"It Can Be Like This..."

From: Coupled Up: Lee & Brandon
on
Living Out Loud with Darian

Lee and Brandon from Mobile, Alabama have been together for close to two years and for the first six months maintained a long distance relationship before they both settled down in Mobile.

Lee & Brandon on resolving conflict:

We solve all of our conflict with open communication. Although we haven't always used this concept, we understand that it's the only way to fully dissolve issues. If a problem comes up we talk it out at that given time until their is some kind of mutual ground or understanding met. There isn't much arguing in our relationship, but if necessary we will lock ourselves in a small room and won't come out until we have met a resolution.


On being an openly gay couple within an African-American family:

Before entering into our relationship we were both out to our families and they are completely supportive. We both feel that our families have meshed well with each other. Last Christmas Brandon's family invited my family over for dinner and gift sharing. So my family (mother, brother, sister, bro. in-law, neice) traveled the two hours to join forces. It was a great gathering that everyone enjoyed. My mom loves her some Brandon. Everytime I go home, before she can hug my neck, the first thing she says is "now why didn't you bring my Brandon."? Blaming me because he couldn't make the occasional trip.

Brandon's godmother, who is 78 years old, has been the greatest force within our relationship. She is always eager to share the secrets of her sucessful 50 year marriage. She has welcomed me into her home with open arms as if I was her son.

*******

"A life lived in fear is a life half-lived"

"In The News Today..."

Study Reveals Potential Evolutionary Role for Same-Sex Attraction
February 4, 2010

Male homosexuality doesn't make complete sense from an evolutionary point of view. It appears that the trait is heritable, but because homosexual men are much less likely to produce offspring than heterosexual men, shouldn't the genes for this trait have been extinguished long ago? What value could this sexual orientation have, that it has persisted for eons even without any discernible reproductive advantage?

One possible explanation is what evolutionary psychologists call the "kin selection hypothesis." What that means is that homosexuality may convey an indirect benefit by enhancing the survival prospects of close relatives. Specifically, the theory holds that homosexual men might enhance their own genetic prospects by being "helpers in the nest." By acting altruistically toward nieces and nephews, homosexual men would perpetuate the family genes, including some of their own.

Two evolutionary psychologists, Paul Vasey and Doug VanderLaan of the University of Lethbridge, Canada tested this idea for the past several years on the Pacific island of Samoa. They chose Samoa because males who prefer men as sexual partners are widely recognized and accepted there as a distinct gender category—called fa'afafine—neither man nor woman. The fa'afafine tend to be effeminate, and exclusively attracted to adult men as sexual partners. This clear demarcation makes it easier to identify a sample for study.

Past research has shown that the fa'afafine are much more altruistically inclined toward their nieces and nephews than either Samoan women or heterosexual men. They are willing to babysit a lot, tutor their nieces and nephews in art and music, and help out financially—paying for medical care and education and so forth. In a new study, the scientists set out to unravel the psychology of the fa'afafine, to see if their altruism is targeted specifically at kin rather than kids in general.

They recruited a large sample of fa'afafine, and comparable samples of women and heterosexual men. They gave them all a series of questionnaires, measuring their willingness to help their nieces and nephews in various ways—caretaking, gifts, teaching—and also their willingness to do these things for other, unrelated kids. The findings, reported on-line this week in the journal Psychological Science, lend strong support to the kin selection idea. Compared to Samoan women and heterosexual men, the fa'afafine showed a much weaker link between their avuncular - or uncle like - behavior and their altruism toward kids generally. This cognitive dissociation, the scientists argue, allows the fa'afafine to allocate their resources more efficiently and precisely to their kin—and thus enhance their own evolutionary prospects.

To compensate for being childless, each fa'afafine would have to somehow support the survival of two additional nieces or nephews who would otherwise not have existed. "If kin selection is the sole mechanism by which genes for male same-sex sexual attraction are maintained over time," the fa'afafine must be "super uncles" to earn their evolutionary keep, explains Vasey. Consequently, Vasey suggests "that the fa'afafine's avuncularity probably contributes "to the evolutionary survival of genes for male same-sex sexual attraction, but is unlikely to entirely offset the costs of not reproducing."

