"This Is The Beauty Of Love... Live Fearlessly"
Sunday, September 30, 2018
And The Truth Shall Set You Free..."
It took me a while to realize I was gay. In the meantime, I bought clothes.
By Jacob Geers
Vox.com
September 13, 2018
I heard a rumor my senior year of high school that I was gay.
I forget who told me the rumor, but I never forgot its message. Of course, it took me completely by surprise because I wasn’t gay. I definitely, absolutely, positively could not be gay. Because I wasn’t!
As I entered my first year of college with that rumor buzzing in my ear, I was convinced that any bit of insecurity could be overcome by a boring business-casual outfit. I had a pair of tan chinos that matched the self-doubt barely contained under my emotionally muted veneer.
And that’s how my first year of college went.
After clocking out from my freshman year, I traveled the two hours back home from college.
In preparation for my summer retail job, I ordered some clothes from JCPenney. In those days, I oscillated between 40-year-old-office-park-dad-chic and frat-tastic enough to fit in among the beer pong tables at some Epsilon Epsilon Epsilon party.
I was determined to wear my pullover before the end of summer, even though the average daily temperatures were above 90 degrees in my Ohio hometown’s ferocious summer heat. One day, I was feeling sweat accumulate under my collar as I restocked the granola bars, volcano-scented candles, and cake mix when I heard the store’s front door open. I looked up, out of habit more than anything, and saw a young man with curly blond hair walk in. He was wearing a plain white T-shirt and black Converses, and he had the most distinctive freckles on his cheeks. He was with a girl wearing some kind of romper.
It took me a minute to realize I was staring at something other than the candles, and I abruptly averted my eyes.
My college had an incredibly large campus. You could walk for miles and still be within the confines of Ohio State’s domain.
Walking so often, and for so long, teaches you a lot. You should always walk with your back straight up, moderating each step to be even-keeled and well-paced. You can keep your head up to look confident or look down to blend in, just so long as you aren’t bopping it along to “Dark Horse” by Katy Perry. Never show too much expression. Walk stoically, slowly, methodically. Don’t show excitement, and definitely never, ever be flamboyant.
Don’t worry, you’ll mess it up sometimes. If you sense anything resembling a spring in your step, just push your hands into your chino pockets — or if it’s chilly, the fleece pockets of your black North Face jacket — and resume the proper form.
In the last weeks of October, I ordered a pair of blue chinos to match a yellow Polo Ralph Lauren shirt that I was sure would finally make me feel cool enough to belong at college.
Somehow, there was a mix-up with the order, and when I ripped open the bag of merchandise, they had sent green chinos instead.
I decided I had a Halloween costume.
Picking up an (almost) matching shirt from Target or Old Navy or somewhere like that, I painted numbers on my outfit and called myself a chalkboard.
My friends and I went to a party in an apartment so small you definitely couldn’t call it a “house” party. The hosts were trying to break a record for how many people they fit in their apartment, and I was trying to make everyone pay attention to how funny I was.
There was a lot of sexual tension in the air. A Harry Potter was flirting with a Raven from Teen Titans, and a “This is fine!” dog was making out with a cheerleader (I think she actually was a cheerleader, so it was a particularly bad costume).
I had never hooked up with anyone at a party. I hadn’t even ever flirted, unless trying to trade my jungle juice for the last cup of pumpkin pie moonshine was flirting.
I squeezed myself through the crowd to the porch, where a group of my friends had congregated. I pushed past a boy dressed as Link from Legend of Zelda. He had light blue eyes, and we locked gazes for a minute. He smiled. I turned away.
I didn’t go to another party for a few months. (Unless, of course, you count the gigantic pity party I threw for myself on a daily basis.)
A few weeks after Halloween, I coughed out the words, “I think I’m bisexual,” to my best friend and roommate. I then proceeded to do absolutely nothing of interest. I didn’t go to clubs; I didn’t go on dates; I didn’t sleep with anyone. I was barely able to get to sleep alone.
I wrote a lot. I thought a lot. I watched three whole seasons of Pawn Stars. Self-discovery wasn’t as sexy as it always seemed on TV.
After one existential crisis too many, my supportive friends did my job for me and got me an invitation to a “gay party.” I ordered a pair of super-skinny jeans. That’s what I was supposed to do, right?
