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8 Things That Gay Men Need to Stop Saying

11/14/2013
Mark Brennan Rosenberg

I love gay men. I love to sleep with gay men. I love to hang out with gay men. I love to be a gay man. But for a group of people who are, for the most part, extremely intelligent, we say a lot of stupid things, some of which make no sense at all. Below are eight things that gay men say frequently (hell, even I say some of these things occasionally!) but need to stop saying immediately. The next time you hear one of the following sentences come out of your mouth, stop and think about what you just said and whether or not it makes sense. Or don't. I mean, live your life. YOLO. It's only a suggestion. Just remember that we really are smarter than we sometimes sound.

"I'm straight-acting."

Most of the straight men I know don't like other men's penises in or near them at any point in the day, or ever, for that matter. I understand if you're a gay man who likes sports, but in no way does that make you straight-acting, because you like dick, and straight men do not.

"Have you switched teams yet?"

We strive to teach others that our homosexuality was not a choice, so why do we feel the need to ask our hot straight friends if they've "switched teams yet"? Although we always welcome hot new arrivals to the gay club, we know that it wasn't a choice for any of us. Asking straight people if they've decided to be gay yet just sets us all back a few decades.

"This is giving me life!"

We gay men have a flair for the dramatic. (Face it: We do. It's OK to admit it. I mean, what would musical theater be without us?) But some of the dramatic sayings we've adopted are just plain silly, like saying, "This [insert noun here] is giving me life!" How can a scarf give you life unless you're literally freezing? How can a plate of egg white omelets give you life unless you're literally starving? I'm pretty sure that the only thing that gave you life was your mother, and if you're too busy saying that everything else in the world is giving you life, you most likely owe her a phone call.

"Do you want to sleep with other people?"

If your relationship isn't working, how about asking, "Do you want to break up?" I've met maybe one straight person who's ever posed this question to a partner, but for whatever reason, it's commonplace in gay relationships. When things get bad, instead of breaking up or working things out in therapy (do people still do that?), gay men always raise this question. If you really love your partner, this should never be asked.

"You're so pretty for a lesbian."

Megan Fox, Angelina Jolie and Drew Barrymore have all confessed to either dating women or canoodling with them at one point or another. We gay men don't like being called "sissy fairies," and I'm pretty sure our female counterparts don't like being bullied about their looks. I mean, the mom from Family Ties is a lesbian. Translation: Lesbians are awesome and all somehow know Michael J. Fox.

"This is everything!"

"This coat is everything!" "This bag is everything!" "These scallops are everything!" Well, if everything is everything, which seems to be the case, then everything is essentially nothing. So the next time you walk down the street and, in one breath, mention how a homeless woman, a man's red blazer at Macy's, a pile of old newspapers, the Virgin Mary, the Broadway musical Pippin, the random member of Destiny's Child who was only around for the "Jumpin' Jumpin'" video, Wyoming Gov. Matt Mead and Trading Spaces' Paige Davis are "everything," really think about what the word "everything" means. It means "all that exists," so more than one thing cannot technically be everything.

Calling each other "girl."

Gay men are men, not women. When using the word "girls," one should be referring to either young females or that moderately funny TV show that features Lena Dunham's breasts every 15 seconds and that kind-of-hot NBC Nightly News anchor's daughter, not other gay men.

"You are living!"

I have to laugh when gay men say things like, "You are living in that tank top!" or, "You are living in those new Prada loafers!" Of course I'm living. If I weren't living, I would be dead and most likely not in a tank top (and that would be sad, because I love tank tops). I'm not exactly sure how a tank top or a pair of loafers factors into whether or not I am still breathing. That's because this saying, just like the other seven, make absolutely no sense at all.

All right, men, let's make a conscious effort to omit these sayings from our everyday lives. Or don't. It's only a suggestion. I mean, YOLO, right?