It was the third week of January 2009 and I was back in the house in Detroit that was no longer a home... I was hurt, sad, and angry and without the hope that comes from love, yet somehow I had to muster the courage to if not move on, at least move forward. In those first few long days and nights, I recalled each step and misstep along the way with him and I realized why it wouldn't work for us. Our reactions to the love we'd found in each other were polar opposites. There was fear and lies, truth and courage, faith and false hopes...
Love made me brave, braver than I'd ever been in my life. It was love that made it possible for me to finally come out, not only to myself, but to everyone I loved and cared about. Love made me courageous and strong, and it made me not want to live in fear for another moment. I knew who I was for the first time with great certainty, and more importantly, I knew who I truly loved and I didn't care who knew it. But in looking back, I realized that love had the opposite effect on Stephen.
As the winter winds blew, I reflected on the tumultuous years that had led to both the highest and then the lowest moments of my life. I noted the many times that it was obvious that he was afraid of love, but of course at the time, love's blindness wouldn't let me see it for what it was. But late one wintery afternoon, now some 12 years ago, I remembered the time he explicitly told me so. I had reached the limits of my endurance, or so I thought, and I was at the airport in Charlotte waiting for a flight home to Detroit, when he sent this text, "I will, I'm more afraid to live without you."
I am always remembering...
"Fear Eats the Soul"
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