Do these findings have any meaning outside of Samoa? Yes and no. Samoan culture is very different from most Western cultures. Samoan culture is very localized, and centered on tight-knit extended families, whereas Western societies tend to be highly individualistic and homophobic. Families are also much more geographically dispersed in Western cultures, diminishing the role that bachelor uncles can play in the extended family, even if they choose to. But in this sense, the researchers say, Samoa's communitarian culture may be more—not less—representative of the environment in which male same-sex sexuality evolved eons ago. In that sense, it's not the bachelor uncle who is poorly adapted to the world, but rather the modern Western world that has evolved into an unwelcoming place.

Provided by Association for Psychological Science (news : web)

*******

I think there could be something to this... A common theme I've noticed amongst gay men I know including myself is that they are unusually dedicated to their nieces and nephews. I am no exception.

At one time or another, I have been a caregiver to all my nieces and nephews, so much so that in the case of my younger sister's children, they learned the word "uncle" before "daddy" and they were then somewhat confused... for a while, as they were learning to talk, and as they were being taught the pronouns for their male relatives they concluded that all of us most be uncles and so they called their father "uncle daddy" and their grandfathers "uncle grand daddy."

*******

"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every

purpose under the heaven..."

"The Truth Tonight..."

Stephen Christopher Harris

'Stop talking about love. Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing.''But it's true-''Still doesn't mean anything. What you feel only matters to you. It is what you do to the people you love; that's what matters. That's the only thing that counts.'

Stephen, in The Last Kiss (2006).

"In The News Today..."

Mullen’s Blog: My View on ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’
By Adm. Mike Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff

Special to American Forces Press Service
WASHINGTON, Feb. 3, 2010

“Over these last two months, the Chiefs and I have reviewed the fundamental premises behind ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell,’ as well as its application in practice over the last 16 years. We understand perfectly the President’s desire to see the law repealed and we owe him our best military advice about the impact this change in policy would have on the military.

“While the Chiefs and I have not developed our advice, we believe that any implementation plan for a policy permitting homosexuals to serve openly in the armed forces must be carefully derived, sufficiently thorough, and thoughtfully executed. The review group to be headed by Mr. Jeh Johnson and General Carter Ham will no doubt give us that time and an even deeper level of understanding.

“My personal belief is that allowing homosexuals to serve openly would be the right thing to do. I cannot escape being troubled by the fact that we have in place a policy which forces young men and women to lie about who they are in order to defend their fellow citizens. For me, it comes down to integrity -- theirs as individuals and ours as an institution.

“I also believe the great young men and women of our military can and would accommodate such a change, but I do not know this for a fact. I will not deny that during a time of two wars, such a major policy change will cause some disruption in the force. It also seems plausible that there will be legal, social, and perhaps even infrastructure changes to be made. These are some of the issues our review will address.

“But we would do well to remember that this is not an issue for the military leadership to decide. The current law and policy came from the American people through their elected officials. We will continue to obey that law, and we will obey whatever legislative and executive decisions come out of this debate.

“With Afghanistan, Iraq, and significant security commitments around the globe, our plate is very full. While I believe this is an important issue, I also believe we need to be mindful as we move forward of other pressing needs in the military. What our young men and women and their families want, what they deserve, is that we listen to them and act in their best interests.

“Balance and thoughtfulness is required. It’s what the President has promised us, and it’s what we ask of Congress as this debate moves forward.”

"Same Gender Loving People - No. 233"

"Love Is The Only Reason..."


Positive images of people like me... The truth of the matter is that we all need to see people like ourselves. So everyday, I'll post a photo, drawing or some other artwork that depicts Same Gender Loving People as what we are... Only Human.

"It Can Be Like This..."

From: Coupled Up: Christopher & Shelton

on

Living Out Loud with Darian

So often I hear the myth being perpetuated that same gender loving men of color aren't interested in or capable of having long-term relationships. Well this next couple I'm about to introduce you to in our ongoing "Coupled Up" series defies that myth. Meet Atlanta couple Christopher & Shelton. After being introduced to each other by a mutual friend eight years ago they're still going strong and have extended their love to include a son, five year old Jonathan.

