"A Little Sane Advice..."

15 Unspoken Rules for Gay Sex

GayGuys.com
Blake Michaels
November 12, 2014

Gay sex ain’t for sissies and as someone who’s had a lot of it, I can tell you that there are plenty of rules to look out for. Anal sex abides by different rules, especially for men. We don’t have another “hole” so we have to depend solely on our tooshies. But don’t worry, once you know these unspoken rules, I’m sure you’ll soon get the hang of it. Now, raise your right hand and vow never to say these unspoken rules out loud, but rather practice them without question. Take a peek at my little secrets:

#1) Whoever is Getting Penetrated Should Set the Pace at the Beginning

This is a given. The man who’s taking it from behind should get the respect he deserves and own the pace at the beginning. All men are different, but whether you’re easily able to slip it in with little pain or not, setting the pace will always be better for you. Once the tempo picks up, it won’t be nearly as traumatic.

#2) You Can’t Slip it in the Backdoor Without Knowing the Situation

Life isn’t like a porn movie. You’re not going to go about your daily routine and suddenly have an urge to be penetrated and find the nearest male to get the job done. The last thing you want to do is slip it in and pray to God he doesn’t get mud on the helmet. Know the situation before you even think about bottoming! Are you clean? When’s the last time you showered or wiped?

#3) Never EVER Apologize Before, During or After Having Sex

There’s just no reason for it, honey. Apologize for being late for work, apologize for missing your friend’s birthday, but never apologize after sex. It basically confirms that it was awful for you; before you know it, he’ll start thinking it was his fault, or worse, assumes you’re insecure and will never try to contact you again. Just don’t do it.

#4) Always Travel With Baby Wipes & Clean Underwear

Baby wipes are the best way to clean yourself in a hurry. It won’t do as good a job as a shower, but at least you can clean off your sweaty day from the crotch area and replace dirty trunks with clean ones to leave your area smelling and tasting fresh. Trust me, if you’re one of those people who think they don’t sweat and hardly bother with putting on deodorant, do us a favor and stop being delusional.

#5) Foreplay Is Non-negotiable

Foreplay is one of the best parts of sex. All penetration does is build friction between your bodies, which is nice, but what foreplay does is build tension – that’s non-negotiable. It’s always best to get warmed up before you do the deed.

#6) Bring Your Own Condom (“BYOC”)

Never assume the person you’re having sex with will supply a condom. It’s always a good idea to come prepared – better to have a condom than to not have lube. Anything can be lube, but nothing can replace a condom. If you’re going to have a one night stand or going out to the club, bring a condom (or two) just in case.

#7) NEVER Lie & Say That You’ve Done Anal When You Haven’t

Nothing is more embarrassing than a man with too much confidence. Most of the time, he’ll become too cocky for his own good. If you tell a man you’ve done anal before and loved it (when you really haven’t), he’s going to treat you as such, i.e. not be as easy on you. That can be a bad thing. Be honest!

#8) Have a Spare… for Everything

If you tend to have guys spend the night at your place a lot, it’s a good idea to have extra things, i.e. spare toothbrush, empty contact lenses case, baby wipes, and clean towels. You don’t need to turn your apartment into a Four Seasons, but it’s a great idea to supply some spares so the experience can go without fail.

#9) Don’t Act Without Knowing it’s Consensual

Just because you’re making out doesn’t mean he’s giving you permission to do everything. Too many people assume that a kiss is the green light to unbutton his pants and start going at it. Trust me, keep each other in the moments together, otherwise it’s just going to be a game of “Guess Who’s Growing Uncomfortable By the Minute.”

#10) If You Think You’re Going to Get Laid, Please Remember to Shower

If you have even the slightest inkling you’re going to get laid in an hour or two, do yourself (and him) a favor by jumping in the shower to hit the major areas – crotch, ass, armpits, upper thighs, and behind/in the ears. The last thing you want him to think is that you didn’t put any effort into making his experience better. That’s just rude.

#11) Don’t Stick it in His Mouth After It’s Been Elsewhere…

Are you effing kidding me? If you have the nerve to stick your penis in his mouth after it’s been inside a rectum, you got another thing coming. If it was wrapped, maybe we can talk, but if you and your man are doing it bareback (after you’ve both been responsibly tested), it’s just flat out rude – most of the time, this happens after a night of drinking.

#12) Know What You Ate That Day

There needs to be sufficient fiber in your diet to make your feces well-formed, which allows a bowel movement to be produced without force or effort. When you force yourself to go Number 2, you’re irritating anal tissues, which adds to discomfort and muscular tension during intercourse. Fruits, veggies, whole grains and unprocessed bran are good sources of fiber – EAT THEM.

#13) The Man Who’s Most “Cool” Tends to Get More Cruisers

We all enjoy a bit of machismo, which is why when we fall into a cruising situation at the grocery store, it tends to be the man who keeps the “cool factor” going. Try not to trip in public, stumble on the staircase, scream with excitement when you see your friend on aisle 4, or jam out a little too much on your iPod when you see a potential cruiser. Best to keep the cool factor going as much as possible.

#14) Third Time Isn’t a Charm When it Hurts Too Much

First time might be understandable, second time could be questionable, but the third time is just flat out unacceptable. If anal is hurting you way too much, it’s best to give up than keep it going. You’ll give him blue balls, but worse, he’ll get frustrated and start blaming you.

#15) Don’t Laugh at His Ugly “Sex Face”

I know it’s hard, but never let him catch on to the fact that he looks like Kujo on crack when he ejaculates. Let it be your little secret.