"And The Truth Shall Set You Free..."

I Am Gus

By Wendle Whiting,
Aspen Daily News Columnist
January 28, 2016

Everyone has their own journey through life. When you are born you are gifted an amazing and complex vehicle to use: your body. Life itself powers your trip, and if you are careful, lucky, and wise, you’ll have enough fuel to get to the end of this marvelous journey. There are few rules to follow. However, there is one absolute — the voyage has a beginning and there will be an end.

Wendell Whiting says he was inspired
to come out by Gus Kenworthy

You can travel from point to point, visiting the sites of life solo, capturing memories and moving on. After each visit an item is ticked off your list. Alone these experiences are like passing the mile markers on a desolate highway; each one means the end is closer but each mile looks like the last. But at the same time you may witness other travelers, paired together, finding joy in companionship. Perhaps the greatest of human experiences during this journey is finding a travel partner. Without love, the journey is mundane.

For some of these solo travelers, love is inhibited. They are born with a body that is only attracted to other adventurers of the same gender, consequently love is avoided; they can’t risk being seen as a defective person. This stigma finds its source from both an internal confusion and shame, and from the external intimidation by much of society. However, the unique travelers had no choice about the body they were destined to start their journey with. If you are a humanist, it is a destiny determined by the genes given to them when their parents had a special layover on their journeys together. If you are spiritual, it is a destiny given them by higher powers.

You don’t get to choose your body. That’s a rule. The way you live life is to either acknowledge the truth of your existence, or hide. There is an eventuality though to the decision to hide: One day near the end of your journey you will look back and ask yourself, “For what reason did I deny myself the greatest experience of human life?” And then the trip will come to its inevitable end without a chance for a do-over. The opportunity to experience the greatest gift of life — love, will be missed.

That’s sad… and that is the story of my journey so far. I’m going to change that right now.

I am gay.

Today begins the rest of my journey. I simply cannot count down any more lonely days to the final mile of my trip.

There is one person that bears the most responsibility for motivating me to finally do what is right: Gus Kenworthy.

Today, Gus begins competing for the biggest prize of the extreme sports world, an X-Games gold, and it’s the first time he’ll be doing it as an openly gay man. I’ve followed his story closely since he came out on the cover of ESPN magazine. A fellow Coloradan from a mountain town, his story was relatable and much of what he said then, and since, resonated with me. Gus posted a picture of himself the day of his announcement exposing genuine tears of relief and joy. You can see in his eyes the great good he did for himself, and he described that moment as feeling as if the weight of the world was finally lifted from his shoulders. Every time I try to talk myself out of writing this column that picture reminds me of what is at stake.

Gus has given a gigantic push to his peers, and this generation, toward realizing that the stereotypes that defined gay people for so long are not the reality. Gus is making it easier for others by showing the world that he’s not a flawed human being. He’s a successful extreme athlete, and gay. So what? His honesty about living closeted and his reasons for choosing to do so are unique to him, and that’s the most poignant point: they are unique to each of us, and almost always difficult.

Gus knew that when he came out the world’s interest would be piqued. Our culture has become obsessed with other people’s business, especially when they are breaking molds, but he gathered the courage and did it anyway. He sacrificed what would have been his own private experience, if only he had been just another kid from a small town in Colorado whom the world didn’t know.

He’s shown class, composure and bravery with his very public coming out, but mainly he’s shown that he’s just a normal guy. That makes it easier for others, like me, who are 
struggling with our own lot in life. We now see that the world is accepting him as just another regular ski bro. The world hasn’t ended. And Gus is clearly happier.

One part of Gus’ story offers a bit of insight into why I have waited so long to seek peace and acceptance with my existence; here our stories diverge significantly. While my life and what I do with it is my own business, I will share this one story as reasoning of the shame I’ve held so tightly. I feel like I owe a lot of people at least a little explanation. I anticipate the only negative response to this column will be from people who are going to be upset with me for not being honest until now, because they deeply care about my happiness.

Gus’ first experience with a man was with his friend. They were drunk, and Gus thought he’d make a move on him and if it went badly he’d just play it off as having had too much to drink. The friend ended up reciprocating the pass and they ended up in a five-year relationship together.

I had nearly the exact same experience during college. Except it didn’t end well. He was my greatest friend; in fact, he was the greatest friend I’ve ever had, we had been inseparable for years… and he essentially never spoke to me again. I ran away.

I tried to escape my feelings by moving here, to Aspen. I walled off my emotions, became stoic and just let time bring me closer to the end. Like a fugitive, I hid my secret deep in my heart. Over time, it just became the way I was. I forgot what love feels like.

The “best” years of my life kind of came and went, and now here I am, alone, and leaving those prime years behind. Gus’ story catalyzed the introspection that lead me to the question: Why am I cheating myself out of happiness? For what crazy reason am I choosing to do this to myself?

And the answer to those questions is that there is no good reason anymore. The simple fact is I don’t want to throw away my life. If I want to find love again, I’m going to have to risk it all or never have it.

Having been pushed toward sanity by Gus’ example, I recently began telling my closest friends. My hope was that there would be a flash of catharsis, and after a good deep cry, I would have that moment where I too feel like the weight of the world is lifted from my shoulders. So far that has not been my experience. I feel disassociated from what is happening and the weight is still there.

I thought, then, maybe the weight remained because I had no plans to tell my family. I was raised in a deeply religious environment. Not one particularly intolerant, but uncomfortable enough to make me feel like the last thing I should expose to my family was my deeply held belief that I was flawed. So maybe being honest to my closest friends, but not my family, wasn’t enough for my soul to feel free.

However, I rationalized that after all these years of being silent and isolated that the worst that could happen if I told my mother and brother was that they would never speak to me again, and that wasn’t a bad enough consequence to justify spending the rest of my life miserable. So I told them, and their response was a collective shrug of “whatever.” So now I am just left with one feeling: anger.

I am so angry with myself for thinking that this mattered to anyone I knew anymore. Times changed; but I didn’t.

Still, having told my mother and brother the truth, the two people whom I thought would be the hardest, I wasn’t relieved of the weight of the world… not entirely, but there was something tangible happening.

And I know now what is left to do to finally find my peace. I have to tell the rest of my family.

Aspen you are my family.

I’m sorry I lied to you all these years. I’m sorry I felt shame for being something that no one in this community would ever hold against me. Aspen is a unique and special place, and no matter how many stupid banks it builds it will always be the place I’m most proud to call home. I have faith that because I am now able to tell you the truth, today will be the day that brings me the liberation I need to finish what’s left of my journey. Without any more rules I may finally open my heart again to finding someone to share, and finish, my life’s journey.

Thanks for everything Gus. Good luck. I hope that without the weight of the world on your shoulders, you are able to sing out loud higher above the ground than ever before. The rest of the world will see that life’s adventure shouldn’t be held back by the body you are given at the beginning of life’s journey, it should be propelled. You will finally stand at the top of that hill and not have to hide that your companion is at the finish waiting to tell you, “I love you.” No matter what happens.

Wendle can be reached at @edquess or wendle@wendlewhiting.org

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"Fear Eats the Soul"