Chris & Shelton on past relationships and how they knew this one was different:

Chris: We had dated other guys in the past and those relationships were fun but always revolved around superficial things like partying. We both were looking for a long-term commited relationship with the "house in the suburbs with the white picket fence and 2.5 kids". It was very encouraging to know that Shelton was supportive in my "coming-out" phase as that was a stressful time in my life.

Shelton: I also admired that Chris wasn't just interested in sex alone and was willing to take it slowly with the relationship. We both became good friends before we became lovers and to this day we are still best friends and can confide in each other our deepest secrets.

On coming out individually & as a couple:

Chris: Shelton was always more confident in his sexuality and came out to his family while in college in his early 20's. His family welcomed him with open-arms and indicated that they had known all along and was just waiting for him to be comfortable in his own skin.

Shelton: Chris, on the other hand, was not openly gay to his traditional Caribbean family but I encouraged him to be honest with them and with my support Chris composed a letter to his family regarding his relationship with his "room-mate" (as I was know to Chris' family back then).

Chris: After the storm cleared both families have embraced us with open-arms and we both regularly visit Shelton's family in North Carolina and my family in Florida for holidays each year. Our coming out has definitely made us closer with our families. We both have also lost some friends after coming-out but realize that these were not really friends after all.

On obstacles they've experienced maintaining a healthy relationship:

Chris: Most definitely homophobia! We both enjoy traveling and dining out and find it challenging in our society to express public displays of affection. One of our most memorable vacations was our trip to San Francisco as it was liberating to walk in the Castro district while holding hands with each other. We love Atlanta but still wish that it was more liberal and accepting of same gender relationships.

Shelton: We have the same problems in our relationships like other couples but we have always maintained that communication and honesty is the key to our bond. We try our hardest to listen to each other's side of the situation and compromise on the resolution.

On starting a family:

We both have always wanted to have kids and knew that was not negotiable in our future. We actually tried for one year to adopt kids through the foster care system in Georgia but after numerous rejections by social workers because the "kids would do better with a mother and a father" we decided to go the route of private adoption and within 1 week of employing an adoption agency we were matched with a birth-mother that was pregnant.

Everything went really quickly after that and one week later we were in the delivery room in Louisiana at the birth of our son, Jonathan. Our families were both thrilled to have a new baby in the family and Shelton's mom was overjoyed that he was born on her birthday. Having a child changed our life and many of our gay friends found it difficult to relate to our "domesticated lifestyle".


Responding to anti-gay critics who say children are best raised by two heterosexual parents:

We tell them the same thing that we tell our son and even he understands the basic premise - children need a loving family and the world is made up of different types of families. We believe strongly that the success of raising a child has nothing to do with the parents sexual preference but more so based on instilling good values in the child.

Chris & Shelton tells loldarian.com "that over the past 5 years since his (Jonathan's) birth we have changed the minds of some critics that thought that we would not be able to raise a child. One particular critic was Shelton's cousin Darrell who left an amazing message of support on Shelton's Facebook page after having a change of heart:

"All I can say is I have seen first hand how much two people can love each other and a child regardless of sex. Shelton is my cousin and one of my best friends and we love Chris & Jonathan just as much. My children adore Jonathan and love his company- he is one of their favorite cousins. I can't imagine not having Shelton, Chris & Jonathan in our lives.

I used to be obnoxious, ignorant and rude to many things and Shelton helped me become a better person and grow to learn that love truly has no boundaries. I admire your relationship and respect your freedom of choice. Together you guys have inspired me and my family in ways you may never know. I fully support you in all your endeavors and wish you all the happiness life has to offer. Together you all have done so much good. I know the future only holds brighter days. I pray that life continues to bring you joy and you both continue to be a blessing to my lil cousin."

*******

"A life lived in fear is a life half-lived"

"Same Gender Loving People - No. 232"

"Because Of Love We Are One..."


