Yes, you absolutely can go to bed angry.
By Abigail Williams
There’s nothing quite like the blissful, magical honeymoon phase. But when you finally come back down to earth, there are some practicalities you and your new spouse will have to face. Here's some sane marriage advice to usher you into your new life together.
Here’s Some Marriage Advice You Haven’t Heard A Million Times Before
The relationship you have with your kids should never come before your marriage, said Jeffrey Platts, a relationship expert and men’s coach. The “your-spouse-should-always-come-first” philosophy may not sit well with some parents but Platts thinks it could help couples stay clear of divorce. Plus, your kids will grow up knowing what a strong, healthy relationship looks like.
Most of us step into marriage hoping for a lifetime of love and happiness, knowing far too little about what might give us our best shot at getting there. Many of us assume that because we’re in love, because we have common values and compatible dreams we’ve got everything we need to have a marriage that lasts.
“Your spouse’s annoying habits multiply exponentially after you’ve tied the knot. I’m talking about little things that gain annoying momentum as years go by. For me, it was abrasive quirks like these: tailgating at rush hour, interrupting me to correct me and twisting his napkin into a knot after every meal. Shallow and petty, I admit, but day after day took its toll. While dating, I wrote them off as changeable and cute. When the adrenaline wore off, those pesky habits became a problem.”
Happy couples regularly say “I love you,” but those three little words alone aren’t enough to keep the spark alive through the ups and downs of a long marriage.
To that end, we asked a relationship expert to tell us the most important phrases husbands and wives can say to each other. Here they are:
5 Phrases The Happiest Couples Use To Stay Crazy In LoveBy Coach Todd Reed
Who knew that just a few little words could make all the difference in a relationship?
In my work with couples, I’ve found that repeating certain phrases is key to staying close and connected to the one you love most. Here are five magic phrases that help keep happy couples feeling crazy in love:
1. “WE CAN WORK IT OUT.”
Notice the word “we” versus “I.” Numerous studies have found a link between marital happiness and how often couples refer to themselves as “we.” That’s because seeing yourself as a team makes you more likely to cope well with the day-to-day problems that are inevitable in any long-term relationship. What’s more, “we” lends a spirit of cooperation to your discussions — and that not only results in fewer disagreements, but also arguments that get resolved more quickly.
2. “I HEAR WHAT YOU’RE SAYING.”
If I had a penny for each time I’ve heard a client complain, “My partner never listens,” I’d be a very wealthy man. We humans have a primal need to feel, both, heard and understood; this is especially true in romantic relationships. When you don’t feel heard and understood, you both struggle to feel important, valued, or connected to one another. Notice that this phrase doesn’t necessarily mean that you agree with what’s being said. But, it does send a critical message that you’re listening with an open mind. And when that happens, your significant other is far more likely to share his or her innermost thoughts and feelings with you, which, naturally, tightens your bond.
3. “I’M CRAZY ABOUT YOU!”
Most of us think nice thoughts about our mates all the time, but all too often, we keep them to ourselves. The truth is, our significant others need to hear (again and again) how smart, charming, attractive and wonderful we think they are. In fact, constant reminders from the person whose opinion they value most (that’d be you!) keep your partner’s self-confidence soaring, spirits high, and his/her connection to you closer than ever.
4. “WOW, THANK YOU!”
In the happiest relationships, couples make a point of acknowledging all the little things — from his clearing the table or taking the kids to the park, to her picking up the dry cleaning or making your favorite meal. But the closest couples add an exclamation to their thanks. Adding a “Wow!” is like underlining your thanks or putting it in bold type, so you know for sure that your partner feels loved and appreciated. In fact, according to behavioral science expert Craig S. Davis, Ph.D., an exclamation actually registers differently on the cochlea — the part of the inner ear that receives and analyzes sound — so your partner literally perks up, listens, and better hears what’s being said.
5. “GO FOR IT!”
This phrase brings the all-important “rah-rah” factor into your relationship. Though short and sweet, it speaks volumes whenever you’re sharing thoughts, hopes, and dreams with one another by sending the message “I’ve got your back” loud and clear. In fact, a ton of research reveals that couples who serve as cheerleaders for one another are not only more optimistic about life and love, but are far more likely to live happily ever after.
It’s not going to kill you to spend a weekend — or a few weeks — away from your spouse. In fact, it could benefit your marriage, especially if you’re experiencing a rough patch.
If you find yourself telling your spouse to “shut up” mid-argument, go directly to jail, do not pass go, and most definitely do not collect $200 — you’ve made a huge slip and don’t deserve it.
“When my husband gets home from work we hug for a good two to three minutes. It could be right when he walks in or after greeting our son and changing out of his suit. It’ll happen whether we’re upset with each other or not.”
You really can't live on love alone.
The Beatles were wrong when they claimed “all you need is love.” You also need the ability to navigate some truly rocky financial waters together.
The ability to discuss money matters is imporant. Couples should set aside a time each month or every payday to talk about their family finances, savings and investment goals and spending plans so that both partners know what the family's fiancial position and obligations are.
