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Truth be told, a mama’s boy we are all not
There’s a stereotype, theme, and assumption that mothers and their gay sons have great relationships. You know how it goes —our society expects Dads to be distant with disapproval.
Those assumptions are because women report lower levels of homophobia toward gay men. Studies have also shown how women are more comfortable with gay men. And, many gay men also talk up their great relationships with their moms.
Psychologists used to think overbearing mothers and close relationships with mothers caused men to become gay. But, most psychologists know better now.
At least one psychologist has studied the relationship between male homosexuality and mothers.
Dr. Michael LaScala, a professor at Rutgers University, has demonstrated a causal link between male homosexuality and maternal relationships.
His studies show that close bonds with mothers don’t make their sons gay. Duh, we all know that, right? But, a gay son can make the bonds with mothers closer.
Well, let me raise my hand and say this is not always the case. Here’s one time I’ll say studies are not shoes that fit everyone. When you’re an outlier, studies are a lie for your life.
My mom was the homophobic parent. She was the one who told me I spoke like a girl. She was the one who told me to walk straight because with every step my hips switched from side to side. It was my mom who told me, “How do you know you don’t like it, you’ve never tried it.”
And my mom went on about religion and natural relations too. She told me to my face how she was not ready to accept me as a gay man. People who could tell I’m gay puzzled her.
My mom never expected me to be gay. And, her expectations lowered her acceptance and my hope. I never expected my mom to be that way either. She has a sibling who’s a transgender person.
When I ask my mom how she could feel that way with a sibling in my same alphabet soup she said, “It’s different when it’s your child.”
I’m sure there are more children like me, children who come out and don’t find a welcoming party in their mothers. And perhaps it hurts more because people banter, banner, and broadcast the greatness of these relationships.
Now, obviously, I’m a Black gay man. So, let me address what’s obvious. Does this mean Black moms are more homophobic?
I’d say no because the Black community is not more homophobic when compared to other communities. No Black LGBTQ person should accept extreme and strange Black homophobia as the norm.
But these mother and gay-child relationships aren’t always great. Mothers can be just as homophobic as Dads if not more.
It also means these relationships, like other relationships, can be an opportunity for healing and growth.
When my dad died on April 2, 2015, I lost my most affirming parent. My mom switched as she stepped in to fill that role. It took a death and my relationship with a man to make her alive to me.
Mothers don’t all have an automatic affinity toward their gay sons. They too may have work to do to undo homophobia.
Some mothers grapple with guilt over their gay sons. When my partner came out, his mom asked him if it was her fault or if she had done something to make him gay.
It’s best for everyone that the guilt begone. Moms do not have superpowers of cognitive and emotional abilities. Those expectations are a setup because exceptions abound. My mom was the exception and other moms may be the exception too.
I’ve learned that machismo does not come from men alone. We have to admit and deal with the fact that mothers can be the biggest proponents of patriarchy, toxic masculinity, and homophobia.
Mothers don’t always make our days or decades. And, for some of us, Mother’s Day is a day of mourning. We mourn not only because our mothers are gone, but because our mothers were never there.
Many of us must celebrate our moms for progress and not for perfection. I’d say that’s the only way to fully celebrate someone. And, in that way, there’s plenty to cheer for a lifetime.
So, I’ve taken my parents off the pedestal. I find the distance to fall is shorter that way. Once off the pedestal, the risk of injury falls too.
And, from the ground, we can now lift each other up and see eye to eye. It’s better when we’re both grounded all the time. So, the level place is the best place.
If you ask me, this is more than okay. I feel gayer this way and not grayer.
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