"And The Truth Shall Set You Free..."

15 Lies Closeted Gay Men Tell Themselves

Jerry Plaza
September 24, 2014


Being closeted gay men isn’t easy, but if there’s one force that constantly pushes us back in again it’s the never-ending chain of lies we tell ourselves. They’re usually associated with some form of denial and it’s never going to be a healthy thing moving forward.

I know I was a victim of the lies. Thankfully I had a great support group to help me realize the truth, but it didn’t come easy. Denial can become a lock and chain preventing our true selves from blossoming. Get rid of the lies and you will soon find a peace like you’ve never known before. Pass it on!

#1) It’s only a phase

Hate to break it to you, but if you think your orientation is a phase you might as well think your ears are too, or eyes, or nose. You might be able to cover your giant ears by growing your hair out or taking pictures from a certain angle, but guess what, you’ll always have them – it’s the same for orientation. It’s physiologically ingrained within you and no matter how much you deny it, these thoughts, urges, and feelings are always going to be there because they’re a part of your identity.

#2) I always feel guilty after I watch porn. That means something right?

I feel guilty after I eat two slices of cheesecake, but it doesn’t mean I hate cheesecake. We always feel guilty when we do something we’ve convinced ourselves is “bad” or “naughty” or “distasteful.” You didn’t commit a crime – that’s a different level of guilt. If you have the urge to watch gay porn or think about sex, you’re merely feeding your mind and soul the very thing it’s craving. It’s society that convinces you it’s a bad thing, hence the guilt afterwards.

#3) That’s the last time I’m watching gay porn

Let’s be honest. We’ve all played this game and we all know it’s just a matter of time before you start clicking the words “gay porn” in your browser again. Let go of the preconceived notion that you’re somehow channeling evil when you pleasure yourself – it’s only doing more damage to your psyche.

#4) If I work or pray hard, I can fix this thing

You can’t change who you are. The American Psychologist Association has said for years that attempts of trying to change your orientation is a form of mental abuse. You will put yourself self through so much unnecessary trauma – sometimes it can be irreversible. Work through it by talking to yourself and finding peace with who you are, minus the countless of voices trying to convince you otherwise.

#5) If I try to be manlier, no one will see through me

Sudden bursts of personality changes do nothing but, well, change your personality. Just because you play sports, become more aggressive at parties or try to act like all you’re interested in are girls and beer, you’re doing nothing but distracting everyone for a very short while. The more you try, the more transparent you’ll become – it’s the number one rule of sociology.

#6) I must be straight because I have sex with girls

The act of sex means nothing. This is what most religious radicals get wrong. They’ve convinced the world that by not acting on sexual urges, you are therefore pleasing God and not becoming a homosexual. You can “choose” to have sex with someone, so therefore homosexuality is a “choice.” Trust me on this, the act of sex in the long run means very little in your physiological structuring. Our orientations are ingrained within us; just because we might have sex with a woman doesn’t mean we’re straight. Just because a bisexual man is currently dating a woman doesn’t mean he’s straight. You are your identity.

#7) Gay people don’t live happy lives

Get this lie out of your head. The definition of a happy life is peace, tranquility, and contentment within yourself and where your life is. An out gay person is being his true self and carries virtually no weight on his shoulders in regards to who he is. Someone in the closet, however, carries tons. One can argue in that case that living a closeted life is much more depressing than any life of an openly gay person.

#8) I’m just experimenting right now, but later in life I’ll marry a woman

Sure, this might be true should you so choose. But at the end of the day, these feelings are never going to disappear because they’re an innate part of your psyche. So yes, you might marry a woman but you’ll never be as satisfied and there will always be something eating away at you. Isn’t it better to try and figure out who you are first, then make an appropriate decision about where you’re headed?

#9) Maybe I’m just metrosexual

Metrosexuals rely on the exterior, not the interior. You might dress well and stuff – more power to you – but homosexual thoughts should be a pretty big sign that it’s more than skin or clothing deep, don’t you think?

#10) I’ll miss the joys of having a family

A family unit isn’t about a mother and father. Sure you require both create a baby, but you don’t need both to make a family. The ideas of families are changing. If you say that two gay dads aren’t a family, you might as well say that single parent homes are equally as broken.

#11) I’m much less stressed out when I’m in the closet

This is a huge lie. Living in the closet is never going to be a peaceful experience. You’re constantly fighting who you are and burying yourself in denial. It might be less stressful in the sense that you don’t have to deal with the coming out process with your family and friends, but the thing is your life is your own and no one else’s. Staying in the closet to please other people is only going to affect you.

#12) There’s no such thing as homosexuality

Where did you hear that? Think long and hard – church, family, friends, the bible, TV, magazines? The more you let straight people (who obviously don’t know what it’s like to be queer) tell you who you are, the more you’re going to be sent down a never-ending spiral of questions. Think for yourself and you’ll know the truth because it’s yours.

#13) Everyone will be disappointed in me

There might be rough times, but there’s always going to be rough times in life when someone is given surprising news. They won’t be disappointed – that only comes from when you do something really bad, like breaking the law. They might be somewhat surprised and will require explanations about it – that’s okay! Don’t confuse tears for disappointment. Parents want what’s best for their children. Be there for them and have them know that this realization is the bravest and most important thing you’ll ever do.

#14) I can’t imagine dating a man

You can’t imagine dating a man because you aren’t letting yourself imagine it. It’s not easy letting go of a internalized homophobia, but trust me, the second you find peace about who you are, you will open yourself to the possibilities of romance. First, you need to let yourself get to that place.

#15) Gay sex is awkward so, therefore, it’s unnatural for me. Hey, I’m straight!

I admit, gay sex was awkward for me at the beginning (when I was in the closet still), but it was because I never saw it as something real. It was something experimental and even while I was in the moment, I was associating the act as evil and unnatural – that will no doubt make anyone feel awkward. Sex is always awkward your first time, whether it’s with a man or a woman. It’s new, unknown, and vulnerable. It might be awkward the first two, three or even four times, but it says nothing about your orientation.

*****

In my own journey, in one way or another, I told myself all of these lies and more as I struggled to come to terms with the truth of my heart that I'd always known since I was just a little boy. Exercising these demons was a long and slow process that was complicated by the times and circumstances of my life.  I often look back on my life with great regret that I lived lies like these for so many years.  Nevertheless, I am so happy for the gay youth of today who should have a much easier time of coming to terms with coming out.  The world has changed, it does get better.

"Fear Eats the Soul"

Originally posted in 2014