"The Truth About Who We Are..."

A Note From Xavier, from New Zealand…
by thegaymenproject
photo provided by Xavier

Xavier, in his own words: Since knowing I was ‘different’, but not identifying the difference as being ‘gay’ or as now ‘queer’ (historically this word was used out of hate and bigotry), in myself came from the early age of 9yo (in 1964) and started with some games (naked) with male ‘pals’ after school and weekends.

I myself went to a private boarding school in Wellington, where there were many opportunities to ‘have some fun’ both in school at some locations and then after dark in the dormitories, enjoyed by the few of us targeted (but not yet identified as ‘gay’ or ‘queer’) though certainly bullied and harassed as being ‘different’. A lot of this targeted hatred was unpleasant to say the best and other times became almost physical with violence from other boys, some even closeted themselves (to cover their own situation/s). Historically the school and staff seemed oblivious to these ‘goings on’ (recently, in 2018, I met a former school master, and discussed this at length), and uncovered some ‘daddy & son’ situations with students and masters.

It was not until my later 20s and early 30s, I fully felt comfortable to be ‘out’ to trusted friends, family happened later, but I am sure my mother knew for years. When she attended a hetero-wedding I was embarking on in the UK in 1980s, she asked me why I was marrying… hindsight is a marvelous thing. But back then that is what ‘we’ did to protect ourselves from the law and any possibility of being blackmailed or losing your job.

From my early 30s back in NZ, I became very involved in local gay community social and support groups, mostly ‘Spectrum’ in Nelson. We fostered and supported many young gay men at the time, though now sadly many of these groups no longer survive, though could be much needed even today.

I had many ‘liaisons’ over these years, as I moved forward with establishing my own identity. As an adoptee, this came with a lot of sadness and pain, after I finally uncovered my ‘blood’ family with origins from Koteze in Croatia. Whilst negotiating these traumas, I started university studies, as a mature student in Auckland, initially Fine Arts followed by a Masters, which I placed firmly into the ‘Queer Theory’ arena. This helped establish the comfort of my own queerness, both with my art, academic writing and subsequent queer networks. These have since allowed me to have had my work exhibited in queer art festivals both in NZ and abroad, with finally my research published in Germany.

Through these times, I have had relationships, though sadly none endured any length of happiness, as I believe and think we all crave in a friend or partner.

I hope through times all young LGBT people will someday feel safe, happy and confident in being ‘themselves’, and will recognize what many have been through before them to try and help create such a world.

I hope through time the nasty and aggressive elements of the LGBT communities; learn some courtesy and manners towards everyone.

My best wishes to you all and my thanks for the courtesy of allowing me to share but a little with you.

Xavier, Otago, New Zealand. April 2018