Nick "Living Dead" Delmacy
December 2, 2012
Let’s face it, modern masculine gay men of color have been programmed to think that the only way to meet other Gay men for dating is online on sex hookup sites. There are many masculine men (like the founders of Discreet City) that don’t even visit those sites, so many guys are missing out on quality potential mates.
The number one question Discreet City gets in emails is, “How do I meet other masculine Gay men?” Well here’s your ultimate guide. Discreet City’s Nick Delmacy joins GuyTrap.com founder Stingwood to share the top 12 ways to get those precious 7-digits from the man in your sights…whether you know if he’s Straight or Gay.
Obviously it helps to approach a guy for potential dating if you already know that he’s Gay. And if you’re like me, you prefer to meet a guy at least as masculine as yourself. We get so many emails from young readers asking “How can you tell that a masculine man is Gay?” The easiest answer: Ask Him. I’m serious.
You may not want to be that direct, but there are still many indirect questions that can be inserted into normal conversation that will let you know if a man is Gay/Bisexual. One “straight” friend that I was interested in mistakenly slipped up and said “X-Tube” instead of “YouTube.” Whether he slipped up on purpose to give me a hint or not, it was all I needed to begin putting the moves on him without fear that he was actually heterosexual. Before that moment, we both assumed that the other was straight. Key things to remember though: Don’t bank all of your dating prospects into seemingly heterosexual men and don’t waste a lot of time playing the “is he or isn’t he Gay” guessing games.
When it all comes down to it, you may meet men that you hope are Gay but aren’t. They may convince you that they’re straight or maybe they eventually see your clues and tell you that they’re just not into you (in that way). This is fine, at the end of the day, there’s nothing wrong with having more friends, even sexy straight ones.
Have you ever seen a super-hot guy wander off with someone you wouldn’t give the time of day? That’s because the art of seduction has a lot more to do with social skills than with naked physical attraction. It’s not 30 pounds you need to lose to pick up more men—it’s your inner fears.
NICK D:
The mistake that many of us make is prejudging potential objects of affection on what we THINK they’re attracted to before we’ve even said one word to them. You see a muscular guy and just assume that he ONLY likes other muscular men. This could be far from the case; you could be the just type he’s looking for. Also, remember this: No matter how fine a guy is, he’s still got some insecurity of his own. Sexy men can be shy too.
Confidence goes a long way. I’ve even been a victim of it in the past to guys I wasn’t superficially attracted to but had the courage to approach. Dope personality, style, swag, demeanor, intellect, etc can get me to give up the digits just as fast a sexy body or a cute face. Careful not to become TOO confident, though. No matter how attractive or unattractive a guy is, being the “groper” in a party/club just comes of sleazy.
I’ve mentioned this before but it’s worth repeating: Let go of the antiquated Gender Roles! If you’re a Bottom that doesn’t want to be considered a woman, then stop wanting to be treated like one from an old 1950’s movie. I get it, you’re submissive…but that doesn’t mean you can’t at least make the initial contact to get the ball rolling.
Tops, just like many heterosexual men, can be shy and/or wallflowers as well. Sometimes they need help breaking the ice. My grandmother always used to say: A closed mouth doesn’t get fed. If you don’t even try to go after what you want, you can’t complain when it doesn’t come to you.
It’s a Numbers Game. Think of rejection as a good thing. Its practice for the next man you talk to at the party. Approaching only one guy at a party or club is pretty much a wasted evening if your goal is to meet men…especially if he rejects you. And yes, you must get out of the house and go to a party or club where there is a likely chance gay men will be. You can’t be a hermit locked away in your house and complain about how hard it is to meet men.
One thing that helped me in the early days was saying this to myself, “I’m not leaving here until I get at least 3-5 phone numbers.” That didn’t necessarily mean that I was looking for sex with all of them, it was just simple conversation that eventually led to me asking for their phone number.
STINGWOOD:
To get started in the pick-up game, you need to go where gay men are and learn to approach them. And not just one or two guys, but many guys. If you can’t strike up a conversation, you don’t have a chance to pick-up and eventually seduce someone you’re attracted to.
NICK D:
Right and one last thing, don’t worry about guys you’ve already talked to seeing you. If they’re adults, they know what the deal is…If anything it can make you look more popular, attractive and desirable.
