"Love Is Proud And Unashamed... Live Fearlessly"
Thursday, March 31, 2016
"A Little Sane Advice..."
Gay Men: 7 Red Flags He’s NOT Relationship Ready
February 17, 2016
Are you casually dating a guy right that you like but are concerned about some of his behaviors? Is it hard to discern if this man’s pros outweigh his cons? Finally, is there a nagging voice inside your head that keeps telling you – see how it goes and be careful?
If you answered yes to these questions, you wouldn’t be alone. When you hit it off with someone new, it’s only natural to want to see how things play out. Plus, it’s easy to discount what seems like small stuff when the two of you are having fun.
Is there really anyway of knowing if the guy you like is relationship material? If so, then what are the signs?
What follows are seven red flags that strongly suggest that guy you dig is NOT relationship ready.
Some of these points may seem obvious while others will cause you to pause and reflect. Read them all in order to fully absorb their deeper meaning.
Are you ready? Let’s jump right in!
1. He’s frequently parties
If that guy you like frequently parties, using Tina, Coke, “G” or any or any of the other substances that are part of the drug alphabet, he’s not relationship ready. Period – end of story. Underline the word frequently.
That may be hard to hear but it’s true. Guys who regularly sniff, snort and/or inhale often do so to medicate to emotional pain. That’s just not a recipe for a successful relationship – no matter how hot he is.
And what if he “just smokes pot?” Sorry, but if it’s a daily thing – difficult as it might be to hear this – he’s checking out of reality and not checking into you.
2. Drinking is part of his daily routine
Having a drink here or there is OK but if that guy you like needs to drink as part of his daily routine, there’s a good chance something else going on. Bear in mind that he needs alcohol in order to be with himself, he’s going to need it to be with you.
Daily, regular alcohol use that goes beyond social norms could be a sign of addiction. In fact, it’s one of the main reasons relationships don’t survive for the long term. The key phrase here is drinking is part of his daily routine.
3. He doesn’t know how to spend time with you alone
Have you noticed that the guy you are casually seeing seems to need to be around others – all the time? When you have tried to get him to chill out with you and relax alone, does he seem uncomfortable? Is there a vibe you are picking up on him that suggests he thrives on the attention of others?
When you run across a guy who can’t be with himself, it’s a surefire sign he’s battling inner demons. How can he be comfortable with you if he’s not comfortable with himself?
4. He doesn’t take care of his home
When you have visited his home, does it pretty much look like a train wreck? Have you noticed that he doesn’t take the time – ever – to clean or organize his living space? Is his bed perpetually unmade? Is he past the age of 30 but still living like a teenager?
We hate to break it to you but these are all strong indicators of a guy who is not relationship ready. Why? Because he apparently thinks his mother or some other person is going to magically swoop in and take care of him. Do you really want to be the guy to step into that role?
5. Can’t tune into you
Does the guy you like seem to struggle with tuning into your needs. On the flipside, does he regularly use phrases like: I want, I need …?
As part of ongoing dialogue with him, do your needs ever get considered? If the answer is no, read what follows carefully.
Guys who are consumed with their own needs and completely oblivious to the needs of others, including yours, are major narcissists. We do not use that phrase lightly.
Narcissism is a serious personality disorder that is all about being devoid of a “chip” that allows a person to empathize or sympathize. If he can’t be attentive to your needs now, what makes you think he will be able to so in the future?
Look at the totality of behaviors, including what’s happening (or not happening) in the bedroom. For example, if he’s a pillow princess – run for the hills.
6. He’s super indecisive
Have you found that the man that you are eying struggles with decision making? Have you noticed that he has difficulty making even the smallest of choices – like where to go for dinner or what movie to see?
Having moments of indecision from time to time is normal however, if he’s constantly in a state of suspended animation because he can’t decide anything, you should proceed with caution.
There’s a good chance this man is codependent and therefore unable to make decisions on his own.
7. He never reaches for his wallet
This one is a biggie but is often overlooked. Going on out dates can sometimes mean having to navigate through uncomfortable moments – like who is paying for dinner, coffee, etc. Most guys will suggest a 50/50 split. And still others might opt for the traditional, “I’ve got this one and you can take care of the next.”