Positive images of people like me... The truth of the matter is that we all need to see people like ourselves. So everyday, I'll post a photo, drawing or some other artwork that depicts Same Gender Loving People as what we are... Only Human.

"The Artist's Corner"

"Notre cabane, loin du monde"

Acrylic on Canvas

Sven de Rennes

"In The News Today..."

Jeff Zarillo and Paul Katami

Prop. 8 Plaintiffs Speak

Jeff Zarrillo and Paul Katami, two of the four plaintiffs challenging California’s Prop. 8 in federal court, talk to Advocate.com about their resolve (and occasional nerves) during the testimony phase of the trial.

Posted February 01, 2010
By Andrew Harmon

Regardless of one’s position on the timing and prudence of Perry v. Schwarzenegger, the federal case challenging California’s anti-gay-marriage amendment, Proposition 8, it was difficult for many of those sitting in a San Francisco courtroom not to be moved by testimony of the two gay couples who filed suit in the face of inequity. On the stand, Jeff Zarrillo, Paul Katami, Sandy Stier, and Kristin Perry combined the conviction of longtime gay rights activists (which they are not) and the plainspoken delivery of ordinary people trying to live their lives and protect their families (which they are). Both Zarrillo and Katami were visibly emotional when speaking about their relationship: “I would be with him in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, death do us part, just like vows,” Zarrillo said. “I would do anything for him. And I want nothing more than to marry him.”

The testimony has concluded, but a decision in the case is still weeks away, with closing arguments likely in March or April. Zarrillo and Katami, who have been together for nearly nine years, recently spoke to Advocate.com about their legal team, led by attorneys Ted Olson and David Boies, and their experience in a suit that may ultimately be decided by the U.S. Supreme Court.

Advocate.com: What was it was like to be at the center of this trial?

Jeff Zarillo: There was such a range of emotions on the first day, listening to all the plaintiffs, to hear our experts detail long-standing discrimination against [gays and lesbians], our lack of real political power — we came out of this with teachable moments that we can use.

Seeing how impressive and how well-developed our legal team’s case was, how our experts were so credible, and how their experts were so not credible, I was struck by that. We all walked out of the courtroom with our heads held high.

Were you nervous going into your testimony?

Paul Katami: It was shocking how emotional the process was. You prepare as much as you possibly can, but on day 1, I was the most nervous I’ve ever been in my life. I was sick to my stomach and rendered a lump in the chair. But the minute Ted Olson stood up and encapsulated why we were there that day, my nerves just washed away. It was comforting, knowing that we deserve these rights, that we’re on the right side of the law. It gave me a sense of confidence and excitement. And on the final day of testimony, to see David Boies drop his bag, hug us, and say, “We’ve done this, and we did it right. It’s important that you are a part of this.” That was overwhelming.

Your legal team has used the phrase “teachable moments” to describe the social impact of this case — a notion derided by defenders of Prop. 8 (Andrew Pugno, an attorney for ProtectMarriage.com, said after opening statements, "This is a trial. This is not a campaign"). Why do you feel this is an important element to the suit?

Jeff: The education component is so important because the trial has a definitive amount of time. The education is ongoing and has to continue on every level. That’s ultimately going to help us to change the hearts and minds of those who may have disagreed with our case.

Paul: In our discussion with friends and family, sometimes I think the community outside of our initial circle thinks the conversation will always lead to heated arguments, and for that reason they choose not to engage. By being in the courtroom and looking at the factual evidence that shows how we have faced discrimination, these bullet points become crystallized because they’re based in historic fact. And we know we can use them as teachable moments in conversations we have with our friends and our neighbors. I only wish we could have had this prior to the Prop. 8 vote.

[Note: Transcripts of expert witness testimony from the trial are available here.]

Going into this lawsuit, did you see yourselves as marriage equality activists? And do you see yourself taking a national advocacy role outside of this case?

Paul: If you would have asked us a year and a half ago if Jeff and I were activists, I don’t think we would have defined ourselves that way. But this entire process has educated us every step of the way. ... When we step away from this case, in discussions we’ve had, we’d love to devote ourselves [to the cause].