Nothing conveys indecision and nervousness like hesitation. Indecision and nervousness are not attractive traits. So practice the three-second rule: train yourself to approach your target within three seconds of seeing him.
NICK D:
The three-second rule is so essential. How many times have you seen someone you found attractive at a party but internally talked yourself out of approaching him. Or worse, you just keep glancing at him the whole evening, trying to build up the confidence to approach not knowing that he’s already noticed you looking and now you’re just coming off as a creepy stalker. Whenever you move around the party to a place he’s standing it looks like you’re following him. CREEPY!
So in the future, if three seconds go by before you make an attempt to approach him, let him go…move on to the next. Also, don’t get caught up on him being the best looking guy at the party thus being the only one worth approaching. In the chance that he rejects you, it’ll ruin the rest of your night. No man is THAT good looking. Whenever you think you’ve seen the best looking man in the world, hop onto a male admiration Tumblr blog…You’ll see that there are PLENTY more sexy men out there of all ages, shapes and sizes.
An approach is an excuse – any excuse – to start a conversation with someone: “How do I get to Hyatt Hotel?” “There’s some lint on your collar.” “I noticed something about you…” The easiest of all approaches is simply to smile and say “hi.” Forget pick up lines like “I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.”— they’re phony, convey too much sexual interest, and leave you no place to take the conversation.
NICK D:
If you’re unsure what to say to begin a conversation, just remember this: saying ANYTHING is better than saying NOTHING. I’ve met masculine men in many places by just striking up random conversations. I’ve met Masculine Gay guys in the gym just by just asking what goal were they working on, gaining muscle or losing weight. I even met a guy at a gas station by just saying the four magic words, “Yo…You look familiar.” If you’re at a bar/club, my go-to approach is to ask say, “Yo, what kind of drink is that, it looks good…” If I’m he’s receptive by giving me his number (and I’m feeling generous), I might throw a bonus in and buy him a new drink at the end of our conversation.
But if you go generic and use any of the above statements, try to still be interesting. If he has tons of tattoos, don’t just say, “I like your tattoos” and leave it at that. Plus I’m sure he’s heard that MANY times before. Get him involved by asking him what tattoo would look good on you. That way it becomes a conversation instead of an obvious attempt to hit on him.
STINGWOOD:
Once you’ve exchanged a few words develop openers or standard conversational ploys that will attract your target. Try something startling: “That wasn’t your car on fire in the parking lot, was it?” “Did you see those two guys fighting outside?” Or get an opinion: “Hey, can I ask you a question? What’s the best way to get revenge on an ex? This guy I know…” Develop your opener into a little routine by adding vivid details. Get your target involved and keep him engaged until he gives signs of starting to relax. Sometimes it helps to give the opener a time constraint so that he thinks you’ll shortly be on your way (“I’ve got to go find my friend, but…).
NICK D:
Yeah, it’s all about conversation skills. It’s like a good job interview…showing up is just half the battle. Admittedly it helps if it’s a place where you’ll see the guy again, that way you can plant what I call “Conversation Seeds.” These are short nuggets of dialogue that gets the guy comfortable with over time (days/weeks) so that it won’t be awkward when you ask for his number.
For God’s sake, whatever you do, DON’T ask for his Facebook, Twitter or Instagram handle. Especially at the end of the first conversation. No matter how much you want to keep in contact with him, this comes off as “stalkerish.” Do like most people and get as much information as possible so that you can Google Search him when you get home. Stalk in Private (just kidding, just kidding).
Keep him off balance when he suspects you’re trying to pick him up. This allows time for his attraction to develop. Keep talking in a friendly way while pretending you’re not really that interested sexually.
NICK D:
Keep it casual and don’t come off desperate or “thirsty.” Ultimately you want him to think, “This is a guy that I want to get to know more of…”
However also remember that every connection doesn’t have to be a “Love Connection.” If you have a good conversation yet no contact information is exchanged, chalk it up to experience/practice and move on to the next guy. Meeting guys that you don’t click with can still help you in the long run. They may play matchmaker in the future and introduce you to one of their friends that’s perfect for you.
The lower your expectations, then the lower your disappointment will be. If you have that attitude, it usually has the opposite effect when meeting men. They become more interested in you, the less you seem interested in them. This can backfire if you seem too disinterested though. Checking text messages or glancing around the room for your next target DURING your conversation with him is body language that says you’re bored.