I slipped on a pair of Converses and a plain white T-shirt and joined an old acquaintance and his boyfriend to pregame for this party. I had no idea what to do except keep drinking IPAs and laugh nervously. They were both nice. They had both gone through this.
After sitting in my friend’s apartment for about an hour, he asked me if I was ready to go to the party.
I said I was. That was a lie.
I told him I didn’t feel so good. That was the truth.
It was a highlighter party, so the most common way of introducing yourself to people was to draw a dick on their T-shirt. A lot of people introduced themselves to me.
I sipped my first shot of Fireball and then took two more in rapid succession.
I did laps around the living room, talking to people. At college parties, it’s often the same conversation over and over again: What’s your year? What’s your major? What are you into?
Slowly, I began to get into a groove. The loudness of the music masked the softness of my confidence. I forgot to police how I walked, or how I laughed, or how I talked.
I forgot I was supposed to be pretending to be someone else.
Bit by bit, I started incorporating little pieces of that party into my life.
I started walking the way I wanted. I started buying the clothing I wanted. I remember ordering my first pair of jean shorts and thinking, “It doesn’t matter if these make me look gay, because I probably am gay!”
I still struggled a lot. Instead of going to class or doing my homework, I stared at guys, trying to make sure I was actually attracted to them and not just losing my mind. I obsessed over labels, once making a list on my dry-erase board of ways my life would change if I was “full-on gay” versus bisexual.
But day by day, I was owning who I was more. I bagged up a bunch of old clothes for our residence hall’s donation drive. I started talking about guys that I found hot. I stopped forcing myself to act “masculine” or “straight.”
I wasn’t completely sure who I was yet, but I was starting to become comfortable with that.
That summer, I went back to my hometown, where I rendezvoused with all my old friends from high school. Some of them knew about my coming-out process the year before; some of them didn’t.
We sat around a bonfire, reveling in being 20-year-olds drinking warm beers and red wine out of plastic cups. At some point, somebody brought up me being gay.
“Not much of a surprise,” one of my friends laughed.
Only one of my friends seemed truly caught off-guard. He hadn’t been in the loop. We talked to each other one on one later on, and while reiterating his support for me as a person, he said he wasn’t yet totally comfortable with it.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “Neither am I. Not yet. But I’m going to just keep being myself until I am.”
And that’s what I did.
"A Little Sane Advice..."
"Same Gender Loving People - No. 3182"
"Love Is Love..."
Positive images of people like me... The truth of the matter is that we all need to see people like ourselves. So everyday, I'll post a photo, drawing or some other artwork that depicts Same Gender Loving People as what we are... Only Human.
"The Things That Love Says..."
And it’s in moments like these- laying awake at 4am, allowing myself to remember you that a new piece of my heart dies.
Saturday, September 29, 2018
"Same Gender Loving People - No. 3181"
"Love Makes A House A Home..."
Positive images of people like me... The truth of the matter is that we all need to see people like ourselves. So everyday, I'll post a photo, drawing or some other artwork that depicts Same Gender Loving People as what we are... Only Human.
"A Little Sane Advice
Never look for a good skin, it will wrinkle one day.
Never look for a hot body, it will change one day.
Never look for nice hair, it will turn white one day.
Instead, look for a loyal heart that will love every day.
When you are older you will understand how precious little things, seemingly of no value in themselves, can be loved and prized above all price when they convey the love and thoughtfulness of a good heart.
"It's True, Lovers Do Start To Look Alike..."
Amongst gay couples, it's often referred to as "A Boyfriend Twin"
"While you may be familiar with the old saying, “opposites attract,” in reality, what the heart wants is someone who resembles its owner and that resemblance increases the longer two lovebirds stay together.
University of Michigan psychologist Robert Zajonc conducted an experiment to test this phenomenon. He analyzed photographs of couples taken when they were newlyweds and photographs of the same couples taken 25 years later.
The results showed that the couples had grown to look more like each other over time. And, the happier that the couple said they were, the more likely they were to have increased in their physical similarity."
Read more about this interesting phenomenon here...
"Fear Eats the Soul"
Friday, September 28, 2018
"It's True, Lovers Do Start To Look Alike..."
Amongst gay couples, it's often referred to as "A Boyfriend Twin"
"While you may be familiar with the old saying, “opposites attract,” in reality, what the heart wants is someone who resembles its owner and that resemblance increases the longer two lovebirds stay together.