Jeff: We’d absolutely be willing to be involved to the extent that we can be, and we’ll make those decisions in concert with AFER [American Foundation for Equal Rights, which was created to organize and help fund the lawsuit].

Paul, why do you think you were the only plaintiff to be cross-examined?

Paul: I think it’s because I was the only one who spoke in detail about the Yes on 8 campaigning tactics that I felt so harmed by. Those ads were so misleading, so untrue, with slogans created to create fear about harming children in order to sway the vote. That struck me to the core, and I could not sit with it. And that was a large part of my testimony.

You both testified that you decided not to seek a domestic partnership in California. Though unequal, a domestic partnership seems like a logical first step for any committed couple to obtain. Do you stand by that decision?

Jeff: We absolutely stand by that. We appreciate the work that’s been done to get those [domestic partnership] rights. But it still relegates us to a level of second-class citizenship. In the absence of no rights at all, a domestic partnership is a good thing, and we can respect fellow members of the LGBT community who make that decision. But at the end of the day, we want to be married.

The consequences of this suit cannot be overstated. How confident are you moving forward?

Jeff: I’ve got Ted Olson in my corner, so I think I’m ready. He’s the most recognizable face in front of the Supreme Court, and him making our argument for us lends such credibility to the argument itself.

*******

"A life lived in fear is a life half-lived"

"In The News Today..."

Military Leader Memo: Your Gay Soldiers are No Longer Worthless

Last night, I sat incredulous as I watched the joint chiefs of the military sit absolutely stone-faced and grim as President Obama reiterated his commitment to end Don't Ask, Don't Tell, their hands kept firmly and defiantly in their laps as most around them applauded.

I'm a gay Iraq war veteran, and I believe President Obama has been the greatest ally to LGBT people and gay veterans that we've ever had in a President. The risks he takes by simply including us in his plans to move forward with America continue to be vastly underestimated by most people, though I believe he will do much more, as evidenced by his words last night. To those supposed leaders of the United States military who watched our president with absolute revulsion as he announced his steps to end this, to those men whose faces brought back the memories of every time I was called a "faggot" while I served and forced to keep any affirmative response bottled up, thus "out" myself and lose all that I had risked everything for, I have this to say: gay veterans aren't worthless. I'm not worthless. The blood I shed was the same as every other soldier's, the tears I cried were the same, the bullets that I dodged the same; the life that I risked is the same. I'm not worthless or perverted or sick, and neither is any other gay person in this world, veteran or not. I was a gay soldier.

The time for other gay soldiers serving now to be able to say this openly is not whenever you feel comfortable, because judging from your faces that time may never come. As with any real, honest, and substantial change that has ever come, the time for this is right now.

In 1999, at 17, I entered the United States Army from a small town in Ohio, needing to find both a way in life and a way to finance the college education I so desperately needed to rise above my lower-middle class roots. My burgeoning sexuality was but a small thought in my mind, not really knowing what "gay" was, let alone whether it really described me, but that question would be answered in my mind during my formative years, which just so happened to be spent in the U.S. Army.

Now, I'm a gay veteran who risked my life for this country many times over during my time spent deployed in Iraq in 2003, and seeing their faces made my angry. It made me angry that no matter what I say or do, my service and that of many more like me is continually ignored by the dinosaurs that would be more than happy to keep DADT around forever if they had their way. They constantly make unfounded and unreliable responses about what ending it will "do" to the military, as if our military is weak enough to crumble at the very admission of homosexuality by any within its ranks. Forgive me for co-opting their slogan, but I think being "Army Strong" should be enough to handle a few gay soldiers serving openly.

