"A Thought To Ponder..."

I had the occassion today of re-reading a love letter I once wrote to someone I was very deeply and quite completely in love with... It brought a strange pause to my heart to realize that I would and could thereafter love someone else even more than this... so much so that words, mere words became poor descriptors of the emotions and the connection, however one-sided, that would eventually come to dominate my life from then on. How strange is this thing we call "Love"

Sometime in the not too distant past

"Dearest To My Heart,"

I just sent you my goodnight wishes in a text msg... reading your email and then hearing about your "Omen of Love" in your evening sky made me so happy... In these moments I can hardly believe how I've been blessed with a love like you... Yes, prayers were answered, and doors were opened, and Love's dream will be our real world.

I enjoyed reading your texts this morning, I couldn't read them right away as I was serving a client... but hearing the phone alert me, knowing it would be from you made my heart leap... I felt so wonderful... When I glanced at myself in the mirror, I was awash in the color of love... When I finally was able to read what you'd sent to me, I closed my eyes and I was there at the window with you, standing close behind you, holding you, kissing you softly, whispering my loving thoughts into your ear. It was a wonderful dream that will become real for us...

I'm glad you know how much I love you... I know that you love me deeply too... I feel your love all the time... it sustains me and makes me whole and able to carry on... Yes, I was very happy today... because I was dreaming of you...

I was happy that you understood when I closed my text to you with C.F.F. I want to take your name as a testament of our love and wear your ring as a symbol of our commitment and union... My niece was talking to me today... and I asked her right out of the blue, if she wanted to come to my wedding... She looked surprised and then said sure as long as "she" was nice. She then said she didn't believe I was getting married as I'm not seeing anyone. I replied "You'd be surprised... everyone will be." Then very surprisingly, she mentioned that she'd seen "Charles Pugh" yesterday. He's the openly gay news anchor I told you about last Sunday. She said "he's going to marry a man..." and I asked her, "How do you feel about that?" I was so happy to hear her say "I think it's okay, he's nice..."

Then as quickly as I was encouraged, she expressed some disdain for the reality of "our" physical relationships and then told me of how her brother had made so many disparaging remarks about Charles Pugh and gay men in general and how even my sister, their mother had joined in a bit... So now some doubt has creeped in, I might be wrong about my sister's reaction to us, but I don't think so. She and I are quite close... we are probably the closest of all our siblings. Probably because we're only a little more than a year apart in age... We've worked together in the business now and in the past... and then caring for our mother, brought us much closer in the last few years too. We'll just have to wait and see... but my spirits are not dampened in the least... I have a great deal of faith in the power of love. I think my nephew is just saying what he thinks he's supposed to... I think he will still love and respect me as his uncle. (He'd better, I changed too many dirty diapers for him not too :-)

Yes, I'm longing for moments of everyday life to be made special with you at my side. So long I've waited for you... So deeply I've longed for a soul mate, a lover, a friend like no other... Now having found you, I see all my dreams coming true... I often dream of the joy of having a second dish to wash... two sides of the bed to make up... someone to stroke my fevered brow and ask me "how was your day?" All the things that I see so many take for granted, these will be precious and dear to me... Not because of what they are, but because of you... for I've waited a lifetime for you to come to me. I'll live to see the love in your eyes... to feel your gentle touch... to hear you whisper softly in my ear... these will be a glimpse of Heaven to me and the memories that will give me joy for all eternity.

Your gifts tonight, were more precious to me than all the riches of this world... You sent me flowers... you sent me your sweetest thoughts.... you sent me your love, the greatest gift of all. Your lyrical lines and sweet declarations of love for me took me to the highest mountain top where I could just see over into Heaven... It was as if I was lifted by angels flitting unseen about me... I could smell the roses... I could see your loving eyes... I could feel your heart beating next to mine... I could feel your caress and hear your voice saying... "So deep in love am I"

I'll always be yours, now and forever and for all eternity. So deep in love am I...

I love you... feel me next to you tonight, for I am there... loving you... always loving you.

Your Christopher

Thus was the letter I'd sent in reply to a poem my love had sent to me that day... Though he was across an ocean many thousands of miles away... And though we'd never seen each other except in the photographs we shared, my love for him was real.

What a strange thing the human heart and soul is. This is what is occupying my mind today... Love.

"Fear Eats the Soul"