How each partner feels about finances is often shaped by their experiences with money growing up. And knowing what that history is can give you a greater understanding of your significant other’s attitudes toward money — and help clue you in to sore spots.
Please follow the golden rule of marriage:
If you make it dirty, you clean it. Nobody likes life-maintenance chores, but most of us like ― or can at least appreciate ― cleanliness. Nobody has ever complained about a bathroom being too clean.
Two people may love each other, but not ‘feel loved’ if they have a different love language. That means, if one spouse’s ‘language of love’ is to do helpful things or buy gifts, and the other’s love language is verbal affirmations, loving touch, or quality time together, the receiver doesn’t really feel love, and the giver doesn’t feel appreciated for the love they’re giving.
Being able to recognize this language barrier and proactively addressing it by adjusting your responses and attitudes goes a long way to making a relationship happier and healthier.
Some couples start off hot and heavy, but fizzle out over time. Others with a slow-but-steady burn can last decades or even a lifetime. We asked relationship experts to tell us what common threads they notice among healthy, long-lasting relationships versus short, fleeting ones. This is what they had to say:
1. You can laugh at yourself and each other.“I need to be clear here: I’m not talking about the scornful, contempt-filled laughter that is all about feeling superior and rejecting the other person. That can do serious damage over time. I’m talking about the self-effacing, I-don’t-take-myself-too-seriously sort of laughter that points out the quirks in ourselves, our partners, and our relationship while keeping it light. It’s when people can smile and rib one another about their favorite movie, shake their head and laugh about bad decisions they made in the past, and own up to their own selfishness from time to time.” ― Ryan Howes, psychologist
2. You find little ways to express your love every day.“Having sex is easy. Being loving every day isn’t always. Showing your partner you care, appreciate, and value them can be done in many small, day-to-day ways. Little things add up, like making him a cup of coffee every morning or telling her you appreciate how hard she works. When these caring gestures become habits, it’s a sign a relationship is more likely to last.” ― Kurt Smith, therapist who specializes in counseling for men
3. You’re on the same page where it matters most.“One good sign your relationship will last: your basic values are closely in sync. Research shows in general that the more similar partners are on the most important things in life -– such as religion, money, whether to have children and how to raise them –- the more likely they are to wind up together for life. That’s why it’s good early in a relationship to have a serious ‘values discussion,’ because this basic orientation toward what matters most is unlikely to change.”― Karl Pillemer, professor of human development at Cornell University and author of 30 Lessons for Loving
4. You give each other the benefit of the doubt.
“This means that even if your partner did something that seems insensitive or unkind, like show up late for your big night, you assume that their intentions are good and that they are not trying to hurt you on purpose. Instead of looking for blame, you share how you feel and see if there’s a way to do it differently in the future. Or if they are going to always be late, find some acceptance for who you chose.” ― Celeste Hirschman, sex expert and author of Making Love Real
5. You don’t keep score.“Ideally, partners in a relationship do loving things for one another without expecting anything in return. They give freely, because giving to one another is reward enough. But that isn’t always the case. Many couples find themselves giving to the other in order to receive the same treatment in return. The problem is more than just a focus on giving in order to get: it’s when the arguments about ‘What you’re not doing for me’ start and partners start rolling out the scorecards: ‘I did the dishes five times last week!’ or ‘You’ve gone out with your friends five times since the last time I went.’ Instead of keeping score and waiting for the partner to make things fair for you, how about you just ask for what you want? Like, ‘I know we both hate doing the dishes, but how about we alternate weeks?’” ― Howes
6. You tackle problems together instead of avoiding them.“Tackling problems head-on is a sure sign of relationship health. Problems are part of life and don’t have to be viewed as something bad to be avoided. They can be opportunities to grow and strengthen your connection and commitment to each other. It takes courage to address problems, but the reward is a stronger, more secure relationship.”― Smith
7. You each take responsibility for your mistakes.“If each person is able to take responsibility for their part in challenging dynamics and admit when they are doing something from an upset or protective place instead of their calm, connected place, it makes a huge difference. Imagine one person saying, ‘I know when I get really upset I chase after you and that can be overwhelming’ and then the other one saying, ‘Yeah, it can, and I know I can shut down sometimes and that can be really scary for you.’ That’s a relationship that can last.” ― Danielle Harel, sex expert and author of Making Love Real
Go ahead and go to bed angry. If you or your spouse are exhausted, it’s better to save that heavy conversation for the morning, when you have the emotional bandwidth to handle it. If you’re sleep deprived, you’re more likely to get emotional and less likely to respond in calm, grownup way. Indeed, studies have shown that the brain’s emotional centers are more reactive when we’re sleep deprived.
Don’t buy into the myth that a happy relationship is argument-free. Successful, healthy couples do argue, they just handle fights better.
Counseling may seem like a waste of effort when things are going smoothly, but therapists around the country say it’s always a good time to stop in; you don’t need a huge problem to be the catalyst. (A strong case can even be made for going to a marriage therapist on your own, believe it or not.)
edited and adapted from an original article found here
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