I'll tell you what serving in the military under DADT did to me: It made my sexual orientation a secret shame which was never to be discussed under threat of dishonorable discharge and revocation of my benefits. It kept me distant from my fellow soldiers, for if I were to slip up and say a little too much about the real me for even a second, I couldn't trust that they wouldn't turn me in and end my career in a matter of weeks. It stunted my emotional and sexual development as a gay man so much that I was in my mid twenties before falling in love for the first time, something that happens for most people in their late teens. It sent me into the wrong places looking for the romantic affection that my heterosexual fellow soldiers were able to openly practice, discuss, and experience without the threat of disciplinary action. Most hurtful of all, being constantly reminded through DADT that my sexual orientation was bad, wrong, and perverted instilled a feeling of worthlessness in me that took years to undo following my honorable discharge from the military.

Having been an out gay man for the past 6 years following my service has allowed me to realize I couldn't have been more wrong about myself. I'm not worthless. My sexuality isn't "deviant," nor is it some secret shame that needs to be hidden so that the military establishment can continue to delude themselves into thinking they're doing the right thing by keeping military "values" firmly in line with something out of the 50's. To those "leaders," gay veterans aren't your dirty little secret anymore. We're not going to shut up, or go away, or stop shouting until those like us who currently serve are able to scream as loud as we are without the threat of disciplinary action. Thank you to President Obama for seeing this and acknowledging it, and shame on the alleged leaders of our military for continuing to remain so blind and so willfully ignorant.

Rob Smith is a freelance writer and veteran of the U.S. Army. He holds a Bachelor of Science degree in Advertising and Sociology from Syracuse University. His work has appeared on AfterElton.com and in USA Today, and he is currently working on a memoir detailing his time spent in the Army. Smith currently resides in New York City.

"Same Gender Loving People - No. 231"

"It's Just Love..."


Positive images of people like me... The truth of the matter is that we all need to see people like ourselves. So everyday, I'll post a photo, drawing or some other artwork that depicts Same Gender Loving People as what we are... Only Human.

"It Can Be Like This..."

From: "Coupled Up: Mike & Jon"
on
Living Out Loud with Darian

Mike & Jon on how they met:

Mike: I knew of Jon for about year or so prior to meeting him since he was on my yahoo messenger list and we were both members of a yahoo group called Brothaz United (BU); I was more of an active member, where as Jon more or less just read the e-mails. Jon and I both attended a BU bowling event, and I initially thought he was attractive but extremely quiet so I didn’t pursue him.

Jon: I got a new job and I was working with one of the moderators of the group; he invited me to several functions but I kept blowing him off, I eventually went to a bowling party they had and I saw Mike; we said hello and that was about it. A few weeks later I saw Mike at a bar in DC and we talked a little bit, exchanged numbers and would text each other once in a while. We eventually hung out and hit it off. We’ve been in a relationship almost 2 years.

Mike & Jon on whether or not they imagined this relationship would be long term:

Mike: When I met Jon he was so quiet, and by his mannerisms I assumed he was the type of gay man that was hyper masculine and would think I was too effeminate for him. But after our first date I knew he was the one for me. We talked all night and we had so many things in common like our military background, family life, tattoos, and future goals. That very night I knew I had found my soul mate.

Jon: Honestly I thought Mike would come over to my place we'd talk a little bit, have sex and that would be pretty much it; a lot of times that's what happens with gay men. I was ready for a relationship, but I had given up on it ever happening. Once he came over and we started talking it felt like I had known him my entire life. I knew that night Mike was the one for me and I wanted him to be my life partner/husband.

Mike & Jon on their courtship: Proceeding with caution vs jumping in:

Mike: They say that gay relationships move at the speed of lightening and fall apart even quicker. So in the beginning I knew that Jon was going to be in my life for the long haul, but I was unsure if he felt the same way. So in the beginning I just took it day by day, and after two months we moved in together. I know some people may say that we moved too fast, but in my heart I just knew that he was the one for me. I’ve been in relationships before but I never had the feelings that I have for Jon. It’s hard to put it in to words. We just really clicked on so many different levels.

Jon: I knew the first night Mike was the one for me, and I think he felt the same way. We proceeded with caution because neither one of us wanted to put ourselves out there and end up being hurt. After about the second month we both knew the relationship was serious. I was always at Mikes place and I eventfully moved in with him, that was a big step because I gave up my place and independence for the man I love; but I haven't regretted it at all.