University of Michigan psychologist Robert Zajonc conducted an experiment to test this phenomenon. He analyzed photographs of couples taken when they were newlyweds and photographs of the same couples taken 25 years later.
The results showed that the couples had grown to look more like each other over time. And, the happier that the couple said they were, the more likely they were to have increased in their physical similarity."
Read more about this interesting phenomenon here...
"Fear Eats the Soul"
"A True Love Story..."
"Same Gender Loving People - No. 3180"
"Love Is Wonderful..."
Positive images of people like me... The truth of the matter is that we all need to see people like ourselves. So everyday, I'll post a photo, drawing or some other artwork that depicts Same Gender Loving People as what we are... Only Human.
"Selfie Love..."
"Selfie Love" - those beautiful, grainy, out-of-focus self-pics that capture the truth of true love...
Thursday, September 27, 2018
"I Am Always Remembering..."
We made the date earlier that week and I had been so nervously excited about meeting the man that already I knew I was falling in love with that I couldn't concentrate on anything. When I got out of bed that Wednesday morning and went for my daily run, everything seemed beautiful and right with the world. As I ran down the street, I thought of what I'd talk about with him that evening. By the time I'd run my four miles and finally arrived back home, I had silently said many prayers about my hopes for our meeting that evening. As I got ready for work, I decided I wanted to take him something that evening. I thought flowers at first, but then remembered he mentioned liking sweets, so I settled on candy instead.
I left work early that day so that I could stop to buy a box of candy for Stephen. But as I looked at the boxed chocolates, the boxes all seemed too "girly" in their decoration and I worried that he'd get the wrong idea of how I thought of him if I gave him something like that. And I didn't want him to think me too effeminate either. Instead, I bought a dozen assorted candy bars deciding I would wrap them as a present in some way when I got home.
At home, I searched through my big box of gift wrapping supplies in the attic until I found a lovely gold foil covered box with a matching ribbon and bow. It had actually been a candy box from Christmas the year before, but it didn't have any markings on it at all. I lined it with tissue paper and arranged the candy bars inside and closed it and stretched the ribbon and bow from corner to corner. I thought it looked great and I thought to myself, this looks "manly" enough. Then I turned my attention to getting myself ready for my anxiously anticipated date.
I was so tense and nervous that I hadn't realized how long I'd been in the shower until the water finally began to run cool. As I rinsed myself under the cool water, finally I felt some of the intense stress begin to subside. As I dried myself and as I wiped away the fog on the mirror, I paused to look at myself and I thought, "You haven't done much with this body have you...?" And I wondered if he'd really find me attractive or even handsome in any way... But still, I hoped he would.
When I emerged from my bath, I rethought and agonized over what I should wear so much so that I was nearly in a panic as I changed shirts and pants repeatedly, never satisfied with how I looked. In the end, I put back on the first outfit I'd tried on. It was the same one that I'd picked out the night before, black twill pants, a tan faux silk shirt, a black sweater vest and black dress shoes. Finally, surrounded by half my wardrobe on the floor around me, I stood in the mirror gazing at myself again from all angles as I practiced sucking in my gut, sticking my chest out and leveling my shoulders. Finally I thought, "Okay, you're ready... but remember, first impressions are lasting ones..." As I put on my best watch and the one other piece of jewelry I owned, my class ring from college, I grabbed the box of candy bars from the dresser and I headed downstairs.
I grabbed my best jacket from the closet and I stepped into the dining room and picked up my Mother's photo from the top of the server. As I looked down at my Mom's picture, I asked her to wish me luck. And as I replaced the photo and was about to leave, I thought to pray. I got down on my knees and I asked that God might watch over me as I went out seeking what I already knew I was hoping would be true love. I prayed that we both might have discernment about one another and that we might both know if we could find in each other the precious desires of our hearts. Although I had been nervous up to then, when I ended my prayer and stood up again, I felt warm, calm and genuinely happy. I walked to my front door, took a deep breath and stepped across my threshold knowing there would be no turning back.
I had scanned the bar area before I sat down and none of the other patrons looked even remotely like they could be Stephen and so I realized that I had arrived first. I thought, "Well, if I'm going to sit here, I should order a drink." I didn't drink at the time and I hadn't had an alcoholic drink since 1995, so when the bartender asked what I was having, I wasn't sure what to ask for. I quickly settled on a Pepsi and as soon as I said it and saw the bartender begin to fill the glass, I regretted it. I thought, "What will he think if he sees me sitting here with a Pepsi?" So I quickly gulped it down. Sitting there with my empty glass, time seemed to have slowed down and I found myself in deep contemplation about whether to eat the maraschino cherry that sat on top of the ice. But as I was thinking about the cherry, I felt a hand on my shoulder and as I turned on the bar stool, I instantly recognized him, Stephen was standing there before me.
