In actuality, I'd begun the process of coming out to myself about 2 years beforehand. Around 2002, in those relatively early days of the Internet. I discovered the online dating sites Yahoo Personals and Match.com and both of those sites allowed and featured profiles for people seeking someone of the same sex (not unusual now, but quite new 10 years ago). Although I was very deep in a very dark closet of self-denial and self-loathing, as I was rapidly approaching midlife, I began to wonder if I would really be alone for the rest of my life. And so I would read the profiles of men seeking men and I slowly began to wonder if romantic love was possible between two people of the same gender (for my entire life, in school and church, and even from what little I'd observed, I was led to believe it could not be so).
I remember spending countless hours perusing the profiles and looking at photos of men who "looked like me" but who spoke of things that I found both shocking and intriguing. And the more I looked, the more I wondered about myself and what I had always known about the truth of my heart. I remember having a decided preference for the profiles that spoke of romance and of finding something real and something more than just sex. At first, I rationalized that what I was doing was just an innocent pastime... "After all, I'm not gay, if I've never acted on it..." is what I'd tell myself. And yet, after a while, I began to save the photos of the men who's words seemed to mesh with my own understanding of what life and love are about. Yet, even so, a part of me, the self-hating part, loathed and detested the feelings of desire and affection that these men on the screen stirred deep within me.
More than once, while realizing that what I was looking at and reading was what my true heart desired, I was driven to the brink of suicide as I considered the implications of overcoming my fears and breaking my promise to my mother, the one I'd kept in secret since I was 5 years old. But I looked on anyway, and at times it soothed the painfulness of being quite literally alone in the world, starved for affection, companionship, and love. When I wasn't at work, or care giving for my ill mother, the little time that I devoted to myself was spent fantasizing about a life I was far too afraid to try to live.
After months of silently looking at what in many profiles seemed to me to be the promise of a real life that I was nonetheless afraid of, I had a good idea of what my heart wanted... it longed for another heart like mine, a man's heart - gentle yet strong and true... it wanted to know what love was, it wanted to know what it felt like not to be alone in the world. Then, when in the early months of 2004, my mother began her departure from the mortal life, my depression and fear of being truly alone drove me to the brink of brave desperation. I finally filled out my own profile thinking that perhaps someday, I'd be brave enough to "unhide" it and let the world know that I was indeed possessed of a human heart and a desire to love and be loved, albeit by a man.
My mother passed away on the 30th of April 2004, and on May 6th I "unhid" my profile and I reached out to the one man who's profile I had read many times over and over. Today, I'll call him John (although that's not his real name). Although John and I seemingly had nothing in common, reading between the lines, we both seemed to have similar hearts. I felt safe, in that he was hundreds of miles away in another city and though he was from another culture very different from my own (he was born and raised in Nigeria), from reading what he'd written in his profile, it seemed he wanted the same thing I did - the chance not to be alone in the world. He replied to my first email and we struck up a friendly banter in emails to one another as we shared and learned about each other's histories, hopes and dreams... I felt happy.
Fate is a fearfully wonderful thing... just 8 days later, business would take me to the city he lived in for nearly a week. At first, I was afraid to tell him it would be possible for us to meet. But before I left Detroit, I did tell him in an email, and promised if I could, I'd try to meet him while I was there. I remember on the flight, I sat with my eyes closed and played out in my mind's eye the consequences of all the fears that had possessed and paralyzed me for my entire adult life. I recall making up my mind as the pilot announced our decent, that I would only allow myself to befriend John, and nothing more... And this was after having only seen one picture of him, and having talked through emails for a little more than a week. But with the arrival of his photo and with every email I read, I felt a very strange and unfamiliar stirring in my heart - an inexplicable affection and desire to know this man who was so much like me and yet so very different as well.
When I arrived at my hotel, even before I unpacked my bags, I logged into Yahoo Personals on the room's webtv system and sent John an email, saying I'd arrived and giving him the phone number of the hotel and inviting him to call so that we might talk and decide when during the week we would meet. A short time later, the phone in my room rang and it was him... Listening through his African accent, his voice sounded as happy as mine. We talked about work and everything else and in the end we agreed that we'd meet for dinner the next night.