Both are cool, right?
Sure but… if the guy you like never seems to reach for his wallet, even for the smallest of things, consider it a major red flag.
Guys who expect others to pay for their way often have serious entitlement issues.
You have to ask yourself – if it’s like this now – what will it be like if things get serious?
Final Thoughts
The world of dating and relationships can often be daunting. This is particularly true during the initial stages of a courtship, where everything seems wonderful and possible.
But if you listen to your inner voice while seeing the guy for who he is rather than what you want him to be, you will save a great deal of time and energy in the long run.
"The Uncomfortable Truth..."
When Will I Stop Feeling Self-Conscious About Being Gay?
David Hudson questions his internalized homophobia and wonders if it will ever go away
GayStarNews.com
28 March 2016
At what age does one’s internalized homophobia fade away?
28 March 2016
At what age does one’s internalized homophobia fade away?
I was struck by this thought on the train to work last week. Commuting in London can make one irritable at the best of times. It was one of those days when everything and everyone was annoying me. Including myself.
‘Don’t sit with your legs crossed like that, David. It looks really gay.’
It was the little censorious voice in my head: the one that reminds me to check myself with alarming regularity. Sometimes I listen to it. Sometimes I don’t. Either way, I rarely question its actual presence. It seems to have always been there.
‘Oh, shut up!’ I thought to myself on this occasion. ‘I’m really not in the mood for internalized homophobic bullshit this morning.’
It got me to thinking about the fact that I still find myself feeling awkward or embarrassed about my sexuality at times. I still think twice about behaving in a ‘gay’ way in front of strangers: of catching myself as even labeling things as ‘gay’.
A product of my age and upbringing, I still carry around some of the residual shame that the wider world planted within me when I was a kid. Shouldn’t I be beyond that?
I’ve been ‘out’ to friends and family since the late 1980s. I’ve marched in three decades’ worth of Pride parades. I edited the most widely read gay magazine in the UK for several years and been interviewed on radio and TV about gay issues. And yet – still – I sometimes find myself mentally checking myself over whether I appear ‘too gay’.
I still carry around shame. And I feel incredible shame in admitting that shame.
No wonder I get a little irritated with myself at times.
‘If someone invented a pill to wipe away internalized homophobia, I’d be the first in line for a prescription’
When I was much younger, coming out for the first time, someone asked me, ‘If there was some miracle pill you could take to turn you straight, would you take it?’
‘No,’ I replied. ‘I’m happy with the way I am.’
And I am. And yet – never mind PrEP – if someone invented a pill to wipe away internalized homophobia, I’d be the first in line for a prescription.
Why is that internalized anxiety still there? Maybe because homophobia is still there. And because we can still perhaps never predict how someone might react to finding out the fact that one is gay. Because we place undue importance on their opinion of us, we want to control how they find out’ disclosing when we think it’s safe.
And aside from the wider world, gay men are also quite good at being in homophobic to one another – attacking those they think are ‘letting the side down’; being too camp, loud or sex-obsessed (as if acting upon sexual impulses is the preserve of gay men only).
And because I care just a damn too much about what other people think of me.
So I find myself agonizing over the way I sit. Or what I post on social media. Or maybe what I choose to wear or how I decorate my home. And much of it is down to that stupid little homophobic voice inside my head.
To clarify: When I talk about internalized homophobia, it’s directed inward, at myself, not outward to others. I salute and admire all those with the nerve or obliviousness to live their lives as they please without giving two hoots to the judgments of others.
My pondering leads me to a little experiment. The next time I catch myself criticizing my thoughts or behavior with ‘that’s so gay’; I correct myself to ‘that’s so David’.
They are, after all, my desires and preferences – why externalize them in a box called ‘gay’? Why not own them?
As a psychological act of reclamation, it proves surprisingly powerful. Two days later, I’m sat talking to someone I barely know. We’re at a center where we both do occasional voluntary shifts in the evening. We’re grabbing a break and asking questions to find out a little bit more about each other. I’m exhausted after a very long day at work. I’m slouched, legs crossed, head cocked sideways in my hand.
