"Remembering A Love Song..."

Originally posted: October 15th 2010

This is a very beautiful song and video about "love." And although, it's very "hetero-normative," it speaks to the thoughts and the feeling of same gender loving people too. In fact, in an almost disturbing way, it reveals some of the deep-seated thoughts and anguish that I think "we" often feel as some of us believe "our lives" can't be like this.

I myself have thought that if there were a "real ability" to choose not to be as God has made me, I don't know what I'd do... I look at couples in just the same longing way that Gary Barlow does in this video, I always have. And for a very long time in my life, I prayed that somehow God would make me not "one of the others" so that I too could know what I dreamt it must feel like to be with one's "forever love."

Mistakenly, I concluded from God's silence in the face of those thousands and thousands of prayers that went on for decades of my life that it was in my hands to try to achieve that impossible dream. Like many others before me and since, I married a woman I did not love, a woman my heart could not love. And even as I lied to her, saying I was in love, I knew that God had made my heart for a man like myself. And in that bout of self-delusion I discovered that all I had done was to inflict upon myself a terrible punishment. And it was a punishment that hurt her as well and one that left me cold and empty and alone for many years thereafter.

But it was on this day, exactly four year ago today that I sought my answer from God about the true nature of my heart and about true love and about what life could be for me and the man I had truly fallen in love with.

I prayed upon my knees that day from sunrise to sunset. And as I felt the sun moving from one window to the next as the day passed by, God spoke to my heart quite clearly. I had finally asked of Him the right questions and He answered me and I could hear Him. God revealed that He had made no mistake in me... My heart was exactly as He intended. He shared with me that He had ordained love for all His sons and daughters and He approved of all love including mine. And then finally, He gave me a warning about the fear and evil in the world that tries to destroy love. And He explained to me the dangers of loving a heart that feared, and I understood.

Late that night, I bravely declared my love to the one who had fearfully stolen my heart and my world has never been the same...

"Fear Eats the Soul"

Epilogue: It's been exactly 10 years today since that day that I knelt in prayer to ask my question... Many changes have come into my life. I am married to a man I love in a different way. I am a father again to two lovely children, and I have a generally pleasant tide of life.  But one thing has remained the same through all these days and years... my love for him has endured unchanged and not a single day since that most momentous day in the autumn of 2006 has passed without my remembering him.