"The Truth About Stereotypes..."

The Invisible Life of A Non-Stereotypical Gay Man

David Artavia
April 16, 2014


As a gay guy, stereotypes follow me everywhere I go. I’m not a fan of them nor do I encourage them in my own life, but it never ceases to amaze me how often we’re associated with such ideas even when we clearly don’t match the image. For gay guys who don’t fit the world’s interpretation of a homosexual, life can be a continuing cycle of coming outs.

Not until recently have I begun to hear the uncomfortable questions, “How does your wife feel about it?” or “What does your wife do?” or “I bet you’re a lady-killer, aren’t you?” Each and every time I do it’s a reminder of how I’m perceived. Even if I don’t fit into common misconceptions, in a way it’s made meeting people a bit more awkward. I’m sure there are others who can say the same.

There’s tremendous pressure that comes with assumptions. As soon as we’re assumed to be anything we feel obligated to either keep it that way or prove them wrong somehow. Most gay guys don’t feel the need to proclaim their orientation everywhere they go so it’s easy for us to fall in an awkward dispense of belief to please our bosses, coworkers, neighbors, even high school friends. As someone who’s not the most masculine guy on the planet, I can’t help but wonder if the term “masculine” is losing its importance.

For gay men who have a masculine exterior, the aftermath appears to be a double edged sword. It’s clear that gay culture loves machismo. Not knowing if a man is gay or straight can be a turn on. I know a large majority of gay guys want to be as far away from stereotypes as possible which essentially bleeds into what they view as attractive and not.

In the grand scheme of things it seems like non-stereotypical gay guys are more commercially accepted, but how much of it has to do with them and how much of it has to do with running away from a label?

In my experience, non-stereotypical gay guys are prone to hear more homophobic jokes from straight guys who assume they’re straight, but they also “come out” several times a week to people they hardly know. The routine of being invisible becomes comfortable, eventually turning them into preservation mode. When anyone slips under the radar unseen it creates more anxiety to maintain it, especially when most guys on Grindr consider “straight acting” men the top of the food chain.

Even in the confines of our own communities, stereotypes are constantly being dodged. No one wants to become another “queen” so we try our damn near hardest to be the opposite. We double our workout regiment,  act more tough, get more defensive and  try to become the “man” in every relationship, but in reality what are we trying to prove? Our desire to become invisible has turned into an obsession.

For men in the community who slip by unnoticed, life isn’t always what it seems. Though it might appear like they dodge social backlash or unhealthy assumptions, it’s how they handle their lives that matter above all else. Everyone is attached to some form of label and it’s unfair to assume others are different. They’re not. Every human being in this world is prone to the judgment of others, but first it must start by judging our own behavior.

There’s a fine line between being yourself and being what everyone expects you to be. It’s thinner than most of us realize because everyone has a desire to fit in. As much as we want to be original we also don’t want to create waves. To those who don’t fit into society’s “mold,” it’s easy to feel responsible in proving the stereotype wrong. In the end however, assumptions are never ours to be burden with. They belong to those who carelessly aim to separate themselves from reality.

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"Fear Eats the Soul"