My poise reminds me of that famous poolside photo of Faye Dunaway the morning after she scooped her 1977 Oscar.
And I suddenly find myself thinking – about the pose and the fact I so effortlessly conjured up a Faye Dunaway reference – ‘So gay’.
Instead, I correct myself: ‘So David’.
Suddenly, my self-consciousness dissipates. I continue to slouch, relaxed.
How exhausting it must be to constantly check one’s self and mannerisms
It makes me angry and it makes me sad that gay people still tie themselves up in knots like this.
Some people appear to be completely unshackled by such internalized bullshit. If you’re one of them, I envy you.
Others are shackled to a far greater degree. I have friends who are still not out to their families, although – admittedly – those families tend to have ties to countries and cultures that are all the more condemning of LGBTI life. How much louder and more restrictive those censorious voices in their head must sound. How exhausting it must be to constantly check one’s self and mannerisms.
At what age does it fade away? I don’t think it does until you make a conscious decision to start ignoring that little voice in your head.
God knows there’s already enough homophobia in the world. You don’t want to be adding to it. Not to yourself.
"Selfie Love..."
"Selfie Love" - those beautiful, grainy, out-of-focus self-pics that capture the truth of true love...
"Same Gender Loving People - No. 2313"
"This Is Love's Promise..."
Positive images of people like me... The truth of the matter is that we all need to see people like ourselves. So everyday, I'll post a photo, drawing or some other artwork that depicts Same Gender Loving People as what we are... Only Human.
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
"This Made Me Smile..."
An awesome response to the transphobic mom who posted a horrible rap last week about equality legislation in Canada... Watch it here if you must, but you've been warned, brain damage may result.
One more reason to love Canada....
Trump, don't make me go!
"Selfie Love..."
"Selfie Love" - those beautiful, grainy, out-of-focus self-pics that capture the truth of true love...
"The Truth About Who We Are..."
by thegaymenproject |
photos by Kevin Truong
photo by Kevin Truong
Safir, in his own words: "Being a 26 years old gay to me means: 20 years living in fear that I would end up in hell and while I was still on earth, I would be #foreveralone because of being brainwashed that God would only give a man a female soulmate (thanks to my conservative Muslim upbringing, including nine years studying in Islamic school) followed by 2 years learning that I'm not alone and not everyone/everything condemns homosexuality (thanks to a new life in Europe that I pursued while I was studying) followed by 5 years feeling awesome to be what I am (as my life here in Bangkok for the past few years is free from stigma and surrounded by open-minded people).
My greatest success was when I got in to the United Nations. I started as an intern two years ago and now I still cant believe that I've really been working with them ever since. I came from a very local uni and I was competing with kids from elite universities around the globe. Heck, I didn't even know if I took the right mastersprogram prior to my internship. I do still have some insecurities with my English while working with the colleagues who are native speakers. But that's great. I mean, that's the only insecurity I have now and I no longer have insecurities of my sexual orientation in the office. It's very different when I worked in an Indonesian company. I kept fearing that they would've bullied me if I was open about being gay.
What's also great about my work at the UN is that, as a HIV technical expert, I'm working for the human rights of people living with HIV and key affected populations, including gay men, which is something I've been passionate about since I grew up. Growing up in a non-gay friendly environment really did unleash my human rights advocate side.
I haven't come out to my parents yet - but I've done it to my Facebook friends. I was in IKEA with friends, they took a pic of me coming out of the showcased wardrobe and I posted that pic on my Facebook (with the caption:" just coming out of the closet"). Bam!
(With regards to the gay scene in Bangkok) This is a tricky question. I am already hearing somebody shouting at me because my answer is stereotyping the gay scene. I find the gay scene in Bangkok, in terms of nightlife, divided into two neighwhorehood: "sticky rice" AND "potato and rice" gayhoods. Or maybe not so much on what kind of race you're into with, but more on 'whether or not you speak Thai." Sticky rice playground is what people refer to "local gayhood" (e.g., Ratchada, Ramkanhaeng) - where finding English-speaking Thai boys is much harder than in the 'international' one (e.g., Silom). I eat all kind of carbo, but I prefer the "Sticky rice" playground to the other. I can still feel the Thai's land-of-smile manners there. no matter how packed the club is, the boys will still say "sorry" (in a very polite Thai expression) if they bump into you or step on your feet.
