when she would talk to me about it and I also wondered if she told my other sister what I’d shared with her.

The following Monday, while on my way home, I drove past my brother William’s home. I noticed that my younger sister, Lisa was there visiting with him. When I got home to my house, I took the mail from the box and as I looked through it I found a strange envelope; it had no stamp and was only addressed, “Mr. Christopher Flournoy.” I didn’t recognize the handwriting as it was addressed in hand printed block letters. I wondered as I held the letter and contemplated whether I would open it or not, who could it be from? Finally, I opened the letter, and I discovered that it was from my sister Jean, and this is what she said…

10-16-2006

Dear Christopher,

I feel compelled to write you after your startling revelation, because you are human and Satan hates you; because you are my brother and I love you and I don’t want your soul to be lost.

You say that you are gay, but are you homosexual? Have you or are you having sex with men and is this something that you enjoy? Ask yourself, if so I know this is a perverted and immoral lifestyle. If it was natural you would not have tried to hide it for 35 years.

Maybe you don’t want to be married, that’s ok. Maybe you want to live a life of celibacy, that’s ok. It’s ok to have men friends as well as women friends, that’s ok. But, sex with men, IT IS NOT OK and I hope you have not crossed that line.

God is a forgiving God, He loves us, but He does not love our sins. And He will not look upon sin. But if we ask for forgiveness and repent, He is faithful to forgive us.

I don’t understand how a five year old child could know that he is “gay.” Back in those days, they called them “Cissys,” unless some older person had introduced this to you. You may not have even known what was happening to you.

Satan is a very tricky and devious being. He attacks the very vulnerable.

Please read the scriptures that I’m enclosing with this letter.

Love, your sister,

Jean

P.S. I tried to make copies from my Bible, but couldn’t.

Please read all of James
“ “ “ “ 1 Corinthians 6:9
“ “ “ “ Genesis 2:19-25

Also, in your spare time, please read all of the New Testament again. Pray first, and ask God to give you understanding.

I must confess that it did upset me to read what she wrote. Although in the greater scope of things, it was not nearly as bad as I had feared it might be. Still, as I suspected she might, she was judging me rather harshly without really understanding. After what I’d read settled into my mind, I decided to go over to William’s and tell Lisa while perhaps she had not been swayed in her own opinions by Jean. When I got there, Lisa and William were having lunch together and discussing his finances; William works for Ford Motor Co. and recently received a buyout offer. I joined their conversation and my brother and sister seemed to be enjoying my company. As I spoke and as I observed Lisa’s reactions, I couldn’t say that she seemed to be looking at me in any new way; I was glad of that. I wondered if Jean had told her of my revelation, or for that matter, if any of the others, including William, who now knew the truth about me had shared it with her.

It was soon time for Lisa to leave to pick up her two children from school. I resolved to tell her before she left, so as she walked to the door I went with her. When we were on the driveway, I touched her arm and asked her to wait a moment. She turned towards me and I said, “Lisa, I want you to know something about me…” “I’m gay.” “I hope your knowing won’t change our relationship.” My sister Lisa looks more like our mother everyday, and this day in the cool light of that afternoon on the driveway, as a kind smile came to her face, I felt like I was looking at my mother. Lisa reached out, gave me a warm embrace and said, “It’s okay, I love you, Chris.” As we both smiled, I said, “Brian and Whitley both know…” “I’ve been dropping little hints to them for the last year. I guess I was trying to tell you indirectly. I don’t know if they’ve told you any of what I’ve said to them?” She said, “Oh yeah, Brian did say something, but I told him he was crazy and must have misunderstood you.” “No, he got it right, but I still don’t think he and Whitley believe me.” “Now that you know, you can let them know that it’s true.” She simply said, “Okay” gave me another hug, and said, “I’ll see you at work Wednesday” as she waved goodbye.

I said my goodbyes to my brother William, and then I headed back home. When I arrived home, I re-read Jean’s letter. I decided I would read the scriptures that she admonished me to review and as I did, I felt at peace with myself and not guilty or in anyway unclean or perverted. What I read actually strengthened my testimony and conviction that I am as God has made me to be. I know that He loves me and that He has inspired my life and the way in which I’ve lived it to this point and the way I will live it in the future.

I decided I would reply to my sister Jean’s letter with an eye to helping her understand what I know to be my “truth.” So over the course of the last couple of days, I carefully crafted a letter that I hoped would help my sister understand me… I decided I would give it to her when she came to my place of business this Saturday… This morning, I printed out my letter and I sealed it in an envelope and addressed it to my dear, older sister. As I expected, she arrived about 9:15 a.m. When she came in, I greeted her with, “Hi Jean!” while trying hard to keep a calm smile on my face. I wondered what her response would be, would it be, “Hi” or would it be a fire and brimstone lecture. Thankfully, all she said was, “Hi Christopher.”