When you meet a guy, don’t stop talking- just stop talking aimlessly. Learn to be funny and entertaining and cast yourself in a positive light in the stories you tell. Tell him how great your new gym routine is making you feel.
Talk about ex-boyfriends or hang a “friend” around your shoulder to demonstrate that others think you’re attractive. In other words, give him enough ammunition to justify an attraction towards you. Once an attraction develops, you’ll see the signals in his eyes and body language.
NICK D:
Again, meeting a guy is like that first Job Interview. The best interviews I’ve ever been on were conversational and free flowing. I also sold myself very well and was sure to compliment the person/company I was being interviewed by. The same applies to this first conversation. Just relax, be yourself and keep your expectations in check.
Without touching there is no sex. To get the ball rolling, touch early and often. Make sure your touches are sensual and motivating, not crude sexual pawing. Examine his cool wristwatch. Flatten his mussed-up collar. Slap away his too-familiar fingers. Read his palm. Test his kiss-ability quotient. Your fleeting touches will leave him begging for more.
NICK D:
Touching is okay as long as you do it with a purpose. Groping is not what we’re talking about. Copping cheap feels is not a good idea (unless you know that he’s down for it). Something as simple as holding his hand a little longer than normal on that first and last handshake/dap can be enough to tell him that you’re interested. A gentle hand on his shoulder or back while leaning in to his ear can often give off the non-verbal communication needed to get the digits.
It amazes me how many guys go to Gay parties and clubs hoping to meet guys but they STAY attached to their friends at the hip ALL NIGHT LONG! For starters, staying THAT close to their “best friend” makes it look like they actually came with their boyfriend. So they scare off potential mates. Secondly, most guys don’t like to pick up men if they’re surrounded by their friends. Even straight men generally don’t like to do this. Remember, the goal is to get him to focus on YOU.
STINGWOOD:
You can accelerate this process by leading him to a neutral location away from his friends. Continue developing rapport and sexual interest. Invite him to a quiet corner of the bar, outside for a breath of air or to a nearby pizza place.
Some men, especially attractive masculine men, feel odd when they’re in the middle of a club/party/event and after you talk you pull out your cell phone to get his number. Not only is this somewhat emasculating, it also advertises to all those around that you got the digits. This may be off-putting and make him hesitant to share contact information, especially if he has a lot of admirers. He may want to keep up the appearance that he NEVER gives up the number to ANYONE.
What’s worked for me in the past is to lean in and ask the man to tell the numbers to me in my ear. Once we separate and I’m alone, I pull out my cell phone and punch in his number. Most times, I’ll immediately send a text reminding him of my name and a descriptive trait so he’ll know who I am when he sees the message.
With some men, all this won’t be necessary. They’ll just grab your cell phone, punch in their number and call it so that their phone rings, giving them your number too. These are the guys that REALLY like you. They want to make sure that they get your number and let everyone else in the party know as well. This can ultimately prove to be both a gift and a curse (see my later post about obsessive dudes). I prefer not to use this method because in the past I’ve been handed password locked or hard-to-figure-out smartphones that just create awkward moments of fumbling around.
If he’s texting or calling you even before you leave the party, it means he wants’ to have sex that night. Seriously. I’ve seen it time after time. The only alternative is that they’re lonely and can’t wait to have real human interaction. But typically when they’re that thirsty, they just want sex. Its up to you if that’s also what you want. Tons of essays could be written on whether sex on the first night of meeting each other can still lead to relationships. If sex was your goal in the first place, then you’re good to go.
STINGWOOD:
It takes two to tango. Back at your pad, ask him to pick out some soft music, or turn down the lights, or massage your back. Let him be your partner in setting up the sex scene. You might both be surprised by what develops naturally. Make him feel at ease and develop things naturally.
Co-Author Stingwood is the founder of the now defunct GuyTrap.com, a Gay discussion website where men traded hints and tips on attraction, love and sex topics.
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* The title of this article was modified from the original text of "Art of Seduction: The Top 12 Ways To Pick Up Gay/Bisexual Men of Color" to reflect that I think the advice given here is clearly applicable to how to "meet" men and not neccessarily just for the intentions of sex which the original title misleadingly implies.
"Fear Eats the Soul"
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