"Christopher...?" he said to me as I stumbled to get out my well practiced greeting... Instead, I said, "Yes... Stephen...?" And then we were both smiling broadly as he extended his arm and I shook his hand. He began to apologize that he was a little late, but I looked at my watch and said, "No, you're right on time, it's exactly 7:30." Then, although he hadn't taken a seat, the bartender came over and asked what he'd like, and Stephen said, "Nothing thanks." Then he asked me, "Are you ready to eat?" I said, yes and he turned and signaled to the hostess who came over and seated us in a corner booth with a round table. At first we were both kind of clinging to the opposite open ends of the booth such that the full width of the table was between us, but then he slid further around towards the middle and invited me to do the same by motioning for me to move over on the seat next to him. I moved closer and we started to talk...
When the waiter came with the menus, we had both become so comfortable and engrossed with each other, that we didn't even notice him until, he placed the menus in front of us. As the waiter told us of the specials, I think he realized that we were on a date, his own smile gave it away. As he asked about drinks, Stephen asked what I'd like, I said a Pepsi and he ordered ice water with lemon. When the waiter left to get our drinks, Stephen said he likes to drink a lot of water and always has lemon. That became my first mental note about his likes and dislikes, and as we talked, in the back of my mind, I carefully recorded it as an important fact. As we perused the menu, he asked what I'd like, telling me, "Have whatever you want, this is my treat!" And we talked about what was on offer, he settled on a New York Strip Steak and I chose Roasted Garlic Chicken Fettuccine.
When the waiter returned, he still had that "knowing" smile on his face and it didn't bother me at all. I was in the midst of my coming out to my family and friends and it felt good to be out and about in the world, just being myself and being unafraid. As he sat the drinks on the table, he asked, "Are we ready to order gentlemen?" and Stephen immediately said, "Yes, we are... I"ll have the New York Strip medium well with the loaded potato and can I get asparagus with that?" The waiter said, "Yes, you can, and for you Sir?" and before I could speak, Stephen said, "He'd like the Roasted Garlic Chicken Fettuccine." No one had ever ordered for me that way, but when he did, it confirmed in my mind (and for our waiter) that yes, we were a couple out on a dinner date. And in that moment, I felt more human and truly alive than I had at anytime ever before in my life. It was a moment I've never forgotten... a moment of true happiness and joy recorded in the annals of my mind to be remembered forever.
Later that evening, after enjoying our meals and an incredible conversation, as the waiter brought the check, I asked if he could package the rest of my entree as it had been a really large portion. He said, "Of course, Sir" as he took my plate away while Stephen looked over the check and placed a credit card in the folio. The waiter brought back a small bag with handles which inside held a black foam dish with the rest of my fettuccine. Stephen and I talked and laughed and enjoyed each other's company for a good while longer before we finally decided it was time to go. As we left the restaurant, I asked where he'd parked, and he said, "Just around the corner..." I offered to drive him to his car since I was parked right across the street. He agreed and got in, and I drove him around the building to where he'd parked his car.
We sat there in my car talking for a few minutes more, neither of us I wanting to part from the other. In that first evening together, it was as if we'd been old friends reunited after some long separation. But reluctantly, I finally decided it was time to go as I told him how much I'd enjoyed our time together and how I hoped we'd do it again soon. He promised we would as he gently brushed the back of my hand which was resting on the seat between us. "I'll call you," he said as he opened the door and then reached back in for the golden candy box on the dashboard. I'd given him my gift before I pulled away from my parking space across from the restaurant, and the warm smile on his face when I placed it in his hands brought joy to my heart. He said thank you again as he closed the door, and I watched him get into his own car and drive away. I didn't fully realize it then, but as he left that night, along with the golden box, he took with him a piece of my heart that I never got back. But I was happier than I could remember ever being before as I drove myself home while replaying in my mind's eye all the moments of what I still remember to be one of the most wonderful nights of my life.