Later, although she was seated just a few feet behind me, this Saturday morning there was no witty banter between the two of us, just a very loud silence. The strained silence was such an unnatural state for the two of us, that my client even commented, “Something must be the matter between you and Jean…” I tried to ignore my client and the strange feeling that told me Jean’s eyes were on me the whole time as I was standing and working in front of her just a few feet away.

When Jean was nearly ready to leave, she’d excused herself to the restroom. When she did, I went and got my letter and laid the sealed envelope on her chair next to her purse. When she returned to her chair, she picked up the envelope, examined it briefly and then tucked it in her purse. She left without saying anything more to me. As I listened to the front door close behind her, I wondered if she’d read it. This is what it said:

10-21-2006

Dear Sister,

Let me begin by thanking you for the love and concern that you’ve expressed for me following my sharing with you that I am a homosexual. I am deeply thankful to you and to God, that I have been blessed all my life with a sister as kind and loving as you. I am sorry that you were startled by my revelation, but I knew that you would be surprised and I could think of no way around that. In your letter, you wrote that Satan hates me, you are right; the Adversary hates peace and love and truth. I have an incredible testimony of the extents of his efforts to destroy us, and yet I have managed to endure thus far. Dear Sister, fear not, I don’t believe that my soul is lost; I have a strong personal relationship with Our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ. The scriptures tell us that a man’s salvation is his own responsibility (see: Acts 16:30-31) and I am confident that my actions thus far will be adjudged favorably in the eyes of the Lord.

You asked me to question if I believed that “this is a perverted and immoral lifestyle.” This is my answer, I don’t believe that the way I’ve lived my life so far and the way I intend to live it from today forward is perverted or immoral. I don’t believe this is something that I chose for myself, it simply is the way that I am. How I’ve dealt with the truth of my heart… that was my choice. I chose to hide it for more than 35 years, not because in the end I believed it was unnatural, immoral, or wrong, but because I feared being different and not being accepted. I know you are aware of how the world has treated people who are different in the way that I am. I have been persecuted and mistreated by people because of this all my life, even by our very own brother. I feared being mistreated by others who won’t even try to understand the feelings I have lived with since my earliest days, even from the womb.

You questioned if I wanted to be married, I can tell you that I do want to be married. You’ll remember my marriage to Trudy, I wanted to be loved and accepted so badly that I compromised the very essence of my soul, the truth that has existed in my heart for my entire life. And perhaps if she had been a good and honorable woman, I might have been able to live that lie for a while, but a lie it would have been. As far as living a life of celibacy, that is what I’ve done for the vast majority of my life. And I can tell you that such a life is unnatural and terribly lonely and painful. To never know the touch of one who loves you in the special way that only a lover, partner, and spouse can touch you is a terrible sentence to endure. I don’t believe that God would have that be so in any of our lives. What I do believe is that God would have us commit ourselves to only one whom we love and to no others; that is still my hope. If I could, I would marry a man I love.

You are right, “God is a forgiving God, He loves us.” I know He loves me and that He has forgiven me for all the lies and pretenses that I suffered on everyone in order to hide the truth of my heart from the world. I do not seek forgiveness for the way God has created me, to do so would be blasphemy. I trust in Him and that He has made me as I am for a purpose and I know that He wants me to know the joy of the enduring love of another. I have sought God’s help in finding the one man who will love me and whom I can love. I trust His hand to guide me and I ask you to trust in Him as well.

When I shared this with you, I told you that I’ve known I was a homosexual since I was five years old. You questioned how a five year old could know, and to be honest, I can’t explain it other than to say, I knew. This was the great truth of my life; it was an understanding that came to me without pondering. No one introduced this to me, it was simply always there; it’s been ever present with me from my earliest days. I suspect if you think back, you might be able to realize that it was always there with me as well.

Dear Sister, please fear not for me… I am walking in the path that God Himself has set me upon. Fear of what people might say and do, not any fear of God’s judgment was the reason I’ve kept this great secret for my entire life. But now God has revealed to me that I am… I am as He wants me to be. Like the three cast into the fiery furnace, I have endured much that I have not shared with you, and yet, God has delivered me safe and brought me out from my hiding, that He might bless my faithfulness; this I believe with all my heart.

You are so right, “Satan is a very tricky and devious being. He attacks the very vulnerable.” Please be mindful of his deceptions. I am the same man today that I was yesterday. I love you the same now as I have always loved you. I will always care for you as I have done for my entire life. You are my beloved sister; I am your brother who loves you. I pray that you will continue to love me as I love you. Nothing in me has changed.

Your loving brother,

Christopher

This afternoon at closing time, my sister came back to my business. She came in and took a seat in the lobby. When the last client had left and as I was cleaning the front door glass in preparation for closing, I turned towards my dear sister seated behind me. I noticed that tears were streaming from her eyes. I said to her, “What’s the matter…?” She said, “I’ll always love you, Christopher…” “Then don’t cry, Jean; over the years, I’ve cried enough for us all… It will be all right.” And with that, she left and my fervent prayers had been answered. My sisters still love me.