I often told Stephen that Christmas Day 2006 was the best day of my entire life and that it would only ever be eclipsed by our wedding day... This despite the fact that I had just before Christmas endured the greatest disappointment I'd ever known in my life because Stephen Christopher Harris lives his life in fear...
In late October 2006, Stephen and I recognizing that we were deeply in love, agreed that we were going to marry in Ontario, Canada on January 15, 2007 and begin a new life together. So by mid-December, I had investigated what we needed to do to obtain our license and I'd also found a wedding facilitator to help us arrange a ceremony. Because I was divorced, Canadian law required a few extra steps including a Canadian lawyer's opinion on my U.S. divorce. Because of this, Stephen and I needed to apply for our license at least 4 weeks before our intended date.
I'd obtained the applications and Stephen came over to fill them out with me. When he came he said he couldn't find his passport (I knew it was a lie), which was required of non-citizens of Canada. But we sat down anyway and he stared at the forms for more than a few minutes before he finally picked up his pen to write his name down. He didn't get past "Stephen..." and when I asked him what was wrong, at first he didn't say anything. Then as he crumpled the form, he said, "I can't do it, I can't marry a man, it's against God's word..." I was dumbfounded, but not surprised - we'd had much discussion about this before that day, and I was then and still am of the opinion that "God" was just a convenient excuse for Stephen to avoid commitment to anything or anyone. But despite everything that had been said before that day, he agreed we'd be married and I knew it was the only way we'd ever know any real happiness.
That day, as we sat looking at the crumpled form, Stephen complained that we didn't need to be married. He said he could be faithful, truthful, honest, loving, and caring and my partner for life without a marriage between us. And though I knew it was not so, and more importantly, I knew it was not so because of a "word of wisdom" I'd received, I tried to accept what he was saying. I loved him with all my heart, and I told him I'd think about it and try to go along with what he wanted, even though it made a liar out him and a heretic out of me. That day was about a week before Christmas 2006.
Although we talked every day and saw each other almost every day during that week before Christmas, I was deeply hurt that he'd gone back on his word. That we were supposed to be beginning a new life together and it's starting point would be the greatest lie and disappointment I'd ever experienced was a hard pill for me to swallow. But love is a strange thing, and my love for Stephen was (and is still) true... and because of that, I found I was willing to do almost anything to make the one I loved happy. So, I struggled to resign myself to what he said he wanted as I prepared for our first Christmas.
I think in Stephen's mind, that we were going to celebrate Christmas together was a sufficient consolation for me... In November, when he told me about his not celebrating Christmas, I shared with him the holiday's great significance to me in terms of tradition and more importantly, it's effect on my well-being. And so he happily acquiesced that we'd celebrate the day together with the exchanging of gifts (as he admitted he'd always done with Mike Fisher) and a special dinner that I'd prepare for us.
I'd told Stephen of how when I was a boy, Christmas was the only "peaceful and happy time" for me during the course of a year, and then he seemed to understand why it still engendered such feelings for me. I told him of how when I was in school, I was the subject of constant bullying and ridicule because somehow the other kids could tell I was gay... and of how I'd come home from that everyday, to experience the violence in my family's home resulting from the break up of my parent's marriage. And then, there was always my older brother to deal with... having discovered I was gay, he made life at home a living hell for me from when I was ten years old onward.
But at Christmas, there was "peace" - I didn't have to go to school, so no daily whipping from my father because I didn't want to go. There were no bullies to deal with, no fights, no running, no hiding... And my parents always declared a "Christmas Truce" and things were always calm (even loving) between them the entire week of Christmas and through New Year's Day... Even my brother, pretty much let me be during that time of year... Yes, "peace and goodwill," and "well-being" became highly associated in my mind with Christmas - so much so, that by Christmas Day 1980 (which was also the day my father left our family home for the last time) I would forever look forward to Christmas and the traditions and celebrations that reminded me of the two weeks or so that I felt human every year as a troubled boy and later a young man.
