"A Little Sane Advice..."

Man Moves In With Boyfriend, Is Only Offered 'Closet'

Amy Dickinson
Ask Amy Advice Column
Detroit Free Press
March 4, 2016

Dear Amy: My boyfriend and I (we are gay) have been together for three years.
I used to travel for work, and he hated it. So I quit my old job and found something closer to home. Now he has bought a house and wants me to move in with him.

I have started moving my little stuff into the house, but we argue over the way the house is decorated. It’s all his stuff. I don’t really mind that — I want him to be happy!

He is in the closet, so I’m not really invited to anything with his family. That makes me sad, and I have a feeling that’s why he doesn’t want my stuff around the house.

So, do I give him an ultimatum before I move in? Should I insist that his parents know about us, or I won’t move in? Please help! — Concerned C

Dear C: An ultimatum might miraculously force your boyfriend out of the closet, but because you have already surrendered so much of your autonomy to him, I wonder at your ability to make and enforce an ultimatum. You’ve already changed jobs and moved some of your little things into his house, so you don’t have much leverage, ultimatum-wise. The leverage you do have is to consider leaving the relationship altogether.

Contemplate life with this closeted and controlling man: Whenever family members show up, you’ll likely be asked to squirrel away your little things and retreat to a coffee shop. Likewise for certain friends of his, and colleagues. You will not be welcomed to any family events.

Really — your boyfriend has forced you into the closet, while he gets to live more or less out in the open.

Perhaps you two can start out by openly introducing yourselves to his family members as “roommates,” letting them draw their own conclusions over time. I’m very sorry to even recommend this age-old lie, but if you aren’t willing to leave the relationship, this might be the best you can do.