"A Little Sane Advice..."

The Lies Gay Men Tell Themselves…

Rick Clemons
November 19, 2013


You’re a liar. Don’t say you’re not because you are and you know it.

Now that we’ve got that settled let’s undress the reason I called you a liar. Before we go there, I’m sorry I called you a liar, when I don’t even know you. I can be a chump that way at times. In all honesty though, I give a “dippity-do-da dippity-day” about you, and I want you to quit telling yourself lies.

It’s not your fault, or any gay guys for that matter, that we’ve fallen into this dirty little trap of being frightfully untruthful with ourselves. For years we’ve been told, “You can’t be gay” or “Stop being such a sissy”. With that kind of positive reinforcement, why wouldn’t we lie to ourselves, right? “I’m not gay nor a sissy. I’m not, I’m not, I’m not!” Stripped of any sense of self-worth, you inhale the drug of “lying to protect your ass,” and pretending to be the guy everyone else expects you to be becomes the hallucination of living your life. Problematically speaking though, you’re not living your own life, which sucks. Of course, at some point you did finally “come out” and to began to live your own life…hopefully.

Once beyond the closet doors, many gay guys find it hard to break this pattern of living in the bubbles of others expectations, rather than their own reality. Acceptance, love, brotherhood, and admiration, all leads to bending a little or a lot to be in our gay world. The consequences of not contorting, has the possibility of leaving us alone, friendless, and of course without a man. On another planet within the gay universe reside the guys who don’t want to fit the “typical” gay mold, whatever that means, and they continually struggle to find solace in kindred spirits. So what’s a guy to do? Start telling lies, to themselves and others to either ease the pain, or hide their truth. Either way, it’s a losing proposition, and before you know it, the cries of “Liar, liar, gay guys pants on fire!”

Here’s the five of the most common lies, gay guys tell themselves.

1.  I have to do (FILL IN THE BLANK) then I’ll fit in. Oh good lord! Unless it’s required by law, helping you make a living, putting food on your table, keeping a roof over your head, or ensuring your safe, there’s nothing you HAVE TO DO. It’s a lie that started when you first knew you had to hide your GAYNESS! Be your own man, in your own gay skin, and fit in where you fit in! You might even start a new revolution of “OMG, look he doesn’t give a crap about (BLANK), and he’s gay, and everyone still finds him hot!

2.  Someday I’ll… Honestly speaking, I’m 50 and I’ve passed a lot of “some-days”. Trust me, if at all possible, do what you want to do right now, in the moment. Some-days are for people who are living their whole lives’ to retire. The irony is, by the time they retire, there’s so much crap on their “some-day” list, they’ll die before they can even finish reading the list. Live now, the best way you possibly can without regrets or some days!

3.  I look good in this outfit. Never ask your best friend if you look good in an outfit. More than likely, he’s wearing the same type of outfit and it would be shame to contradict his own look. If the muscle shirt doesn’t accentuate the positive, then trash it! There’s nothing wrong with finding the right age appropriate style for you. In fact here’s a great rating scale, similar to the movie rating scale. G = Good. PG = Pretty good, but try again. R = Ridiculous and run and hide. X = Xtremely hideous honey, time for a make over. No doubt, we all want to look good. Let’s just make sure we look our best and not a mess.

4. I’ll never fit in! Not with that attitude you won’t. This is the “not good enough,” ugly, Diva of the West speaking. She’s pissed cause she didn’t get cast in Wicked, so she’s going to make you carry her self-pity luggage, plus yours, on your shoulders and in your thoughts, each and every day of your life. Of course, you can tell her to take a hike by asking a few simple questions. “Why is it important to fit in?” “How will I feel if I fit in?” “What will change in my life if I fit in?” “Will I still be me by fitting in, or will I lose myself?”

5.  I’m not good at… Holla! I was right there with you until I wasn’t. What changed? For starters, I married a rich sugar daddy… Kidding. What changed is, I quit saying “I’m not good at…” Those words alone are such downers, and who really wants to be a Danny Downer…right? Step two is to decide why you need to be “good at,” whatever it is that’s causing you to be a hard ass on yourself. Once you answer the question of “Why?” honestly, then you’ll know if it’s worth pursuing the “get good enough at” workout. If not, then move on and let it go.

Without a doubt, there’s thousands of lies we gay men tell ourselves (yes that’s really my penis in that picture I just unlocked for you on Grindr). From little white lies, to “Holy Smokes Gay Man,” that’s a big frickin fib, we all do it… create some false truths to get through life in the moment. Once that moment passed, we can’t take it back until we “fess up!” Depending on the situation, our confessional can ugly or be quietly brushed under the carpet of our lives and easily forgiven.

What’s really curious is, what if we didn’t feel any need to lie to ourselves about who we are as gay men? How would our lives be different, richer, and more enjoyable?

With that thought, I’m outa here…and that’s no lie!

####

Rick Clemons is a life changer, motivator, guide, mentor, and inspiring life coach for gay men who are ready to be the man they want to be, not the man they think their supposed to be. He’s on a mission; guiding gay men to find their own voice, love deeply, work passionately, and live powerfully without regrets.

Rick’s a Certified Professional Coach (CPC) who’s been featured on The Ricki Lake Show, Huffington Post, YourTango.com and is a highly sought after radio show guest, blogger, author, and Sex Coach U Faculty Member. He resides in Riverside, California with his partner of 12 years (whoa dude), two teenage daughters (whoa again dude), cats Herman and Lilly (sorry no dogs), and a 200+ bottle wine collection, minus what he drank while writing this article.

********

"Fear Eats the Soul"