The next morning, I woke up and I looked at myself in the mirror, I realized how I looked both happy and afraid at the same time. As I shook off my dread of the unknown, I dressed and met my colleagues for breakfast and for the rest of the day, through my meetings, I daydreamed about allowing myself to listen to my heart and to live for at least a day without fear of what I knew to be true in my heart.
My work day ended with a cocktail reception at the hotel and as I hurriedly worked my way around the room so that I could make my departure, I felt my courage building. I remember thinking, "He may not like you in person or you him for that matter... But today may be the first day of a new life... I will not fear my own heart!" As I walked to the elevator, I felt nervous and happy, confident and glad... like a school boy (though in a few weeks I'd be 40) going on his first date ever. On the ride up to my floor, I realized "I was going on my first date," the first date that was not a pretense, not merely acting to keep up appearances, but rather spending time with someone I really felt something for and who I wanted to get to know... My first date with a man.
When I arrived at my room, I called John to let him know that I was free and he said he'd be at the hotel shortly. I told him to call me from the lobby and I'd come down to meet him. I remember going through rituals that seemed so unusual for me... I brushed my teeth, put on cologne, combed my hair (I still had hair then) and sat by the phone nervously waiting for a call from the lobby from John. When the phone did finally ring, for just a moment I was gripped by the fear that had held my heart captive for nearly 35 years. Then I answered and his voice seemed nervous too as he said, "Christopher, I'm in the lobby." I said, "I'll be right down" and with that hung up, leaped to my feet and headed to the elevators.
When I stepped out of the elevator, I scanned the lobby for John and I spotted him sitting facing away from me. I nervously walked towards him and when I got within speaking distance, I called his name and he stood up and turned around and I was shocked at how tall he was. He was as handsome as the photo he'd sent me and although we both nervously looked down a lot, we managed a handshake and a warm smile and we sat in the lobby for a few minutes to talk. Finally, our hunger reminded us that we were supposed to be going out for dinner. Since he lived there, I suggested that he should choose where we went. He explained that he didn't eat out often and wasn't sure what I'd like. Thankfully, I did have a suggestion... at my meetings many people were talking about a new 4 star french restaurant that had opened in a restored train station now a museum and it was only just a block or so away.
John was driving and we rode in his car for the short distance from my hotel to the restaurant. There was a nervousness in the air between us that disappeared as he spoke softly and opened doors for me and deferred to my every whim. The more we talked, the more comfortable we both became... I remember the meal was excellent and as we talked more and more, we didn't realize that although the restaurant had been very busy when we arrived, we were eventually the last table still seated. John and I were lost in a world of our own where we both felt free to be who we were... free to share our hopes and dreams and our desires for a life where the truth of our hearts need not be hidden. Finally, our waiter summoned up the courage to ask us for the umpteenth time if there was anything else he could get us, gingerly pointing out that the kitchen staff was preparing to depart and that we were the last diners in the restaurant. I hurriedly paid the check and left a generous tip for the inconvenience we'd caused the staff.
It was well past midnight as we left the restaurant. As we walked back to the car, I told John that my meetings were starting early the next day and that I'd better get back to the hotel. Again he opened the door for me and when he got in, he looked at me with eyes that seemed to see right through me - he thanked me for dinner and asked, "Will I see you again while you're here?" I said, "Yes, I really enjoyed your company... I really like you, John" Then, less than a minute later we were back at my hotel, and as we pulled into the drive, I said, "You can just drop me at the door." He took my hand, and said, "Thank you for a lovely evening, Mr. Flournoy" and I responded, "The pleasure was mine." As I stepped out of the car, I leaned back in and asked, "Are you free tomorrow - maybe we can have dinner again?" He said, "Yes, I'd like that... you can call me when you are done with your day." And with that, I strode into the hotel feeling for the first time in my life, like a whole person... I'd been true to my heart - what I was feeling for him was unlike anything else I'd ever experienced.
The date was May 16th 2004, and I was happy... and I was born again.
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"Fear Eats the Soul"
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