To thank Stephen for his consideration of my "need" for Christmas, I told him the menu for our dinner would be whatever he wanted... This is what he chose:
In late October 2006, Stephen and I recognizing that we were deeply in love, agreed that we were going to marry in Ontario, Canada on January 15, 2007 and begin a new life together. So by mid-December, I had investigated what we needed to do to obtain our license and I'd also found a wedding facilitator to help us arrange a ceremony. Because I was divorced, Canadian law required a few extra steps including a Canadian lawyer's opinion on my U.S. divorce. Because of this, Stephen and I needed to apply for our license at least 4 weeks before our intended date.
I'd obtained the applications and Stephen came over to fill them out with me. When he came he said he couldn't find his passport (I knew it was a lie), which was required of non-citizens of Canada. But we sat down anyway and he stared at the forms for more than a few minutes before he finally picked up his pen to write his name down. He didn't get past "Stephen..." and when I asked him what was wrong, at first he didn't say anything. Then as he crumpled the form, he said, "I can't do it, I can't marry a man, it's against God's word..." I was dumbfounded, but not surprised - we'd had much discussion about this before that day, and I was then and still am of the opinion that "God" was just a convenient excuse for Stephen to avoid commitment to anything or anyone. But despite everything that had been said before that day, he agreed we'd be married and I knew it was the only way we'd ever know any real happiness.
That day, as we sat looking at the crumpled form, Stephen complained that we didn't need to be married. He said he could be faithful, truthful, honest, loving, and caring and my partner for life without a marriage between us. And though I knew it was not so, and more importantly, I knew it was not so because of a "word of wisdom" I'd received, I tried to accept what he was saying. I loved him with all my heart, and I told him I'd think about it and try to go along with what he wanted, even though it made a liar out him and a heretic out of me. That day was about a week before Christmas 2006.
Although we talked every day and saw each other almost every day during that week before Christmas, I was deeply hurt that he'd gone back on his word. That we were supposed to be beginning a new life together and it's starting point would be the greatest lie and disappointment I'd ever experienced was a hard pill for me to swallow. But love is a strange thing, and my love for Stephen was (and is still) true... and because of that, I found I was willing to do almost anything to make the one I loved happy. So, I struggled to resign myself to what he said he wanted as I prepared for our first Christmas.
I think in Stephen's mind, that we were going to celebrate Christmas together was a sufficient consolation for me... In November, when he told me about his not celebrating Christmas, I shared with him the holiday's great significance to me in terms of tradition and more importantly, it's effect on my well-being. And so he happily acquiesced that we'd celebrate the day together with the exchanging of gifts (as he admitted he'd always done with Mike Fisher) and a special dinner that I'd prepare for us.
I'd told Stephen of how when I was a boy, Christmas was the only "peaceful and happy time" for me during the course of a year, and then he seemed to understand why it still engendered such feelings for me. I told him of how when I was in school, I was the subject of constant bullying and ridicule because somehow the other kids could tell I was gay... and of how I'd come home from that everyday, to experience the violence in my family's home resulting from the break up of my parent's marriage. And then, there was always my older brother to deal with... having discovered I was gay, he made life at home a living hell for me from when I was ten years old onward.
But at Christmas, there was "peace" - I didn't have to go to school, so no daily whipping from my father because I didn't want to go. There were no bullies to deal with, no fights, no running, no hiding... And my parents always declared a "Christmas Truce" and things were always calm (even loving) between them the entire week of Christmas and through New Year's Day... Even my brother, pretty much let me be during that time of year... Yes, "peace and goodwill," and "well-being" became highly associated in my mind with Christmas - so much so, that by Christmas Day 1980 (which was also the day my father left our family home for the last time) I would forever look forward to Christmas and the traditions and celebrations that reminded me of the two weeks or so that I felt human every year as a troubled boy and later a young man.
To thank Stephen for his consideration of my "need" for Christmas, I told him the menu for our dinner would be whatever he wanted... This is what he chose:
Appetizer
Deviled Eggs and Relishes
Soup
Creamy Tomato Basil
Entree
Entree
Beef Wellington and Asparagus with Holandaise Sauce
Desserts
Raisin Pound Cake
Petit Fours
Yule Log,
Butter Cookies
Miniature Patis Chou
Wines
Hearty Burgundy
Cherry Merlot
Though my heart was very heavy realizing he was not a man of his word - not the man I thought he was... because I loved him, I prepared for Christmas all that week by cleaning the house and shopping for the special meal he wanted...
"Fear Eats the Soul"
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