"A Poem About My Life..."

This is a poem (really a preamble) I wrote to describe the significant events of my life leading up to and beyond my coming out...

"The Name of My Secret…"
Christopher Flournoy

The name of my secret was “Scared”
Five years old, I’d done something bad
Brought pain to my mother and she was so mad
Teacher’s scornful frown drove my heart deep under ground
I was little, but smart, and I knew to be scared even at the start
The name of my secret was “Scared”

The name of my secret was “Hide”
A little older now, I learned fast and quick, and all about how
It’s not good in this world to be different and dare not to bow
As the other kids worked hard, my spirit to grind
I wondered then and now what God had in mind
The name of my secret was “Hide”

The name of my secret was “Pain”
Then came the time when a boy becomes a man
This was the time that I hid and I ran
Mine was a young heart, wounded right from the start
I’d ask oft in vain, “Why Lord, why, if I was so smart?”
The name of my secret was “Pain”

The name of my secret was “Liar”
On young shoulders fell, heavy a burden
My father was gone, this was now certain
Man of the house at sixteen I’d become, no time to wonder why life I should shun
Deny, deny, tell my heart it’s a lie; what I “want” is not true, to believe is to die
The name of my secret was “Liar”

The name of my secret was “Fear”
I felt it often, when the long nights came;
The urge and the feelings, desire with no flame
It was then the struggle was greatest indeed
Heart against self, life against need
The name of my secret was “Fear”

The name of my secret was “Pray”
“With God, all things are possible,” so they’d always say
I was called to serve? How could this be?
When there was a secret that lie deep inside me
Courage I summoned, the full armor I donned, but still in my heart, I secretly longed
The name of my secret was “Pray”

The name of my secret was “Almost Forgotten”
It was 27 years since the lie was first begotten
So long indeed, that even I believed
I thought beyond hope, my prayer I’d received
Take a wife said the elders; this is the cure, or so they believed
The name of my secret was “Almost Forgotten”

The name of my secret was “Wraith”
My new secret, it failed me, it undid, it derailed me
It destroyed my life and my wife, then came the fall
Back to me came, as if an old friend; a haunting apparition of lies and sedition
It sank my soul to new depths of fearful perdition
The name of my secret was “Wraith”

The name of my secret was “Cry”
35 years had passed since my secret I learned
She who’d loved me, Mother Dearest had died, and oh to my God, I cried and I cried
The promise, the promise, somehow I’d kept
And it was then that my heart, it too secretly wept
The name of my secret was “Cry”

The name of my secret was “Free”
Now it was mine, to give or to lose; I was free at last, it was my right to choose
I looked for love, and I found a small part
Was but just enough to heal a wounded, sad heart
So much like me, and so much not; but love it was fleeting, it was only a start
The name of my secret was “Free”

The name of my secret was “Wait”
Though love it had now come, it left just as soon
Still thought I, I’ll seek for the moon
Once more for love, I would try to wait; wipe away the marks, start with a clean slate
Days and weeks and hours would pass, and love was still so far from my grasp
The name of my secret was “Wait”

The name of my secret was “Last Chance?”
I thought I found him, one who seemed like me
He said he wanted love and finally to be free
Cautious at first but soon willing to trust; I opened my heart, I found that I must
He said, “Let me love you,” and this I did do, but all that I found was pain and no trust
The name of my secret was “Last Chance?”

The name of my secret was “Love”
Love was to make a change in my heart; be what he wanted right from the start
No price too great, no sacrifice too small; my heart said surely, “I could change all”
And all that was missing was truth at the fall
But love without truth… Was it love after all?
The name of my secret was “Love”

The name of my secret was “Truth”
The truth I knew, he could tell me no lies
My heart torn asunder, and gone were my highs
Though truth I did know, and truth I did fear, his promise was all that my heart it could hear
“I love you now, forever and a day…” to my heart it seemed surely the only way
The name of my secret was “Truth”

The name of my secret was “Death”
My heart and my life and love I had lost; my soul was alone in the cold morning frost
What price had I paid to be alone and afraid? Ask over and over, what if he’d stayed?
Then came a longing; desire for death, a dream to take but one long last breath
Trust it was lost and the will to live too, my soul’s hue was now deep azure blue
The name of my secret was “Death”

The name of my secret was “Darkness”
Once more, I’d walk to death’s door; I’d let go of the pain and life’s sad refrain
How could I delay with a heart so broken?
Yet my hand was stayed as His words to my heart were spoken
Watch the sun set, the end being near; but, “No, my son, not yet” was all I could hear
The name of my secret was “Darkness”

The name of my secret is “Gone”
The days are growing longer though my heart is no stronger
I love him still and perhaps I always will
Though the pain is great, still here I wait... I pray death’s not the answer
To love again and with truth, surely is God’s answer
The name of my secret is “Gone”

Rededicated to SCH, January 15, 2009