"And The Truth Shall Set You Free..."

This is not Charlie*

“I decided at about age 9 or 10 that I was going to fake being straight for the rest of my life.”

From the series, 
"Coming Out: Audio, Photos and Stories of Gay Teens

My name is Charlie, I am currently 16, and I knew I was gay when I was 5.

When most people hear me say that, they ask, "You were thinking about sex when you were 5?"

Of course I wasn't. I thought certain boys in my class were cute. I liked them, it's as  simple as that. By that point, I had been taught that being gay was wrong. The church told me God hates gays, and that they're truly unholy. So I hated myself. At age 6, I was absolutely terrified that I was going to go to hell because I was gay. I was afraid to get too close to other boys growing up, and I was afraid to like things such as musicals or show tunes. I was afraid that someone would accuse me of being gay, and I would be completely ostracized.

When I was 9, I contemplated suicide. I was almost certain that God had made a mistake and that I was wrong. Every night, I would pray to God that I would be straight, and that he would love me. That prayer never came true, and I thought God was ignoring me. I kept thinking about never being able to go to anyone about this, and just feeling completely alone. I kept asking myself, "What are you going to do when you get older?" So, I decided at about age 9 or 10, that I was going to fake being straight for the rest of my life, and I'm going to grow old and die alone. So I started getting used to the idea of living alone.

At about age 11, my family moved to a tiny town in West Virginia called Weston. Weston is a minuscule town nestled in the mountains with a population of 4,317 people (according to the 2000 census). The town's key icon is a closed insane asylum, if that tells you anything.  Everything was fine for the most part, until I reached high school four years later.

By then, I'd already had several girlfriends. I had lied to all of them, and I even went so far to tell them I loved them, because I wanted to believe it was true. I still hated myself, and besides my best friend, I stayed distant from most people. I had acquaintances, but I couldn't talk to them about anything serious. Every night I prayed, and every morning I woke up disappointed. I met my best friend, Nolan, in sixth grade in math class, and he became like a brother to me. We spent literally every weekend at each other’s house. I really trusted him, but I still couldn't bring myself to tell anyone else about my sexuality.

During my freshman year at high school, I met a whole plethora of new friends. I found out that I wasn't the only gay person in this town (yes, for a while, I really thought I was the only one). Having so many accepting people around me really contributed to me coming to terms with who I was. It made me feel a bit more comfortable in my own skin, but that feeling ended when the harassment began. One day, I had just finished up an exam, and I was walking back to my classroom. There were two guys at the end of the hallway, glancing my way then laughing. When I got close enough, they said, "Hey, sweetie," in a very stereotypical gay voice and then continued, suggesting sexual acts I can't repeat.   As I walked away, they called me by a slur and then kept repeating it. So I started feeling insecure again. I started feeling like I was a mistake. A few weeks later, I was sitting at the lunch table with my friends when someone threw a piece of bread at me. I looked around and this girl got up, and starting throwing food at me. All her friends around her were laughing as she called me that name again. They eventually got up and left, but one girl came back and threw a spoon full of mashed potatoes at me. I still have no idea why she did that, but again, I felt insecure. I reported the incidents, but the only thing that came of it was me being called to the counselor's office to talk about it.

Freshman year was rough, but soon I became a sophomore. That's the year I discovered the It Gets Better project. I watched dozens of videos for days. So one Thursday morning, I was just sitting in biology, and I suddenly wanted to "come out," as it's referred to. I just felt so ... excited! At first, I told myself I would come out Monday, but then I thought, "Why wait? I'll do it today." So I decided to tell my creative writing class. The people in my creative writing class became as close as family as the year went on, and I thought I could trust them. So for the next two periods, I was literally shaking with anticipation. In creative writing, we sometimes do "spark words," which is when we choose a topic, and then just write about it. So I went up to my teacher, and requested that today's spark word be "dark secrets." Looking back, my handwriting was just AWFUL, because I was shaking so much. And this is what I wrote, and then read to the class:

"I don't know if what I'm about to do is really brave, or really dumb. I've wanted to do this all day, but my heart is pounding, and I'm terrified. I have a confession to make, and I've been hiding it for about seven or eight years now. I just have to trust everyone ... Okay, this is the biggest step of my life, and you all are about to be the first to hear it. I'm gay. Some of you may have suspected it, but I want you to know I'm still the same person. I still hate 'Twilight,' and I still believe 'Twilight's' cast and Justin Bieber can go die in a domestic fire. If you guys hate me, I'm really sorry to hear it because I really could use some friends right now. I'm tired of lying, and I feel getting this off my chest will take a few links out of the chain that binds me down."

At this point, I bury my face in my books, and start crying. I didn't know what to expect at all, but pretty soon, my entire class got up, hugged me, and said, "We love you so much!"

And the rest was history. That day, I got home, told my family, and they were all fine with it. Even my grandparents. If anything, my friends loved me more, and my mom's relationship with me grew stronger. I was so happy, I didn't know what to do with myself. I mean, what can you do with yourself when the day you think will never come finally comes? I've become so much happier, and so much more secure with myself since I finally worked up the courage to say what I said. I still get harassed, and I've even been threatened to be hanged, but me coming to terms with who I was meant that it's not my problem. If you don't like it, than it's your problem. I hear the words "faggot" and "queer" on a daily basis, but I wouldn't have changed my mind for anything. I've joined a church that accepts everyone, I'm a very religious boy, and I even have a date with someone. Being a teenager sucks, but accepting myself seemed to brighten the spectrum. I can honestly say without a doubt, it does get better.

Charlie Schenck
16 years old
Weston, W.Va.

******

"Fear Eats the Soul"

* The photo above is for illustration only and is not Charlie Schenck. The photo is a still from the 2011 South African film, "Lucky" (available on Netflix).