Mike & Jon on the reaction of family & friends when coming out individually & as a couple:

Mike: Jon first met my relatives at a family cook out, I know it was probably overwhelming for him but he had a good time and my family loved him. Some of my friends were really supportive and happy that I had met someone, especially since a lot of gay relationships do not last past the first week. Others were kind of pessimistic and tried to put their own negative issues onto me. But as you can see I did not let those friends influence my relationship.

Jon: Some friends were genuinely happy that I had found someone who I loved and wanted to be with, and some friends were jealous because we didn't hang out or talk as much as we used to. My family embraced Mike as their son in-law as soon as they met him. They have only met one other person I was in a relationship with, so for me to bring Mike home to meet them
they knew the relationship was serious.

Mike & Jon on the myth that committed black gay couples are non-existent & success depends on dating another race:

Unfortunately, as black men a lot of us have grown up in broken homes and have not been able to witness a strong healthy relationship (gay/straight). So in turn we grow up believing that relationships don’t last, so we don’t put forth the effort to maintain one.

Luckily, Jon and I were both reared in families where we were able to see how a healthy relationship works. We both understand that there are going to be good time and bad times; and with that mind set if we have an argument we focus on the issue, we don’t hit below the belt or resort to name calling. And in any relationship you must have trust and respect for each other. We would never do anything to cause hurt and harm to each other.

Jon: I think in gay black relationships a lot of times couples are too quick to throw in the towel and give up instead of working things out; where as a gay white couple will try and work things out, even if that means going to counseling. Me and Mike made a vow in the beginning of our relationship to be committed to stay together, and to work out any and every issue together.

Mike & Jon on the obstacles of maintaining a healthy relationship as SGL men of color:

Mike: A major obstacle that I’ve noticed is that many gay men have too many people involved in their relationship. A lot of men tend to tell their friends and the world if they’re having problems in their relationship versus talking out the problems with their partner. And some men fail to realize that everyone that you call your friend is not really your “friend” and may not have your best interest at heart.

Jon: Not being willing to compromise: With me and Mike we are both willing to compromise on any and everything; sometimes you have to know when to back down and to pick and choose your battles. I think sometimes we as black men are confrontational and have an attitude.

Communication: You should be able to talk to your partner about anything.

Support from friends and family: I think it's best to surround yourself with positive people who respect and nurture your relationship, not people who are jealous and want to see you single and bitter like they are; it's also best not to tell people anything personal that's going on in your relationship. Trying to mimic heterosexual relationships: A lot of times gay men think because one person is a top (the man) they should do certain things and if someone is a bottom (the woman) they should do certain things, not realizing that you are both men and regardless of what you do in the bedroom you're still a man.

Mike & Jon on marriage & the importance of legal recognition:

Mike: Jon proposed to me last year!!! Once the law passes through Congress we plan to get married in DC.

Jon: Yes, we plan on getting married here in DC as soon as it passes through the congressional review. It's very important to have legal recognition, we want the same rights as heterosexual couples.

Jon on the proposal:

Jon: It was my idea to get married; I proposed to Mike last November. I told Mike I wanted to show him something down at the Jefferson Memorial (we went walking down near the Jefferson Memorial on our first date). We got down to The Memorial and he kept "asking what were we doing down here"? I told him to close his eyes and when he did I got on my knee and asked
him to be my husband.

Mike & Jon on starting a family:

Mike: We are currently going through the adoption process. I’m so excited about this step in our lives, because I never thought that I would be a parent.

Jon: We just finished going through adoption classes and are now in the process of having our home study done to make sure our home is ready for a child. We want a little boy between 4 and 10 years old. If siblings are available we would like siblings as well or a little girl. I'm excited because I never thought I'd ever be a parent.

Jon on keeping the flame burning in their relationship:

We have a date night once a week, we take mini trips often, we work as a team with everything, we are both equally yoked, we're open and honest about everything, and we remember at the end of the day we both love each other and any problem/situation can be worked out.

*******

"A life lived in fear is a life half-lived"