When I got home, I took the foam dish with the remnants of my meal from the bag and put it into the refrigerator. The next day at work, I enjoyed the fettuccine for lunch, but as I went to throw-away the foam dish, I stopped myself. Instead I carefully washed it and brought it back home that evening and I put it away at the top of the cupboard. Even then, I realized it would become a precious memento of the day of our meeting. As I looked at it again tonight, I remembered the joy I felt as I went to bed thinking of him late that night... It was Wednesday, September 27th 2006 and nothing was ever the same afterwards.
I am always remembering...
"Fear Eats the Soul"
"Selfie Love..."
"Selfie Love" - those beautiful, grainy, out-of-focus self-pics that capture the truth of true love...
"Same Gender Loving People - No. 3179"
"Love Is The Source Of Life's Happiness..."
Positive images of people like me... The truth of the matter is that we all need to see people like ourselves. So everyday, I'll post a photo, drawing or some other artwork that depicts Same Gender Loving People as what we are... Only Human.
"The Things That Love Says..."
I vow to love you, unconditionally, to protect your heart, to be faithful and honest always, to never go to sleep upset or mad at one another, to cherish, every moment and day that we have, to make you happy and show you my heart is in your hands.
I love you today, tomorrow my love will only grow stronger and deeper, I will accept all that you are and everything that comes along with being yours forever, I will never ever leave you, for I need you by my side always and forever, your love has consumed my heart, and together we are one, we have our ups and downs but at the end of the day our love stands STRONG!
I love you my sweetest and I am honored to call myself yours, I knew the moment we met I would forever want you by my side.
Today, tomorrow, and forever!!!
"The Truth About Lies..."
9 Motives for Telling Lies
Original excerpt from “Telling Lies” (p. 329-330)
By Paul Ekman
Reading between the lies
Why do people lie? Such a simple question should come with a simple answer (but doesn’t, unfortunately). There are indications, however, that most of us share the same the motives for telling lies.
Numbers don’t lie
My data collected during interviews with children and from questionnaires completed by adults suggests that telling lies occurs (at least in part) for one of nine reasons:
1. To avoid being punished. This is the most frequently mentioned motivation for telling lies (by both children and adults). It’s important to note that there were no significant differences for lies told to avoid punishment for a purposeful misdeed versus an honest mistake.
2. To obtain a reward not otherwise readily obtainable. This is the second most commonly mentioned motive, by both children and adults. An example of this is falsely claiming work experience during a job interview to increase chances of hire.
3. To protect another person from being punished. As with lying to avoid personal punishment, motive does not change with intent. We’ve seen this occur between coworkers, friends, family, and even with strangers!
4. To protect oneself from the threat of physical harm. This is different from being punished, for the threat of harm is not for a misdeed. An example would be a child who is home alone telling a stranger at the door that his father is asleep now and to come back later.
5. To win the admiration of others. Telling lies to increase your popularity can range from “little white lies” to enhance a story being told to creating an entirely new (fabricated) persona.
6. To get out of an awkward social situation. Examples of how telling lies can look when motivated by this are claiming to have a babysitter problem to get out of a dull party, or ending a telephone conversation by saying there is someone at the door.
7. To avoid embarrassment. The child who claims the wet seat resulted from water spilling, not from wetting her pants, is an example if the child did not fear punishment, only embarrassment.
8. To maintain privacy without notifying others of that intention. For example, the couple who claims to have eloped because the cost of a wedding was beyond their means when, in reality, they were avoiding the obligation to invite their families.
9. To exercise power over others by controlling the information the target has. Famously embodied by Hitler, this is arguably the most dangerous motive for telling lies.
Even More Motivation
I suspect there are motivations behind telling lies that fall outside one of the above nine categories, such as trivial deceits like lies told out of politeness or tact, which are not easily subsumed by these nine motives. However, these nine were presented in data I collected myself and can, at least, be used as the foundation to explain why people lie.
Paul Ekman is a well-known psychologist and co-discoverer of micro expressions. He was named one of the 100 most influential people in the world by TIME magazine in 2009. He has worked with many government agencies, domestic and abroad.
Wednesday, September 26, 2018
"I Am Always Remembering..."
"I'm going to make you proud of me, Dear..."
It was the last time we spoke, there was nothing more to say. We didn't have the fairytale ending that I'd dreamed of, but sometimes love is that way.
The strangest thing is that for me, it never really ended at all, did it...?
"Fear Eats the Soul"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)