Outside the nightlife scene, I feel that there's no other exclusive gay scene in Bangkok. Most of the "scenes" are integrated with the non-gay ones. This just shows how Bangkok is much more progressive than other big cities in Southeast Asia.
(Advice I'd give to my younger self) You might still not have Grindr (or a Smartphone), but you are not alone. Gay people exist. Not just in the porn videos you secretly hid in the folder named "Homework" in your old PC. And the best part is, many of them are beautiful and full of inspiration, and they love you they way you are."
*******
"Fear Eats the Soul"
"The Truth Of Love In A Song..."
Steve Grand and Eli Lieb perform their love ballad, "Look Away"
Even at the end, love is the most powerful thing in the world...
"Same Gender Loving People - No. 2312"
"To Be Young And Free To Love Is To Have The World..."
Positive images of people like me... The truth of the matter is that we all need to see people like ourselves. So everyday, I'll post a photo, drawing or some other artwork that depicts Same Gender Loving People as what we are... Only Human.
Tuesday, March 29, 2016
"Same Gender Loving People - No. 2311"
"Love Enjoys The World Together..."
Positive images of people like me... The truth of the matter is that we all need to see people like ourselves. So everyday, I'll post a photo, drawing or some other artwork that depicts Same Gender Loving People as what we are... Only Human.
"The Truth About Who We Are..."
by thegaymenproject |
photos by Kevin Truong
photo by Kevin Truong
photo by Kevin Truong
photo by Kevin Truong
photo by Kevin Truong
photo by Kevin Truong
Mauricio, in his own words: "I remember being just 11 or 12 years old and one night going to bed crying; I had spent the afternoon at one of my closest Friends house hanging out with him and some others Friends from school, at one point (I don’t remember why) one of them said I was weird and different because I liked boys, my other friends agreed but none of us really understood what that meant, all I knew was I was being set apart from the rest of my friends and it hurt. That night my mom asked what was wrong and called my dad into my room, I told them what had happened and how I did not understand why being different was wrong, I was so sad…
Without hesitating my dad said that there was nothing wrong with me and that of course I was different from everyone else, that that’s something we all have in common, differences. Then my mom asked me if I knew exactly what those kids were talking about, I said “I think they were saying I’m gay” and she said no one had the right to tell me what I am, and that if I actually was it was only a part of me to be proud of, like my brown eyes and my large ears. I slept like a baby that night.
I never came out, I just never felt like I had to tell anyone that I’m into guys and not girls, my friends and family know I’m gay because they asked and I said yes; at first I think I avoided confrontation fearing rejection, but happily that didn’t last long, the thing is I grew up surrounded by loving people, I know I’m extremely lucky because of this, and thanks to that I’m a proud young man, kind and confident and in the search of true happiness.
I’m not really in touch with the gay community in Buenos Aires, I try to be aware of what’s happening all the time but I keep my distance, because I respect it so much, I’m still trying to understand myself and when I feel ready I know I want to take an active part in it; years ago I decided I wouldn’t let my sexuality define who I am and I know that people fighting for our rights have been responsible for this being possible and I’m so thankful, but I guess the truth was, until a few years ago, I didn’t want to belong to anything, I just wanted to be free. When the night the marriage equality bill passed I decided I wanted to be there to see it, so I stayed up all night waiting for the results in la Plaza del Congresso, happy, knowing that history was about to happen and that many people were closer to equality in the country I decided to call home. That night I discovered that in order to be happily different everybody has to have chances in life.
I think the only thing I would advise my younger self would be to trust more in people, it took me a while to do it and when it happened I started living life at it’s fullest, closer to happiness surrounded by people whom I love and who love me."
*******
"Fear Eats the Soul"
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